Oh yes, heading into chapter two!  And thanks for the reviews, everyone.  It was especially nice to hear from Kenkaya, who is an awesome poet and a wonderful writer herself.  Check out her stuff.  Oh, and also, I'd like to send out a special thanks to Rumiko Takahashi's close personal friend Ashley, who has informed me that she knows all about how the series will end, and that duh, obviously Kouga will not end up with Kagura.  Good to know!  She also helpfully informed me that I'll never get reviews with this pairing.  Okay, because I really want reviews from the mainstream fandom after the torture of Center Stage "I wantz mo inu kag kizzn b4 da end" reviews.  Ergh, I still shudder.  Also, Ashley, next time you're making derogatory remarks about the size of an author's brain, keep in mind that pee (which you used) = urine, while pea (the more common comparative) = small green legume.  Nice attempt at English, better luck next time!  And, on with the story.

Warnings: Well, Ashley informs me this story sucks and is disgusting.  Might wanna watch out for that.  (I'm sorry, I can't help being a smartass…sigh.) Also, there are some sexual situations, but I feel they're within the current rating.

*****

Scarlet

Part 2

*****

Kagura made this little noise when I hit her just right inside.  It was my favorite noise, and the look she made at the same time, her eyelids fluttering closed and her swollen lips parting, her back arching and her head falling back to let her hair ripple in the dim light…it was like I had reached inside of her and pulled away all the demons that haunted her soul.  It was like I was freeing her from every sin she had ever committed.  And it made me feel like maybe, I wasn't such a bad guy myself.

At times like that, one could almost believe we were just a normal young couple, totally in love and without any reservations.  But you know…there's something about the way it always goes at the end that bothered me.  With Ayame, it was a lot different.  Well, that makes sense, of course, but I didn't really bother about the differences in between.  It was the beginning and the end that seemed to me the most different.

With Ayame, she was always the initiate, even if it was subtle.  She would kiss me a certain way, and that was the signal.  With Kagura…I don't know, I think I really couldn't stand the idea of her being in charge, and so I was always the one to start it.  Sometimes it made me kind of wonder if she wanted to say no.  Was she still sore?  Was she tired?  Was that a good sigh or was she sick of me?  I don't know why I worried about it so much, but I eventually picked up on Kagura's signals, ones that I don't think even she realized existed.  A kiss didn't necessarily mean she wanted me to climb on top of her or anything.  It usually just meant she wanted to kiss me.  I knew that if she did anything to tease me, like biting my ear or kissing along my neck or down on my chest, that meant that she was ready for me, but it wasn't a demand.  It was like a statement, and it didn't require anything from me.  When Ayame kissed me and made that little purring noise, I knew what she was expecting, and I gave it to her.  When Kagura kissed me or played with my ears or did whatever she wanted, it was just her showing how comfortable she was with me, how much she liked being with me.

I think I enjoyed that knowledge far too much.  But then, there was the thing that was starting to nag at the back of my mind.  It was the end, you see.  The end was the part that really bothered me.  Kagura, as I've mentioned, has a very predictable set of motions she goes through after we're done and I roll off of her.  Her soft little noise, like a growl in her stomach that bubbled up through her throat, stretching at the same time like some great cat caught at leisure.  Then she would roll closer to me, nudging her head into it's position on my chest while I lifted my arm to accommodate her.  And after that was the soft sigh, a sound that I still hadn't quite pinned down.  Was it content?  Disappointed?  Restless?  Kagura was a hard woman to know, and I was very proud of the few things I had figured out on my own.  Most of the time I had to ask.  Her fingers began making shapes on my chest, and I felt her shift, her voice soft and hot and smooth and decadent, everything that she was.

"Do you want some tea or anything else?" that was what she always said after we finished.  The exact words varied, but it was always the same.

"No thanks." The same response.  And she got up to make her own tea.  And I watched her, shifting for a better view of her graceful movements.  But my thoughts drifted.  Whenever Ayame and I mated, the first thing she said when we were through was 'I love you' or something along those lines.  She said it as soon as I fell on her, her breaths still coming in sharp pants, sweat slick between us, our hearts beating madly as she threw her arms around my neck and clutched me tight while rolling to the side so we could cuddle.  Or so she could cuddle and I could lie there and wonder what I was still doing.

But she said that she loved me.  She had said it so many times I couldn't even count if I tried.  And Kagura never had.  Suddenly, staring at the woman with her hair dangling in her face as she concentrated on measuring the amount of tealeaves to put in the bottom of her little cup, that fact seemed to be very important.  Sure, Ayame expected things.  She always expected something from me.  She expected me to save the world, love her more than any other woman, give her at least two perfect children, and always take care of the entire wolf tribe.  She expected more, I was sure, but I couldn't figure out what most of her looks and kisses and moods and touches meant, and I somehow didn't have the energy to analyze them.  Kagura didn't expect those things.  Kagura didn't seem to expect anything from me.  She seemed surprised every time I visited, as if she thought that I would have no reason to return.  Maybe that meant she didn't need me.  Didn't love me.

