Chapter 4
Everything Gets A Wee Bit Stranger

The Troopers decided to adjourn the meeting. That night they elected to stay in the Youjenkai. The Masho agreed on the condition that Naste cleaned the bits of Kaos off the furniture and that Jun slept outside.

Rajura snuck down the hall towards Shuten's room. He was going to (cough, cough) apologize to Shuten. On his way, however, he ran into Naaza.
"What are you doing up?"
"Nothing," Rajura said sweetly, "Nothing at all."
"You're not trying to sneak into Shuten's room, are you?"
"No, of course not. And what are you doing"
Naaza smiled. "Just slipping some arsenic into the coffee pot."
"None of us like coffee."
"Shin, Toma, and Ryo do. And Shu will eat or drink just about anything."
"True..."
Rajura shivered as Naaza left. He was glad he didn't drink coffee.

"Shuten, you awake?" Rajura opened the door.
"Yes! And stay out of my room, pervert!"
"Shuten, I'm sorry. I really am..."
"Liar."
"True, but it's the thought that counts."
"Get out of my room."
"But,"
"NOW!"
A lamp shattered above Rajura's head.
"Missed me."
"Like I couldn't notice that myself! Get the hell out of my room!"
Rajura walked across the room, dodging the various items that Shuten threw at him.
"Go away!"
Rajura sat on the bed next to Shuten. Shuten backed as far away from him as he could. Rajura poked him in the arm and Shuten screamed. The Gen Masho smiled.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Shuten."
A pause.
"I think."
"Oh, how very comforting."
"I sense some hard feelings."
"I sense that a certain person's face will get bashed in unless they get their ass out of my room."
"Well, somebody's in a bitchy mood."
"I have every right to be. Get out of my room!"
"But..."
"Rajura, I have in my possession one of your beloved Barbie dolls. You leave now or Like Totally Liz gets it."
"You wouldn't!" "I would, too." Rajura left.

Shu was starving. He was normally hungry, but this was more than he could handle. Shu was pretty sure the Masho wouldn't want him snooping around their house, so he moved very stealthily to find the kitchen. And it worked. Everyone who was awake just thought a young elephant was wandering around the castle. Its footsteps were too light to be Shu's. "Hey! Coffee!" Shu loved coffee, especially at one in the morning. And strangely, nobody found this odd. He drained the whole coffeepot and belched. "That was great." Shu then proceeded to empty the refrigerator and the pantry. Unfortunately, he also emptied the medicine cabinet and Naaza's extensive collection of poisons. "Woah. That last bit had a real bite to it."

After further searching revealed no more food, Shu was forced to start gnawing on the furniture. "My poisons..." Naaza happened to be hiding behind the staircase and witnessed the whole thing. "He ate the food, the furniture, and all my poisons." Normally, Naaza would have ran out into the kitchen and beaten the crap out of whoever did that, but it was Shu out there. Naaza wouldn't have put it past Shu to eat him too. And he did not particularly relish the idea of being eaten. He went back up the staircase and knocked on Shuten's door. "Hey kid, you've gotta come out into the kitchen." "Why?" "You're needed." There was silence. "By the way, Shuten, Rajura isn't out there." "Okay, be out in a second."
There was the sound of roughly twenty locks being opened. Shuten peeked out. Naaza noticed that he looked very tired and pale.
Hmm...maybe I shouldn't lead him to go get eaten by Shu. But it would be so funny! Yeah it would... Remember, Naaza, he deserves it... Okay...
"Naaza, do I have to go?"

"Yeah."
Shuten followed Naaza towards the kitchen.

"He ate the furniture."
"Yep."
They watched as Shu began eating the floor itself.
"Naaza?"
"Yeah?"
"As I am your superior, I order you to go out and fight that thing."
"I don't want to fight it!"
"You think I do? I have some sense of self-preservation. And besides, you owe me from that whole Rajura business."
"Alright."
Shuten left. Naaza climbed back up the stairs and knocked on Anubis's door.
"Hey, Anubis! You have to go down to the kitchen right now."
"Why?"
"Master Arago's orders."
"Oh."
Anubis went down to the kitchen. Naaza went back to his room.

"Toma!"
"What is it, Seiji?"
"There's something bad going on in the kitchen."
"And?"
"And we should go down there."
"The conflict will resolve itself, regardless of if we go down or not. We might even draw it out."
"That's exactly my point, Toma. We could draw out the fight."
"Oh, if you really want to, Seiji..."
"I do."
"Let's go."

