Chapter Nine
So, here I am. In two or three days, this little apartment in Houston will no longer be my house. I can't tell what time it is, but I can sense it's late. Probably I will stay up all night waiting, waiting, wanting...
Mom died 4 years ago. Dad died 4 days ago. And Soda, well, he still can't understand that if I hurt him, it wasn't on purpose at all... it would be so much easier if he could just understand that I had no choice.
As soon as I got here, 4 years ago, I called him. We would never come to the phone. I talked to his parents, his brothers, I talked to Two bit, to Steve and even to Dally! Everybody understood my situation, except for him. They all answered my letters but him. Everytime one of my letters to him returned I felt like banging my head against the wall. I was suffering and, eventually, I decided to stop writing him for good.
Until eight months ago, when his parents died in a car crash. It was Two bit's mother that wrote me about it, since our phone had already been disconnected. I spent a week asking myself why. Why so much pain, God, why? I thought about Darry, I knew he was going to suffer bad since he weren't good about getting things off his chest. Also, I was sure that Ponyboy would jump in a state of permanent aloofness. And Soda, oh God, his violent emotions could end up killing him.
I received Mrs. Matthews letter and decided to run to Tulsa in that very moment. But in the next minute, I heard dad in the kitchen, coughing real hard. I couldn't leave him, his lungs were getting worse. What if something happened and I wasn't there for him?
I couldn't go, and I knew Soda would hate me even more for that. Besides, I had talked to Lisa a few months ago and she had told me Soda and Sandy Kane were going out together. Yeah, I would have to leave her help him, because I really couldn't.
Darry and Pony understood me quite well, they knew what I was going through and also knew that, if I could choose, I would have chosen being with them. I just asked him a favor, I was going to write Soda a letter and asked Pony please to make him read it. Just once, and I would be satisfied.
"Dear Sodapop,
Mrs. Matthews told me about everything that has happened. I wanted to be with you there, so bad it even hurts. I know I was supposed to be there. Its not my right to blame you if you're angry at me, I know that you're right and I'm writing this letter to beg for your pardon.
Father is getting worse lately. I've been skipping work a lot and, when I manage to go, I just keep worrying all the time. This is the reason why I can't be there by your side. But my heart is with you since that afternoon in the farm. I hope Two bit has handed you my message, I feel like it now, I hope you're really saving a kiss for me. Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't forget I've lost my mother too. I've cried and I was afraid. But think about it all. Think about them, how they would like you to handle this. You're almost a copy of your father, so do like he would. Take care of your brothers because you're the bond that attaches them. I'm sure your parents were proud of that.
I wanted to be there. But I just can't...
Love ya very much,
Susie"
I wasn't expecting any answer. Probably for the best, of course I knew it wouldn't come.
So, here I am. In two or three days, this little apartment in Houston will no longer be my house. I can't tell what time it is, but I can sense it's late. Probably I will stay up all night waiting, waiting, wanting...
Mom died 4 years ago. Dad died 4 days ago. And Soda, well, he still can't understand that if I hurt him, it wasn't on purpose at all... it would be so much easier if he could just understand that I had no choice.
As soon as I got here, 4 years ago, I called him. We would never come to the phone. I talked to his parents, his brothers, I talked to Two bit, to Steve and even to Dally! Everybody understood my situation, except for him. They all answered my letters but him. Everytime one of my letters to him returned I felt like banging my head against the wall. I was suffering and, eventually, I decided to stop writing him for good.
Until eight months ago, when his parents died in a car crash. It was Two bit's mother that wrote me about it, since our phone had already been disconnected. I spent a week asking myself why. Why so much pain, God, why? I thought about Darry, I knew he was going to suffer bad since he weren't good about getting things off his chest. Also, I was sure that Ponyboy would jump in a state of permanent aloofness. And Soda, oh God, his violent emotions could end up killing him.
I received Mrs. Matthews letter and decided to run to Tulsa in that very moment. But in the next minute, I heard dad in the kitchen, coughing real hard. I couldn't leave him, his lungs were getting worse. What if something happened and I wasn't there for him?
I couldn't go, and I knew Soda would hate me even more for that. Besides, I had talked to Lisa a few months ago and she had told me Soda and Sandy Kane were going out together. Yeah, I would have to leave her help him, because I really couldn't.
Darry and Pony understood me quite well, they knew what I was going through and also knew that, if I could choose, I would have chosen being with them. I just asked him a favor, I was going to write Soda a letter and asked Pony please to make him read it. Just once, and I would be satisfied.
"Dear Sodapop,
Mrs. Matthews told me about everything that has happened. I wanted to be with you there, so bad it even hurts. I know I was supposed to be there. Its not my right to blame you if you're angry at me, I know that you're right and I'm writing this letter to beg for your pardon.
Father is getting worse lately. I've been skipping work a lot and, when I manage to go, I just keep worrying all the time. This is the reason why I can't be there by your side. But my heart is with you since that afternoon in the farm. I hope Two bit has handed you my message, I feel like it now, I hope you're really saving a kiss for me. Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't forget I've lost my mother too. I've cried and I was afraid. But think about it all. Think about them, how they would like you to handle this. You're almost a copy of your father, so do like he would. Take care of your brothers because you're the bond that attaches them. I'm sure your parents were proud of that.
I wanted to be there. But I just can't...
Love ya very much,
Susie"
I wasn't expecting any answer. Probably for the best, of course I knew it wouldn't come.
