She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go I'm never lonely
With her along
Who could be lonely
***
More because he was used to it than it was necessary Ranma wiped the back of
his hand over his forehead. His skin was dry. Sighing dramatically he rolled
with his eyes and with his foot rolled Kuno to his side. Pensively he looked
down at the passed out upperclassman. "Ya just won't get it, will
ya?" he whispered with a headshake. "But ya really should know by now."
He snorted and turned away from him, slightly raising his voice. "Fights
with you are nothin' but a major waste of time. You're not half a challenge nemore."
He shoved his hands in his pockets while heading back to the Tendou Dojo. The ride on the trailer of the pick-up was so long and dull that he wanted to walk around a bit as soon as they reached Nerima. But of course his ever so chaotic life wouldn't allow him a calm and peaceful evening. Mousse and Kuno seemed to have hidden some sort of radio direction finder at his clothes since it didn't really matter where he went, he would just always run into them. And then they would challenge him to their oh so serious life-and-death struggles. No need to mention that he won all of those so-called 'fights'. And there was hardly anything in his life that was as thrilling as winning a fight. But then again, spending his time on them was not even a good training anymore. What he needed was a real opponent. He needed the feeling of bringing his forces up to the limit, he needed the thrill and something new so that he couldn't exactly tell what move his opponent will do next. And he knew exactly every little move of those two lunatics by heart. What he needed was… a reason. Or a proof. Something that simply showed him he was alive. And there it was again: The anger. Unstoppable, uncontrollable and if that wasn't enough, above all even indefinable.
With a hop over the wall he landed in the garden and tiredly walked into the
dojo. Even a dummy was a better sparring partner than those freaks in Nerima
who seriously called themselves 'Martial Artists'. Was this the price of being
the best? Being bored to death because there seemed to be no one to rouse the
passionate fire of a fight inside of him? His eyes were empty when he stood at
the entry of the training hall. He rolled to his heels. A slight scraping noise
came from under his feet and got his attention. There lay a little, but sharp
stone on the ground. With a calm expression he picked it up and wordlessly
looked at it. Long seconds passed by. Suddenly his expression hardened a bit.
Like a marionette that was controlled by someone else he at one go lead the
sharp edge of the stone to his skin. His eyes were still as empty as before
when he put a slight pressure on the little thing and pulled it down his arm.
Blood welled from a long, fine scratch. Sleepily he watched the intensive read
that dropped from his skin and the corner of his mouth started to twitch a
little. Suddenly his eyes widened in shock. "What in the world am I doin'
here?!" he whispered to himself in disbelief.
"Ranma-kun!"
Surprised he dropped the stone and whirled around. "Do-do-doctor Tofu?
What are you doin' here?"
Despite of the lack of friendliness in Ranma's phrase the young doctor who suddenly appeared behind him remained smiling. "Home visit. Your father called me. He said he couldn't work because of his rheumatism. Since I already knocked off and there's nothing left to do for me today I thought I could look after him."
There were forming slight traces of sympathy for the way too credulous doctor in his face. "If ya say so…"
Tofu was still smiling. "And what's that? Again Akane's work?"
"What? OH! Eeer... no..." Nervously Ranma hid his bleeding arm behind his back. "Not Akane-- I was... uh… kind of attacked by the usual opponents on my way here. Ya know, never get a break from trainin'n all." He gulped and acted amused. Now he was actually rather glad Mousse and Kuno had stolen his time once more since he didn't had to lie. At least not really.
"I see", he pensively answered. "I can disinfect it if you like. All I need is--"
"No, no. It's alright!" Sweat dropping he waved his hands. "Come on, I'll take you to the old guy. He's the one who needs medical care, I bet." He was already leaving the dojo when doctor Tofu's voice held him back for another moment.
"I'm happy."
Questioning, Ranma turned to him. "Cause my father needs your help? Your practice is runnin' well, isn't it? Yeah, really. Everyone here says you're the best doc anyone could ask for."
A slight headshake interrupted him. "That's not what I mean. I'm referring to your answer that it wasn't Akane who did that. It looks like you have finally realized what I tried to tell you back then."
Ranma frowned and tried hard to remember while he was tipping his forefinger against his chin. "What could that be?"
Doctor Tofu gently laughed and turned away to head for the entrance door. Without looking at the young Martial Artist he answered his question: "I told you you will find out someday what a cute and gentle girl she is. And you did, am I right?"
