JUDY HARLOW AND THE BOOB WINDOW
By Oregano
INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - LATER
The door opens and Jess enters, carrying Rory. Human Rory, that is. Dog Rory
follows behind.
RORY
(grogy)
What's going on? Why am I floating? I'm not in a pool, am I?
JESS
You ran into a tree.
He puts her down on the couch and walks into the kitchen.
RORY
No, seriously, what happened?
JESS (OC)
Okay, you caught me. You were running away from me...
He appears with a towel and some ice.
JESS
(cont'd)
And this jerk of a tree just stood up from its roots and went straight at you,
whamming you to the ground!
RORY
I ran into a tree?
JESS
Yes. You ran into a tree.
RORY
I ran into a tree?
JESS
(putting the ice on her nose)
Did you want an NFL-esque slow-motion play-by-play? You ran into a tree.
RORY
But... I don't run into trees.
JESS
That is the natural order of things; trees stay where they are and the
homo-sapiens just walk around it. Your probably just a new breed of
evolutionary human. Where's your mom?
RORY
Uh, hang on. Oh, the Inn. Why?
JESS
I am doing the chivalrous thing and calling your
mother to tell her about this incident, therefore removing me of any blame she
may hold against me in the near future for Marcia Brady-ing your face.
RORY
Chivalrous. Where's your application for the
Round Table?
JESS
Oh, it's on its way as we speak.
Jess reaches for the phone and starts to dial. Just as he puts it to his ear, Rory tears it off his face.
RORY
No, wait! Her evil friend's over there. This won't look good.
JESS
It doesn't look good now.
He tosses her a box of tissues and nods to her bleeding nose.
RORY
Just don't call her.
INT. LUKE'S DINER - A FEW SECONDS LATER
The phone behind the counter rings and Luke comes up to answer it.
LUKE
Yeah.
(beat)
She what? Are you sure you didn't grab her face and slam it there? Yeah, yeah,
I'm coming.
INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - LATER STILL
Rory's still on the couch, with an icepack on her forehead.
JESS
Just stick it in there!
RORY
No!
JESS
Why the hell not?!
RORY
It's embarrassing!
JESS
(sighs)
Rory, you already ran into a tree. Stuffing your nose with a Kleenex can't
possibly make it worse.
Rory frowns and begrudgingly sticks a piece of tissue paper up her nose.
LUKE (OC from outside)
Hey! I'm here!
He comes into the living room carrying a grocery bag.
LUKE
Okay, I got some aspirin, Betadine, Iodine, which
I don't know the difference from Betadine, but it looked medical so I bought it,
cotton, gauze, that human tape thing that's worse to get off than a band aid...
He looks to his right and pauses. Dog Rory is jumping at Luke's hip with his hind legs.
LUKE
Why is there a dog here?
JESS
Rory, stop humping Luke!
LUKE
Gah, excuse me?
RORY
The dog's name is Rory. And he's not humping
you!
As Rory glares at Jess, Luke thinks for a moment.
LUKE
Coincidence? Freak neighbour with scary
interest for Rory? Really big Eight Simple Rules fan?
RORY
Nah, Jess named him.
LUKE
Ah, so it's the second choice.
JESS
Excuse me?
LUKE
Nothing, I didn't say... anything.
Luke sighs, ignores the dog and walks over to Rory.
INT. INDEPENDENCE INN - SAME DAY
Lorelai is showing Judy around and brings her into the KITCHEN.
LORELAI
This is our kitchen. It's fully furnished and has all those cooking devices cool
enough and complicated enough to make James Bond cry. And Our Sean Connery is
Sookie St. James, and seriously, the best. Food. Ever.
JUDY
This is fabulous.
Lorelai grins oddly.
JUDY
(off Lorelai's look)
What?
LORELAI
No, uh, you just... you just looked so much like my mother when you said that.
It was creepy.
Judy says nothing but gives Lorelai a curt nod.
Suddenly a pan flies across them, nearly hitting Judy in the face. From behind
the cooking shelf, we hear SOOKIE ST. JAMES.
SOOKIE (OC)
Whoops!
She runs towards Lorelai and Judy, both of whom are rather shocked to be almost
killed by a flying pan.
LORELAI
God, Sookie, was that a pan?!
SOOKIE
Yeah, I was just--
(makes a throwing gesture)
Then the pan went--
(makes a "phsew!" sound and whips around)
LORELAI
All right. We totally understand you there.
Sookie smiles sheepishly and wipes her hand in her apron, just noticing Judy.
SOOKIE
Oh, is this your friend from high school?
LORELAI
Ah, yeah, Sookie, this is Judy Harlow.
(to Judy)
Judy, this is Sean Connery and won't try to kill you with a pan the next time
around.
SOOKIE
(Sean Connery voice)
Greetings, madam. I assure you that's the first time that's ever happened.
