Chapter Two: Legolas
"Get your hand off my arse," Eirthrethriellwen giggled, and swatted Boromir away. The grumbling young Captain went back to playing love songs on his Harmonica of Gondor.
Aragorn was walking next to her. "And so I was like, Arwen, it's not working out, and then she was like, ohmigod, are you, like, breaking up with me, and I was like, um, ya, and she was totally all oh, no, like, what's the matter with you, you're totally out of character, and I was like, um, well, I don't THINK so, biz-atch, and she was like . . ."
"Orcs!" cried out Legolas. The Fellowship sprang into action.
Eirthrethriellwen just giggled and pulled out her sword. She swung left, then right, and soon killed all the Orcs.
"What a rip-off," Legolas complained. "I didn't even get one."
Eirthrethriellwen giggled and patted his rump. "Soon you'll get some."
Legolas smirked at the rest of the Fellowship.
~~~~~~~
"Oh, dear," said Gandalf, obviously relishing the chance to be the boss. "We appear to have hit a snag. Shall we go to Moria or up Caradhras, the Most Commonly Misspelled Mountain?"
"I know!" chirped Eirthrethriellwen. "I'll turn into a bird any fly to the top of the mountain!"
Legolas stared at her. "Since when can you turn into a bird?"
She giggled. "I'm an Animorphagus, silly. I can change into anything." Even your mom! she added to herself. "Then, at the top of the mountain, I'll use my telekinetic powers to wage war with Saruman, thus clearing the mountain pass!"
"Is this a joke?" Merry whispered to Pippin, his mind having been a bit less muddled since his recent mushroom intake.
Frodo shook his head. "I – I've heard tales of her kind. Seus Yram they are called, and their powers exceed even the ancient Maiar – even the omnipotent Valar! And they are said to be more beautiful than the ancient elf queens, and tastier than Farmer Maggot's mushrooms."
"'Shrooms," sighed Merry happily, and wandered off to do who-knows-what.
Meanwhile, Legolas had Eirthrethriellwen's hands tightly clasped in his. "My Lady, return to us presently, or evermore shall my heart despair."
She bowed her head. "I will not fail you. Hsivle laer ton," she said, quoting an ancient Elvish linnod meaning 'Peace will come to us all', or some other sort of nonsense.
"Amin sarigruva iire entuluva," Legolas responded, which means, in real Elvish, 'I will have sex with you when you return'.
Eirthrethriellwen giggled again. "You always know how to make me smile." And with that, she turned into a sparrow and flew away.
"You man-whore," Aragorn accused the elf. "You said you loved me."
~~~~~~~
Eirthrethriellwen was halfway up the mountain when she spotted a mini-mall over in Rohan, and abruptly changed direction. After an hour of shopping, she returned to the Fellowship, exhausted but happy.
"Did you defeat him?" Gandalf asked eagerly.
Eirthrethriellwen smiled her brightest smile, the smile so beautiful that it sent a pang through everyone's heart to look at it. In fact, that very smile was sought after by no less than seven art galleries. She had almost given it to the Moria Art Museum, but there had been bad things said about their fire department, so she reconsidered. "Um . . . yes! We, er, battled . . . long and hard! And, and I won!" She held up her shopping bag as if it were a trophy.
"Well done, you!" cried Legolas, and swept her into a passionate embrace. The other Fellowship members plotted in their minds different way to kill from, from hitting him on the knees with a frying pan to turning his, er, Elven treasures into something unnatural.
She broke away suddenly. "Look what I got!"
She held up stacks of beautiful dresses and everyone applauded.
"You'll have to give us a fashion show!" cried Gandalf.
Boromir whistled. "No chance you bought any lingerie?"
Eirthrethriellwen just giggled. She Fellowship sat down in the snow and watched her model dress after dress after dress after dress after dress after dress after –
"LINGERIE!" yelped Boromir as Eirthrethriellwen came out from behind a rock dressed only in panties and a push-up bra.
Merry and Pippin threw handfuls of money at her as she giggled and pole-danced around a sapling. "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" they yelled.
"Don't see the point, really," muttered Sam. "Not like there's anything that'd show what doesn't show now."
Frodo nodded and wolf-whistled. "Doesn't leave much to the imagination."
Eirthrethriellwen just giggled, reverting momentarily to a sinister cackle.
~~~~~~~
Later that night, Legolas and Eirthrethriellwen sat around the campfire talking.
"My very first memory, when I was three, is of being brutally beaten. My father was an evil man, you see, and I had my eighteen brothers and sisters to take care of, so I didn't have time to watch out for myself. I always knew there was something different about me, but I never quite figured out what. Sure, I had pointy ears, telekinesis, and the ability to shape-shift, but I never understood why I didn't fit in.
"When I was twelve, my father began selling me to other men – well, letting them rent me for the night. I hated it, but there was nothing I could do, short of calling Social Services, and I just didn't have it in me to make that toll-free telephone call. Besides, I was afraid that my eighteen brothers and sisters would be split up and sent to places where they'd be warm and well-fed. So I just bided my time.
"One day I was sitting around, wishing that I wasn't a cheap whore and that I lived in Middle-earth, when, POOF!, there it was. My wish came true."
Legolas was obviously impressed. "Poor Eirthrethriellwen. I'm so sorry."
She looked down sadly. "It's all in the past. I'm here to start a new life."
He looked at her, radiant in the firelight, and felt his heart swell with love. Either that, or he'd been eating too many Big Macs again.
"Eirthrethriellwen," he whispered, "I think I love you."
She looked up, her eyes changing from violet to sapphire to midnight black, and finally settling in a pink heart-shaped pupil. He was reminded of a slot machine, but shook it off.
"I think I love you too," she whispered, and a tear rolled down her alabaster cheek. "But it's forbidden."
He frowned. "Why is it forbidden?"
She looked momentarily put off. "Um, I dunno. I just think it should be."
He shrugged. "Fine with me." And then he tackled her.
His mouth crushed hers like a hillbilly with a beer can. Her kiss was exotic and intoxicating and –
Poisonous?
Well, never mind. He'd shake it off.
With trembling hands he undid her shirt. "Are you sure?" he asked breathlessly.
Her eyes glinted evilly. "Positive."
~~~~~~~
They found his body the next morning.
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Any Sue elements you wish I'd include, only say the word and it shall be done!
