Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and Holly Short

by out-to-lunch

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing...

Holly Short walked through the main buidling for the Lower Elements Police. She was trying to ignore the incoming gouls and villans who were under arrest. The LEP had been in total chaos. Two buildings had been blown up by goblins, three banks had been robbed, and that was considered a normal day on the job. In the past twelve weeks thirty-two people were arrested for protesting. It appeared that Artemis Fowl's situations had made it to the public.

What had seemed like a nice, peaceful vacation had become a fight for sanity as Holly tried to dodge the press and do her job. Grub kept getting hang nails, Trouble was living up to his reputation fortunately... That left only one thing out of recent events - the munchkin rebellion. Oh, and Mulch met a nice Goblin friend. Apparently, they broke out of jail together and are chilling somehwere in the bahamas.

The goblin who Mulch broke out with had been identified as Izzy something-or-other. Quite an unusual name for goblin, and Holly should know. She'd been around goblins for a LONG time. Holly had read her file. Izzy something-or-other had been arrested for setting fire to a building which turned out to house her old mob who turned against her the first time she was caught by the LEP.... for robbery. Why are goblins always the bad guys???

*******

In the meantime, in another place, Artemis Fowl was trying to talk some sense into these undead penguins, the new residents of munchkin land. You could tell they were the new residents by the huge deathray they carted around everywhere they went.

"BUT YOU CAN'T JUST DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!!!"

(Waddle: "Waddle waddle waddle. Waddle.")

"Waddle waddle waddle. Waddle waddle waddle waddle waddle."

(Translator: "Why not?")

"Because! We provide food for you!"

(Waddle: "Waddle waddle waddle.")

Artemis had not meant what the penguins thought he meant... Artemis had meant fish. Unfortunately, the penguins had gotten the idea that Artemis meant eating the humans.

"Waddle waddle waddle."

(Translator: "They do seem to have a lot of meat.")

"Waddle waddle waddle."

(Translator: "Yes, yes. But they need salt.")

"Waddle waddle WADDLE!!!" one of the penguins in the back of the group spoke.

(Translator: "We cannot eat the humans! THINK OF THE CALORIES!!")

"Waddle waddle waddle." all the penguins agreed...

"Waddle.... Waddle waddle waddle....?"

(Translator: "But.... Might they taste good fried.")

"Waddle waddle waddle." all the penguins agreed.

"Waddle waddle waddle!" another penguin spoke.

(Translator: "NO!! We should bake them!")

"Waddle waddle waddle." some of the penguins said.

"Waddle waddle waddle." other penguins said. Just then another spoke, perhaps the cutest and sweetest of them all!!

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!! WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE?"

(Translator: "WE CANNOT EAT THE HUMANS! WHAT ABOUT OUR HUMANITY???")

"......." And there was silence among the undead penguins of earth.

(Moments upon moments of silence among penguins: "........")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

(Translator: "Fry them!")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!"

(Translator: "BAKE THEM!")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

(Translator: "FRY THEM!!")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!"

(Translator: "BAKE THEM!")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

(Translator: "FRY THEM!!")

"Waddle waddle.... waddle....?" spoke one of the smallest penguins....

(Translator: "What if we boil them in soy sauce?")

........"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

(Translator: "Indeed, the small one is wise! Let us boil them in soy sauce!")

(Artemis: O.O *slaps hand to forehead*)

*************************

Butler and Kylala sat in the hotel room they had rented for the duration of their honeymoon. It was the best room in all the underworld. It had the greatest view of the swamps of heck, the mountains of fire, and of course, it was THE spot for underworld vacations. Practically fifty-thousand zombies, skeletons, and all things dead and disgusting. Kylala currently fit that category, just don't say it to her face. Of course, Kylala had to call in a few favors to get this perfect oasis. In other words, she went around threatening to claw people to death... mainly the authoress.

Never the less, Butler had never been more happy. Of course, there was the stench problem. So many undead and evil monsters, there would be a stench problem. It was also a little too hot for Butler's taste. He wasn't exactly a fan of trudging up fire mountains. And even though the BEST place in the underworld to swim was the swamps of heck, he didn't enjoy swimming in a swamp made of acid where dead fish roamed free. Coincidently, it was also fishy heck, so every one in a while you'd see a catfish devour some small goldfish, or perhaps even a fighter fish.

