~I don't own Cardcaptor Sakura~

Shaoran x Tomoyo sap.

~~~~~Chapter 12: Helenium and Hemlock~~~~~

Tomoyo's POV

I- I can't believe what just happened. Am I really awake?

Shaoran Li told me he loves me? That he has for years?

He loves me? He *kissed* me?!

How can he love me if he loves Sakura? ...He can't, can he.

At least not with his whole heart... and he's not the type to do anything halfheartedly.

I know he loves Sakura... Meilin told me to look for proof, and I did. When Shaoran and I arrived at Sakura's this evening, she winked at him, and he blushed. She was smiling at him all evening, and I saw how nervous it was making him. It was so cute, like they were sharing a secret they're keeping from the rest of the world. They're so in love... and, jealous bitch that I am, I spent the whole time sitting there wishing he'd blush like that over me instead of her.

But I don't want that to happen if it's going to hurt Sakura.

So what the hell was the kiss all about? What the hell was he telling me he loved me for? Doesn't he realize how hard he's making things for me? Doesn't he realize that I truly *do* love him? And that, even if I *do* conceal them, my feelings are real and shouldn't to be trifled with?

Is this some kind of freaking test?! To see how much I can deal with before I snap and destroy my friendship for the sake of unrequited love?!

My handsome, gallant, kind Shaoran... I can't believe he'd pull something like this...

I can't understand... what would make him do such a thing?

I know he's not the kind of person to cheat on Sakura. He's too honest... but what was he trying to do?

I'll bet it was a joke. A cruel joke, but a joke all the same. He probably just didn't realize it would hurt me this much.

But how could anyone think something like that would be funny, in any sense? I just don't get it.

Wait... I think I might know what brought this about...

Could it have been Meilin?

Meilin knows how I feel about Shaoran... she knows that I'd never say anything to him... and, I know she's a good friend and a wonderful person, she must have only had good intentions...

But, given the situation, it's only reasonable to think she may have had something to do with this.

Not that I blame her. I'm sure she was only trying to help. I can see how this might have been an attempt to make me happy... she's such a good friend.

I just don't understand what possessed Shaoran to go along with it. Hey, at least he doesn't hate me after finding out that I'm in love with him!

But would Meilin tell him something like that? That's what doesn't fit... I don't think she'd do that... we're too close, I really doubt she'd tell him after I asked her not to... I trust her...

If it wasn't Meilin, did he figure it out on his own? Wow, I must be doing an awful job of hiding it, if Shaoran picked up on it... he's not the most perceptive of people...

But, *did* he realize how I feel about him? Was he trying to prove a point, to make me realize how wrong it would be? Was he maybe trying to turn my feelings by giving me reasons to hate him?

As if I could ever hate him.

I just hope he doesn't hate me for reacting like that. I was only doing what I thought was best at the time...

Was it for the best? Should I have told Shaoran I love him?

Would telling him get me anywhere? After that, I really don't know.

~~~~~helenium symbolizes tears

~~~~~hemlock means 'you wil cause my death'

yet another short chapter, sorry! ill make the next one longer! ^^