Disclaimer: Namco owns SC2, I don't. Namco, not me: Repeat: Namco, not me,
Namco, not me, Namco, not me. Have we got that? I do, however, own
Pinkfluff, Jenny; Goddess of Fuzzy Evil, and the Hell-Bunny Hordes.
CHAPTER 2 – BAMBI EYES AND BARBIE THIGHS
The world, formerly known as Earth, now under the sole rulership of Cutefuzzia, the heavenly kingdom belonging to Ares' little sister, is doomed. Strangely enough, despite being doomed and eternally altered to the grotesque pink whims of Jenny, Goddess of Fuzzy Evil, there are still heroes left in the world.
Pink was all Astaroth could see. Pink as far as the horizon stretched. Horrible, disgusting, oodles of pink. So much pink, in fact, that Astaroth felt like vomiting pink vomit and crying pink tears and eating pink food and just plain thinking pink.
In actuality, there was also a good amount of cerulean, white, and some urple (not entirely purple). The grand army of Cutefuzzia stood in perfect bunny formation on the plateau outside what was left of Castle Mickelheim. Using divine powers, Pinkfluff, Captain of Cutefuzzia, had given the stingy old fortress a nice makeover during the night, while Astaroth, newly outfitted in a bunny suit, slept in his king-size bed. The castle was now something out of a picturesque fairytale, despite being evil. It had picturesque marble walls painted sky blue with purple polka dots. It had little blue shards of wood bound together for roofs, covered with bizarre pink hay thatch. The towers were considerably less menacing when each turret bore a small bust of a bunny.
"Quite an operation you've got going on here," murmured the golem wistfully, "I think you need to start using colors that aren't so," he paused, "So very, very pink."
"Lady Jenny likes pink," shot back the adorably cuddly voice of Pinkfluff, "She also has a soft spot for cerulean, white, and urple. No one can contend with her will now that she possesses the sword. Now, Astabunny, it is time for-"
"Excuse me," interrupted the golem, "Did you just say 'Astabunny?'"
"Your new name. So, as I was saying, it is time for you to lead the mighty hordes of Cutefuzzia to victory over this world and conquer every corner of the planet. The heavenly empire of Cutefuzzia has assembled this great army of bunny warriors and great puffleslashers for you to lead!"
"Puffleslashers?" groaned Astar- I mean Astabunny.
"Those things in the back." Pinkfluff raised and adorable jagged talon to point.
Astaroth's livid eyes fell upon the few ranks behind all the half-man-half- bunny warriors. There, in all their urple glory, stood great big balls of fuzz with bat wings and a bunch of nasty looking scimitars sprouting out of their incredibly cute sides. They had little specks embedded in their fuzz that were probably eyes of some sort.
"Oh, those. Right. So what do I have to do exactly?"
"Simple, Lord Astabunny. You must go out into this new world and slay all those who oppose you. Every hero and villain and randomly inserted person who stands in the way of Cutefuzzia!"
"Yeah, sure, what the hell. I no longer have anything to lose." Murmured a dejected golem-rabbit hybrid. He surveyed the troops. It was indeed quite a line up.
In front, menacing bunny spearmen, their pink blade gleaming with malice and the urple bows and ribbons in their hair fluttering in the wind. They held aloft a number of heralding banners with the heraldic device of Cutefuzzia blazoned on them, the ever-creepy red heart surrounded by blue stars on a pink background. Behind the spearmen lurked stealth ninja bunnies armed with bunnizashis, large white katanas with little panda cartoons engraved up and down the blades.
Beyond them strode mighty German bunnischneckts, the warriors who hauled around outrageously large pickles, painted a truly unholy color and carefully cut to resemble two-handed zweihander swords. Mingling with the bunnischneckts were the bunnyserkers, really incredibly muscle-bound warrior rabbits who would've looked a lot more imposing if they were toting something scarier than foam-laced clubs that resemble those things you use in the 'Whack-a-Mole' games.