Ranma was actually glad Doctor Tofu wasn't looking at him while he said that.
Otherwise he would have noticed him blushing. Annoyed he stamped into the sand
in front of the stairs of the dojo. "I never said I think she's
cute…" He grimaced like a pouting child. Then he gave his attention back
to the long scratch at his arm. His injuries always healed unnaturally fast.
The blood was clotted already and changed into a rusty brown. Frowning once
more he looked at it closely and sighed. He just couldn't tell why he had done
that. Then he looked at the tiny white scar at his hand. Ever since he was a
little child he had it at the tip of his left index finger. Strangely that wound
never completely healed. Maybe because he did not want it to heal for some
indefinite reason. Because that scarf had a special meaning. It made him happy
when he looked at it. Happy... He blinked and let his gaze wander up at the
Tendou house while his feet started to move. He could see Doctor Tofu -
confused as ever - chewing a spoon while nipping at a cookie. Kasumi looked at
him in sweet amusement and giggled. Ranma's pace slowed down. Frowning he came
to a halt and bit on his lower lip. The red evening sun laid her warm light
over Nerima and made those two young people look like a part of a beautiful
almost perfect picture. In this moment when Ranma found the beauty and the
harmony that came from them - no matter how confused Doctor Tofu tended to be
in Kasumi's presence - he realized the reason for their constant smiles. They
were happy. They knew why they were happy and maybe Ranma could have gone so
far to tell they were aware of what they lived for. Seeing this Ranma felt neither
joy nor in the mood to smile. Since even though he really wanted those two to
be happy, he was in this moment simply envious.
***
Akane didn't come downstairs for dinner. Considerately her father told her to stay in bed for that day after he - despite her protests - carried her into her room. Though Doctor Tofu did not come because of her and he never specialized on general medicine, he unusually proudly assured Soun of his knowledge of the one and the other cure he learned while he had studied. Therefore he insisted on taking a look at his most beloved patient for a minute in order to make sure that she was really alright. When Ranma stood up from the table and went up the stairs to take a little nap, he heard Akane's voice from behind the door of her room. "That's cold", she giggled, still a little hoarsely and made Doctor Tofu laugh as well. Morosely he raised an eyebrow. Suddenly he turned round and rushed back down the stairs. Only a few seconds later he furiously ran back and forth on the roof of the dojo.
"That stupid little-- Always pretendin' to be cute 'n nice before the others. I always only get to feel her bad sides. Just because I'm not like that I-'ve-studied-so-I-know-everythin'-Wonder-Doc." He didn't even notice the surprised faces of the people who passed the house and heard him talking to himself. "I'm sick of it. So damned sick. Am I here the only one who... who cannot see a reason to… smile?" He sighed and sank down into a seat, then rolled to his back. At least now his position perfectly fitted to his mood. He felt the same as he really was right now - flat. Staying like that he looked at the first star at the canopy of heaven. With a frown on his face he wondered what was happening in Akane's room and especially if she needed to take off her clothes for Doctor Tofu's special cure. Instantly he shook his head in order to forget as soon as possible what he was just thinking. But that annoying pain in his stomach would not leave. He sighed again. Was he jealous? Of the uncute macho chick that didn't even have a breast but hips as big for two? Yeah right. That aside he knew about Tofu's unspoken love for Kasumi. There was no way something was going on between him and Akane. She though had a crush on him for quite some time and could still enjoy such a little medical treatment… well a topless medical treatment, indeed. No, wait. She was not the type for that. Or was she? AGH! There, he did it again. He let those thoughts come over him. Angrily he hit himself in the face. He couldn't tell if it was his laziness, his tiredness or just the non-existent motivation, maybe all of it together - he just did not take his hand away from where it hit his cheek. Half interested he watched the single star high above. "A fight… All I need is just a good fight. Or I will bore myself to death." Suddenly an image appeared before the bright star. It showed Doctor Tofu in a wolf costume and with a stethoscope, examining Akane with his giant claws while she was innocently giggling. Ranma's eyes jumped out. "Ridiculous…" he hastily whispered as a sweat drop ran down his temple. "Pah, I don't care at all." Pouting he closed his eyes.
***
...
You remember
Who are you?
~You know me.
...
~When she smiled at you, you felt it and never lost it.
~You just forgot it over the years for you wanted to forget.
What did I forget?
~What it means to be happy. The sense. The reason.
How was I able to find it back then?
~By letting it happen.