Sighing, Butler shrugged. He might as well make the most of it. After all, he was here with his brand new kittie wife, and that was all he cared about.

**********************

You can probably guess that Juliet wished that she was having the same good luck as Butler. She was now in Japan's land of Oz. She had even been called an emmisery of the undead of one known as 'Great Teacher Largo'.... She was an anime and manga fan.... Now where did that name sound familiar. He had been following with his friend who was called 'Piro'. Juliet had guess Piro was the smart one... But she just couldn't help her feelings for Largo, he reminded Juliet so much of herself! ...When he wasn't following her with a bunch of sharpened pencils and saying 'B3|-|0LD |\/|Y L337N355! J00 W1LL D13 L34D3R 0F T3|-| UND34D!"

"WILL YOU BUZZ OFF YOU PSYCHO!!!" Juliet shouted. She didn't have time for this. She HAD to find the meaning of life. And what was this L337N355??? How do you even pronounce that?? (LEETNESS!!! for further reference see http://www.megatokyo.com/ )

"1 W1LL CUR3 T3|-| W0RLD 0F 7|-|0S3 L1K3 J00!!! B3|-|0LD |\/|Y M4G1C4L L337N355!!" ...that made Juliet stop in her tracks... She looked expectantly at the authoress...

(I will cure the world of your kind. I know the meaning of life...'Behold my magical leetness')

"You can teach me the meaning of life?" Juliet said happily. She turned around and looked Great Teacher Largo in the eyes.

"17 W1LL B3 |-|4RD. 1 W1LL 734C|-| J00 |\/|Y B357!!" Largo replied... Darn, she was |-|07!

"Yes!!" Juliet shouted happily. Largo observed her. He knew the first thing that had to change.....

***********

Mulch looked at Izzy, his one TRUE love... Then the authoress skipped this 'cuz she thought it was WAY TOO sappy...

*************************

"HOLLY!!! YOU'RE LATE!!!" Julius yelled.

Holly looked toward Julius. It appeared as though he was having coniptions. His eye was twitching, and a HUGE vain was making itself apparent at the top of his forehead... Holly had the sudden urge to sweatdrop.

"I got stuck in traffic." Holly replied in apology. Man, this sucked.

"WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO DISCUSS WEATHER!!!! FOALY!! GET OVER HERE!!!" Salad yelled.

Foaly the Centaur, now the rave of the Lower Elements, popped up out of thin air. His sense of style and his four legs were now hip and chic. They were the hottest thing in the Lower Elements... making Foaly undeniably 'cool'.

"Something's up with Artemis Fowl."

"WHAT???" Holly nearly screamed. Foaly rolled his eyes.

"Strange things are afoot at the circle k."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Nice set of lungs...." Foaly complained... Holly cleared her throat while mumbling a small sorry...

"First, Artemis Fowl's favorite rubber duckie with squeaking goodness and yellowie cuteness, affectionately called Irving, is missing. Then we discover the disappearance of his favorite action figure, MAJOR GLORY!!! The authoress was kidnapped, the cat died, AND his favorite stuffed dragoon is missing..."

"What about his girlfriend?" Holly gaped.

"His girlfriend? OH! She's gone missing too." Foaly added in.

"Your mission is to find Artemis Fowl, who has himself gone missing. Find him, bring him back here. He has gone to the land of.... OZ!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

And so, Holly embarked on her adventure to the strange and wonderous land of Oz. Following the yellow brick road, she soon came to a stop. This was Munchkin land!!! It was destroyed!!! And now where it stood were undead penguins with a HUGE deathray. Not to mention Artemis Fowl. Was Artemis the cause of this tragedy?

The penguins looked her over... Whistling and other sounds then came also...

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

Artemis and Holly looked at each other. She looked so familiar to Artemis. She was blond, small, with really short hair. But then, she was also very gorgeous.

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"

Artemis looked to the penguins and then authoress...

(Translator: "She is pretty. Is she compatible?")

(Translator: "YES! SHE WILL MATE WITH THE HUMAN ONE!!")

Artemis and Holly stared at each other.... Oh boy....