This worried me.  I didn't like to think about it a lot, because it made my head hurt to think why I should want Kagura to love me, but I just felt like she should.  And then, if I expected her to love me, to give me everything she had, even her heart…wasn't I placing expectations on her now?  Why should I do that?  Did it mean that I needed her?

No.  I couldn't.

Or maybe…sometimes…

She was smiling at me.  It was her curious smile, the one she wore when she wanted to ask a question, but probably wouldn't actually press me on whatever topic it might be.  I had seen it the day I told her about Ayame's problem, so I remembered it well enough.

"What's with that face?" I asked her.

         "What face?" her expression immediately cleared, but I was no fool.

         "That look.  Like you wanted to say something." I prompted.  "You can say whatever you want, you know.  I never said you couldn't."

"I know.  I just thought that if you wanted to say what was bothering you, you would." Kagura shrugged and turned away.  "It's stupid to ask for something when the person's already decided whether to give it to you or not."  I considered her for a moment, making up my mind.

"It's about Ayame." I began hesitantly.  "She can't get pregnant.  If the tribe finds out, we don't know what will happen.  She wants me to find someone…"

My mind faded back to the present, and I shifted to let her settle next to me, sitting up and drinking her tea with her legs folded primly beneath her.  The contrast between that and the way I remembered her moving beneath me only minutes ago seemed almost ridiculous.  Was this Kagura?  Which side of her was the real one?  The villain, the confidante, the lady, the harlot.  Maybe she was all of them.  Maybe none.

Maybe I only loved parts of who she was, but I would never see the whole.  This made me wonder if any part of her loved me.  I thought there must be something in her heart.  But then, what did I know about her, really?  I knew she liked her tea strong, and that she mixed jasmine in it not because of the flavor, but because she liked how it smelled when it was heated.  I knew that usually, she laughed in an extremely smug, low manner, but when she really found something funny, she would turn and look at you, her eyes would shine, and then her laughter sounded like music.  I knew that she slept curled in a ball and preferred the left side of the futon.  I knew that she liked to eat with chopsticks because she thought it was more civilized.  I knew that she liked the strange patterned kimonos better than the more popular styles.  I knew that she liked playing with my hair and that she took her appearance seriously all the time, even just after sex.

I couldn't decide whether this meant that I knew her very well or not at all, but I decided those were things that, to me, defined who she was.  Sometimes I wondered how I could deal with that when recalling who she had been to me before we met again.  I tried to place that Kagura over this one, to blend them into one, but they wouldn't fit, and it bothered me.  I thought that must mean that I liked this person she was now, but I still hated who she'd been.  And so there was no way I could love her.  I was safe, since I would always hate that person who had killed my tribesmen.

But I still wanted to hear those words from her.  Why?  Was it some sort of twisted victory?  If she loved me and I didn't feel the same thing, would that mean that I had won, and that I could make her suffer as I had suffered so long ago?  Was that all it came down to?

Then why did her eyes fascinate me so much?  Why did I want her all the time?  Why was I still sleeping with her, even after Ayame had told me she didn't feel right about me taking a consort?  Ayame was my mate, and I knew that I should feel a strong tie to her, an obligation.  I did feel that.  But I didn't care enough to let it stop me from seeing Kagura.  From wanting Kagura.  From being addicted to her and her ways and her touch and her smell.  Nothing could stop that, I think.

So I was confused.

"Do…you like it?" I blurted out the words without realizing she could take them a thousand different ways.  But after a moment and a slow frown of consideration, she blinked and nodded slightly.  Then a smile curved up lips that matched the deep red of her eyes and made all my worries seem stupid.

"Of course, it's a beautiful kimono." Kagura tilted her head to the side, her hair shifting in the flickering firelight, "I usually wear red, but I think that the blue really brings out my eyes."

"I didn't really think about it that much…but I'm glad." I felt my breathing ease slightly.  I really was glad that she had liked the kimono I'd brought her.  She was always begrudging in verbal gratitude, but she showed her pleasure other ways.  I liked it better that way, and I think she knew it.  She knew me so well…sometimes I wondered if she knew as much about me as I felt like I knew about her.  What did that mean?  Did it matter?  I wanted it to.

"You know, I don't need so many." She told me, sipping the last of her tea and setting the cup aside.  "I lived for a long time with only one kimono."

"But when I found you it was in rags." I pointed out, smiling slightly as she settled against me again, one arm folding between our bodies, and the other draping over my chest lazily.  I wrapped the arm on her side underneath her neck and let my fingers trace patterns on her back.  There were scars there, and they bothered me, but she wouldn't talk about them, so I had given up after the first few times.  "I told you I'd take care of you, Kagura.  That means making sure you have everything you need."

"I was just saying I don't need so many kimonos.  I know they're expensive." She spoke softly, her breath hitting my chest in puffs of warm air.  "It seems odd."