(giggles at herself)
As one of her assistants passes by to get the pan back, he hears Sookie and
SNORTS.
SOOKIE
Hey!
Lorelai exits, but shares a "God, I hate this!" look with Sookie as she does.
INT. INDEPENDENCE INN - GARDENS - LATER
Lorelai is still showing Judy around.
LORELAI
So I was thinking that this would be the perfect place to hold the ceremony.
Flowers, balloons, maybe set up a piano over on that side... one couple even had
swans over here one time. Seemed better in threory rather than execution,
because one of the kids fed it something and it went berserk. Two people
actually went to the Emergency Room.
JUDY
(rather appalled)
How lovely.
LORELAI
God, there you go again, Emily-ing it up.
Suddenly Judy whirls at Lorelai, angry.
JUDY
Lorelai, do you not want me as your client?
LORELAI
What are you saying? Of course I do!
JUDY
Because truthfully, between that rude concierge, the killer cook and swans that
attack people, I don't feel that you're too keen on my hiring this inn for my
wedding. There's also that fact that you keep reminding me that I remind you of
Emily. She's a wonderful woman, but I'm aware that you don't feel the same way I
do on the matter, and--
LORELAI
I hated you in high school!
JUDY
What?
Lorelai pauses.
But her annoyance gets the best of her and she explodes.
LORELAI
I hated you, so much, in high school. I know you know that, Judy. I know! You
kept following me around, saying bad things about me, and I distinctly remember
a plan you had to steal Christopher away from me with the help of Jell-O. I
don't know why I remember that, but I do. We were enemies, Judy. We were at war.
And since we're in this honest state of mind, I would love to take this time to
ask you, after all that crap and terrible history, why, why in the world and the
name of all things holy would you want your wedding at your worst enemy's
country inn?!
Judy just looks at her, stupified.
INT. GILMORE
RESIDENCE - AFTERNOON
Lorelai trudges into the house, tired and annoyed.
LORELAI (to OC)
Rory! Momma's home and she needs you to whip out a fruit hat, hold a margarita
and sing "Copa Cabana" to her!
She walks into the living room and sees Dog Rory. She looks at it for a moment
and tilts her head.
LORELAI
(to Dog Rory)
This is very Roald Dahl of you, Kiddo. Those damned witches develop a taste for
the canine variety now?
RORY (OC)
Mom, I'm in the kitchen!
LORELAI
Oh, thank God I don't have to beat up Angelica Houston. Because she can totally
take me on.
Lorelai enters the kitchen and SCREAMS.
LORELAI
What the hell happened to you?! You look like you should be in Beverly Hills
bunking up with Anna Nicole!
We see that Rory has a huge bruise on her forehead and a tissue is stuck up her
nose.
Jess comes out from behind Lorelai.
JESS
She ran into a tree.
LORELAI
She what?!
JESS
I have a feeling that I should just tape myself saying that and play it over and
over.
Lorelai looks at Jess as if he has just grown a second nose.
RORY
It's his new catchphrase.
LORELAI
You'll make millions.
(beat)
Guh, what are you doing here, if you don't mind my asking?
JESS
What if I did?
LORELAI
I don't have time for the cute stuff, Bobby. What are you doing in my house?
RORY
He was taking care of me.
LUKE (OC)
Okay, I finally got this stupid thing open...
Luke walks in carrying a dilapitated box of gauze.
LUKE
(cont'd)
You'd think for emergencies, they'd make the damend packaging easier to rip off,
but no. They want you to bleed to death before getting any treatment... oh, hi
Lorelai.
LORELAI
Why are we being taken over by the Diner Boys?!
LUKE
Hey!
RORY
They were tending to my care.
LORELAI
Why didn't you call me?
RORY
Because your evil friend was with you and this'd make things look bad...
LORELAI
Well, even if you had called, saying your face was falling off, I don't think
I'd have made much of a difference. She passed on us.
LUKE
Why?
LORELAI
I went Jim Carrey on her.
RORY
Oh, no! You're scary when you go Jim Carrey!
LORELAI
Honey, I'm aware. Thus the reason she passed on us.
RORY
That sucks.
LORELAI
Well, considering I don't have to work with Judy Harlow, I'm not dying to throw
myself off a cliff over the loss.
The phone suddenly RINGS. Lorelai walks to the living room to get it.
LORELAI
Hello?
(beat)
Oh, hi Dean.
JESS
That's my cue.
RORY
Jess...
LUKE
Yeah, you're mom's already here, anyway.
RORY
Well, thanks you guys.
Luke nods and exits. Jess takes his coat and does the same to Rory, then salutes
to Lorelai.
Lorelai just rolls her eyes and gives the phone to Rory.
Just then, her own cell phone rings. She answers it.
LORELAI
Hello?
EMILY
Lorelai?
Lorelai smacks her head with the heel of her palm.
LORELAI
Hi, Mom.