Then, at last, the puffleslasher hordes, brimming like a bowl of vomitous pink soup way in the back. Astar- Oh, you know, I mean Astabunny, Lord Astabunny the Evil, grumbled silently to himself as he looked around at the horizon. He had noticed a while ago that the sky was now a feverish red in color and that the sun was (come on, just guess what I'm going to say. GUESS!) pink (Hell yes, you guessed it! You get a cookie!).
"Where's my ax?" muttered Astabunny, exasperated.
"Right here." Replied Pinkfluff, almost chuckling as he drew the refined weapon from somewhere in the depths of his really-to-big-for-a-rabbit pocket.
"-so I was just battling along and some upstart stick decides it can beat it me and, oh the nerve of that bloody thing, makes me so mad when a nonmetal thinks it can challenge me, I mean think about it, isn't that outrageous? I certainly think so and-"
"Shut up, ax." said Astabunny, more curtly than before.
"It's Swax, I prefer to be called Swax. Not quite sword, not quite ax, Swax."
The sword, ax, and swax (or axrd, as it might be known) was right about being not quite a sword and not quite an ax. Soul Edge, the overly talkative sword, and Kulutues, the mute inanimate ax, had merged. Now Astabunny held in his hands a big ax with an eyeball covered in multicolored ribbons.
"Ok, let me rephrase that: Shut up, Swax."
"Fine." Said the swax disdainfully.
Astabunny was suddenly to busy to notice the swax's disdain as he overlooked his new weapon. The ribbons obviously stood out as he'd first seen it, but upon further inspection he came to a more painful realization.
"THE EYE OF SOUL EDGE!" cried Astabunny in horror.
The eye of Soul Edge, formerly very menacing, was now a very large, very blue, limpid pool of stunning Bambiness. In other words, it was a Bambi Eye, the cute retina of cuteness that seduces so many so easily.
"I'm supposed to conquer the world with this?!"
"In all honesty, yes." Pinkfluff's voice was just too cute to disagree with, "I wouldn't worry, though. Everything is altered, the sword, the world, everything. It has all been altered to accommodate Milady Jenny."
Suddenly, a rather caustic thought hit Astabunny. "If the whole world is altered, couldn't all the warriors you mentioned just have been poofed out of existence or something?"
Pinkfluff gave an exasperated but still adorable sigh. "We're bunnies, right?" Astabunny nodded, "This is a world of bunnies now, right?" another nod, "Well, IT'S A DAMN PLOT BUNNY, YOU DOLT!"
"Like a literary plot hole?" suggested the bunny-golem.
"And here I was thinking you were an idiot. Yes, a plot hole. Plot bunnies frolic everywhere now, wreaking havoc on the actual storyline. Point is, there would be no story if Cutefuzzia just won. That's why plot bunnies have us screwed."
"Ok, that's not a good mental image."
"Sorry, but I had to get the point across. These plot bunnies cannot randomly kill off your opponents, but they can alter them, as they have with the rest of the world, in horribly evil (but still very cute) ways. They're extremely evil, you know."
"I'm not quite sure I understand." Astabunny scratched his head ponderously with the swax.
"Here, I'll show you." Pinkfluff produced (from that really-to-big-for-a- rabbit pocket of his) a gleaming orb of pure pink. It was so pink that it momentarily blinded the golem attempting and miserably failing to look at it.
"Look into it." Said Pinkfluff, both adorably and curtly.
"I can't even look AT it!" retorted the golem-bunny, trying in vain to scratch his eyes out.
"C'mon, look. What do you see?"
Astabunny stared blankly into the orb.
"Holy hell. Plot bunnies really are evil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a brief summary of what Astabunny was looking at:
(The following Italian stereotype is perfectly legitimate since I am 50% Italian in my own right. I have had the great misfortune to know that the following mental image is a mental image shared by most other Italians, besides our blind/deaf/mute friend)
'Spaghetti is good' thought Voldo in his sleep, 'Spaghetti is very, very good. Must have spaghetti. Where did spaghetti go? Me wantee, me no havee, Voldo want pasta.'
This was not a particularly normal thought to be going through the mind of a certain blind, deaf, mute Italian who was currently sleeping in what had once been a very murky cave. Voldo's eyes fluttered open, not that this helped considering he was blind and blindfolded by pointless leather straps. What an irritating costume.
