Hawkeye,
How do I write you this letter? I'm still not sure I can. After all this time, how do I tell you that you're a father?
I can only assume that my request to keep the real reasons for my "medical" discharge from everyone at the 4077th was honoured. Either that or you aren't interested in being a part of our lives. I could understand if that's the case. You never bargained for a kid. Even if you are just learning this for the first time, if you never want to hear from me again, I could understand that too. I am not writing because I expect anything from you. I guess after all this time, I thought you deserved to know.
My parents were upset when I told the why I had been discharged. My father insisted I go somewhere else until the baby was born. He told me if I didn't give my baby up for adoption I would no longer be a part of our family. It was Edward, my brother-in-law, who stood up for me. I never really liked him much before. I thought he was boring and plain. I never imagined he would save me and I certainly never imagined I would wind up living with him and Carol Ann, but I did. Or rather, we did. You have a daughter, Hawkeye. Her name is Mary Elizabeth. She is so beautiful and smart.
I told my parents that her father is a GI I was engaged to marry who was declared MIA. They believe it because they have to, because to believe anything else would be too hard. They tell everyone we were married just before he went off on a dangerous mission and disappeared. They even went so far as to make up a last name for me. I'm known as Josephine Thompson now.
It was hard for me to come back. As much as I wanted to be with my family and friends, I wasn't the same person they used to know. Seeing what we did over there, living the way we did...it changes a person. No one here seemed to understand that. I once told my sister in a way we were all missing in action. My family has lost the Jo I was; I have lost the Jo I was. I'm not the person I was in Korea either. Sometimes it still feels like I am stuck in between two people I once was. I think there will always be a piece of us that remains there, trapped in a memory of who we were.
For a while I couldn't fathom why any of this happened to me. Korea, a baby... Before I went to Korea my life seemed so simple, so clear-cut. I would get married, live in a little house with a white picket fence and raise a family. It seemed so easy. But then I went away and things changed, I changed, and nothing seemed easy anymore. And then they put this little baby in my arms and told me I was a mommy. I don't know if you believe in fate, Hawkeye, but I do now. I stopped wondering why when I looked down at my daughter's face. She is perfect, Hawkeye. She doesn't know what war looks like, and I hope that she never has to.
She saved me. Just like you saved me. Just like I saved you... In those desperate moments we were what each other had to hold on to. She is why it all happened, because if I hadn't gone to Korea, if I hadn't met you, she would not exist and now I can't imagine my life without her.
For the first few years we lived with my sister, Carol Ann and her husband and children. I worked part-time at the hospital and Carol Ann watched Mary Elizabeth for me. Mary Elizabeth still goes there if I have to work late. Our life is good. I have steady work at the hospital and Mary Elizabeth started school this year. We have our own place. The apartment is small, but it is close to the hospital where I work and Mary Elizabeth's school.
What can I tell you about your daughter? She will be six this year. She is beautiful, Hawk. She has your eyes, and the most beautiful smile in the world. She has your sense of humour too. She is always pulling crazy stunts, trying to make me laugh. She is the apple of her grandfather's eye too. It was quite unexpected considering his attitude before she was born. He always spoils her when we go to visit. Maybe it's because she is his only granddaughter, but I think it's because she knows how to make him laugh.
She is so smart, Hawkeye. I am so proud of her. Her kindergarten teacher tells me that she is one of the brightest children in the class. She is already reading. Every night when I tuck her in, I tell her that she can be anything she wants to be.
Hawk, I am so sorry you haven't had the chance to see any of this. I don't know if you can ever forgive me for not telling you. I wouldn't blame you if you never did. The truth is, I was scared. I was afraid you might ask me to marry you. Afraid because I wasn't sure I was strong enough to say no. I love you Hawkeye, I always will, but I didn't want you to propose out of duty. I couldn't bear to be a burden to you. You deserve more than that, and so do I. You are a good man Hawkeye, but I don't know if we could make each other happy. After all that we have lived through, we deserve to be happy.
If you don't reply to this letter, I promise I won't send another. I hope you are well, and that you have found some happiness.
