Okay, here's the next chapter!! I'm so happy people like this... hehe, I'd forgotten that in the books, Artemis beating chess champions I mean. My older brother is famous for never wearing a white shirt, or a tie... They got him into a white shirt, but he blew his nose on the tie. So I now have a looney tunes tie all for myself, whenever we wash it anyway!! ^____^
Artemis Fowl: Crusade of the Penguins and Major Glory's Revenge
by psychotic cat catalyst
(mental error 404 - brain not found)
If life gives you lemons, throw them at people!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Butler sat in his favorite car, a cherry red bug. He listened to the situation over headphones... well, in between watching Barney and the Teletubies face off in a wrestling match.
"Okay, what'd I miss!?!?!" Juliet asked quickly, getting into the car and staring into the small television. They had been doing sweeps of the area outside Master's mansion in Beverly Hills.
"Barney lost, but he's challenged Tinkle Winkle to a rematch. Tinkle's given him the chair. They had to stop twice because two of the others, who were drunk and smoking, joined in the fight and began to strangle Barney. Oh, and the HamHams have been squashed."
(For those who don't know: HamHams are from the kiddie anime show Hamtaro. No offense meant to any of the fans of Hamtaro - and while I love hate mail, I'm not in the mood to be cussed out just because I killed a bunch of stupid little hamsters who are just cartoons characters, so chill)
And so, there sat Juliet and Butler watching Barney get the crap kicked out of him by the teletubies, eating popcorn, and occasionally listening to Artemis's attempts to get inside the Master's totally *kawaii mansion. That is, until something very suddenly made itself present to the adreneline driven siblings.
THUNK!!! THUNK!!! THUNK!!!
Juliet looked over at the source of sound. She looked at the back window to see the most grotesque and disgusting thing she'd seen in her entire life - and she'd spent three years in U.S. studying politics! When she looked back, she saw an adorable little puppy. Of course, that's not what scared her. What scared her was the skeleton the puppy was running away from. Skeletons had surrounded the car, and were now pushing it back and forth and pounding the windows, hoping to break in. Unfortunately for the skeletons, they kept losing fingers and random bones inside the car.
Juliet screamed as one of the hands that had fallen off one of the skeletons crawled it's way up her leg. Apparently, losing hands and such wasn't a total loss for the skeletons, the bones could still move.
"THAT'S IT!!!" Juliet screeched. Butler could literally hear a snapping sound coming from his sister. Of course, that could always have been the head she just ripped off one of the skeletons. Speaking of heads, it was now trying to bite Butler. Butler caught it and pulled it away with his right shoe in it's mouth. Apparently the skeleton had a foot fettish.
Juliet disappeared into the back seat for a moment before returning with a gun - a top-of-the-line uzi painted pink... with flowers, skulls, and cross-bones. She quickly loaded it, and then she pulled the trigger. While the ammo didn't kill the evil undead monsters, Master's bloody creation being used to take over the world, it delayed them. They stumbled backwards on top of each other. Butler started the car. The siblings then began a long, EXTREMELY fun, and incredibly cool version of demolition derby. Until they got bored and decided to go into Master's mansion for a highly caffinated beverage. They walked up the steps and in through the front door.
*********
Artemis looked at his favorite toy in the whole world - his faithul action-packed action figure of the all time favorite hero (DA-DA-DA-DA!!!) MAAAAAAJOR GLORY!!!
"Practice good hygene. You have good taste. Look at my muscles."
Your *cough*favorite*cough* authoress, still being held hostage, sat filing her nails. She then took out her favorite nail polish - metallic purple with little pink sparkles! Slowly, she began to apply the nail polish and Artemis grew dizzy from the stench. That's when Major Glory decided to make his move.
POW!! THUNK!! SMASH!!
Artemis was thrown across the room like a ragdoll.
"WOULD YOU... AHHH!!! PUT.. OH #$%^$#!!! THAT STUFF AWAY!!!" Artemis yelled as he tried to dodge his action figures kicks and punches.
"What?" she asked, looking up. "Oh, sorry!" she replied. Always to happy to help!!! (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
Artemis began to fight back. He punched, he dodged left, he kicked! OH MY GOSH!!! MAJOR GLORY CRUMBLES AT HIS FEET!!! ARTEMIS FOWL HAS WON THE MATCH!!! YES!!! YAHOO!!! Ahem... sorry about that...
"I'm sorry, but I did what a must."
(Artemis: O.O'' "Did I have to say that?")
Master, seeing his plan failing, began to run away.
**********
...waddle waddle waddle.... waddle waddle waddle... waddle waddle waddle...