************************

Juliet studied Great Teacher Largo carefully, learning all his secrets. She must have this 'L337N355', she must know the meaning of life. She was on a great step in the journey of life. She was struggling to understand Great Teacher Largo's important teachings, she must know the meaning of life. She was currently at the local arcade, beating the crap out of some loser at Dead or Alive. Largo stood back, observing her. Yep, she was doing well.

POW!!! CRASH!!! POUND!!! ....and Juliet won....

"J00 |-|4V3 C0|\/|PL373D 73|-| F1R57 P|-|453 0F J00'R3 7R41N1NG!" Largo told her.

(You are doing well, young one. But this is just the first step in your journey.)

"7|-|4NK J00 GR347 734C|-|3R L4RG0!!!"

(Yes, thank you Master.)

(Authoress: o.O I'm really messed up in the head)

*************************

And so there stood Captain Holly Short trying to get out of this whole.... mating... thing.... She was completely surrounded, there was no way out. Penguins blocked every side, each with a dangerous glint in their eyes. Oh, Artemis was trying to get out of it too.

"But... But I CAN'T end up with Artemis Fowl! I'm... uh..." Holly stopped midsentence... "Engadged..."

Artemis looked toward Holly.

"Engadged? TO WHO?" Artemis asked suddenly. HA! Holly? Engadged? ...wait a second... why should he care?

"To, uh.... to.... Ro- no.... F-no........ K- Trouble KELP!!!" Holly shouted. For a moment she couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't find out... but then, Trouble Kelp most likely wouldn't been appearing in this fanfic... or, would he? The penguins GLARED at the kawaii authoress. Oh, yeah... *scratches head sheepishly* sorry 'bout that...

And so the penguins looked at each other. Engadged? To Trouble Kelp? Well, this DID present a problem!

"Waddle waddle waddle?" the head penguin asked.

(Translator: "So then, how will the authoress her out of this one???")

"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!"

(Translator: "WEDDING!!!! B33R!!!")

The penguin began to sway left and right, so obviously intoxicated.... among OTHER things....

Meanwhile the authoress dropped the fanfic to get to her oh-so-important history exam. Until she was lynched was brought back to life as a frog - and have you noticed how green things have been lately? Wow, amazing how I've led you off topic! Anyway, after the angry mob of reviewers lynched the authoress, who was reborn as a frog and is chasing darling Iga from Shaolin Sisters, they threw a shoe at her and she deicded perhaps she should get back to the lunacy she creates during math and psych! Where was I? Oh, yeah...

And so cheers were heard from the crowd. Ruthless evil undead penguins were jumping up and down shouting and waddling the words 'wedding! b33r! wedding! b33r! wedding! b33r! goopy balls!'

|* |.|* | | *|.| *| | * |.| * | *blink blink*

(Artemis: *looks at kalin*)

(A/N a.k.a. kalin, my new nickname: "IT WASN'T ME!!! DEMITRIOUS! MY EVIL WING-ED MUSE WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE ASMODEUS FROM MEGATOKYO DID IT!")

(dEmItrIous: *grin evilly*)

****************************************

The underworld was in total chaos! The evil undead man-eating zombies who worked at the dry-cleaners were rebelling. That evil cat who married Butler is currently threatening to claw kalin's eyes out, while Demitrious began his rampage, taking over kalin's fanfic entirely.

"You know, this honeymoon thing's not very fun anymore. Wanna go egg some live people's cars?" kitty asked. Butler looked at her.

"I think we need to go back - something bad's happening above... I think Arty's in trouble." Butler said.

"What? You mean like some truely evil being threatening to destroy man-kind? Are we talking about Master or those really ugly penguin dudes?"

"How'd you know about the evil?"

"I didn't, but that's always the story."

*******************************

*screen goes blank*

*REALLY cute chibi face appears*

"I am Demitrious!" *Demitrious' eyes begin to swirl* "You are getting sleepy. You will announce me leader of the world! I am your GOD! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH-" *continues with the yaking and blah blah blahs* "AND UNTIL YOU ELECT ME LEADER OF THE UNIVERSE, I WILL DESTROY THE PREVIEW OF EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER TO COME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" *ducks as the audience throws crap at him*

Kalin: note to self, rip Demitrious' wings off.