Chapter 3
The Gift That Nobody Ever Wanted
Seiji opened Naste's jeep to grab his beauty bag. Every morning, without fail, he would brush and gel his hair to perfection. Sometimes, depending on how much he slept the night before, he would even use a little base to mask those dark circles. A bit of eyeshadow couldn't hurt. And occasionally, he felt that his lips could use a little gloss. Yes, Seiji was one masculine warrior.
As he set the bag back down in its hiding place he noticed a package. It was meticulously wrapped and addressed simply to "The Irritating Little Troopers." Seiji smiled. At least it wasn't addressed to him. Irritating? Hmm.Well, they obviously must have meant Shu and Ryo.
"Naste, Ryo and Shu have a package here."
Naste looked at him. "Umm, Seiji? I don't recall having a package in my car for them."
" Naste, its right here."
She went over to look. "Well, that's definently a package."
"So what do we do with it?"
"Give it to them, of course."
"Ryo! Shu! You have a package!"
Ryo and Shu walked over to the jeep. Shu elbowed Ryo.
"Hope its doughnuts." "Are you always hungry?"
"It's not my fault."
Shu lifted the package and set it on the ground. Ryo carefully removed the wrapping paper. Shu removed the chain. Together they removed the many layers of duct-tape and opened the box.
AND YULI WAS FREE!
With a squeal of utmost delight, Yuli rushed over to Ryo and began frantically humping his leg as a sign of adoration.
"Ryo!"
Ryo shook his leg in panic but the thing would not let go.
"What the hell are you!"
Seiji looked closely at Yuli.
"He looks like a replica of Jun!"
"What!"
But it was true. Even Jun had to agree that the horny little bastard on Ryo's leg did look uncommonly like him. Freakishly like him.
"Somebody get it off! Get it off!"
Back in the Youjenkai, the Masho laughed their evil little asses off.
After about an hour, the Troopers managed to pry Yuli off Ryo's leg. They also managed to pry the note out of the thing's hands. Naste began reading it out loud.
To Rekka, Tenku, Korin, Seiko, and Kongo
Hope it gives you hell. Bet you wished you joined us when you had the chance.
Your worst enemies,
The Yon Masho
PS. Wasn't the wrapping paper just adorable? ^_^
Naste crumpled the note into a ball and threw it to the ground. The Troopers all looked at each other. They had to admit that this was the most evil thing the Masho had done yet. It was even worse than the murder of the professor.
"Damn," Ryo whispered. (Yuli had been beaten unconscious and he did not want to wake him up.) "What are we going to do?"
The Troopers shrugged. They needed a plan and they needed one fast.
The Masho were also in a quandary.
"But Master Arago, now that Yuli is in place we don't need to go fight them!"
"Silence! One of you must go destroy them while they are stunned by the presence of Yuli!"
"Yuli will destroy them without our help. We'll only get in the way."
"NO! I am going to give you all half an hour, you hear me, half an hour to decide who will go. And when I come back, you had better chosen someone!"
"Yes Master Arago."
Arago disappeared. The Masho went to Rajura's room because there was stuff to throw at each other in there.
"So who's going to go?"
There was a chorus of 'Not me.' Naaza chucked a lamp at Shuten. "Shuten, you always want to go. So go!" Shuten ducked. "With Yuli out there?! I think not!" A vase flew across the room.
"Someone just do it!"
"Yeah, why don't you!"
And it went on until Shuten thought of a wonderful way of persuasion. Shuten smiled and walked over to Rajura.
"Why don't you go and fight?"
"Because I don't have a death wish."
Rajura was painfully aware of how close Shuten was to him.
"Would you do it for me?"
"What?"
Shuten put his arms around his neck. "Would you do it for me?"
"I-I don't."
"You know you would."
Naaza and Anubis watched, fascinated. Shuten was doing one hell of a job. They knew that he would be able to "persuade" Rajura to do damn near anything. Both of them were silently cheering him on. They didn't want to be the ones who had to face Yuli Rajura edged back from Shuten. "You're not going to get me to go out there."
Shuten smiled. Wanna bet? I know I can get you to. "How much would it take to get you to?"
"I'm not going!"
Shuten sighed and turned his back on Rajura. Damn him! Do I need to take drastic measures? Wait, Yuli's out there. This does call for something drastic!
"Kso! We only have five minutes!"
"Aragosama will be pretty pissed."
"Why? Rajura's going to go."
The other three Masho stared at Shuten. Shuten smiled.
"Uh, Shuten I don't recall agreeing to this."
"Fine then. Let me refresh your memory."
Shuten kissed Rajura.
"If tonight I spend the night in your room and do whatever you want, then will you remember!"
Rajura nodded. Five minutes later, he was off to destroy the Samurai Troopers.
Shuten turned to the others.
"So, what do you think?"
"That was one hell of a performance, Shuten. One hell of a performance."
"Yeah, the poor bastard didn't have a chance."
Shuten laughed. "You two owe me big time." Somehow the night always seemed scarier when Yuli was around. Naste noticed a change in the Trooper's spirits. It was a lot harder for them to be happy now. Right then, they were discussing strategy.
"So, our goal is to get rid of Yuli."
"And defeat Arago!"
"Oh, right. That too. But our first priority is to remove Yuli."
The Troopers nodded.
"Any suggestions how?"
Silence. Shu pensively munched on a hamburger. Seiji brushed his hair. Toma solved a calculus problem. Byauken blinked. Lightning flashed dramatically and the Troopers heard the background music change to a very familiar tune.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MASHO
* GASP*
IT WAS NOT RAJURA!
