Chapter 8 -I'm Confessin' that I Love You

Once again Hawkeye left casually without saying a word. Margaret kept
sending him mixed signals. One minute she would be laying in his arms on
the sofa the next she would be saying things like 'you're my best friend'
or 'I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you'. That damn word
friend! Karen had used the same excuse to get out of dating him! What
Carla said really stuck in his mind, she was absolutely right! What was
he doing dragging himself up there week after week if he was never going
to tell her?

"Boy, you look depressed!" came Nina's voice knocking him back into
reality. Hawkeye only barely managed a smile up at her. He said nothing,
only stared into his coffee cup. Nina sat down opposite him.

"I take it there's still no action on the love front then!" she said
leaning her head in over the table.

"Zilch!" he replied with a sigh.

"You know when I told you to take your time, thread softly, let the girl
know you care for her?"

"Yeah?" he said without lifting his head.

"Well boy if that girl doesn't know how much you care for her by now, she
needs a clubbing over the head. And I might just do that!" Nina said with
conviction.

"You think I should tell her?"

"Hell yeah! I mean look at you! You're absolutely miserable! If that
ain't love then what is?"

Hawkeye looked at her in bemused confusion.

"I mean it! You have got to bite the bullet and tell her! You keep going
the way you are and it is going to tare you apart! And besides lookin' at
you moping around the place all week is beginning to depress me too!"

"Trouble is Nina, I think I've drifted from being a potential lover, into
the best-friend category in her eyes!"

"Well there is only one way to find out!" she stated, punching the table
lightly with her clenched fist.

Hawkeye straightened his back, he looked at Nina with a new conviction in
his eyes.

"You know what? You are absolutely right!"

"I'm always right!"

"I have to tell her!"

"Right!"

"I have to tell her right now!" he said getting up off the chair.

"What?" Nina shouted in shock as she watched him throw off his white coat
and pick up his car keys.

"I'm going to Boston!"

"What about your patients?" she yelled.

"Drag my dad away from his fishing, he never catches anything anyway!"

"Hey wait one minute buster..."

He was gone.

"I hope she's worth it!" Nina said under her breath.

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Hawkeye drove like a man possessed, so possessed he'd forgotten to check
if he had enough gas in the car.

"Damn it!" he shouted on a deserted highway about ten miles from the
Massachusetts border.

"Crap, crap, crappity crap!" he screamed as he stomped up and down on the
road and finished things off by kicking the back wheel of the car.

"Ok, I can walk on, or I can walk back" he thought trying to recollect
when he last passed a gas station. "Back would mean about four miles, on
could mean any number of miles! Back we go!" he decided walking away from
the car with his jerrycan.

In all it took him nearly two hours to get back to the car. He had
eventually managed to hitch a ride both ways and was now back on the road
and approaching the outskirts of Boston.

What am I going to say? She's going to think I'm nuts! he thought as he
pulled up outside her building. For a while he just sat there in the car
staring into space. He was beginning to lose his nerve, he knew as soon
as he saw her, his emotions would take over and he would lose all sense
of logic. I have to do this, come on Casanova! Whatever happened to that
smooth talking charmer renowned around the 4077th?

He finally picked up the courage to get out of his car and walk across
the road into her building.

I have to see her right now, this calls for the elevator! he thought
pressing the call button for the elevator. Once the doors opened he took
a deep breath and stepped inside.

He immediately jumped back out of it.

"Have I completely lost my mind?" he said as he walked towards the
stairs. This girl sure had a strange effect on him.

"Margaret?" he called from outside the door as he was banging. There was
no answer. Hawkeye laughed to himself, she wasn't there. "Oh this is
going better than I imagined!" he said sarcastically. Never mind, it gave
him a chance to regain control of his senses, and his mind! He sat on the
floor outside her door and waited, and waited. He didn't know what else
to do.

An hour and a half passed and there was no sign of her. Maybe she got
called into work! In which case she could be there all night! He knew she
was supposed to have the day off but in that line of work extra staff was
always in need and you never knew when you could be called in. He got to
his feet, the muscles had all tightened up.

"Maybe I should check at the hospital" he decided as he began to walk
away.

"Hawkeye?" came a voice from behind him, "Is that you?"

Hawkeye turned to see the confused face of Margaret looking back at him.
She had obviously just gotten off the elevator. "Hi" he smiled.

"What are you doing here? Did you forget something?" she said struggling
to open the door.

"Ah yeah, something like that!"

"Well come in, have you been waiting long?"

"No, I just got here!" he lied.

Margaret walked over to the kitchen counter to drop the bag of groceries
she was carrying. Hawkeye closed the door behind him and slowly made his
way deeper into the apartment.

"So what is it?" she asked.

"Am, well, ugh!" he stuttered, "I wanted to talk to you, about
something!"