"Get the hell out of our kitchen!"

Shu turned toward Anubis, his mouth full of cabinet.
"Mmmmfff srym E jst gthngy sm..."
Anubis looked blankly at him. Shu swallowed.
"Well, I just get really hungry sometimes. Really, really, uncontrollably hungry."
"That's still no excuse for destroying the whole freaking kitchen!"
"You guys deserve it. I destroyed only your kitchen, with a good reason I might add. You people destroyed the whole city and it wasn't for survival purposes."
"Look, fatty. The point is that you ruined our kitchen."
"I was hungry!"
"With all the fat you have on that body, you shouldn't be hungry for a few decades yet!"
"You little...!"
And that is how the Battle of the Ruined Kitchen began. It was not a famous battle but it sure was one hell of a battle. It also managed to wake up everyone in the Youjenkai, including Naste Yagyu. Everyone apart from Naaza and Shuten was involved by the time she made it down the stairs.
"Would you all SHUT UP!" Naste screamed from the head of the stairs. Everyone turned around and froze in horror.
"Your face..." Ryo began, but the shock of what he was seeing choked up his throat. And believe me, the sight was gruesome. Naste had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was sagging. Most of this was, however, masked by a lime green facial mask. Her hair formed a tangled halo around her head and her eyes were tinged with red. She growled. Everyone whimpered.
"I, uh, think I lost my appetite," Shu said. (This marked the first time in history that Shu had never been hungry.)
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Rajura ran out of the room.
"Me too!" Seiji ran as fast as his girlish legs allowed him.
"Wait for me, Seiji!" Toma hurried after him.
The few remaining in the room muttered excuses and also exited posthaste. Naste stomped back to her room.
"I hate men."

Shu wasn't feeling too good. He decided it must have been something he ate, but he couldn't think of anything he ate that would give him such an awful stomachache.
Now what did I eat today? Oh, yeah, two chickens, five pizzas, twenty Big Macs, five plates of macaroni and cheese, some eggrolls, a refrigerator, a chandelier, some poison...some poison? Aw, crap, I probably shouldn't have drank that...
Shu ran to the nearest window and began to puke his guts out. It took several hours to empty the contents of his stomach.
Maybe I should diet...nah... that's no fun.

Yuli was scared. Normally, the night alone was scary enough to make him pee his pants, but this night he came to the horrible realization that...
"I don't think I'm in Japan anymore."
Yuli looked around. It was cold here and his feet, even with tennis shoes, were turning blue. He pulled out his Ryo plushie.
"Gee, Ryo, if we're not in Japan anymore, where are we?"

The plushie maintained its stony silence. However, as if it was a message from God, a sign appeared. Yuli made out "Vancouver, Canada." He noticed a small, dilapidated building within walking distance.
"Hmm. I wonder if I can get directions back to Tokyo or, even better, Toyama. Maybe they'll at least let me use their phone."
Yuli began walking towards the creepy building, ignoring all the "Turn Back" and "Caution: Do Not Enter" signs. He blew his nose nervously on his sleeve and pushed open the door, ignoring the most terrifying sign yet. For yes, if Yuli had read the paper on the door he would have realized he was entering Ocean View Studios.

"Blarf..."
Shu continued throwing up. After all, he did have a lot in his stomach to hurl.

MOO! MEOW! PWTOING! FREEOW! POP, FIZZ, SHWING! The author bounced around her room in a desperate search for her muse. WEEOING! POTATO, OH POTATO! In an attempt to shut her up, the muse came back and it was promptly stuffed inside her bra. Hey, you gotta keep that muse close to you, you know. She continued her pathetic narration of this pathetic narrative.

"Hey, anybody here?"
Yuli peered around a corner. This place was strange, Yuli had to admit. It was full of microphones, scripts, and headsets. He came upon yet another sign, which he read.

DO NOT FEED THE VOICE ACTORS

"Voice actor? What's that?"
And without a second glance, Yuli entered Ocean View Studies, home of the one (and thankfully only) Paul Spencer Dobson.