An army of undead penguins waddled along the road, demolishing everything in their path. They stopped momentarily. Turning to each other, they began to discuss their next course of action.
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This will be our kingdom.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This will be our earth.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will destroy the terran infestation.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will take back what is rightfully ours.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will begin with all the major cities.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "Hold on, I have a bird caught in my rib cage.")
(Authoress: O.O "AWWW!! THEY'RE SO CUTE!! I WANT ONE!!")
********
Artemis walked over to the authoress to see if she was okay.
"MY HERO!!!!" authoress said happily. She was just about to glomp him when suddenly.... THUNK!!! a house fell on her. Artemis reached down and pulled off the ruby red sparkling slippers. As he pulled them off, the house, including the authoress, disappeared in a puff of smoke and a very loud POP!
Shrugging it off, Artemis walked through the door that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He soon found himself walking down a yellow brick road.
*******
...waddle waddle waddle.... POUND! THUNK!! SMASH!!! waddle waddle waddle.... CRASH! SMASH!! THUNK!!! waddle waddle waddle...
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This is the truth of our power.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will turn the earth into a frozen wonderland.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "Undead penguins every where will be able to roam freely."
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We represent the lollipop guild.")
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"
(Translator: "Now, let's go kill these $%^^%#%^&^!!!!")
*******
"What are you doing?" Butler asked his baby sister, the lovely Juliet.
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet answered in monotone.
"But we have to rescue Artemis." Butler pleaded.
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet said in monotone again. She looked at Butler.
"I know how much you miss Kylala. I know the two of you were betrothed. Marry her brother. Marry her before it's too late."
"Uh, Juliet... Kylala, my favorite little kitten of fluffy goodness, is dead. She's very fluffy and cute, but she VERY dead."
"Marry her Butler. You MUST marry her. The future of the world depends on it."
"What?"
Juliet opened a book and began to read.
"And behold, the world will be in darkness. Armies of the undead will roam the terran lands. This will be the end of the world. Until one rises. He will be a genuis, and will have one with him who knows the meaning of life, and one who is married to the dead cat.... So it is said, so must it be.... in accordance with prophesy." Juliet read in monotone.
"So you see, you're in love with the dead cat, you have to marry her. Artemis is the genuis. And I, I am the one who must know the meaning of life to stop the endless cycle of terror being brought on the world by the undead armies. My quest will not be easy, for I will constantly be hunted by undead penguin armies who will seek to destroy me. But I cannot let them."
Butler stared at his younger sister. Slowly, he picked up the phone and began to dial the number for the doctor. It appeared that Juliet seemed to have forgotten her medication.
***********
Kylala jumped from her grave. Yes, her body had been melted, but it came together all at once... and because of the power of the script. Kylala, you can thank me later... People are gonna think I'm crazy... I tell you, this cat popped out of nowhere and threatened to scratch me to death if she and Butler didn't end up together.... I don't get paid enough for this.
*********
"Waddle waddle waddle."
Artemis stared in wonder. Thousands of undead penguins had suddenly begun waddling at him when he reached the end of the yellow brick road. Oh wait, I forgot to turn the translator on... Say that again Mr. Leader of the Penguins!
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We welcome you to Penguin land. We come in peace. Do not fear, we are your friends.")
"Waddle waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will now keep you as the only remianing terran because you are the most intellegent, and we will destroy the earth.")
(Artemis: o.O)
**************
Juliet walked through the dying lands of Oz. The teal sky thundered and groaned. Rain slowly began to fall. Juliet began to sing a song of old:
"DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM LOSE IT'S FLAVOR ON THE BEST POST AT NIGHT?
WHEN YOUR MOM TELLS YOU TO SPIT IT OUT DO YOU SWALLOW IT IN SPITE?"
....okay, maybe not so old.... But the Irish Rovers were one of Juliet's favorite bands.... (They make some of the best music on the planet by the way)
She sat on the grass, taking a break from walking. She didn't know how she was going to find this meaning of life. She only knew that the world's fate depended on her finding this 'meaning of life'.
*********
"I do."
"Kylala, do you take this human to be your husband???"
(Priest: O.O the bride is a cat... a... cat...)
"I do..."
"Then I now pronounce you, husband and.... cat...."
******************************************
Look out for the next chapter of Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and Holly Short -
Holly Short finally makes her appearance. Of course, she would've liked to do it when the Lower Elements weren't in total chaos. As the time shortens, Juliet struggles to understand the teachings of Great Teacher Largo and his ultimate L337N355... Meanwhile, Butler and Kylala share a joy filled honeymoon in the underworld. Why is Holly a princess in this new land of oz? And why are she and Artemis betrothed? AND WHO TOOK MY OTHER SHOE!!!
