Je Suis Désolé

Chapter 5

Hiro stared into the violet eyes that gazed painfully back at him, pleading him for something, though Hiro had neither the will nor the strength to humble himself enough to ask.  At that moment, he could see a small flicker of light within the deep irises before him.  He realized with a joyous revelation that he had not seen such a thing in over a year, and he knew the reason behind its sudden reappearance.

It had left a year ago, stolen carelessly by a stoic novelist who had become so used to it he had not even realized that he had taken it at all.  And now that that novelist had returned, so did the light.  It was a light that brought depth and life into the violet eyes of his friend.  It was what he had been searching for and trying to restore this whole time; this beauty that he had known lay with the novelist, but all the same tried to bring it back himself.

Shuichi had been upset about Yuki's appearance at the concert; his loss of consciousness was more than a valid testament to that.  Seeing Shuichi's eyes after the concert had frightened Hiro more than anything; they had looked broken and dead, like an old tree that had endured too many winters and just fell against the last gruesome storm.  All the concern he had felt for his friend in the previous slow year had climaxed at that sight, and Hiro had resigned himself to grief, since Shuichi had become as good as dead to him.

And yet, here Shuichi was, with the light back in his eyes again.  Hiro couldn't say whether the light had rekindled on Shuichi's own behalf, or on the advice of another, but that was a trivial matter anyway; what mattered was that Shuichi was back, a little worse for the wear but still alive nonetheless.

Hiro stared into the eyes, admiring the deep-rooted beauty that was now partially obscured within them, but he noticed a slight fear that pulsed through them.  It was a reluctance of some kind, something that Shuichi was either dreading or regretting, and Hiro knew it had to do with him; otherwise, he knew Shuichi wouldn't be here, at his apartment with looks to confront him, at all.  Still, Shuichi had yet to say anything, due to the awkward fear that coursed through him.  Hiro could see him trying vainly to hide his trembling hands in his peripheral vision, and upon seeing that Hiro realized that it might possibly be the fact that he was staring straight into his eyes that made his friend so afraid.  But to hell with breaking the gaze, since Hiro reasoned after everything that had happened, this was his last chance to see the beauty he had found so long ago in his friend.

"Hiroshi…" the name hit his ears with a painful ring; in all the time he had known Shuichi, even those first few days when they had just been casual acquaintances, he had not once been called by his full first name.  It had always been Hiro, and Hiro hated to be called otherwise.

He tried his best to put on a convincing smile, one that mimicked his usual lazy grin, though he doubted it was fooling Shuichi anyway.  Either way, it didn't matter; Shuichi knew how he felt whether he put a happy face on it or not.  "Shuichi," he sang, drawing out the 'u' longer than normal.

"I wanted…to see…what you, what you thought about—"  Hiro stared at Shuichi's face as he faltered around through his sentences with his eyes nervously downcast towards the floor.  He took a long pause, allowing his last attempt at a sentence to die away before he started again.  "You saw that he…that Yuki came back…"

"Who could have missed it?" Hiro retorted, sounding a little less pleasant than he had intended, but decided against taking back his words with an apology.

"I was wondering," Shuichi said, his voice dropping into a mere whisper as a soft blush spread across his cheeks, "what you thought about it, after…after everything that happened between…us…"

Hiro knew that Shuichi was trying to be blunt, and despite the fact that he didn't even mention exactly what he was referring to, the sharpness of his meaning stung into Hiro.  He finally lowered his gaze from Shuichi's eyes and instead let it settle on his own hands, which had begun to tremble along with Shuichi's.  He let a long silence pass by before he gave his reply, "What happened between us, Shuichi, is just one friend taking advantage of another's pain."  His own bluntness, he knew, hurt much more than anything Shuichi could manage to say.  "And if Yuki doesn't accept that as a reasonable excuse, then he doesn't deserve to look at you."

Another long silence fell upon the two, during which Hiro finally gathered the courage to look back up to his friend, whom had now closed his eyes, hiding only partially a worried frown that marred his face.  Hiro wanted to say something, but nothing came to his tongue, and he remained awkwardly silent, waiting for something to happen.  At last, Shuichi let out a sad sigh and opened his eyes.

"Will you…will you still be my friend, Hiro?"

