Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else related to it. However, Mrs. Rowling let me play with her beloved characters and I'm grateful for that. And I promise to give them back as good as new, if not better.

***

Why does food have to taste so good? I stood outside of the Great Hall today, waiting for my and the other 6th years turn to go inside and have a seat and I tried so hard not to look at him. He was there with his goons again and chatting up Pansy.

Pansy. Oh, I can't stand the sight of her. Blonde and pretty and slim.

I'd give a lot to look like her. Well, I could do with being brunette though. I noticed the other day that my skirts are getting tighter. I'm gaining weight again. Filling out in the wrong places. But the food is just so delicious, I can't stop myself from eating the pudding or the chips and all that good stuff they serve.

It's not as if I didn't try. I always tell myself that I don't really need to eat it. I can do without it and then, when the trifle is right in front of my nose or the delicious smell of curd tarts…I just can't resist and what was supposed to be one tiny bite turns into much more.

There are worse things in life than putting on a few pounds. Draco didn't look at me when I weighed less, so why bother with a diet?

Stupid thoughts. It feels good to write them down, though. I could never say that out loud. I can just picture the look on Harry's face and Ron would say that I'm all right the way I am. And me caring about my looks?

I should stop being so depressive. I know I really am. I have to tell myself to be cheerful and lively and than everything will be all right. Rise and shine.

How cares about bloody Draco Malfoy?

***

Maybe it's just my imagination, but since the letters he has stopped teasing and insulting me. He seems to ignore me. That's even worse. With the insults he at least paid me some kind of attention. Now I'm a nothing to him. Not even worth bothering him in any way.

I always thought that complete and total ignorance was even worse than contempt. I mean, when you hate someone than at least you have some kind of emotion and feeling for that person.

I want to burn the letters, no, they are not real letters, they are notes. Tiny scribbles on parchment. His handwriting is quite elegant. I can't touch them. It's enough to look at them and I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach and my cheeks burning.

"Why do you write those letters?"

I can remember my answer to his question as if I had learnt it by heart.

"I want to be your friend. I think it's sad that we never got to know each other better. I think we could be great friends."

Silly me. Did I try to persuade myself there that I don't love him? That all I wanted was his friendship? Maybe I could fool myself for a second, but I certainly couldn't fool him.

My heart aches and my throat is soar. Maybe it is because I sit in one of the rarely used corridors to write this.

Rain has been pouring down for ages and Hogwarts might be a wonderful castle from the outside but once the weather is cold and wet it becomes quite chilly on the inside as well. I wear gloves and a scarf going from classroom to classroom. Only in the common room where there is that huge fireplace it is warm and cosy.

I'm sitting on a window sill right now and a bit of water comes trickling in trough the window as the rain pours down non stop.

I wonder what's it like down in the dungeons. In potions I nearly freeze to death and every time we brew some concoction or other I huddle as close to the fire as possible. What's life like for a Slytherin down there all the times?

If things had worked out the way I wanted them to, then I could have asked him all those questions that are on my mind.

I don't think he's such an awful and horrible git as he pretends to be in public. I think he believes that he has to live up to his name. That everyone expects him to be that way and that he can only led his guard down when he is on his own.

He's like me. We both cannot be ourselves if we're with people. I can't be myself when I'm with Ron because for him I have to be his loving girl-friend…and Harry? He needs me to be strong, he needs me as someone he can rely on, someone who knows at least some of the answers he has the questions for.

The teachers and other pupils just see the perfect-know-it-all in me and actually I'm quite happy to give them what they want. I like what they see in me, I get something out of it.

But if only Draco could see trough all that and see how I feel and who I really am. I'm sure it's the same for him.

Maybe that's why I love him. I don't love the Draco Malfoy with his sneers and insults…you know, the way he is in public. But I love him the way he has to be when he is alone. It is difficult to explain and I know it's wrong…I love a picture my imagination created. He simply has to be like that otherwise I couldn't love him, could I?

I think I'm going crazy. Maybe it would be best just to forget about all that. Forget about him and that's it. But that has never worked out so far. I couldn't he always pops back into my mind sooner or later. I manage not to think of him for hours, sometimes even days and then he's there and all those feelings come flooding back and I feel like I'm drowning in emotions.

It's better to write them down and get them of my chest. It gives me time and I can breathe and go on living my life for a few more days until I catch another glimpse of him and think that this time he has been looking at me differently. Maybe with something like love or at least interest.