* GASP*
IT WAS PRETTY BOY SHUTEN DOUJI!
Naste and Jun screamed and hid behind Ryo. Yuli ran and screamed too, but ran smack into Naste's frying pan. Naste smiled.
"Knew that thing would come in handy."
She continued to hide behind Ryo. The Troopers noticed Shuten shudder when he saw Yuli.
"Like your present?"
"No! And I'm going to."
"Look, I didn't come here to argue. I have to ask you a favor."
"What!"
"Just listen for a minute! Rajura is going to come here any second and it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you defeat him."
The Troopers blinked.
"Why."
"Just because! I don't care how you do it, but he can't return to the Youjenkai until after tonight."
"Why should we do anything for you!"
Shuten turned around. Because I'm beautiful and talented and drop- dead sexy.
"Because, Tenku, I know how to get rid of Yuli."
And with that, Shuten left.
The Troopers stood in shock.
The damn theme music started up again.
It was the Gen Masho. And if they defeated him, Yuli would be gone. Ryo looked at the others.
"We can't afford to loose this battle."
Everyone nodded. Yuli, having no idea what was going on, nodded too.
"Go Ryo!"
Its Ryo, not Rye-oh you little.
And with that, Ryo charged into battle.
Shuten and the others were cheering the Troopers on when they sensed someone was at the gates. A person whom they knew was definently not allowed in the Youjenkai.
Kaos continued to bang on the gate. He pounded at it for two straight hours when a very pissed-off Shuten appeared outside.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!"
Kaos sighed. Great, It just had to be Shuten. This is going to take forever.
"I need to speak to Arago."
"Too bad, shit licker."
"I didn't come to hurl obscenities, Shuten. I must speak to Arago.'
"That's Aragosama to you, you old."
"Did you not hear me, Shuten Douji? I HAVE TO SPEAK TO ARAGO!"
"Well, if you're just going to yell at me, I'm not even going to consider it."
Shuten disappeared. Kaos waited. And waited. He waited some more.
"Still out here?"
"Hmm, let me think about that for a minute."
Shuten laughed. "Aragosama said to let you in, old man. Oh, excuse me, Master Kaos."
Kaos resisted the urge to punch him and entered the Youjenkai. Shuten went back to fervently praying that Rajura would loose.
"Why have you come here, Kaos?"
"Everything is wrong!"
"What?"
"Everything! This is not supposed to happen!"
"Explain yourself!"
Kaos pulled out the script. "There is no mention of Yuli in here. He doesn't belong here and he's screwing up the whole plot! He might even change the whole outcome of the story!"
"And?"
"And we may still have the power to prevent this. The first step is to remove Yuli. To do this we must, I repeat must, combine forces."
Arago laughed. "You think I'm stupid don't you?"
You want me to answer that? "Of course not."
Arago pondered for a while.
"Remember, Arago, this is Yuli we're talking about."
"I'll do it, Kaos, but only because its Yuli."
"I understand. Oh, and you should call back Rajura before the Troopers kill him. You really chose some pathetic men, but anyways.You speak to them and I'll speak with the Troopers."
"Alright. You can leave now, Kaos."
Shuten slumped down to the floor. He had eavesdropped through the whole thing. Combine forces with THEM! And calling Rajura back.calling Rajura back? Oh, shit. This is not good, not good at all.
"What do you mean Kaos? Join forces with them? They're the whole reason Yuli is here in the first place." "Not to mention they're evil." "And that they'd as soon kill us than help us out." Kaos folded his hands and regarded all the Troopers sternly. "Against Yuli we are all united." The Troopers agreed that Kaos did have a point. With their help, they might remove Yuli once and for all. And didn't Shuten say that he knew how to get rid of Yuli? "Sorry, Kaos. We understand now."
The meeting was interrupted by a scream from Naste.
"What is it? Are you all right?" The Troopers rushed over to her.
"It's gone! Yuli is gone!"
"WHAT!"
Naste shrugged. "I just looked over and he wasn't there anymore! I searched all over and I found this."
The Troopers picked up the note. Naste scanned it and translated it into Japanese on her computer.
U Guys is mean. I'm gonna run away. Bye.
Love Yuli.
The Troopers' initial feelings were that of joy. Yuli was gone! But soon they realized that it was loose in the world, free to commit all sorts of evils. It suddenly didn't sound like such a good thing anymore. Ryo broke the silence.
"We have to find Yuli. Who's going to go?"
Shin sneezed. "I think feel a cold coming on."
Shin groaned. "I, uh, broke my leg."
Toma coughed. "I've contracted Ebola."
Ryo rolled his eyes and looked at Seiji. "And you?"
"Overexposure to Yuli will give me severe internal bleeding."
Ryo sighed. "Well, this could take a while."
"We're joining the Troopers to get rid of Yuli."
"But Master Arago!"
"No buts! Deal with it!"
And with that, Arago left. The Masho flipped him off.
"Hey, where's Shuten?"
"I don't know. Probably hiding from you."
Rajura shrugged. "His fault. He didn't have to bargain with me. I really need to find him, though. Backing out was not an option."
"I think he hoped the Troopers would kill you."
Rajura laughed and went to go find Shuten.
Shuten was, as the other two had speculated, hiding from Rajura. He did not particularly relish the idea of spending the night with Rajura especially as he knew of his obsession with bondage and whipped cream.
You are so stupid Shuten! Why the hell did you trade yourself for protection against Yuli?
Well, it was Yuli.
Even so, you're in big trouble.
