Disclaimer: I do not own Spirited Away

                                                                                                 Chapter two: Darkened memories

 Song : Somewhere I belong by Linkin Park

When this began
I had nothing to say
And Id get lost in the nothingness inside of me

I sprinted through the streets, thoughts spinning in my head, emotions crossing my mind. In the end I found myself beneath a tree in woods near my house. There were no such thing as sprits, the bathhouse didn't exist and  Haku was nothing but an imagination. Promises are only made to be broken, time does not heal scars, memories are not photographs of the past. And love? Love was a punishment made for those foolish enough to fall for another. I was shamefully one of them.

I was confused

And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me

My heart had been left full of bruises after the Sprit World, dreams repeatedly haunted me night after night, flashbacks came up day after day. I thought that if told myself I could be strong, I would let it all go. Only I was wrong. I didn't grow stronger, only more bitter. The dreams were painful and the memories stabbed at me like a knife.

When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

And who was to blame for that? Me of course. I should have known better than to run off by myself. My world was darkened after I left the Aburaya, nothing made sense anymore, I didn't, and couldn't, think and I was rarely happy. In front of me was always a fog and behind was blackness. Nothing seemed real anymore, everything passed in a blur and my life was lie. I couldn't trust anyone and didn't take the things people said too seriously. I knew I was alone in this. For ages afterwards I tried to find that red building that would lead me to him. I tried many times and failed many times.

And I've got nothing to say
I cant believe I didn't fall right down on my face

I was confused

Natsumi and Ukiho helped without knowing it, I took them for granted and they let me forget my pain slowly. I had mixed feelings and I didn't know what I wanted. I still searched for that building in the woods, the entrance to my Spirit World…

Looking everywhere only to find
That its not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

I had imagined and I had dreamed of our meeting and now it had happened but not the way I had imagined. I knew that the sprits didn't exist but there had always been aside of me that had fought against that.

So what am I
What do I have but negativity

Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me

I had nothing, no one to talk to, no one to listen to me because I knew that they would laugh. People would stare at me as daydreamed and ask what I was thinking about. I never told them. It was my painful secret  

Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone

And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I had nothing to loose anymore so I started to doubt the existence of the sprits. The inside of me fought a silent battle over the thought. My stronger side won. I was letting them go without realizing it. But it was what I had decided. 

I wanna heal

I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone

Then I started to realize that it was all a dream and I gave up, my heart broken. I had no more enthusiasm or strength, so it all started to fade away. I finally grew strong enough to handle my life, but still didn't trust everyone.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

My scars steadily healed and I saw the sun again. I stumbled over words when talked to boys, I concentrated in class and became what everyone would call a 'normal' girl. I learned to smile again and it grew to a beam. Deep down the scars were forgotten and was soon covered by time. 


I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed

 Over the months I found myself bit by bit and slowly I accepted the world around me. I forgot the Spirit World, I forgot Haku and I forgot the promise he made me.

I will never be anything
Until I break away from me
I will break away
And find myself today

I stopped looking for the red building, I stopped looking for the Sprit World and I stopped thinking about the past. Memories faded away, the dreams stopped and I steadily gathered strength. I was sure I would never find him again. But now he had found me.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone

I thought I had gotten over it  but no, the memories came back for more and after years of pain I had suffered I had to suffer it again. I wanted to let it all go, but obviously that was impossible. I have found happiness and freedom but that's was only temporarily. I wanted it but not the spirits, they wanted to pull me back to the past. Something I had let go for what seemed to be an eternity.


I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

Something I had prevented from happening for so long has happened. I wanted to get somewhere with life, I wanted to find someone I once was six years ago so I can understand the past. I want to relive my life.  

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

I climbed the hill as the sun slowly started to set, casting the sky a wonderful pink and orange. I needed sleep.

Somewhere I belong

A/N: Well I'm back everyone!!! I got back from skiing last night and I am* yawn* very tired. My knee still hurts a bit but that's no big deal… hopefully.*promise!*  Sorry if  the lyrics weren't very clear. Stupid FFN seemed to have a problem with the italics.

Thanks to James Birdsong, Shima and Tempis, Selene Serenity, st*r, Andiavas, Morrigan/ Nickoi and Guardian Storm Demon for their reviews