Disclaimer: Do you really think things have changed? No infringement is intended, I don't make any money with this and I don't say Harry Potter's universe belongs to me.
Author's Note: Nothing much to say here. Half term is over and done with, I am back at work.
Thank you very much for the wonderful reviews. Usually I don't thank people personally, but I appreciated your support so I thought I might let you know…
VoodooChild39: No, I live and work in Britain, but I am not British. English isn't even my mother tongue. But I'm glad you like the story. Thank you for the review and your encouragement.
Pink Tribe Chick: Thanks for making me want to go on. I like it that you think there is a way for Draco and Hermione to be together…and that I just don't see it yet…that's cute.
Ibystander: I wasn't sure about the title and this story used to be titled "Me", but back then nobody wanted to read it. Maybe because the summary sucks or the title is no good…I don't know, but thanks for letting me know that you liked it.
Hotchick90: That's a creative way to write reviews. J Unfortunately I have never seen a single episode of American Idol, but I get the picture. Thank you for the other reviews, too.
Sabriel41: I love your stories and I am glad that you find the time to read some of the things I wrote. Your reviews are awesome and help me improve my writing. Never cease to review, comments like yours are worth their weight in gold.
Special thanks also go to Tropic, Nina and so may others that reviewed.
Oh, and there is another chapter to come…I'll post it as soon as possible.
***
What is it with men that they always go for the same kind of girl? It's the good-looking, perfect, entertaining and charming girl getting every bloke she wants.
Girls like me have to settle for the mediocre, the left-overs.
I don't want to be mean when I say that Ron is not the crème de la crème. He is nice enough, but if there is someone out there and you can physically feel how you are pulled and pushed towards this person, then it is very hard once you smash into the invisible wall called reality and you realize that no matter how much you want to be with this person, there is no way you could ever get together.
Lately I have been making things worse for myself because I started reading those heart-braking romance stories. Anything fluffy I could get my hands on. And in those stories it's always love succeeding in the end. Enemies become lovers, the ugly duckling charms her prince charming…that's how I wish my life would be like.
I bought a magazine a few days ago. A girly magazine. I hid it in my book bag, but Ron spotted it and made fun of me. What would I need such a magazine for? He never thought I would read something like that.
Well, to be honest, I used to make fun of people reading these magazines. I thought I was above them and now that I skimmed through one of them I must say that they are not so bad. I don't like the articles, they are shallow and there's nothing interesting in them, but the make up and beauty tips might help me improve my looks.
I keep telling myself that once I lost a stone and got nice hair and a pretty make up make over he will look at me and see me in a different light.
Listen to that. Isn't it ironic that the cleverest witch ever attending Hogwarts…at least as far as this century is considered…can't stop deceiving herself?
I didn't go to the lake when I had the tiniest chance of meeting him, talking to him. I chickened out and hid. Even if he would look at me and ask me out, I would never accept it. I'm with Ron after all and Draco is our arch nemesis. I couldn't hurt Harry like that. Never ever.
There are times when I think about telling Ron the truth. Then I lie in bed crying myself to sleep, but what good would it do? It wouldn't improve my situation, would it?
I have written these lines several days ago. Now that I had time to think about it, I decided that it is time to move on. I saw Draco yesterday and he was with Pansy, taking her in his arms, holding her. It broke my heart to see them like that, but it made me realize one thing, too. We're not meant to be a couple. We can't, because we're simply too different. Our families, our backgrounds, our beliefs and goals…no, even with we could get together our love would shatter sooner or later, because we're too different and just making compromises doesn't work on a long term basis. You've got to have something in common and simply going to the same school, having magical abilities and being of the same age is not enough.
Right now my head is clear and I can think about everything that has happened in the past without regretting doing it. So I wrote these stupid letters to Draco. So what? It isn't a crime to do that, although I admit that it wasn't my best idea ever.
I feel like telling the whole school that I'm in love with Draco bloody Malfoy and then we'll see what happens. That would be a way of not deceiving Harry and Ron. I should tell them about my feelings. I feel awful because I am lying to them day in day out and things just seem to get worse between us.
But let's face it, if I walked up to Draco Malfoy telling him that I love him,…
...the Draco Malfoy I love would look at me and either confess his feelings for me or simply say nothing and never mention it again.
…the real Draco Malfoy would sneer at me and make fun of me. He'd probably say something along the lines of "Dream on, Mudblood!" And he'd rub it into my face whenever he'd see me.
But at least it would be off my chest then and I could move on and focus on a new thing that makes life worth living.
I think that's what I'll do. Yeah, I guess, I'll do it. I'm a Gryffindor, for heaven's sake, not a coward.
I won't live my life chasing a dream that will never come true. I will never get Draco Malfoy to love me. I'm just keeping myself from finding a true love.
Tomorrow, I will give this diary to him. It's not much, only a few pages that I have written so far and I don't care if he ever intends on using it against me. He can copy it and give it to the whole school if he wants to. If hid my feelings far too long and now that I realized it is no good either way, I don't care any longer about it.
Draco,
I have spent more then three years of my life longing for you and at some point I even thought I was madly in love with you.
But what's the point of being in love if the person you're fancying would love to see you dead?
You don't give a damn about me, do you?
And even if you would, you couldn't admit it. Your precious father wouldn't let you, nor would you let yourself love a mudblood.
Well, you don't know what you're missing. You didn't even catch a glimpse of the real me and I doubt that you know who you yourself really are. You're too stuck up living up to other people's expectations.
I could be the most wonderful lover in the world. I could be caring and loving and interesting. I could be your best friend. That is, if you had let me.
You can do with this diary whatever you like, it's yours.
Love,
Hermione Granger.