It was one in the morning when Shuten came out of his room. He went down to examine what was left of the kitchen. Luckily, Shu hadn't found the secret pantry where Shuten stashed everything he didn't want the others to eat. He was pretty sure that he could live for weeks on this stash and not have to go out of his room as often. Then, he surmised, Rajura would never get him. Shuten was just about to start up to his room when he heard a knock on the door.
Who'd be out there at this time of the morning? And how did they get through the gate? Shuten opened the door and peered out. "Uh, hello. Is anyone out there?"
"Well, duh, somebody had to have been here to knock." Shuten eyed the person at the door warily. "If you're a salesperson, we don't want anything, thanks." He moved to close, or rather, slam the door. "I'm not a salesperson, stupid." "Oh, well I don't particularly feel like being converted now." "I'm not a missionary." "Then who are you? And what do you want with the Youjenkai?" "Let me come in and I'll explain myself. In case you haven't realized it, it's raining. A little lacking with manners, aren't you, Shuten." "How do you know my name?"

"It's raining!" "Tell me first!" "No!" "Then you're not coming in!"

"Then you won't know how I know you!" His curiosity took over. "Oh, well, I guess you can come in, as long as you're sure you aren't a salesperson or missionary or the likes." "I'm sure." Shuten let the non-missionary/salesperson guy in. He knew he looked familiar, but who was he? Shuten sat down on a couch in the living room; the other man did also. "So, spill it. How do you know me? I sure as heck don't remember you." "I've known you for a long time, Koma Toshitada." Crap! How'd he know my name! Better lie... "Toshitada...who's that?" "You." Shuten shook his head. "You're wrong." "Okay, let me prove it. You were born on May 5th. You hate natto and pretty much every vegetable known to man. Let's see, what else? Oh, you were born just outside of Kyoto." "Stalker! You probably just asked someone to tell you, you don't really know me!" "On your fifth birthday, you hid in the kitchen with all the rice dumplings and ate so much you puked. You brush your hair a hundred strokes every morning and every night. You led armies at the age of thirteen, and when you were twelve you began secretly dressing in drag. And when you were three, your Great Aunt Aya-" "How do you know this!" "I said, Toshitada, that I've known you for a long, long time." "Alright, you've proved you know me. But who are you?"

The man just looked at him. Shuten noticed that he had very nice hair. It looked almost like he brushed it a hundred strokes everyday... The man continued to stare. "You haven't been able to guess?" "Nope." "I'm beginning to understand a lot of things. Starting with why you've worked for Arago for over four hundred years..." "And what's that supposed to mean?" "Nevermind. But anyway, you're sure you have no idea who I am?" "I've been saying that for the past five minutes!" "Seven." "What!" "You've been saying that for the past seven minutes, stupid." "Crap, you're so annoying! And you're so damn familiar! The face, the hair, the I'm-better-than-you attitude!" "You're going to feel so stupid when you figure it out..." Shuten suppressed the urge to pummel him. Think, Shuten, think! Who is he? He's known you from when you were little but he's still alive today; that should narrow it down a bit... "I need another hint." "Here's a good one; I know you like Rajura..." Shuten froze. "B-but...I..." The man smiled, "Don't deny it, I know." "But the only person who knows that is me!" "Exactly! I knew I was somewhat intelligent!" "Are you like Yuli is to Jun? Then you're...Anubis?" "No. And never, ever compare me to Yuli." "I don't understand." "Ghosts aren't confined to any time." "You're, I mean, I'm dead?" "I'm attempting to prevent it now, but yes. You die." "How?"

At this point in time, the narrator thought it would be wise to check up on Yuli. Well, maybe wise wasn't the word for it but she needed to throw some action into her story and find someway to end this incredibly long dialogue between Shuten and um, Shuten.

Paul Dobson spotted the Yuli before he spotted him. "Hey, kid. Whadda you say to letting me out?" Yuli spun around. This guy wasn't speaking Canadianish! Maybe he could help him get back home. "Uh, who are you?" "The coolest guy around. The smart, good-looking, exceptionally beautiful, PAUL SPENCER DOBSON!" This bit of dialogue was accompanied by a strange dance routine that tended to remind people of the Ginyu Force. Yuli blinked. "Uh, Mr.Dobson, can you help me get back to Toyama?" "Cut out the Mister crap. Call me Paul. And what's a Toyama?" "It's where I live. And Talpa is trying to take over the world and Ryo needs my help to save the world and I really, really need to get back." Paul froze. This sounded freakishly familiar. "Uh, Talpa?" "He's an evil floating head dude. He's got some Warlords and some soldiers." Talpa, Talpa, Where have I heard that before? "Paul?"