He sat up, his body swaying like a branch in the wind as it always did. He looked around, again to no effect since he could not see what he was looking at.
Somehow, despite not being able to see anything, Voldo knew something was extremely wrong.
And, unfortunately for Voldo, he was extremely right.
The Money Pit, where Voldo currently was, was no longer money-filled or, for that matter, a pit. A more appropriate name would've been "Barbie and Ken's Lakeside Getaway," considering the new look of it.
It had the look of a Christopher Lowell-designed scenic townhouse, with checkered beige wallpaper and lots of plush lounge chairs. There were some modernist lava lamps sitting on tables in every corner and suspended in random places on the extremely low ceiling. There was a comfortable couch behind Voldo, which he apparently had been sleeping on, and a nice blue rug beneath him with a layer of shag carpeting stretched over the floor.
Of course, the crowning glory of the room lay at the other end. A giant golden statue (painted urple, of course) of a particularly cuddly bunny.
"Oh shit."
For the first time in 30 years, words came out of Voldo's unused mouth.
"What the hell? I can talk? I CAN TALK! ICANTALKICANTALKICAN-"
He stopped, suddenly realizing several things. He could also hear and see, which was very nice, but didn't make him feel any better. His voice was not the voice he'd had 30 years ago.
Question for the reader: Have you ever heard that revolting feminist sound that comes out of the "Princess Barbie who actually speaks" figurine? Well, that is exactly what Voldo sounded like.
Using his completely neglected eyes, which took a second to actually peel open, he looked down instinctively and shrieked like a 5-year old girl.
His thighs...should probably not be described to readers if this is to remain PG-13.
"Alright," thought Voldo aloud, "There is something wrong. Something so painfully wrong its just too wrong to even be wrong. Oh so wrong." He trailed off.
"Well, at least Spaghetti is good."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shit, that's evil. That's really evil. That's just dastardly, outrageously evil." Muttered Astabunny.
"Ok, ok, I get the point; plot bunnies are evil." Retorted Pinkfluff.
"They're just so evil, so so evil, so so so so so evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil."
"Shut up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 3 – Future Syndrome, Coming Soon TO! Note to self: Don't type the whole bloody story in advance.
CHAPTER 2 – BAMBI EYES AND BARBIE THIGHS
The world, formerly known as Earth, now under the sole rulership of Cutefuzzia, the heavenly kingdom belonging to Ares' little sister, is doomed. Strangely enough, despite being doomed and eternally altered to the grotesque pink whims of Jenny, Goddess of Fuzzy Evil, there are still heroes left in the world.
Pink was all Astaroth could see. Pink as far as the horizon stretched. Horrible, disgusting, oodles of pink. So much pink, in fact, that Astaroth felt like vomiting pink vomit and crying pink tears and eating pink food and just plain thinking pink.
In actuality, there was also a good amount of cerulean, white, and some urple (not entirely purple). The grand army of Cutefuzzia stood in perfect bunny formation on the plateau outside what was left of Castle Mickelheim. Using divine powers, Pinkfluff, Captain of Cutefuzzia, had given the stingy old fortress a nice makeover during the night, while Astaroth, newly outfitted in a bunny suit, slept in his king-size bed. The castle was now something out of a picturesque fairytale, despite being evil. It had picturesque marble walls painted sky blue with purple polka dots. It had little blue shards of wood bound together for roofs, covered with bizarre pink hay thatch. The towers were considerably less menacing when each turret bore a small bust of a bunny.
"Quite an operation you've got going on here," murmured the golem wistfully, "I think you need to start using colors that aren't so," he paused, "So very, very pink."
"Lady Jenny likes pink," shot back the adorably cuddly voice of Pinkfluff, "She also has a soft spot for cerulean, white, and urple. No one can contend with her will now that she possesses the sword. Now, Astabunny, it is time for-"
"Excuse me," interrupted the golem, "Did you just say 'Astabunny?'"
"Your new name. So, as I was saying, it is time for you to lead the mighty hordes of Cutefuzzia to victory over this world and conquer every corner of the planet. The heavenly empire of Cutefuzzia has assembled this great army of bunny warriors and great puffleslashers for you to lead!"