I'll hide.
For a whole night?
Yes! Now shut up!
Shuten gingerly crawled along the roof. It was raining and the roof was slippery. Only a true idiot would even attempt to climb on it. And Shuten was indeed one desperate idiot. However, he soon realized that he needed to go back inside or catch hypothermia and die. He slid through one of the windows into Naaza's room.
"Rajura's looking for you."
"I kind of already know that."
"He'll find you and when he does." Naaza paused to let it sink in, "Have loads of fun."
"I hate you."
"Then get out of my room. I'm not going to hide you."
Shuten left and began quietly making his way down the hall.
Yuli was lonely. He had replenished his stock of Band-Aids and wanted to get back to the Troopers. He also wasn't mad at them anymore. Yuli pulled out a picture of Ryo. He lowered his head to the picture. "Well, Ryo, which way?" "Okay, that way. Thanks Ryo!" Yuli skipped away, tripped, and landed face-first in a pile of doggie doo.
Shuten was hiding in Rajura's room. To most, that would appear to be a very stupid idea but Shuten reasoned that as Rajura was trying to bring him here, it would be the last place he'd look. Of course, he was wrong. Rajura smiled sweetly at Shuten. "I win." Shuten scanned the room desperately for a weapon, any weapon. "Uh, I think I shouldn't be here right now." Rajura locked the door. Shuten turned pale. "Okay, I'm sure I shouldn't be here right now."
"Too bad. You promised, Shuten."
"And I have a feeling that I'll be regretting it very soon."
"Oh, don't look at it in such a negative way."
"Rape isn't negative?"
"It doesn't have to be rape, you know. And quit trying to talk your way out of this. It won't work."
And Shuten knew that not even the Almighty Potato King could save him.
The next day.
Yuli blew his nose on his Ryo doll. "Well, Ryo, I think we're lost."
Yuli knew there was only one thing to do; bawl. And boy did he ever.
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M LOST AND ALONE AND HUNGRY AND I GOT DOGGIE POOP ON MY FACE!"
The picture of Ryo stayed silent.
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY BINKY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH RYO!"
Yuli blinked. That was unexpected.
"Well, I do. So there!" he yelled to no one in particular.
"Hey, Anubis, you seen Shuten?"
"Nope. Its kind of hard to see someone when they've barricaded themselves in their room."
"Oh. And Rajura?"
"Asleep."
"Okay."
Naaza went down the hall and knocked on Shuten's door.
"You alive?"
"No. Go away."
"You sure?"
"Yes! Now go away!"
"Are you sure you're sure?"
There was silence. Naaza tried the door handle. Locked. He shrugged and kicked the door down. Shuten was on his bed, curled up in an abject ball of misery. He glared at Naaza, then buried his face in his pillows.
"I told you to go away."
"So?"
"So you should."
"Why?"
"Go fuck Yuli!"
"At least I didn't screw Rajura."
That did it. Shuten punched Naaza in the face.
"Why you-Hey, are you crying Shuten?"
"N-no!"
"Are you sure?"
Shuten attempted to say yes, but his lip was quivering. He nodded instead.
"Liar."
Shuten nodded again, like the little overemotional sissy he was.
Rajura, unlike Shuten, was having a great day. At that moment, he was playing with dolls.
"Like, hi Courtney! This mall is totally rad."
"Like, no duh. Barbie, this is like, so cool."
"Like, have you seen Ken?"
"Yeah, he is like, so hot!"
"Totally! And like, Tommy is so fine."
And so on and so forth. Rajura had an unhealthy love of Barbie dolls. However, he often wrote to Mattel complaining about Ken. Try as he might, Ken would never fit into Barbie's clothes. Ken's clothes were always so, so masculine. Mattel needed to produce a line of women's clothes for Ken, along with a boyfriend. And Rajura would not rest until that day came.
After an hour or so, he got bored and went to go find Shuten.
Arago summoned the Masho.
"You are to meet with the Troopers."
Arago paused. Weren't there four Masho?
"Where's Shuten?"
"Uh, he's sick."
Rajura looked questioningly at Naaza.
"Just go along with it!" Naaza hissed.
"Yeah, he's sick."
"With what?"
"Poliomyelitis."
"Bubonic plague."
"Mad cow disease."
The three Masho looked at each other. Arago did not appear convinced.
Arago's eyes glowed, "Is he really sick?"
"Yes. He threw up about six times."
"Uh-huh. And he's delirious; been talking about Amish fruit bats destroying the paper towel industry."
"Well, my dear Masho, the Troopers are coming here in an hour to discuss Yuli. That's really all. Oh, and one of you needs to keep an eye on Shuten. He is my favorite, you know."
And with that Arago left.
"That was close."
"Tell me about it. Oh, and Naaza, is Shuten really sick?"
"Not exactly. More like drugged."
"What?"
" I was just being nice! He's all depressed about, you know, about last night. He was crying and I made him feel better. Better than him having a mental breakdown."
"What'd you give him?"
"Nothing dangerous."
"Oh, I feel so reassured."
"Well, Rajura, it is mostly your fault."
"Is not!"
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!
"IS TOO! IS TOO! IS TOO!"
Rajura left the room before all his dignity went down the toilet. After all, didn't Master Arago say that someone needed to check on Shuten?
The Troopers were scrambling to get ready in time.
"We only have forty-five minutes left!" Naste screamed as she ran a hairbrush through her hair.
Shu wore a muscle T-shirt and jeans. He looked very masculine and intimidating, or so he thought. In all reality, he looked like a fat slob.
