Disclaimer:

If I owned Harry Potter I could have bought anything I wanted in the Shambles in York today. But guess what? I don't own him so all I bought are 2 books, 2 boxes with tee, some hot chocolate and a fab lunch at Betty's.

Ever been to Betty's? Isn't it just a place where you can go in and eat and eat and eat and eat until you explode? J

***

Right, I think I forgot about it for a few seconds…the absolutely horrifying, humiliating feeling that I should have every single time I see HIM.

Yesterday, when I walked past him in the corridor I was in seventh heaven and today…It's horrible. Why did I even write those stupid letters? Why do I even think about him?

I sent him those silly notes. Anonymously. Why did I have to give myself away like that?

"Hi Draco,

How are you? 

A friend."

Stupid, stupid, stupid. My stomach churns when I even think about writing those seven words. Okay, you might think that that is nothing. It is nothing and it is everything at the same time. He looked at me in the Great Hall today again, this inquisitive, knowing and confused look in his eyes. For the split second that I dared to watch him. Oh, the shame.

And I actually thought I was safe doing that. I used school owls, because I can't just borrow Pig or Hedwig. I remember being absolutely flattered when he even sent an answer back.

"Who are you?"

I smiled and buried the tiny piece of paper in my pocket. My fingers seemed to be on fire every time I touched it. A thing HE had touched and even written on it. A note just for me. That really made my day, you know.  

I felt so superior and safe. He would never find out who I was. I had it all planned out in my mind. We would start to be pen friends sending little notes and then long letters to each other and he would still trying to guess who I was. And then, when we would trust me and start to like me, then I would tell him that it was me all along and he would like me. He would no longer care that I'm a mudblood and filth and dirt. I imagined the two of us sitting together down by the lake, chatting and laughing.  And then…maybe…he would like me more than just as a friend…

Pretty pathetic. If this was a novel than things might have worked out quite well…everything according to plan. The worst enemies united and fall in love, finally realizing that they were made for each other and that the animosities  from the past had just been a sign of some deep sexual desire and of feelings buried deep within. 

How could I have been so stupid. It took him only three more notes to figure out who I was. Although he never told me he knew. I knows that he knows that it was me. And he knows that I know he knows.

And if Ron found out, or Harry. They'd never talk to me again.

Oh my god, what do I do, if he tells the entire school? I bet he would love to tell everyone about it. Maybe he already has and now they are laughing at me behind my back.

Ron. My loving boyfriend. Yes, I like him, but love? No, I think I love Draco. The feelings I have for Ron are friendship and brotherly love. I do care for him and that's why I stay with him. Fantastic, now I start even lying to myself. I don't stay with him, because I care for him. If I'd really care for him, I would never stay with him, but let him move on and tell him that it's not faire to deceive him. He is nice and he deserves someone who returns the love he gives.

I'm a horrible person. Disgusting. I smile at Ron and tell him a hundred times a day how much I love him. He expects me to do that. Everyone does. And wouldn't it be normal if we had a real relationship? Everything is make believe on my behalf. I am the one who can't afford to lose him. He's the one thing that protects me from Draco. The more affectionate I am with Ron in public the less likeable it is for Draco to see and realize what I truly feel for him. And nobody would believe him that I wrote those notes. Nobody, because I'm Ron's girl-friend.

And there is another reason why I can't break up with Ron.

Who would want to be with me once I lost him?

I would lose Harry and Ginny, too, not only Ron.

I'm not good-looking and charming. I'm plain and simple. Perhaps, if I were beautiful and flirtatious, then Draco would look at me. But I'm not. I'm into books and I don't really care what I look like. Usually I don't care.

Last week I wore my hair in a ponytail. It lasted for about 10 seconds because as soon as I had walked downstairs from the girls' dormitories I felt the eyes of all the people in the common room on me and self-consciously I pulled the ribbon out of my hair resorting to my usual messy, bushy hairstyle. I can't suddenly start wearing tightly fitting clothes and make-up. That's just not me.

I envy girls like Lavender, Patil and Padma. They are quite good-looking and chatty and boys just like being with them. In a sense, I'm pretty lucky that Ron feels something for me, after all. I mean, nobody else would notice me otherwise.

Why has life to be so complicated for me? Why can't I just settle for what I have and be happy with it?