"Puffleslashers?" groaned Astar- I mean Astabunny.
"Those things in the back." Pinkfluff raised and adorable jagged talon to point.
Astaroth's livid eyes fell upon the few ranks behind all the half-man-half- bunny warriors. There, in all their urple glory, stood great big balls of fuzz with bat wings and a bunch of nasty looking scimitars sprouting out of their incredibly cute sides. They had little specks embedded in their fuzz that were probably eyes of some sort.
"Oh, those. Right. So what do I have to do exactly?"
"Simple, Lord Astabunny. You must go out into this new world and slay all those who oppose you. Every hero and villain and randomly inserted person who stands in the way of Cutefuzzia!"
"Yeah, sure, what the hell. I no longer have anything to lose." Murmured a dejected golem-rabbit hybrid. He surveyed the troops. It was indeed quite a line up.
In front, menacing bunny spearmen, their pink blade gleaming with malice and the urple bows and ribbons in their hair fluttering in the wind. They held aloft a number of heralding banners with the heraldic device of Cutefuzzia blazoned on them, the ever-creepy red heart surrounded by blue stars on a pink background. Behind the spearmen lurked stealth ninja bunnies armed with bunnizashis, large white katanas with little panda cartoons engraved up and down the blades.
Beyond them strode mighty German bunnischneckts, the warriors who hauled around outrageously large pickles, painted a truly unholy color and carefully cut to resemble two-handed zweihander swords. Mingling with the bunnischneckts were the bunnyserkers, really incredibly muscle-bound warrior rabbits who would've looked a lot more imposing if they were toting something scarier than foam-laced clubs that resemble those things you use in the 'Whack-a-Mole' games.
Then, at last, the puffleslasher hordes, brimming like a bowl of vomitous pink soup way in the back. Astar- Oh, you know, I mean Astabunny, Lord Astabunny the Evil, grumbled silently to himself as he looked around at the horizon. He had noticed a while ago that the sky was now a feverish red in color and that the sun was (come on, just guess what I'm going to say. GUESS!) pink (Hell yes, you guessed it! You get a cookie!).
"Where's my ax?" muttered Astabunny, exasperated.
"Right here." Replied Pinkfluff, almost chuckling as he drew the refined weapon from somewhere in the depths of his really-to-big-for-a-rabbit pocket.
"-so I was just battling along and some upstart stick decides it can beat it me and, oh the nerve of that bloody thing, makes me so mad when a nonmetal thinks it can challenge me, I mean think about it, isn't that outrageous? I certainly think so and-"
"Shut up, ax." said Astabunny, more curtly than before.
"It's Swax, I prefer to be called Swax. Not quite sword, not quite ax, Swax."
The sword, ax, and swax (or axrd, as it might be known) was right about being not quite a sword and not quite an ax. Soul Edge, the overly talkative sword, and Kulutues, the mute inanimate ax, had merged. Now Astabunny held in his hands a big ax with an eyeball covered in multicolored ribbons.
"Ok, let me rephrase that: Shut up, Swax."
"Fine." Said the swax disdainfully.
Astabunny was suddenly to busy to notice the swax's disdain as he overlooked his new weapon. The ribbons obviously stood out as he'd first seen it, but upon further inspection he came to a more painful realization.
"THE EYE OF SOUL EDGE!" cried Astabunny in horror.
The eye of Soul Edge, formerly very menacing, was now a very large, very blue, limpid pool of stunning Bambiness. In other words, it was a Bambi Eye, the cute retina of cuteness that seduces so many so easily.
"I'm supposed to conquer the world with this?!"
"In all honesty, yes." Pinkfluff's voice was just too cute to disagree with, "I wouldn't worry, though. Everything is altered, the sword, the world, everything. It has all been altered to accommodate Milady Jenny."
Suddenly, a rather caustic thought hit Astabunny. "If the whole world is altered, couldn't all the warriors you mentioned just have been poofed out of existence or something?"
Pinkfluff gave an exasperated but still adorable sigh. "We're bunnies, right?" Astabunny nodded, "This is a world of bunnies now, right?" another nod, "Well, IT'S A DAMN PLOT BUNNY, YOU DOLT!"