Seiji was putting his makeup on. He put on some sour apple lip-gloss because it takes a true man to put up with that mouth-puckering flavor. Some mascara to attract attention to his eyes and then he began the task of selecting the perfect outfit.
"Toma! Do these pants make my butt look big?"
"Of course not. But I suggest you use the peach-colored blush; it brings out your natural beauty more than the kind you have on now."
Toma was dressed normal, but he was wearing his glasses. He figured that he need to look very intelligent in front of the Masho. Plus, Seiji said they brought out his eyes.
Shin wore a Save The Whales T-shirt and his lucky Save The Grasshopper underwear. He also pulled on his Save The Fish socks and his Amoebas Have Feelings Too jacket. Jun wore the same putrid outfit he did everyday. Ryo also didn't do anything special, but he walked around worrying.
We can't wear our armor and we're going to face our sworn enemies? Somehow, this just doesn't seem right.
The forty-five minutes were soon up and they all hopped in Naste's jeep. Somehow, defying all reason, they all fit. Naste started up the engine and sped recklessly toward the Netherworld gates.
Rajura brushed his hair, all the while cursing that Master Arago had given them only an hour's notice. How was he supposed to get ready in time? He sighed; no time for makeup today. And what with those young, pretty teenage boys coming over and all. It was really too bad that Shuten was asleep and would most likely miss the whole thing.
Naaza and Anubis really didn't care about appearance. They were more concerned with how many weapons they could hide on their bodies. You just never knew. And if one of the Troopers happened to have a little 'accident'.
Rajura stopped by Shuten's room on his way to the audience room. Shuten was still asleep. Rajura saw the hickeys, the bruises, and the rope- burn around his wrists.Maybe he should have been a little gentler last night. He leaned down and kissed Shuten before he left.
The Masho glared at the Troopers. The Troopers glared back. Kaos glared at both sides. This was getting nowhere. They just hated each other too much to cooperate.
"About Yuli." Kaos began.
"Damn it!" Shu shouted." I am not going to work with them! Not even to remove Yuli!"
"Yes you will!" Kaos snapped.
Toma stood up. "Why are we trusting them anyway?"
"I can't work with someone who intentionally harms our animal friends!" Shin looked directly at Naaza. Naaza stuck his tongue out. "Shut up, you pansy."
"You're not human!"
"No shit Seiko." Naaza narrowed his reptilian eyes. "No shit."
"Hey!" Naste jumped up, "You killed my grandfather!"
Naaza nodded. Naste tackled him and began beating the crap out of him.
"YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER! YOU INHUMANE LITTLE BASTARD!"
Shin jumped in.
"Die, animal-killer!"
Anubis looked at Seiji. "I hate your lip-gloss."
"Nobody disses my lip-gloss!"
"I just did."
"Then you must die!"
"Oi! Gen Masho!"
Rajura turned around. "Yes?"
"I'm gonna kill you."
"Really now, Kongo. Fat slobs are rarely the victors."
Shu turned red. "I'm not fat."
"Oh. Just extremely obese?"
Shu grabbed Rajura by the throat and began to strangle him. Rajura tried to kick him, but Shu's fat protected him. The Gen Masho struggled to breathe.
"Look.Kongo.doughnuts."
Shu dropped him.
"Where?"
He turned to find that Rajura wasn't there anymore.
Ryo and Toma watched the others fight. Ryo pulled out a marker and hurriedly scribbled on his arm. Note to self: Never get Naste angry.
"Hey, Toma, where's Shuten at?"
"I don't know. You'd think he'd be here."
"Naste's pretty good at fighting."
"Yeah."
They watched as Naaza was flung across the room, right into a wall.
"She would be a great women's wrestler."
"Toma, most women wrestlers are supposed to be sexy."
"True."
Just then, Ryo received a kick in the head that sent him flying.
Ryo blinked. The room felt like it was spinning.
"Shuten?"
"I hate you, Rekka."
Kaos ran around the room, screaming at everybody to stop. He walloped people with his shakujo.
"EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP IT!"
"Shut up, old man!"
Arago came in the room. It suddenly became very quiet. The Masho all did their best to look sweet and innocent. They pointed at the Troopers.
"I think they'll listen now, Kaos."
Arago left.
Kaos cleared his throat. "We need to think of a plan to remove Yuli. Any suggestions? Yes, Shuten, what is it?"
"Why do you always wear that hat? We never see your eyes. I think that's pretty creepy."
The other Masho nodded in agreement.
"I hardly find that revelant, Shuten. Now as I was saying."
Naste was hit in the head with a paper airplane. She opened it and found a drawing of a stick figure dying. It was a very ugly female stick figure and at the bottom was the label, "Your Grandfather."
She flipped Naaza off. He smiled at her. Rajura looked at Shuten, who was purposely ignoring him. Anubis and Shuten were making faces behind Kaos's back. And everyone shared the same thought; this meeting is going nowhere.
Kaos began a lengthy explanation of his plan to remove Yuli. It was very complicated, very technical and involved large quantities of bananas and pastrami.
"So that's it. Now, what do you think." Kaos looked around. Everyone had fallen asleep during his boring spiel.
"WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOU PEOPLE!" Kaos screamed, dancing around the room like a madman. His yelling managed to wake up several of those present.
"Shut up, you old loony. Your plan sucked anyway."
Kaos's face began turning various shades of red. Then, miraculously, his head blew up. Little bits of him flew all over the room. Everyone cheered. Shuten continued to ignore Rajura. A dust bunny in the corner decided to eat some Guamish fettuccini.
