This story is dedicated to my dear sweet imouto-chan Jade, who knows what it's all about. Word.
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Scarlet
Part 1
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"Kouga!" she cried out, her voice like honey to my ears, and I fell down beside her, utterly spent. The feel of her heart beating madly against my naked chest, the sound of our panting breaths, the way her legs and arms would shift to hold me inside her as we basked in the afterglow, the smell of her hair and her skin…these things kept me coming back to her. These things made me want the one thing I wasn't supposed to have. And it was torture, but at the same time, I think I loved her in my own way.
The fact that she gave so willingly made me hate her. Or maybe I only hated my own weakness. I couldn't turn away from her, and now I was an addict. It was horrible, like all those years of doing what I should and only following what was expected had bred so much contempt in me that now I was doing the worst thing I ever could have.
I was sleeping with the enemy.
Maybe I should explain how things got to this point. You see, my first love was a strange and powerful miko from another time. I think I loved her at first because she impressed me. For a human, she was amazingly brave and strong…and then she resisted me. I'm the leader of my tribe, the western wolf youkai clan. I was raised to believe that no one resisted strength and power, so I was sure to accumulate those things in myself. Being in love with Kagome taught me that sometimes, it doesn't matter who you can kill, or how many followers you have, or how scary you can look when you threaten. I think she taught me that love is it's own thing, and that you love a person for their kindness as well as their strength, their insecurities and quirks as well as their bravery.
Which was why I decided that I would stop at nothing to have her for myself. But she also taught me that no matter how much you love someone, they are not obligated to love you back. And then she married that hanyou, Inuyasha…I hate losing, and it still burns to think that she liked that stupid puppy better than me.
And then I conceded, even though I still feel sick just thinking of it. I told her that I was happy as long as she was, and that it would have been difficult for us anyway. If the leader of the western tribe produced only hanyou heirs, the chance of leadership leaving my line would have been very high indeed.
So I went home and I did what everyone wanted me to do for the tribe. I mated Ayame.
Ayame…she's a good girl, and she's turning into a fair leader. But she's no Kagome. And even though she loves me, and she's sweet and considerate and reasonably pretty…I don't love her. Well…not really. I thought that after we mated, I would fall in love with her and forget about Kagome. Life could have been so much easier then, but it doesn't work that way. I think she knows that I don't really love her, so she tries her hardest to be perfect for me. But she isn't what I want and it's killing her. And then…for some reason, it seems that she can't have children. I think that hurts her the most, and she's still trying everything, though the healer told her its hopeless. No one else knows, and it actually worried us quite a bit. You see, wolves mate for life. Well, that's an oversimplification. The higher up wolves have to mate for life so that lineage and all that isn't so confusing as it is for the lower ranking wolves who can do whatever they want.
So the problem is this. Ayame is a princess coming from six generations of leaders of the northern wolf clan. My background is pretty similar, and if we want things to continue, we need to produce two heirs. One for the northern tribe, and one for the western tribe.
But she's not producing anything.
Enter the solution. A secret concubine, a sort of consort whose sole purpose it would be to produce an heir that we could claim was Ayame's child. It would have to be a foreign youkai, or everyone would notice that a random wolf girl was mysteriously knocked up, and only Ayame, the healer, and me could know the truth.
I know, it sounds bad. But it was Ayame's idea to start out with. And that's when I met Kagura again. The only woman I ever had actually wanted to kill. She had escaped my wrath in the confusion following Naraku's defeat, and I always just assumed that she was dead too. I was wrong.
I came upon her by accident when I was out hunting in a sudden storm. I caught sight of a ragged woman trying to escape the storm under the foliage of a large tree. I thought at first that it was one of the tribeswomen and that she had been caught out in the storm unawares, so I went back to check on her.
At first I didn't realize who it was, but she definitely recognized me right away. She had screamed for me to stay away and fumbled for her fan under the grimy cotton robes wrapped around her before it hit me. The fan was what made me remember. That and her eyes. They're so unbelievably red, I always wondered how it could be possible, like great pools of blood.
And when I realized it was her…I guess it had been so long, nearly six years since she attacked my tribe, and she looked so pathetic…I wanted to do something though. So I slapped her, and watched her emaciated form crumple into the mud.