Artemis Fowl: Crusade of the Penguins and Major Glory's Revenge
by psychotic cat catalyst
(mental error 404 - brain not found)
If life gives you lemons, throw them at people!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Butler sat in his favorite car, a cherry red bug. He listened to the situation over headphones... well, in between watching Barney and the Teletubies face off in a wrestling match.
"Okay, what'd I miss!?!?!" Juliet asked quickly, getting into the car and staring into the small television. They had been doing sweeps of the area outside Master's mansion in Beverly Hills.
"Barney lost, but he's challenged Tinkle Winkle to a rematch. Tinkle's given him the chair. They had to stop twice because two of the others, who were drunk and smoking, joined in the fight and began to strangle Barney. Oh, and the HamHams have been squashed."
(For those who don't know: HamHams are from the kiddie anime show Hamtaro. No offense meant to any of the fans of Hamtaro - and while I love hate mail, I'm not in the mood to be cussed out just because I killed a bunch of stupid little hamsters who are just cartoons characters, so chill)
And so, there sat Juliet and Butler watching Barney get the crap kicked out of him by the teletubies, eating popcorn, and occasionally listening to Artemis's attempts to get inside the Master's totally *kawaii mansion. That is, until something very suddenly made itself present to the adreneline driven siblings.
THUNK!!! THUNK!!! THUNK!!!
Juliet looked over at the source of sound. She looked at the back window to see the most grotesque and disgusting thing she'd seen in her entire life - and she'd spent three years in U.S. studying politics! When she looked back, she saw an adorable little puppy. Of course, that's not what scared her. What scared her was the skeleton the puppy was running away from. Skeletons had surrounded the car, and were now pushing it back and forth and pounding the windows, hoping to break in. Unfortunately for the skeletons, they kept losing fingers and random bones inside the car.
Juliet screamed as one of the hands that had fallen off one of the skeletons crawled it's way up her leg. Apparently, losing hands and such wasn't a total loss for the skeletons, the bones could still move.
"THAT'S IT!!!" Juliet screeched. Butler could literally hear a snapping sound coming from his sister. Of course, that could always have been the head she just ripped off one of the skeletons. Speaking of heads, it was now trying to bite Butler. Butler caught it and pulled it away with his right shoe in it's mouth. Apparently the skeleton had a foot fettish.
Juliet disappeared into the back seat for a moment before returning with a gun - a top-of-the-line uzi painted pink... with flowers, skulls, and cross-bones. She quickly loaded it, and then she pulled the trigger. While the ammo didn't kill the evil undead monsters, Master's bloody creation being used to take over the world, it delayed them. They stumbled backwards on top of each other. Butler started the car. The siblings then began a long, EXTREMELY fun, and incredibly cool version of demolition derby. Until they got bored and decided to go into Master's mansion for a highly caffinated beverage. They walked up the steps and in through the front door.
*********
Artemis looked at his favorite toy in the whole world - his faithul action-packed action figure of the all time favorite hero (DA-DA-DA-DA!!!) MAAAAAAJOR GLORY!!!
"Practice good hygene. You have good taste. Look at my muscles."
Your *cough*favorite*cough* authoress, still being held hostage, sat filing her nails. She then took out her favorite nail polish - metallic purple with little pink sparkles! Slowly, she began to apply the nail polish and Artemis grew dizzy from the stench. That's when Major Glory decided to make his move.
POW!! THUNK!! SMASH!!
Artemis was thrown across the room like a ragdoll.
"WOULD YOU... AHHH!!! PUT.. OH #$%^$#!!! THAT STUFF AWAY!!!" Artemis yelled as he tried to dodge his action figures kicks and punches.
"What?" she asked, looking up. "Oh, sorry!" she replied. Always to happy to help!!! (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
Artemis began to fight back. He punched, he dodged left, he kicked! OH MY GOSH!!! MAJOR GLORY CRUMBLES AT HIS FEET!!! ARTEMIS FOWL HAS WON THE MATCH!!! YES!!! YAHOO!!! Ahem... sorry about that...
"I'm sorry, but I did what a must."
(Artemis: O.O'' "Did I have to say that?")
Master, seeing his plan failing, began to run away.
**********
...waddle waddle waddle.... waddle waddle waddle... waddle waddle waddle...
An army of undead penguins waddled along the road, demolishing everything in their path. They stopped momentarily. Turning to each other, they began to discuss their next course of action.