The Gift That Nobody Ever Wanted
Seiji opened Naste's jeep to grab his beauty bag. Every morning, without fail, he would brush and gel his hair to perfection. Sometimes, depending on how much he slept the night before, he would even use a little base to mask those dark circles. A bit of eyeshadow couldn't hurt. And occasionally, he felt that his lips could use a little gloss. Yes, Seiji was one masculine warrior.
As he set the bag back down in its hiding place he noticed a package. It was meticulously wrapped and addressed simply to "The Irritating Little Troopers." Seiji smiled. At least it wasn't addressed to him. Irritating? Hmm.Well, they obviously must have meant Shu and Ryo.
"Naste, Ryo and Shu have a package here."
Naste looked at him. "Umm, Seiji? I don't recall having a package in my car for them."
" Naste, its right here."
She went over to look. "Well, that's definently a package."
"So what do we do with it?"
"Give it to them, of course."
"Ryo! Shu! You have a package!"
Ryo and Shu walked over to the jeep. Shu elbowed Ryo.
"Hope its doughnuts." "Are you always hungry?"
"It's not my fault."
Shu lifted the package and set it on the ground. Ryo carefully removed the wrapping paper. Shu removed the chain. Together they removed the many layers of duct-tape and opened the box.
AND YULI WAS FREE!
With a squeal of utmost delight, Yuli rushed over to Ryo and began frantically humping his leg as a sign of adoration.
"Ryo!"
Ryo shook his leg in panic but the thing would not let go.
"What the hell are you!"
Seiji looked closely at Yuli.
"He looks like a replica of Jun!"
"What!"
But it was true. Even Jun had to agree that the horny little bastard on Ryo's leg did look uncommonly like him. Freakishly like him.
"Somebody get it off! Get it off!"
Back in the Youjenkai, the Masho laughed their evil little asses off.
After about an hour, the Troopers managed to pry Yuli off Ryo's leg. They also managed to pry the note out of the thing's hands. Naste began reading it out loud.
To Rekka, Tenku, Korin, Seiko, and Kongo
Hope it gives you hell. Bet you wished you joined us when you had the chance.
Your worst enemies,
The Yon Masho
PS. Wasn't the wrapping paper just adorable? ^_^
Naste crumpled the note into a ball and threw it to the ground. The Troopers all looked at each other. They had to admit that this was the most evil thing the Masho had done yet. It was even worse than the murder of the professor.
"Damn," Ryo whispered. (Yuli had been beaten unconscious and he did not want to wake him up.) "What are we going to do?"
The Troopers shrugged. They needed a plan and they needed one fast.
The Masho were also in a quandary.
"But Master Arago, now that Yuli is in place we don't need to go fight them!"
"Silence! One of you must go destroy them while they are stunned by the presence of Yuli!"
"Yuli will destroy them without our help. We'll only get in the way."
"NO! I am going to give you all half an hour, you hear me, half an hour to decide who will go. And when I come back, you had better chosen someone!"
"Yes Master Arago."
Arago disappeared. The Masho went to Rajura's room because there was stuff to throw at each other in there.
"So who's going to go?"
There was a chorus of 'Not me.' Naaza chucked a lamp at Shuten. "Shuten, you always want to go. So go!" Shuten ducked. "With Yuli out there?! I think not!" A vase flew across the room.
"Someone just do it!"
"Yeah, why don't you!"
And it went on until Shuten thought of a wonderful way of persuasion. Shuten smiled and walked over to Rajura.
"Why don't you go and fight?"
"Because I don't have a death wish."
Rajura was painfully aware of how close Shuten was to him.
"Would you do it for me?"
"What?"
Shuten put his arms around his neck. "Would you do it for me?"
"I-I don't."
"You know you would."
Naaza and Anubis watched, fascinated. Shuten was doing one hell of a job. They knew that he would be able to "persuade" Rajura to do damn near anything. Both of them were silently cheering him on. They didn't want to be the ones who had to face Yuli Rajura edged back from Shuten. "You're not going to get me to go out there."
Shuten smiled. Wanna bet? I know I can get you to. "How much would it take to get you to?"
"I'm not going!"
Shuten sighed and turned his back on Rajura. Damn him! Do I need to take drastic measures? Wait, Yuli's out there. This does call for something drastic!
"Kso! We only have five minutes!"
"Aragosama will be pretty pissed."
"Why? Rajura's going to go."
The other three Masho stared at Shuten. Shuten smiled.
"Uh, Shuten I don't recall agreeing to this."
"Fine then. Let me refresh your memory."
Shuten kissed Rajura.
"If tonight I spend the night in your room and do whatever you want, then will you remember!"
Rajura nodded. Five minutes later, he was off to destroy the Samurai Troopers.
Shuten turned to the others.
"So, what do you think?"
"That was one hell of a performance, Shuten. One hell of a performance."
"Yeah, the poor bastard didn't have a chance."
Shuten laughed. "You two owe me big time." Somehow the night always seemed scarier when Yuli was around. Naste noticed a change in the Trooper's spirits. It was a lot harder for them to be happy now. Right then, they were discussing strategy.
"So, our goal is to get rid of Yuli."
"And defeat Arago!"
"Oh, right. That too. But our first priority is to remove Yuli."
The Troopers nodded.
"Any suggestions how?"
Silence. Shu pensively munched on a hamburger. Seiji brushed his hair. Toma solved a calculus problem. Byauken blinked. Lightning flashed dramatically and the Troopers heard the background music change to a very familiar tune.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MASHO
* GASP*
IT WAS NOT RAJURA!
