Disclaimer: I still don't own it.

Author's Note: Sorry that it took me ages to update. I just wanted to write a nice long and excellent chapter for a change and set myself a word limit of about 3000 words…so here we go…

I didn't quite manage 3000 words, but this is definitely the longest chapter I have ever written in my entire fanfiction writing life.

Oh, and I think I found out why hardly anyone bothers to review this story…I guess it's just to depressive and there is no happy ending in sight and it is neither cheesy nor well planned, but hey, I just had to get it out of my system and done with, because then I'll be able to finally finish my other stories…

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EPILOGUE – or is it?

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Today I saw him again. I can't believe it that I'm still thinking about him after all that time…

I was strolling through Diagon Alley when I nearly bumped into him. True, I never really stopped thinking about him and every time I saw his picture in the Daily Prophet he is holding another pretty blonde super model in his arms and smiling and pretending to be oh so generous when he donates some of his money to this charity or that.

Right after I had left Hogwarts I permanently caught myself searching for a sign of him, but it never came and I finally thought I could move on with my life.

He got the parcel containing my diary the day after I had made my decision. I think he even watched me break up with Ron during breakfast that day.

Merlin, the next six months in school were the worst I ever had to go through. Ron was so hurt, he wouldn't speak to me anymore and neither did Ginny or any of the others girls who couldn't take it that I threw away our perfect relationship. And Harry wasn't very helpful either. I should have known that I would end up all alone.

Well, as soon as I saw him standing there in front of Flourish and Blotts I tried to back away. I didn't want to be seen by him. I am such a coward, I know, but I can't face him, nor Ron for that matter.

I'm still in love with Draco Malfoy although  I haven't seen him for ages. I didn't want to see him, because every time we run into each other my heart aches and my stomach churns and I wish I could transfigure myself into a tiny little mouse and vanish.

Usually I just apparte away.

But what is love anyway? What do we mean by it? Funny, isn't it? Our lives are ruled by this abstract idea we can't really explain. Or can you give a definition for what love is?

Love – feelings of affection we have for another human being or maybe even an animal, object or idea.

That is what you might find in a dictionary. A simple definition that – in my opinion – doesn't say anything about love at all.

I love you.

Subject, Verb, Object. There is no difference between "I love you" and "I hate you" or "I see him" if you're looking at it from a linguistic point of view.

Ich liebe Dich.

Subject, Verb, Object. Isn't it nice that "ich" rhymes with "dich"?

Je t'aime.

Subject, Object, Verb for a change. It doesn't make a real difference, though, does it? And it is far from being as efficient as

Ti amo.

Ti amo. It already seems as if the Subject and Object are an item, inseparably linked by the Verb.

I wish love would be so easy. Those sentences, those tiny little sentences express everything and nothing at the same time.

I love you. Just say it and you can feel all the joy that can be connected to these three little words.

Ich liebe Dich. It almost makes you physically go through the pain involved in loving.

I think most of us use these words too often. They are handy little tools to get you what you want.

Sex? Here you go, just tell her you can't live without her and say the magic four letter word and there you are happily pounding away.

Money? Say you love him and if he is foolish enough to believe a Subject – Verb – Object construction can hold any sentimental feelings, he'll marry you and a few years later you can inherit whatever is left from his empire.

Draco Malfoy has it both, Sex and Money. I doubt he knows what love is all about. He doesn't need love and he is better off that way.

But hey, who am I to judge? I'm single.

Do I know what love is?

Back in school I thought I did, today I am not so sure anymore. I felt brave and all mighty because I broke up with Ron, told him the truth…that everything had just been a big pretence and that we are better off if go back to being friends. Just friends. I was stupid enough to think that Draco Malfoy would realize what I sacrificed for him, for us. That he would consider me a martyr and over come all those things that separated us from being together. Who would care that I was a Mudblood and he the son of a Deatheater? It wouldn't matter any more that he was Harry's biggest foe. We would simply rise above all those human prejudices and live happily ever after.

Naïve.

I should have known it wouldn't work that way. It didn't work for Romeo and Juliet either.

Personally, I think that they didn't die at the end of the story. That was just Shakespeare's easy way out so that he wouldn't have to deal with the real problems that were coming up in their relationship. What if Julia suddenly found out Romeo didn't really love her? Maybe there weren't married for real and he just played a prank on her to get her in bed to humiliate the Capulets even more?

Or she suddenly found out that he wasn't what she wanted, perhaps she didn't want to risk being with him anymore once she found out that he's nothing but a gigolo who had more girls in the last week than there were fingers on his hand?