"Of course," Hiro replied quickly, though his voice was laden with doubt because he knew something that Shuichi was too innocent to imagine, or at least too innocent to admit.  He knew that what had happened between them, no matter how much they tried to belittle it, would always remain there in their minds, and no matter how much they tried to forget, to push it back into the far reaches of their minds, would come floating back into memory whenever they saw one another.  No, their friendship could never be the same again; they had knowingly crossed the point in which there was no turning back, and now, even though they both wanted to so much, there was no turning back…not ever.  And Hiro realized painfully that he no longer had any best friend; there were many friends, he was sure, but what he had shared with Shuichi had vanished from trace, could not be restored and would never come back, not like Yuki had.

Hiro wondered how long it would take Shuichi to realize all this, and what Shuichi would do when he realized such.  Hiro had been a bad friend, he knew.  In all his promises to protect Shuichi, he could not protect him from his own betrayal, even though he knew that was what hurt the most.  Shuichi deserved to have a best friend, a good best friend, and so perhaps this was for the best; maybe now, Shuichi would be free to find someone more worthy.

"Are you going back to Yuki now?" Hiro uttered before he could stop himself; he hadn't even realized he had been thinking about it at all.  It seemed as though the question had just spontaneously issued forth unbidden from the depths of his mind, escaping before he had a chance to counter it.  He dared not look at Shuichi because he knew that he would find the answer on his friend's face, and no matter what words were uttered out of his mouth, Hiro knew that the answer was definitely affirmative.

Shuichi still had yet to answer, prolonging Hiro's pain, and in his mind he could hear his own venomous thoughts, that screamed out at him so loudly he was surprised that Shuichi couldn't hear.

Why?  Why would you ever return to that bastard?  He abandoned you, and now that he's decided that maybe his life was a little more exciting with you in it, are you really going to go running back into his arms without any doubts?

But it was such a mute point, Hiro didn't see the need to vocalize it.  He knew Shuichi would go back to Yuki because that was just how Shuichi was.  He would surely forgive anything that someone he loved did against him without fail.

"I know what you must be thinking," Shuichi's soft voice interrupted his thoughts.  "And I will go back to him, always.  Because I love him and I forgive him."

With that, Shuichi turned and made his way to the front door.  Hiro listened to the clanking of the handle as Shuichi opened it and made his way out, but the expected shutting of the door didn't come.  Instead, Hiro was greeted by Shuichi's voice once again.

"And…  I forgive you, Hiro." There was a pause in which the silence pounded shrilly against Hiro's ears.  "I can forget what happened.  We can be the same as before, if you can forget too."

A low click of the door signaled Shuichi's departure, leaving Hiro alone to ponder his last words in silence.

========

Shuichi jogged through the hallways of NG, stopping not even to catch his breath.  He stumbled more than a few times, but refused to let his clumsiness to overcome him.  He had a chance now for things to be the way they were again, and he would not allow it to pass him by.

Upon reaching his destination, Shuichi skidded to a stop, placing his hands on the polished wooden desk to ensure he would not lose his balance.  He glared into the dark eyes of the woman who sat there, staring fearfully back at him, her fingers still hovering over the keys of her keyboard as if her whole body had frozen completely when Shuichi had appeared.  Shuichi's shoulders were heaving from the previous dash up countless flights of stairs to arrive here, but he did not dare to take the time to catch his breath before speaking.  His subconscious was active with an urgency that only it knew the reason for, but Shuichi had learned a long time ago to trust it nonetheless.

"I…need…to…speak…with…Seguchi-san," he spat out between breaths, not even blinking once to relieve the secretary of his intense glare.

"U-uh, I'm sorry, Shindou-san, but he left just a few minutes ago," the woman stuttered slightly, now seeming more confused than afraid.

"Where did he go?" Shuichi demanded, his glare falling into a disappointed, worried frown.

"Well, he told me that he was returning home because he needed to drive a family member to the airport," the secretary answered with a smile.

Shuichi could feel the color drain out of his face, and he did not bother to close his gaping mouth.  He was too late…  He had missed his chance.  It was all over now…

Shuichi's face turned into a determined frown.  No, he still had time left.  Yuki wasn't completely gone yet.  He just had to make it to Seguchi's house before they left, and all would be well and good again.

Without taking the time to thank the secretary, Shuichi dashed onward again, shoving open the stairwell doors and hopping over the railing, skipping entire flights of stairs at a time and ignoring the dull pain that was beginning to gather in his knees with each time he landed.  He made it down to the bottom floor in record time and flew outside the studio where a mass of people and automobiles rushed by at an alarming pace.  He sprinted to the edge of the sidewalk and held up his hand, waving desperately and spastically for a taxi…any taxi…just hurry…

Shuichi watched as an array of taxis pulled up along the sidewalk, allowing in other passengers that had been waiting along the edge of the sidewalk just as he had.  The seething impatience inside him was growing to impossible levels, and he could barely contain himself.  He couldn't stand it; he could see the only way to get a taxi would be to throw himself in front of one.