* GASP*
IT WAS PRETTY BOY SHUTEN DOUJI!
Naste and Jun screamed and hid behind Ryo. Yuli ran and screamed too, but ran smack into Naste's frying pan. Naste smiled.
"Knew that thing would come in handy."
She continued to hide behind Ryo. The Troopers noticed Shuten shudder when he saw Yuli.
"Like your present?"
"No! And I'm going to."
"Look, I didn't come here to argue. I have to ask you a favor."
"What!"
"Just listen for a minute! Rajura is going to come here any second and it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you defeat him."
The Troopers blinked.
"Why."
"Just because! I don't care how you do it, but he can't return to the Youjenkai until after tonight."
"Why should we do anything for you!"
Shuten turned around. Because I'm beautiful and talented and drop- dead sexy.
"Because, Tenku, I know how to get rid of Yuli."
And with that, Shuten left.
The Troopers stood in shock.
The damn theme music started up again.
It was the Gen Masho. And if they defeated him, Yuli would be gone. Ryo looked at the others.
"We can't afford to loose this battle."
Everyone nodded. Yuli, having no idea what was going on, nodded too.
"Go Ryo!"
Its Ryo, not Rye-oh you little.
And with that, Ryo charged into battle.
Shuten and the others were cheering the Troopers on when they sensed someone was at the gates. A person whom they knew was definently not allowed in the Youjenkai.
Kaos continued to bang on the gate. He pounded at it for two straight hours when a very pissed-off Shuten appeared outside.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!"
Kaos sighed. Great, It just had to be Shuten. This is going to take forever.
"I need to speak to Arago."
"Too bad, shit licker."
"I didn't come to hurl obscenities, Shuten. I must speak to Arago.'
"That's Aragosama to you, you old."
"Did you not hear me, Shuten Douji? I HAVE TO SPEAK TO ARAGO!"
"Well, if you're just going to yell at me, I'm not even going to consider it."
Shuten disappeared. Kaos waited. And waited. He waited some more.
"Still out here?"
"Hmm, let me think about that for a minute."
Shuten laughed. "Aragosama said to let you in, old man. Oh, excuse me, Master Kaos."
Kaos resisted the urge to punch him and entered the Youjenkai. Shuten went back to fervently praying that Rajura would loose.
"Why have you come here, Kaos?"
"Everything is wrong!"
"What?"
"Everything! This is not supposed to happen!"
"Explain yourself!"
Kaos pulled out the script. "There is no mention of Yuli in here. He doesn't belong here and he's screwing up the whole plot! He might even change the whole outcome of the story!"
"And?"
"And we may still have the power to prevent this. The first step is to remove Yuli. To do this we must, I repeat must, combine forces."
Arago laughed. "You think I'm stupid don't you?"
You want me to answer that? "Of course not."
Arago pondered for a while.
"Remember, Arago, this is Yuli we're talking about."
"I'll do it, Kaos, but only because its Yuli."
"I understand. Oh, and you should call back Rajura before the Troopers kill him. You really chose some pathetic men, but anyways.You speak to them and I'll speak with the Troopers."
"Alright. You can leave now, Kaos."
Shuten slumped down to the floor. He had eavesdropped through the whole thing. Combine forces with THEM! And calling Rajura back.calling Rajura back? Oh, shit. This is not good, not good at all.
"What do you mean Kaos? Join forces with them? They're the whole reason Yuli is here in the first place." "Not to mention they're evil." "And that they'd as soon kill us than help us out." Kaos folded his hands and regarded all the Troopers sternly. "Against Yuli we are all united." The Troopers agreed that Kaos did have a point. With their help, they might remove Yuli once and for all. And didn't Shuten say that he knew how to get rid of Yuli? "Sorry, Kaos. We understand now."
The meeting was interrupted by a scream from Naste.
"What is it? Are you all right?" The Troopers rushed over to her.
"It's gone! Yuli is gone!"
"WHAT!"
Naste shrugged. "I just looked over and he wasn't there anymore! I searched all over and I found this."
The Troopers picked up the note. Naste scanned it and translated it into Japanese on her computer.
U Guys is mean. I'm gonna run away. Bye.
Love Yuli.
The Troopers' initial feelings were that of joy. Yuli was gone! But soon they realized that it was loose in the world, free to commit all sorts of evils. It suddenly didn't sound like such a good thing anymore. Ryo broke the silence.
"We have to find Yuli. Who's going to go?"
Shin sneezed. "I think feel a cold coming on."
Shin groaned. "I, uh, broke my leg."
Toma coughed. "I've contracted Ebola."
Ryo rolled his eyes and looked at Seiji. "And you?"
"Overexposure to Yuli will give me severe internal bleeding."
Ryo sighed. "Well, this could take a while."
"We're joining the Troopers to get rid of Yuli."
"But Master Arago!"
"No buts! Deal with it!"
And with that, Arago left. The Masho flipped him off.
"Hey, where's Shuten?"
"I don't know. Probably hiding from you."
Rajura shrugged. "His fault. He didn't have to bargain with me. I really need to find him, though. Backing out was not an option."
"I think he hoped the Troopers would kill you."
Rajura laughed and went to go find Shuten.
Shuten was, as the other two had speculated, hiding from Rajura. He did not particularly relish the idea of spending the night with Rajura especially as he knew of his obsession with bondage and whipped cream.
You are so stupid Shuten! Why the hell did you trade yourself for protection against Yuli?
Well, it was Yuli.
Even so, you're in big trouble.
I'll hide.