It felt empty. And it was wet and cold and I was marginally curious about where she had spent the last few years to have escaped all notice. So I offered her a hand up and ended up carrying her to a cave nearby that I had played in when I was a child.
I set her down and asked her what she was doing prowling around my mountains. She told me she was lost and that she'd leave if I wanted. She said that she had spent the years alone, wandering and trying to find a place for herself in a world that seemed to reject her existence. She said that after being freed, she had vowed never to do anything like Naraku again, but it was hard.
There was no place for her among humans, and a power struggle with local youkai was the last thing she wanted. And she realized now how hard and cold and unfeeling the world was, but it didn't change the fact that she was starving and cold and alone and very afraid for her soul. The she apologized to me.
I asked her what she was sorry for and she said everything. She began to cry, and I couldn't help but believe her. And I realized that while I was still mad at her for what had happened, I felt sympathy stronger than anything else.
I asked her if she wanted anything. She cried. I told her that I wasn't going to kill her or anything, since she was sorry and she had already suffered so much. And I told her that if she stayed in the cave, I'd watch out for her. She cried some more. She told me it would be better if I killed her. I told her to shut up and I left.
After that, I started working on the cave in secret, fixing it up and making it livable, bringing Kagura anything I thought she might need or want. I felt…for some reason I felt like Kagome was watching me, and that she would have wanted me to forgive the youkai. After all, Kagome had been very compassionate, and I couldn't help feeling like maybe, if I was good, maybe she'd come back to me one day. I knew it was a stupid thing to think, but it was what started my trouble.
I don't know when I made the connection that Kagura would be perfectly suited for the job of consort, but when I explained to her about Ayame's condition and the problem of succession and all that, she eagerly offered to do whatever she could. I think…she was a lot different than the girl I remembered from before. Kagura wanted so much to pay me back for what had happened, and for all the things I did to help her…I don't think she thought it was wrong to offer her body to me. And I took it.
That had all happened about a month ago, and I had realized rather belatedly that Kagura was getting under my skin. Something about the whole situation…maybe because it was so undeniably wrong…maybe it was the way she smiled at me whenever I came to see her. And then…I realized that since she was only supposed to be there for me to produce an heir, I needed only to visit her at night. And yet, for some reason, I was finding more and more excuses to come see her. And sometimes we wouldn't even sleep together. It was all very disturbing, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had somehow fallen in love with her. The fact that I still hadn't told Ayame yet was also rather disconcerting.
We had talked about the idea of a secret consort. Ayame had suggested it in the first place. So why was I afraid to tell her? Sighing, I rolled off of Kagura, settling onto the fur-blanketed futon that we had spent many nights in. She made a soft little rumbling noise, the same noise that she always made after we had finished…what we do together. I could predict what she was going to do next, it was the same way every time after the first few times. She stretched out and rolled over toward me, burrowing her head under my arm and then sighing slowly before tracing little patterns over my chest with her fingers. After a few moments, she scooted up even closer, her body sliding alongside mine as she tilted her head up to my ear, her hot breath tickling my neck.
"Do you want something? Some tea or something?" her voice was always so rich and lush, like the silk kimonos she favored so much. I had already given her five of them, and she kept each utterly immaculate.
"No, not really." I answered, knowing that she'd get up anyway. She was always restless right after, and I didn't mind. I liked watching her get up, wrapping the yukata around her waist and cinching it expertly before moving over to the fire to make some tea. It was a ritual that still fascinated me, though I knew better than to drink the end product. I really didn't like tea at all, and I couldn't see how she could stand the bitter taste of it, but it seemed to be one of her favorite things in the world. I watched her going through the process and realized that this was the place where I felt more free. This was where my heart kept returning. I didn't get so much pleasure from being with Ayame…it was more like a duty, or an obligation that I felt I had to fulfill.
Kagura never expected anything. She never asked for anything. And even though Ayame asked for very little outright, she implied so many expectations, it was liberating to be away from here, in the arms of this other woman who I knew I should hate. I knew I should try to kill her, at the very least refuse to see her ever again. And yet, I was helpless to her control, and I wondered if she knew. I wanted so badly to tell her goodbye and to never return, but she held onto me so tightly that I couldn't bear the idea of never seeing her again. If Kagura ever realized how much she meant to me, I would be in real trouble.