Preparing himself for the leap, Shuichi only prayed that it wouldn't hurt too much.  He bent his knees, watching for just the right moment, when a strong hand yanked him back onto the safe pavement of the sidewalk.

"I seriously hope you weren't planning on doing what it looked like you were planning on doing," came a familiar voice, and Shuichi looked up to find his long time friend smiling down at him.  Shuichi looked up at him quizzically, a touch of awkwardness encompassing him once again.

"Hiro, what are you doing here?" he questioned just loudly enough to be heard over the hubbub of the daytime street.

"I work here you idiot," Hiro retorted.  His smile faded after he finished the sentence, however, and he looked down at Shuichi with a deadly serious expression.  "I heard Yuki's leaving again, and I figured you'd need a ride."

"Hiro…?" Shuichi whispered.

"If I can get you to the airport in time, I promise I'll forget all our transgressions against each other, and we'll be the way we used to be, okay?" Hiro proposed, the smile once again returning to his lips.

Shuichi's face lit up as he lunged forward, swinging his arms around his best friend.  "Thank you, thank you, thank you…"  He couldn't be sure how many times he had repeated the phrase, but he knew no matter what the number was, it wasn't enough to fully express his gratitude.

"Okay, then!" Hiro exclaimed, dragging Shuichi forward towards his bike, which was currently parked on the side of the street.  "To the airport."

"No," Shuichi said as he threw on the extra helmet.  "To Seguchi's house.  We have to find out which plane he's taking."

"Forget it," Hiro said as the two jumped on the bike.  "That wastes too much time.  Don't worry, Seguchi's secretary rushed in a few seconds after you took off and told me everything.  I know where to go."  And with that, he took off, ending any further possible conversation with the load roar of a speeding motorcycle.

========

I'm sorry, Yuki…  Please, please wait for me!

The terminals of the airport were rushing by so fast that he couldn't read their signs, though it didn't matter.  He knew where he was going, but he had an ominous feeling that he was late, and that feeling was causing him a great deal of anxiety that flooded his veins and only made him run faster.  But the faster he went, the later he felt he became.

When he was a little kid of about two or three years old, he had had a dog.  It wasn't anything special, just some family dog that was there for the sake of having something cute to pet when things got a little lonely.  Three black spots had destroyed the pure white beauty of its coat, making it into some ugly mutt that they had picked out of the pound because it was cheap.  But the dog was loved nonetheless, always receiving an unending shower of attention.  That is, until his little sister was born, and suddenly the new baby was much cuter than some useless mutt.  The dog had gotten jealous, and it had started to bite.

They had taken it to the vet, to get its new problem 'fixed,' as his parents had told him.  And he could remember the way the dog looked when they dragged it into the back room of the vet's office, still snarling and as mean as ever, but something else was hidden within its eyes; there was fear there, fear as strong as in a human.  Because the dog had known it, Shuichi had known it also; he pretended to believe his parents when they told him the dog was all right and had been sent to work on a farm, where its toughness was put to much better use, but he knew better.  He knew the dog was dead.

He knew that, just as now he knew that he was too late.  He couldn't prove it, but it was there, in his mind. 

He was too late.

Shuichi grabbed the wall to stop himself from rolling over as he swung around the corner into the terminal to which Hiro had directed him, and skidded to a stop, the traction in his sneakers failing completely and allowing him to slide into a perfect position right next to the gate.  He paled when he saw his suspicions confirmed; all the passengers had already boarded the plane, and the flight attendants were preparing to close it entirely.  Shuichi rushed forward, yelling at them incoherently, and stopping their doings for a moment.

"May I help you, sir?" one of them asked once Shuichi had taken a pause for breath.  Shuichi lifted his eyebrows into a pathetic position as stared pleadingly at the attendants.

"Please, I need to see someone on that plane…  Just let me on, it'll be only a minute," he said, surprised at the fluency with which the words poured from his mouth.

"I'm sorry, sir, but the plane is already taking off.  I'm sorry, but you've just missed it," the attendant said kindly, though with those words she managed to rip at Shuichi heart, sending a wave of nausea that was so intense Shuichi actually felt as though he was about to pass out.  Without even being able to scream out, even though he desired to do so more than anything, Shuichi stood up and ran to the window, gazing out at the huge silver plane that had already been detached from the gate and was slowly rolling off in the direction of the runway.