...
~"Don't cry anymore, little girl." - "You are very sweet."
Who was she?
An Angel...
***
Shivering he silently closed the back door behind him.
Everyone seemed to be asleep already since it was pitch dark in the house. He
was fallen asleep himself, on the roof though. Now he had only two wishes.
Something to drink and then his warm, soft futon. He gently gasped when he
stretched his limbs. His joints cracked and his back hurt. If that wasn't
enough, his head felt kind of weird. As if he had just had a very meaningful
dream, but as so often he wouldn't remember what he dreamed. Silently cursing
he shuffled along the kitchen to get a glass of fresh milk from the
refrigerator. He was just laying his hand on it when his ears caught a sound
that came from inside of the house. Surprised he turned round and threw a look
at the kitchen clock. It was past midnight. Nabiki's life was always properly
planned and part of it was her bedtime. So it was definitely not her. Kasumi
was rather unlikely to be still awake either. She used to go to bed quite early
since she had to get up first for making breakfast for everyone after all. Akane…
Well, Akane didn't really have a reason to go to bed early. But then again, she
didn't have a reason he could think of to stay awake that late, either. Above
all since school was starting the other day again. So the only ones who were
left were Genma and Soun. But since his father was lazy to the bones and Soun
wouldn't stay up to play Go all by himself - those two just didn't seem to have
any other interests - Ranma also doubted it was them. Happosai left the Tendous
a while ago since he wanted to 'work' a while outside from Nerima, as he
sincerely informed them in a letter. Or was he back? Tip-toeing Ranma went
through the dark corridor, following the sound that he heard. He saw there was
a bluish light coming from the tea room. Frowning, he looked around the corner
and tried to avoid any noises while sneaking forward. Suddenly he stopped and winced.
Someone had sobbed - he had clearly heard it! Then he heard a rustle. It
sounded like a crowd of people… or a broken tape. Then a crackle mixed to it,
right before the soft sobs sounded again and for a split second both was
drowned out by a short beep.
"If you don't mind then…"
His eyes widened in shock. "What the--?!" he whispered as he recognized his own voice. But that was impossible. Wasn't it? He didn't speak. Did he? It was late, yes... But-- No! Impossible. If it was only a dream then... then he would…. Then he would like in all his dreams sit in front of a set table and enjoy a rich, delicious meal. But there was no set table. No delicious food either. Everything he saw was the bluish shine. And then there was the almost noiseless rustle and the low sobs. And his own voice.
He shook his head and as inconspicuous as possible tip-toed further. When he reached the door frame he carefully peeked into the tea room where neither candles where burning nor the electric light was on. Bathing in the blue light, he found a small, petite person who seemed only like a narrow shadow in the darkness. When he saw that person he wasn't really that surprised. That moment was almost like his emotions were switched off and everything his eyes caught was directly linked to his brain. "Akane", it told him. "Akane cries", he then noticed when he saw the crumpled up handkerchiefs. This realization made something in his tummy hurt once more. Step by step he felt a bit more confused. "Why's she cryin'?" he asked himself almost mechanically.
Trembling she reached out her arm and pushed a button of a remote control. Again the unmelodic crack that reminded him of a crowd and a broken tape sounded. His gaze slowly wandered to the television that gave them cool, yet soft light. Once more she pushed the button and with it stopped the monotonic noise.
"I see. And you can't with me..."