"How come?  I'm not poor, Kagura." I teased her, but she wasn't laughing.

"Well, does Ayame know how much you spend on me?  Does she know where you are right now?" Kagura's voice was so quiet I almost missed it, but it was still there, hanging in the air with expectations and I felt something in my chest tighten.  I had thought…Kagura never wanted anything from me.  But suddenly she's asking me about this?  Why?

"What does it matter to you?" I asked her, trying to sound aloof.  "Since when are you worried about what Ayame has to say about anything?"

"She's your mate, Kouga." Kagura's voice was like ice, and it stung.  "I'm just a consort."

"Don't make it sound like that." I told her, not sure what I was telling her to do.

"Like what?  Like how it is?" Kagura asked me, rolling away from me suddenly.  "Fine, forget I said anything.  It was stupid, anyway."

"I…should go." I stood up, gathering my clothes.  I didn't feel welcome in the cave at the moment, and I don't suppose I was, but I was extremely confused about why this was happening.  I had thought that I understood Kagura and all her needs and wants and quirks and such.  But I guess not.  She wanted something from me.  I couldn't tell what it was, but it was so plain that she was waiting for something that I suddenly felt as though I had failed her too, after all I'd done.  It felt like my heart was on fire.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to ask her to talk to me, to tell me what it was.  I wanted to shake her until she listened to me…I wanted to hold her close and have her hold onto me and have that be enough.  But it wasn't.  I could tell.

She didn't say anything as I left, but I thought I heard something like a sob from where she was lying.  That scared me more than any amount of expectations she held.  I ran home without looking back.

----------

"You're back so fast." Ayame slid her arms around my neck and kissed me, but I wasn't in the mood for her adoration or questions or stories right then.

"I'm really tired." I told her, brushing past her to enter our den more fully, making straight for our furs that were made up so neatly I knew that Ayame had likely spent the whole time I was gone cleaning inside so that I would be comfortable when I came back.  "I'll just go to bed, I think."

"Oh…well I'll be ready in a second." She began changing into her nightwear immediately as if it didn't bother her at all that I had so completely brushed her off.  She amazed me sometimes.  "Did you bring me anything?"  I closed my eyes and tried not to sigh in annoyance.  I managed pretty well, I thought.

"You didn't ask for anything." I told her.

"Well, that doesn't mean you wouldn't just get me something.  Like if you saw something and thought I might like it…" Ayame fingered a bracelet that seemed a little unfamiliar to me.  I frowned at her slightly as she took it off and set it aside.

"How long have you had that bracelet?" I asked her, keeping my tone neutral.

"Oh…a while." She blushed slightly and began changing more swiftly as if that would distract me from the curiosity I had encountered.  I stood back up and moved over to where she had set the bracelet.  Her eyes bulged and she dove for it, but I got there first.  It was a simple band of silver inlaid with bits of jade, but it was elegant and definitely suited her.

"Did you buy this?" I asked her, and she reached for it, still looking rather disconcerted.

"Uh, yeah, I just…didn't want you getting upset about it.  It was kinda expensive." She admitted.  Oh.  So that was why she was so worried.

"Ayame, it's not like we're poor."  I smiled at her reassuringly before handing her the trinket.  "Don't worry about things like that.  Besides, it suits you."

"Really?" Ayame's eyes glowed with a light that only I had ever seen.  It was the light of love, true, pure, unblemished love.  How come it made me feel like an asshole?  How come in that moment, I wished more than anything that it was Kagura looking at me like that?  Ayame was my mate.  Didn't that mean anything to me?

"It matches your eyes." I told her before going back to the furs, kicking off my boots and climbing in quickly.  Ayame was there in a few minutes, her whole body trembling nervously as she edged toward me and I immediately pretended to be asleep as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed my throat.

"Kouga?" she spoke softly, and I didn't answer, thinking she'd just believe I was asleep and leave it at that.  I didn't want to look at her, to see green eyes where I so wanted the red to be.  I know it sounds like a horrible thing to think, but I couldn't help it.  In that moment, it was all I wanted, and it was the one thing Ayame couldn't give me, no matter how hard she tried.  She'd never be Kagura.  "Kouga?" her voice came again, and my brow furrowed, but I kept my eyes closed.

"Yeah?" I asked her, feeling slightly irate, but at the same time, it was almost good to be here with Ayame.  She could help me forget about my troubles with Kagura, and I knew that she'd be only too willing in that respect.

"I'm glad you like the bracelet." She told me, kissing my mouth and purring slightly.  I knew what that meant.  And even though it hurt somewhere inside to hear her voice, to see her face, to feel her body instead of Kagura's, I told myself that it was stupid to feel like I was cheating on the woman in the lonely cave.  She was only a consort.  She had said it herself.

Ayame was my mate.

So why did I picture Kagura in my mind the whole time?

*****

The End (Of Part 2, That Is)