"No…" Shuichi whispered, banging on the glass with a weak fist.  "No, Yuki, why couldn't you wait?  Just a little, Yuki…"

Tears began to flood his eyes, blurring the sight of the silver plane slowly lifting off the ground and angling up into the vast blue sky.  Shuichi for once desperately tried to hold back the tears, tears that were heavier and much more important than any he had ever experienced before.  These were tears of grief, the same grief felt for losing a loved one, the same grief he had felt when they had dragged that dog off to die, because Shuichi knew he had missed his last chance.  It had been left up to him to fix—Yuki had done everything he could—but he had blown it.  Yuki had been the one to cause the mess, but Shuichi had let the chance to fix it pass him by, as if it were carried past him by the wind, and he had waited just a little to long to reach out and grab it.  And now Yuki was gone again.

The plane was merely a gray dot in the sky by the time Shuichi's vision cleared again.  He sniffed a few times as he stared at it, as if trying to will it to turn around and come back to the airport, but it never did, it never would, and Shuichi knew that.  He stood there until the plane had practically disappeared in the distance, blending with the blue until it became part of the sky.  He bowed his head in one last parting farewell, a defeated gesture in which he was not sure he would be able to come out of.  Perhaps he would just remain in the position until he collapsed and died.

He let out a sigh and managed to lift his head again, suddenly becoming aware of his surroundings again: the glare on the glass window, the pain in his hands where the edge of the windowsill was digging into them, and the curious feeling that he was being watched.  Swinging around, his gaze settled onto a familiar blonde who was gracefully seated quite comfortably in the hard waiting benches of the terminal.  His hands were delicately folded over his crossed legs, and he stared at Shuichi expectantly, patiently, waiting for Shuichi to do something.

"W-why are you still here?" Shuichi asked, his voice cracking slightly.

"You're late, Shindou-san," he replied, his voice a little too fluid and silvery to fit the mood.  "You're late for work every single day, but I would expect you to be on time at least for something as important as this.  But then, I guess you wouldn't be you if you weren't."  A gentle smile touched his thin lips upon those words.

Shuichi's body stiffened, and he had to grab hold of the windowsill to keep himself from falling.  "Seguchi…san…"

"We were all surprised when you didn't chase after him like all the other times, Shindou-san," Tohma continued, his smile never slipping from his face.  "Eiri-san himself especially.  He told me not to tell anyone, but I think you should know that he went to New York in particular because he knew you'd be able to find him there.  He wanted you to chase after him."

Even when he had become old enough so that his parents wouldn't lie to him anymore, Shuichi had never asked them what really happened to the dog.  Even though he knew the truth, to ask them would bring finality to the subject.  But he didn't ask them because at that moment, when he had seen the fear in the dog's eyes, he had pitied it.  Even though he had hated that dog, had been afraid of that dog, he had pitied it.  He hadn't wanted the finality of being certain of the truth.

Tohma's eyes were glittering with a knowing light, a light that was mocking him.  "He was counting on your appearance like all the other times.  It hurt him when you didn't come."

Shuichi didn't bother to change his expression.  His eyes were so wide that they were beginning to sting, but he couldn't move.

"I hate to think of what he'll do if you don't come this time…"

"What are you saying?" Shuichi finally managed to squeak out.

Tohma's smile changed into a mocking smirk as he held up two thick strips of paper in his hand.  "It would have been a lot cheaper if you had made it on time, Shindou-san.  You are coming, aren't you?"

Shuichi focused on the two strips, his eyes lightening with extreme gratitude.  Plane tickets.  He pulled his mouth forward, barely able to form the words.  "Why…how…?"

Tohma let out a cultured chuckle.  "You're just the same as him, Shindou-san.  You're both as easy to read as a book.  I knew this would happen from the very first moment I dragged him back here, so I decided to save some time and buy the tickets in advance.  Now, I'll ask you again.  You are coming, right?"

Shuichi didn't hesitate to nod, rushing forward and snatching a ticket out of Tohma's hand as if he were afraid Tohma would take them away if he weren't quick enough.  Tohma chuckled once again, a generous smile gracing his expression.

Shuichi didn't want to the finality of knowing that the dog was dead, but he knew he needed it with Yuki.  He needed to know whether or not he'd ever be with Yuki again.  He needed to know whether there was a point in hoping.  He needed it this time, because unlike the dog, he cared about Yuki.  He cared so much it was painful, and he needed to know.

========

Notes:  Okiiii, it's rolling down to a close here soon…  Yup.  So, see y'all!  Laterz.

Until next time,

Cassi.