Did he ever say ti amo? Did she ever say those words? Well, we can't know for sure and in my opinion it is highly unlikely that Shakespeare's version of events is anywhere near reality.

But he does get a message across…

"Love is a killer!"

It kills you if you are not careful and watch every step you take. It eats you alive, swallows you as a whole. It doesn't kill your body, but your soul.

Love is a Dementor.

Did you ever wonder why  Dementors kiss their victims? Isn't a kiss something that is actually connected to love? A gesture of affection? And yet it sucks up your soul, only leaves your body as an empty shell behind, not capable of anything anymore.

There have been a lot of incidents in history where a kiss gave you away, condemned you to death or even worse.

Jesus and Judas are probably the most popular example.

I presume that is what people refer to when they are talking about "BAD LOVE".

Maybe that's why everything went wrong for me. I didn't watch my step, maybe I got kissed by a Dementor without even noticing it.

I assumed that if you love someone this person is bound to love you back. If you're in love you tend to forget that the other person might not even acknowledge your existence and if they do realize that you are out there, how are they supposed to know you love them? Well, sure, you could tell them, but most of us don't because we are afraid they might reject us, laugh at us, point at us and humiliate us in front of our friends, family, colleagues.

And there is always the chance that they don't love us back.

What's the point of loving someone if they don't love you back? And just because someone says "I love you." you can't really be sure that they do. Tricky business, isn't it?

Surely there is something like a good love then, too.

GOOD LOVE.

Love that makes you feel good and happy and wanted.

There seem to be thousands of different kinds of love. We love our parents and siblings. We love our favourite toy. We love chocolate and cars and pets.

Or maybe it is just the object that changes and not the love we feel towards it or anything else for that matter.

I like to think of myself as someone who found out that we can easily live without love and sometimes I can convince myself that I don't need anybody except for myself in my life. If I can't have Draco than I don't want anybody else.

When I was a child, well, not a child but a teenager, I imagined that at the age of 22 I would be happily married and maybe have children or at least that I would start thinking about having a family with my love.  I wonder if Draco ever read my diary. Luckily I didn't write down anything like that in it. That would scare any man away. Men don't think about children and love and marriage…well, not before they turn 30 something, that is.

You can't pin love down. It is nothing but the name we have for an abstract idea that none of us can really grasp.

Draco Malfoy could never understand what I felt for him and what I still feel every time I see him or think of him.

Hell, I don't understand it.

How can something that can makes us feel so good make us feel bad at the same time?

Love is not a roller coaster with its ups and downs. Roller coasters can't go up and down at the same time, love can though.

It is what love does and it's bloody good at it.

If we had to visualize love men would probably think of it as a woman. A stunning, beautiful woman. Women can have ups and downs at the same time.

Men would never admit that they can, too.

I thought about writing a love letter to Draco Malfoy. Or about simply walking up to him and proposing to him and then we could marry each other and everything would be fine. I wish love - or life for that matter – would be so simple.

Unfortunately it is not.

All my life I struggled and wouldn't give in to the cheesy view so many people have of love.

I don't believe people think much about love.

Love is something you live. You don't really talk about it and if you talk about it you refer to sex and marriage and babies and presents and men and women and crushes, but you're never talking about love itself.

It's probably better this way. I shouldn't just think about love, I should go out there and get myself a man even though this man most likely won't be Draco.

There is no way it can be Draco even though he is the man I love.

Je t'aime.

How can we grasp what love really is, if in our sentences the one we declare our love to is not even the Subject of our sentence?

The Subject is the most important thing of a sentence. There is no Sentence without a Subject and a Verb. We can easily live without an Object.

Ich liebe Dich.

Shouldn't the one we love be the most important thing in the world? Shouldn't they be the Subject of our Sentence?

I love you.

Draco, I  love you so much I want you to be the Subject in my Sentence.

Crazy, isn't it?

Fruitcake. That's what you think I am, don't you?

Love, I would like to accuse you of making my life hell when you actually could have made me happy.

I wonder how much money I would get if I could sue love.

1000 Gallons for every time my heart broke when I saw Draco smiling and being happy with another woman in his arms.

10 000 Gallons for every time some one said "I love you" to me and didn't really mean it.

100 000 Gallons because I'm a single and love didn't manage to get me the man I wanted – or any man at all that is.

Love is an Oxymoron.

Yeah, I guess, that is what describes it best.

Love is both, good and bad, death and life, black and white.

We can't live with it and we can't live without it.

I wouldn't want to live without it.

Would you?