For a whole night?
Yes! Now shut up!
Shuten gingerly crawled along the roof. It was raining and the roof was slippery. Only a true idiot would even attempt to climb on it. And Shuten was indeed one desperate idiot. However, he soon realized that he needed to go back inside or catch hypothermia and die. He slid through one of the windows into Naaza's room.
"Rajura's looking for you."
"I kind of already know that."
"He'll find you and when he does." Naaza paused to let it sink in, "Have loads of fun."
"I hate you."
"Then get out of my room. I'm not going to hide you."
Shuten left and began quietly making his way down the hall.
Yuli was lonely. He had replenished his stock of Band-Aids and wanted to get back to the Troopers. He also wasn't mad at them anymore. Yuli pulled out a picture of Ryo. He lowered his head to the picture. "Well, Ryo, which way?" "Okay, that way. Thanks Ryo!" Yuli skipped away, tripped, and landed face-first in a pile of doggie doo.
Shuten was hiding in Rajura's room. To most, that would appear to be a very stupid idea but Shuten reasoned that as Rajura was trying to bring him here, it would be the last place he'd look. Of course, he was wrong. Rajura smiled sweetly at Shuten. "I win." Shuten scanned the room desperately for a weapon, any weapon. "Uh, I think I shouldn't be here right now." Rajura locked the door. Shuten turned pale. "Okay, I'm sure I shouldn't be here right now."
"Too bad. You promised, Shuten."
"And I have a feeling that I'll be regretting it very soon."
"Oh, don't look at it in such a negative way."
"Rape isn't negative?"
"It doesn't have to be rape, you know. And quit trying to talk your way out of this. It won't work."
And Shuten knew that not even the Almighty Potato King could save him.
The next day.
Yuli blew his nose on his Ryo doll. "Well, Ryo, I think we're lost."
Yuli knew there was only one thing to do; bawl. And boy did he ever.
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M LOST AND ALONE AND HUNGRY AND I GOT DOGGIE POOP ON MY FACE!"
The picture of Ryo stayed silent.
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY BINKY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH RYO!"
Yuli blinked. That was unexpected.
"Well, I do. So there!" he yelled to no one in particular.
"Hey, Anubis, you seen Shuten?"
"Nope. Its kind of hard to see someone when they've barricaded themselves in their room."
"Oh. And Rajura?"
"Asleep."
"Okay."
Naaza went down the hall and knocked on Shuten's door.
"You alive?"
"No. Go away."
"You sure?"
"Yes! Now go away!"
"Are you sure you're sure?"
There was silence. Naaza tried the door handle. Locked. He shrugged and kicked the door down. Shuten was on his bed, curled up in an abject ball of misery. He glared at Naaza, then buried his face in his pillows.
"I told you to go away."
"So?"
"So you should."
"Why?"
"Go fuck Yuli!"
"At least I didn't screw Rajura."
That did it. Shuten punched Naaza in the face.
"Why you-Hey, are you crying Shuten?"
"N-no!"
"Are you sure?"
Shuten attempted to say yes, but his lip was quivering. He nodded instead.
"Liar."
Shuten nodded again, like the little overemotional sissy he was.
Rajura, unlike Shuten, was having a great day. At that moment, he was playing with dolls.
"Like, hi Courtney! This mall is totally rad."
"Like, no duh. Barbie, this is like, so cool."
"Like, have you seen Ken?"
"Yeah, he is like, so hot!"
"Totally! And like, Tommy is so fine."
And so on and so forth. Rajura had an unhealthy love of Barbie dolls. However, he often wrote to Mattel complaining about Ken. Try as he might, Ken would never fit into Barbie's clothes. Ken's clothes were always so, so masculine. Mattel needed to produce a line of women's clothes for Ken, along with a boyfriend. And Rajura would not rest until that day came.
After an hour or so, he got bored and went to go find Shuten.
Arago summoned the Masho.
"You are to meet with the Troopers."
Arago paused. Weren't there four Masho?
"Where's Shuten?"
"Uh, he's sick."
Rajura looked questioningly at Naaza.
"Just go along with it!" Naaza hissed.
"Yeah, he's sick."
"With what?"
"Poliomyelitis."
"Bubonic plague."
"Mad cow disease."
The three Masho looked at each other. Arago did not appear convinced.
Arago's eyes glowed, "Is he really sick?"
"Yes. He threw up about six times."
"Uh-huh. And he's delirious; been talking about Amish fruit bats destroying the paper towel industry."
"Well, my dear Masho, the Troopers are coming here in an hour to discuss Yuli. That's really all. Oh, and one of you needs to keep an eye on Shuten. He is my favorite, you know."
And with that Arago left.
"That was close."
"Tell me about it. Oh, and Naaza, is Shuten really sick?"
"Not exactly. More like drugged."
"What?"
" I was just being nice! He's all depressed about, you know, about last night. He was crying and I made him feel better. Better than him having a mental breakdown."
"What'd you give him?"
"Nothing dangerous."
"Oh, I feel so reassured."
"Well, Rajura, it is mostly your fault."
"Is not!"
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!
"IS TOO! IS TOO! IS TOO!"
Rajura left the room before all his dignity went down the toilet. After all, didn't Master Arago say that someone needed to check on Shuten?
The Troopers were scrambling to get ready in time.
"We only have forty-five minutes left!" Naste screamed as she ran a hairbrush through her hair.
Shu wore a muscle T-shirt and jeans. He looked very masculine and intimidating, or so he thought. In all reality, he looked like a fat slob.