He winced again in shock. What did Akane say to him? And when had she noticed him at all? But before he could retort to her very confusing statement he just heard his own voice again: "I wasn't saying that! I just meant… If you don't mind then… I-- uh…"
His jaw dropped. So that was it! He didn't know whether to be ashamed of is own stupidity or to actually feel a little… flattered of what took place right before his eyes. Akane sat squatted and wrapped into a thick cover on the floor and watched the video that Soun and Genma once secretly took of the two of them. It took place on the day when Ranma had been kissed by that creepy Mikado Sanzenin and then Akane tried to show Ranma how much better her own guard was. Well, originally… It all ended up in them promising each other to give a proof that they are not afraid of being kissed and therefore they wanted to try it. Well they 'wanted' to kiss each other. But that never happened. Before the great moment should come they saw their very annoying, obnoxious and pushy parents spying on them and ruining the romantic mood. Well, romantic or something like that. However, Ranma was feeling really strange when he sat like that in front of Akane and she closed her eyes for letting his lips touch hers. Back then he suddenly felt very guilty. He didn't want to abuse the situation, he didn't want her to make a horrible experience about her first kiss just like he had had. When he had met her he considered her as a tough and stubborn girl with a rather strong fighting spirit. Seeing her willing to be kissed by him had seemed to him like she just did not want to leave the dojo as the loser of a fight. And this made him unexpectedly thoughtful. He didn't know much about love and all the back and forth between lovers who wanted to express their feelings. But one thing he did know: A kiss is something that you shouldn't give or be given without a good reason. His bad conscience was growing. Yes, Akane was determined to let it happen between the two of them at that place, at that time. And yes, he wanted it himself. But she only agreed to it under the wrong conditions. And that's why he let go of it, nervously stuttered a few words in order to win some time… some seconds, minutes, maybe even months or years - how long it might have taken them until they both wanted it for the only right reason. That's how things looked back then. What he saw, what he felt and what he experienced only taught him about the Akane whom he had met on his first day in Nerima. Later on though he, for the first time, wondered if she wouldn't had done it because she liked him a little bit after all. At least his heart and head agreed on the point that the Akane he had got to know better in the past months was anything but a superficial girl that would act like that without having thought about it. Actually, she was a very gentle and sensitive person. Maybe too sensitive for this cold world, so that she learned to hide all her gentleness behind a hard, dangerous looking shield.
As he was seeing her before him, sobbing, crying in front of the TV, he instantly understood. She was not the 'macho girl' he believed her to be; not at all. The truth was, she was more of a girl than all her friends and classmates. But this exuberance of tender emotions seemed to mean to her the same as weakness. Whenever someone was able to look behind the shield and saw her feminine treats she reacted angrily. This girl was afraid of being feminine. Still part of her always seemed to long for being adored, in a certain way. Or just by certain persons? Words like 'unsexy' definitely got her mad. But why? What was the reason for such an inner emotional conflict?
Ranma gulped and carefully crawled closer to the wall, for fear of being
noticed. His sudden fear was just as unexplainable to him like her tears were
when he found her. The thought of just speaking to her seemed somehow
embarrassing. How often did he meet Akane in this room already? How often did
he sit down when they watched TV? They had been living quite a while under the
same roof and saw each other day in, day out. There were days when he was about
to pack is bags and to leave. Maybe not forever but for some time - so angry
could she make him sometimes. Then he remembered the moments of embarrassment
that they both shared. Just like the first meeting in the bath. Or the totally disastrous
time when Nabiki took Akane's place as Ranma's fiancée. And from time to time,
although not too often, there were moments that he wished to stand still for ever. As she wanted to accompany him
when he had lost his strength thanks to Happosai's moxibition-pressure, for
instance. Or when she had decided for him and against the battle dougi that
made her strong… When he saw her face after a very long time as he was back
from his fight against herb and finally could stand before her as a man again…
And also when he had held her warm in the cave. But those moments were always
also connected to some tragic, embarrassing or painful incidents. And so he preferred
to suppress them and don't remember them anymore. Without any doubts, those
were wonderful moments, yet not lasting and probably not meant to last any
longer. But now in this moment as he observed her watching the video which he
had forgotten about already the day when it was taken, as he saw her secret tears
and heard her sobs, he believed to see not only a thin fragment of her deep and
complex personality but for the first and maybe the only time in his entire life,
to see her whole, beautiful and fragile being. Actually it should have make him
sad to find her like that and strangely to understand what she was crying for.
But now that he saw her like she really was, now that he watched her crying and
at the same time knew about the reason for her tears, now that he remembered
Doctor Tofu and Kasumi smiling at each other, there rose a feeling inside of
him that mixed with the pain that he felt whenever he saw Akane cry. It was a
feeling that he almost had forgotten about: He was happy. Happy in a way that
he believed to have known a long time before. Happy not to be alone. As he
realized this he tiredly leaned his head against the door frame and whispered
his words so softly that they couldn't reach Akane.
"Don't cry… Akane…"
…
*Don't cry anymore, little girl.*
---
Thanks for reading and reviewing. Especially to Minakane. What you wrote was very useful and I wished I could change it but I don't know how. Won't it delete me reviews? ;_; On the other hand it's really embarrassing now that you explained me the difference...
Oh, I almost forgot... This is dedicated to 'Elysium and Lonely Soul'. This time I was really fast, wasn't I?
*whispers* ...since I don't want LS to become even crazier than she already is. :P