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This will be our kingdom.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This will be our earth.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will destroy the terran infestation.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will take back what is rightfully ours.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will begin with all the major cities.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "Hold on, I have a bird caught in my rib cage.")
(Authoress: O.O "AWWW!! THEY'RE SO CUTE!! I WANT ONE!!")
********
Artemis walked over to the authoress to see if she was okay.
"MY HERO!!!!" authoress said happily. She was just about to glomp him when suddenly.... THUNK!!! a house fell on her. Artemis reached down and pulled off the ruby red sparkling slippers. As he pulled them off, the house, including the authoress, disappeared in a puff of smoke and a very loud POP!
Shrugging it off, Artemis walked through the door that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He soon found himself walking down a yellow brick road.
*******
...waddle waddle waddle.... POUND! THUNK!! SMASH!!! waddle waddle waddle.... CRASH! SMASH!! THUNK!!! waddle waddle waddle...
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "This is the truth of our power.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will turn the earth into a frozen wonderland.")
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "Undead penguins every where will be able to roam freely."
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We represent the lollipop guild.")
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"
(Translator: "Now, let's go kill these $%^^%#%^&^!!!!")
*******
"What are you doing?" Butler asked his baby sister, the lovely Juliet.
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet answered in monotone.
"But we have to rescue Artemis." Butler pleaded.
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet said in monotone again. She looked at Butler.
"I know how much you miss Kylala. I know the two of you were betrothed. Marry her brother. Marry her before it's too late."
"Uh, Juliet... Kylala, my favorite little kitten of fluffy goodness, is dead. She's very fluffy and cute, but she VERY dead."
"Marry her Butler. You MUST marry her. The future of the world depends on it."
"What?"
Juliet opened a book and began to read.
"And behold, the world will be in darkness. Armies of the undead will roam the terran lands. This will be the end of the world. Until one rises. He will be a genuis, and will have one with him who knows the meaning of life, and one who is married to the dead cat.... So it is said, so must it be.... in accordance with prophesy." Juliet read in monotone.
"So you see, you're in love with the dead cat, you have to marry her. Artemis is the genuis. And I, I am the one who must know the meaning of life to stop the endless cycle of terror being brought on the world by the undead armies. My quest will not be easy, for I will constantly be hunted by undead penguin armies who will seek to destroy me. But I cannot let them."
Butler stared at his younger sister. Slowly, he picked up the phone and began to dial the number for the doctor. It appeared that Juliet seemed to have forgotten her medication.
***********
Kylala jumped from her grave. Yes, her body had been melted, but it came together all at once... and because of the power of the script. Kylala, you can thank me later... People are gonna think I'm crazy... I tell you, this cat popped out of nowhere and threatened to scratch me to death if she and Butler didn't end up together.... I don't get paid enough for this.
*********
"Waddle waddle waddle."
Artemis stared in wonder. Thousands of undead penguins had suddenly begun waddling at him when he reached the end of the yellow brick road. Oh wait, I forgot to turn the translator on... Say that again Mr. Leader of the Penguins!
"Waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We welcome you to Penguin land. We come in peace. Do not fear, we are your friends.")
"Waddle waddle waddle waddle."
(Translator: "We will now keep you as the only remianing terran because you are the most intellegent, and we will destroy the earth.")
(Artemis: o.O)
**************
Juliet walked through the dying lands of Oz. The teal sky thundered and groaned. Rain slowly began to fall. Juliet began to sing a song of old:
"DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM LOSE IT'S FLAVOR ON THE BEST POST AT NIGHT?
WHEN YOUR MOM TELLS YOU TO SPIT IT OUT DO YOU SWALLOW IT IN SPITE?"
....okay, maybe not so old.... But the Irish Rovers were one of Juliet's favorite bands.... (They make some of the best music on the planet by the way)
She sat on the grass, taking a break from walking. She didn't know how she was going to find this meaning of life. She only knew that the world's fate depended on her finding this 'meaning of life'.
*********
"I do."
"Kylala, do you take this human to be your husband???"
(Priest: O.O the bride is a cat... a... cat...)
"I do..."
"Then I now pronounce you, husband and.... cat...."
******************************************
Look out for the next chapter of Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and Holly Short -
Holly Short finally makes her appearance. Of course, she would've liked to do it when the Lower Elements weren't in total chaos. As the time shortens, Juliet struggles to understand the teachings of Great Teacher Largo and his ultimate L337N355... Meanwhile, Butler and Kylala share a joy filled honeymoon in the underworld. Why is Holly a princess in this new land of oz? And why are she and Artemis betrothed? AND WHO TOOK MY OTHER SHOE!!!