Seiji was putting his makeup on. He put on some sour apple lip-gloss because it takes a true man to put up with that mouth-puckering flavor. Some mascara to attract attention to his eyes and then he began the task of selecting the perfect outfit.
"Toma! Do these pants make my butt look big?"
"Of course not. But I suggest you use the peach-colored blush; it brings out your natural beauty more than the kind you have on now."
Toma was dressed normal, but he was wearing his glasses. He figured that he need to look very intelligent in front of the Masho. Plus, Seiji said they brought out his eyes.
Shin wore a Save The Whales T-shirt and his lucky Save The Grasshopper underwear. He also pulled on his Save The Fish socks and his Amoebas Have Feelings Too jacket. Jun wore the same putrid outfit he did everyday. Ryo also didn't do anything special, but he walked around worrying.
We can't wear our armor and we're going to face our sworn enemies? Somehow, this just doesn't seem right.
The forty-five minutes were soon up and they all hopped in Naste's jeep. Somehow, defying all reason, they all fit. Naste started up the engine and sped recklessly toward the Netherworld gates.
Rajura brushed his hair, all the while cursing that Master Arago had given them only an hour's notice. How was he supposed to get ready in time? He sighed; no time for makeup today. And what with those young, pretty teenage boys coming over and all. It was really too bad that Shuten was asleep and would most likely miss the whole thing.
Naaza and Anubis really didn't care about appearance. They were more concerned with how many weapons they could hide on their bodies. You just never knew. And if one of the Troopers happened to have a little 'accident'.
Rajura stopped by Shuten's room on his way to the audience room. Shuten was still asleep. Rajura saw the hickeys, the bruises, and the rope- burn around his wrists.Maybe he should have been a little gentler last night. He leaned down and kissed Shuten before he left.
The Masho glared at the Troopers. The Troopers glared back. Kaos glared at both sides. This was getting nowhere. They just hated each other too much to cooperate.
"About Yuli." Kaos began.
"Damn it!" Shu shouted." I am not going to work with them! Not even to remove Yuli!"
"Yes you will!" Kaos snapped.
Toma stood up. "Why are we trusting them anyway?"
"I can't work with someone who intentionally harms our animal friends!" Shin looked directly at Naaza. Naaza stuck his tongue out. "Shut up, you pansy."
"You're not human!"
"No shit Seiko." Naaza narrowed his reptilian eyes. "No shit."
"Hey!" Naste jumped up, "You killed my grandfather!"
Naaza nodded. Naste tackled him and began beating the crap out of him.
"YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER! YOU INHUMANE LITTLE BASTARD!"
Shin jumped in.
"Die, animal-killer!"
Anubis looked at Seiji. "I hate your lip-gloss."
"Nobody disses my lip-gloss!"
"I just did."
"Then you must die!"
"Oi! Gen Masho!"
Rajura turned around. "Yes?"
"I'm gonna kill you."
"Really now, Kongo. Fat slobs are rarely the victors."
Shu turned red. "I'm not fat."
"Oh. Just extremely obese?"
Shu grabbed Rajura by the throat and began to strangle him. Rajura tried to kick him, but Shu's fat protected him. The Gen Masho struggled to breathe.
"Look.Kongo.doughnuts."
Shu dropped him.
"Where?"
He turned to find that Rajura wasn't there anymore.
Ryo and Toma watched the others fight. Ryo pulled out a marker and hurriedly scribbled on his arm. Note to self: Never get Naste angry.
"Hey, Toma, where's Shuten at?"
"I don't know. You'd think he'd be here."
"Naste's pretty good at fighting."
"Yeah."
They watched as Naaza was flung across the room, right into a wall.
"She would be a great women's wrestler."
"Toma, most women wrestlers are supposed to be sexy."
"True."
Just then, Ryo received a kick in the head that sent him flying.
Ryo blinked. The room felt like it was spinning.
"Shuten?"
"I hate you, Rekka."
Kaos ran around the room, screaming at everybody to stop. He walloped people with his shakujo.
"EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP IT!"
"Shut up, old man!"
Arago came in the room. It suddenly became very quiet. The Masho all did their best to look sweet and innocent. They pointed at the Troopers.
"I think they'll listen now, Kaos."
Arago left.
Kaos cleared his throat. "We need to think of a plan to remove Yuli. Any suggestions? Yes, Shuten, what is it?"
"Why do you always wear that hat? We never see your eyes. I think that's pretty creepy."
The other Masho nodded in agreement.
"I hardly find that revelant, Shuten. Now as I was saying."
Naste was hit in the head with a paper airplane. She opened it and found a drawing of a stick figure dying. It was a very ugly female stick figure and at the bottom was the label, "Your Grandfather."
She flipped Naaza off. He smiled at her. Rajura looked at Shuten, who was purposely ignoring him. Anubis and Shuten were making faces behind Kaos's back. And everyone shared the same thought; this meeting is going nowhere.
Kaos began a lengthy explanation of his plan to remove Yuli. It was very complicated, very technical and involved large quantities of bananas and pastrami.
"So that's it. Now, what do you think." Kaos looked around. Everyone had fallen asleep during his boring spiel.
"WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOU PEOPLE!" Kaos screamed, dancing around the room like a madman. His yelling managed to wake up several of those present.
"Shut up, you old loony. Your plan sucked anyway."
Kaos's face began turning various shades of red. Then, miraculously, his head blew up. Little bits of him flew all over the room. Everyone cheered. Shuten continued to ignore Rajura. A dust bunny in the corner decided to eat some Guamish fettuccini.
