Title: Wolfram & Hart Phone Directory Service.

Author: Lawrence Payne

Timeline: Angel any season except 5

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own nothing. A whole slew of other people own these characters and concepts.

Comments: Constructive feedback is always appreciated. :)

Archiving: If you want to, sure. Feel free. Just tell me if you do.

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"Welcome to the Wolfram & Hart automated phone directory service."

"For instructions in English. Press 1."

"Para instrccion en Espanol. Te Uso 2."

"Graaasss Phaass Teellosssss. Daass Coosss 3."

BEEP

"You selected English."

"This call is being monitored. If you leave the phone or hang up before your business is completed, your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."

"Main Menu."

"If you know your parties extension. Enter it at any time."

"For directory assistance. Press 1."

"For a list of available services. Press 2"

"For evil deeds done at competitive rates. Press 3."

BEEP

"You selected Evil Deeds."

"To have a business associate and/or random persons brutally beaten. Press 1."

"To have a business associate and/or random persons killed. Press 2."

"To have a business competitors family member kidnapped. Press 3."

"To sell your soul to Wolfram & Hart, Satan, or another third party dealer. Press 4."

"To make a payment in kittens. Press 5."

"For information on our demon and vampire rental program. Press 6."

"To inquiry about our immortality and personal resurrection programs. Press 7."

"To sacrifice a loved one or a pet as part of an account payment. Press 8."

"To sacrifice a loved one or a pet for pleasure. Press 9."

"To talk to an operator. Press 0."

"To hear these options again. Press #."

"To return to the previous menu. Press "

BEEP

"You pressed 8, sacrificing a loved one or a pet for payment."

"If you are sacrificing a family member. Press 1."

"If you are sacrificing a puppy. Press 2."

"If you are sacrificing a kitten. Press 3."

"To hear these options again. Press #."

"To return to the previous menu. Press "

BEEP

"You pressed 1, sacrificing a family member."

"Before we begin, insure that the family member you are sacrificing is properly immobilized and conscious, and that your Wurladian Urn and special sacrificial knife are available."

"Hold the knife by the handle with both hands over the sacrifice."

"Repeat these words: Bas Suuu Baa Daa Noccchia Leick, On Na Ma Ha, Satanna. Then state your full name as it appears on your account statement and your account number."

"Remove the heart of the sacrifice and place it in the urn."

"Ship the urn UPS Next Day Delivery or use one of our convenient organ drop boxes."

"Your account will be updated in three to five business days."

"Thank you for using the Wolfram & Hart automated phone directory service and have a nice day."

Dial tone.

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