"Yeah?" "Can you help me get back if I let you out?" "Well, I have a voice-acting job I'm working on, but I only have one more episode to dub. It's stupid cuz I just have two more lines. See, my character's dead." "Oh. What show are you dubbing?" "The Ronin Warriors."

"And know what else, they don't even care! They just leave me lying there. I mean, is it too much to ask for a proper burial? And the only one who even cries is Jun." "Wait, Jun as in the Jun/Yuli kid?" Shuten nodded. "So let me get this straight. I turn traitor, die saving some psycho- possessed girl who wants to kill me, and nobody cries? Nobody?" "Well, you could put it that way. And, yes, to my knowledge Jun is the only one who cries. (Not including the fangirls.)" "Not even Rajura?" "No." "Anubis?" "No." "Naaza?" "Come on, Shuten, did you really need to ask that question?" "I'll take that as a no. So basically all I need to do is kill this Kayura chick?" "Don't get saved by Kaos. Oh, and you better watch out for the Youja too. And beware of Bandamon." "Well, Kaos is kind of dead." "Dead? And Arago hasn't tried to harm you yet?" "No." They both fell silent. "Well, the story line seems to have been screwed up pretty bad. We just might live. Its funny, but I fell like somewhere there's a deranged otaku on a computer controlling our every move." "That's a pretty stupid idea, even for me." "Yeah, I guess so. Take care of yourself, okay? I don't want anything to happen to me." "You're leaving?" "The sun is up in one hour. I have to." "So ghosts disappear in light like in those cheesy horror films?" "No, but I don't want any tan lines. I prefer my skin to be one solid color, you should know that." It took five minutes after he left for Shuten to realize that ghosts can't get tan lines. It's really too bad I can't tell myself that.

Yuli unlocked Paul's cage. "Did you say the 'Ronin Warriors?" "Yeah. It's about this pink and blue floating head that's trying to take over the world. He's got four Warlords and the hero's this feminine boy with a black mullet. Name's Ryo, something like that." "Ryo?! Paul, is there anyway I can get transported into the tv?" "I don't think so, but after a couple of beers I can be persuaded to test that theory for you, kid." "Umm...no thanks." "So why exactly do you need to get transported into the tv?"
Yuli thoughtfully picked his nose.
"Well, it all started when I went with my daddy and mommy to buy a skateboard. That's when I met my soulmate..."

Arago was usually never worried. However, this Yuli business was really screwing things up. For one, Kaos was dead. That wasn't supposed to happen yet. And Kaos had mentioned that other things were going horribly wrong. This was time for something drastic.
"I must summon Kayura and Bandamon."
(Arago usually talked out loud to himself instead of thinking quietly.)
"This is too big a job for my Masho. I must draw upon the very powers of the Youjenkai to track down and kill this Yuli creature."
Arago's eyes glowed. As he was just a floating head, he could only shown menace by making his eye sockets glow.
"Masho!"
Four very unhappy Masho appeared.
"Master Arago, where you aware that its only 5:30 in the morning?"
"Yes, Anubis, I was."
"Oh."
"It has come to my attention that- Shuten are you awake?"
"No, not really."
"Well, I command you to be awake and listen."
"For how long?"
"Five minutes."
"Okay. I'll try."
"It has come to my attention that you all need some help. In light of this, I have summoned the leader of the Youja, Bandamon. And I have also brought my top fighter Kayura to assist with removing Yuli."

"Hey! I thought I was the top fighter!"
Naaza snorted. "Oh, so now you're awake."
Arago's eyes glowed again. "Shut up!"
"Yeah, Naaza, shut up."
"He was referring to you, dipshit."
"AS I WAS SAYING..."
They promptly shut up.
"Kayura!" The four Masho waited apprehensively for this Kayura person to appear.

Seiji woke up early to put on his make up. That night ranked around one of his worst. Seeing Naste in that horrible facial mask, looking at what Shu had done to the kitchen, not being able to have sex with Toma because they were at someone else's house...the list went on and on.
"Seiji, where are you going?"
Seiji shook his beauty bag.
"Oh, okay."
Toma rolled over and fell back asleep.

Simone munched on her poptart and continued typing.