With love,
Jo
How do I write you this letter? I'm still not sure I can. After all this time, how do I tell you that you're a father?
I can only assume that my request to keep the real reasons for my "medical" discharge from everyone at the 4077th was honoured. Either that or you aren't interested in being a part of our lives. I could understand if that's the case. You never bargained for a kid. Even if you are just learning this for the first time, if you never want to hear from me again, I could understand that too. I am not writing because I expect anything from you. I guess after all this time, I thought you deserved to know.
My parents were upset when I told the why I had been discharged. My father insisted I go somewhere else until the baby was born. He told me if I didn't give my baby up for adoption I would no longer be a part of our family. It was Edward, my brother-in-law, who stood up for me. I never really liked him much before. I thought he was boring and plain. I never imagined he would save me and I certainly never imagined I would wind up living with him and Carol Ann, but I did. Or rather, we did. You have a daughter, Hawkeye. Her name is Mary Elizabeth. She is so beautiful and smart.
I told my parents that her father is a GI I was engaged to marry who was declared MIA. They believe it because they have to, because to believe anything else would be too hard. They tell everyone we were married just before he went off on a dangerous mission and disappeared. They even went so far as to make up a last name for me. I'm known as Josephine Thompson now.
It was hard for me to come back. As much as I wanted to be with my family and friends, I wasn't the same person they used to know. Seeing what we did over there, living the way we did...it changes a person. No one here seemed to understand that. I once told my sister in a way we were all missing in action. My family has lost the Jo I was; I have lost the Jo I was. I'm not the person I was in Korea either. Sometimes it still feels like I am stuck in between two people I once was. I think there will always be a piece of us that remains there, trapped in a memory of who we were.
For a while I couldn't fathom why any of this happened to me. Korea, a baby... Before I went to Korea my life seemed so simple, so clear-cut. I would get married, live in a little house with a white picket fence and raise a family. It seemed so easy. But then I went away and things changed, I changed, and nothing seemed easy anymore. And then they put this little baby in my arms and told me I was a mommy. I don't know if you believe in fate, Hawkeye, but I do now. I stopped wondering why when I looked down at my daughter's face. She is perfect, Hawkeye. She doesn't know what war looks like, and I hope that she never has to.
She saved me. Just like you saved me. Just like I saved you... In those desperate moments we were what each other had to hold on to. She is why it all happened, because if I hadn't gone to Korea, if I hadn't met you, she would not exist and now I can't imagine my life without her.
For the first few years we lived with my sister, Carol Ann and her husband and children. I worked part-time at the hospital and Carol Ann watched Mary Elizabeth for me. Mary Elizabeth still goes there if I have to work late. Our life is good. I have steady work at the hospital and Mary Elizabeth started school this year. We have our own place. The apartment is small, but it is close to the hospital where I work and Mary Elizabeth's school.
What can I tell you about your daughter? She will be six this year. She is beautiful, Hawk. She has your eyes, and the most beautiful smile in the world. She has your sense of humour too. She is always pulling crazy stunts, trying to make me laugh. She is the apple of her grandfather's eye too. It was quite unexpected considering his attitude before she was born. He always spoils her when we go to visit. Maybe it's because she is his only granddaughter, but I think it's because she knows how to make him laugh.
She is so smart, Hawkeye. I am so proud of her. Her kindergarten teacher tells me that she is one of the brightest children in the class. She is already reading. Every night when I tuck her in, I tell her that she can be anything she wants to be.
Hawk, I am so sorry you haven't had the chance to see any of this. I don't know if you can ever forgive me for not telling you. I wouldn't blame you if you never did. The truth is, I was scared. I was afraid you might ask me to marry you. Afraid because I wasn't sure I was strong enough to say no. I love you Hawkeye, I always will, but I didn't want you to propose out of duty. I couldn't bear to be a burden to you. You deserve more than that, and so do I. You are a good man Hawkeye, but I don't know if we could make each other happy. After all that we have lived through, we deserve to be happy.
If you don't reply to this letter, I promise I won't send another. I hope you are well, and that you have found some happiness.
With love,
Jo