"What's the matter, is there something wrong?" she said with concern in
her voice. She knew something must be really troubling him to bring him
all the way here.

"No, no. Well actually, yeah there is! Come here, sit down!" he said
motioning towards the nearest chair. He felt he was ready, it was now or
never.

"Ok" Margaret said sitting in the armchair by the window. "What is it?"

Hawkeye sat on the sofa and took a deep breath before he began.

"What are we doing? You and me! Why do we keep doing this week after
week?"

"I don't understand, I though you liked coming here?"

"I do, I do. But have you ever asked yourself why?"

"Because we enjoy each others company? Because we have fun together.
Because we're friends!"

"Yes, yes we are. I mean we get on great together don't we?"

"Where is this going Hawkeye?" Margaret could feel her stomach
tightening. He was in a very strange mood and it made her nervous.

"Well it's like this. I keep coming back here week after week for one
simple reason, it's because, because I'm in love with you Margaret!"
There he'd said it. "I have been for a long time, even while we were in
Korea and I was going to tell you but then I went crazy and... aren't you
going to say anything?"

Margaret had stayed silent once he uttered those three tiny yet highly
significant words. She had waited so long to hear them from him but now
that she had she didn't know what to say. The silence began to worry
Hawkeye. Finally she spoke.

"You really love me?"

"With all my heart! Look I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but
that's behind us now right?"

She nodded.

"And I know I don't have twenty percent of your father in me, I don't
have ten percent of Scully, and thankfully I don't have any Frank Burns
or Donald Jerk in me! I'm just one hundred percent me Margaret! But I
promise to love you one hundred percent, one hundred percent of the time!
I just know I couldn't go on any longer with the way things were it was
killing me. I had to tell you. So what do you say? Will you be my girl?"

Margaret stared out the window, anywhere would do as long as it wasn't
his eyes. "I don't know what to say, this is all so sudden!"

"You need time of course, I'll go and you think about it." He was
somewhat deflated by her response.

"Oh Hawkeye, you know I care for you so much and I think I love you to
but..."

"But what?"

"How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you're not going to hurt me
too?"

"If you have to ask yourself that Margaret, then maybe I have made a
mistake. I would have thought that by now you would know that you can
trust me! I'm nothing like those other guys, you know that! I would never
hurt you!" Hawkeye had been hurt by the accusation.

"But how do you know that for sure? How do you know that one year from
now you'll still feel the same?"

"Because I've felt this way for over three years now, and instead of
fading these feelings I have for you just grow stronger! Margaret why are
you so afraid to trust me?" He was now kneeling in front of her, holding
her hands in his.

Margaret stayed silent. Hawkeye was crushed, she obviously didn't feel as
strongly for him.

He gently let go of her hands. "I should go!" he said as he stood up, the
pain telling in his voice.

"Will I see you next weekend?" she asked.

"No, no I don't think I'm going to be coming here anymore!"

"But why, we can't throw away everything we have!"

"Oh what do we have Margaret? What am I to you?" He was angry now. "What
am I some kinda lackey? I go to your functions and your friends' dinner
parties or whatever. You just whistle and I come running well I can't do
that anymore! I won't let myself be used. What happens when some guy you
like comes along? Will it be so long Hawkeye, thanks for the memories? Do
you think I feel at all? Do you not think that right now I'm falling to
pieces here?"

"No, it's not like that!" she cried.

"Well whatever it is, it's over! No more, I can't do it! I can't play
these games it hurts too much!"

Hawkeye picked up his coat and headed for the door.

"Hawkeye wait!" Margaret cried.

He turned to look at her, a calmness had come him.

"Listen Margaret, I want you to know that if you ever get over this fear
you have, if you ever feel it would be worth giving me a shot, then I'll
be waiting for you! No matter how long, if it's a year or twenty years or
forty! Whatever, I'll be there. Just look for me in Crabapple Cove, I
have no where else to go. Because you're it for me! Any other woman would
be second best and I won't accept that. My love for you is real. I want
you to know that."

He moved away from her and had his hand on the door when he paused once
more.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you I never meant for that! The ball is now in your
court Margaret, I won't bother you anymore. And if you never come looking
for me so be it! I'll die a victim of unrequited love."

With that he walked away, gently closing the door behind him.

"Hawkeye!" He heard coming from the other side but he kept walking.

"I love you!" Margaret whispered as she collapsed against the door and
sat on the floor, tears streaming from both eyes.

Hawkeye began to wipe away the tears that now fell from his eyes as he
made his way back to the car. He was so sure she felt the same, they had
been getting on so well together. It didn't seem fair, why did all the
women in his life insist on leaving him in the end. He would never love
anyone else, of that he was sure. "She was it!" he sighed as he sat in
the car. "What do I do now?"