"Like a literary plot hole?" suggested the bunny-golem.
"And here I was thinking you were an idiot. Yes, a plot hole. Plot bunnies frolic everywhere now, wreaking havoc on the actual storyline. Point is, there would be no story if Cutefuzzia just won. That's why plot bunnies have us screwed."
"Ok, that's not a good mental image."
"Sorry, but I had to get the point across. These plot bunnies cannot randomly kill off your opponents, but they can alter them, as they have with the rest of the world, in horribly evil (but still very cute) ways. They're extremely evil, you know."
"I'm not quite sure I understand." Astabunny scratched his head ponderously with the swax.
"Here, I'll show you." Pinkfluff produced (from that really-to-big-for-a- rabbit pocket of his) a gleaming orb of pure pink. It was so pink that it momentarily blinded the golem attempting and miserably failing to look at it.
"Look into it." Said Pinkfluff, both adorably and curtly.
"I can't even look AT it!" retorted the golem-bunny, trying in vain to scratch his eyes out.
"C'mon, look. What do you see?"
Astabunny stared blankly into the orb.
"Holy hell. Plot bunnies really are evil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a brief summary of what Astabunny was looking at:
(The following Italian stereotype is perfectly legitimate since I am 50% Italian in my own right. I have had the great misfortune to know that the following mental image is a mental image shared by most other Italians, besides our blind/deaf/mute friend)
'Spaghetti is good' thought Voldo in his sleep, 'Spaghetti is very, very good. Must have spaghetti. Where did spaghetti go? Me wantee, me no havee, Voldo want pasta.'
This was not a particularly normal thought to be going through the mind of a certain blind, deaf, mute Italian who was currently sleeping in what had once been a very murky cave. Voldo's eyes fluttered open, not that this helped considering he was blind and blindfolded by pointless leather straps. What an irritating costume.
He sat up, his body swaying like a branch in the wind as it always did. He looked around, again to no effect since he could not see what he was looking at.
Somehow, despite not being able to see anything, Voldo knew something was extremely wrong.
And, unfortunately for Voldo, he was extremely right.
The Money Pit, where Voldo currently was, was no longer money-filled or, for that matter, a pit. A more appropriate name would've been "Barbie and Ken's Lakeside Getaway," considering the new look of it.
It had the look of a Christopher Lowell-designed scenic townhouse, with checkered beige wallpaper and lots of plush lounge chairs. There were some modernist lava lamps sitting on tables in every corner and suspended in random places on the extremely low ceiling. There was a comfortable couch behind Voldo, which he apparently had been sleeping on, and a nice blue rug beneath him with a layer of shag carpeting stretched over the floor.
Of course, the crowning glory of the room lay at the other end. A giant golden statue (painted urple, of course) of a particularly cuddly bunny.
"Oh shit."
For the first time in 30 years, words came out of Voldo's unused mouth.
"What the hell? I can talk? I CAN TALK! ICANTALKICANTALKICAN-"
He stopped, suddenly realizing several things. He could also hear and see, which was very nice, but didn't make him feel any better. His voice was not the voice he'd had 30 years ago.
Question for the reader: Have you ever heard that revolting feminist sound that comes out of the "Princess Barbie who actually speaks" figurine? Well, that is exactly what Voldo sounded like.
Using his completely neglected eyes, which took a second to actually peel open, he looked down instinctively and shrieked like a 5-year old girl.
His thighs...should probably not be described to readers if this is to remain PG-13.
"Alright," thought Voldo aloud, "There is something wrong. Something so painfully wrong its just too wrong to even be wrong. Oh so wrong." He trailed off.
"Well, at least Spaghetti is good."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shit, that's evil. That's really evil. That's just dastardly, outrageously evil." Muttered Astabunny.
"Ok, ok, I get the point; plot bunnies are evil." Retorted Pinkfluff.
"They're just so evil, so so evil, so so so so so evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil."
"Shut up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 3 – Future Syndrome, Coming Soon TO! Note to self: Don't type the whole bloody story in advance.