But then, wasn't I already in trouble? I was actively trying to create a child with her, the one woman I was sure the tribe would stone to death even if I placed her under my protection. It didn't matter if she was carrying my child. And then a thought occurred to me.
What if Kagura was barren as well?
And then another thought.
What if Ayame wasn't the problem. What if I was the one who couldn't have a child?
It was terrifying and liberating all at once. If I never got Kagura pregnant, I'd never have to try and explain where the child had come from to Ayame. I didn't love Ayame as a woman, but I did care for her a great deal. And it would be horrible to me if I let her down. I felt like every time I gave in to the temptation of Kagura and her hair and her scents and her lips and her eyes that I was letting everyone who depended on me down. I felt as though I was failing not only my dead kinsmen, but myself. And it didn't really matter to me. I still wanted her. I couldn't get enough. Maybe I liked the taste of failure, but I couldn't believe that. I had always hated losing before.
But with Kagura, it tasted so sweet.
I watched as she finished off her tea and then set down the empty cup, not bothering to take off her yukata before she climbed back into bed beside me. She was smiling at me, her red eyes twinkling as she lay down next to me and kissed my cheek softly. "Sleepy?" she asked.
"I think I'll sleep here tonight." I told her, and it was well worth the concession to see the brilliant smile on her face. She never expected anything from me, and so when I gave, she was overjoyed. She bit at my neck playfully; a sure sign that she was ready for me again, and I pulled open her yukata. No sense wasting the night.
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"I need to go down to the villages today." I told Ayame as she straightened my armor unnecessarily. "Do you want anything?"
"Why do you always go there?" Ayame asked. "Are you…looking?"
"No." I snorted at her, trying not to break into a cold sweat. "What's the point if I bring back hanyou children? Everyone would know."
"True." Ayame sighed and patted my chest plate like she did when she decided that I was fit to go out of our cave. "I was just wondering if you had thought about it at all."
"I'll find a way, don't worry." I winked at her, feeling guilty and wondering if I was utterly transparent or not.
"I just wish…Kouga, can I tell you something?" Ayame arched her copper eyebrows, and I sighed. It wasn't a question, it was more of a warning.
"What is it?" I asked her, trying my best not to look annoyed. I really wanted to go down to the village and see if I could find one or two new kimonos for Kagura. It made her so happy whenever I brought her one...
"I know it was my idea…but I don't know if I really want you to have a consort. It seems…wrong." Ayame's words made my stomach do a triple backflip. "I mean…what if you start caring about her more than you do about me?"
I wanted to say something reassuring, but when I realized that her fears were actually too late, that I obviously cared more about Kagura than I did about her even considering the other woman's past, I simply pursed my lips for a moment before getting out a weak, "Ayame, please."
"It's not that I don't believe in you! It's just…I love you so much. If you loved someone else, I couldn't bear it." She started to cry then, and I hugged her awkwardly.
"But…I was already in love with Kagome." I pointed out. I should note that pointing things like this out when your mate is feeling insecure and needy is not a good plan. Yeah, I'm an idiot.
"I know! And you've never…I know you don't…it's not the same with me, is it?" Ayame demanded, tears still streaming forth. "You're only with me because you have to be! Does that even count as love? I want you…so bad. I wish you could understand how I feel."
"I do understand." I told her. It was the truth. If she could remember how things had ended with Kagome, she would know it was. "That's why I'm still here."
"Sometimes I think…we'd be better off if you'd just ignored me." Ayame sniffled one last time and wiped her eyes before pulling away. "So you're going now?"
"I might be gone for a day or two." I knew I would spend the night with Kagura, there was no point in pretending when it would only make Ayame worry.
"I'll wait for you." She kissed me on the cheek, and I turned to leave, feeling as though I was possibly the most despicable man in the world.
But I guess…we can't help who we love, can we? If only I had realized that before I mated Ayame. But now…everything was a mess.
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The End (Of Part 1, That Is)
