Disclaimer: No I don't own SC2. I probably don't own plot bunnies or yellow
toads either. There is another character in here I certainly don't own, but
only an idiot would think I did.
Note: In case people didn't figure it out, a majority of the spelling/grammatical errors in the last chapter were intentional...just making sure you got that.
Second Note: This chapter may not be as funny as other chapters, but that's because I need to get across a lot of information that will start molding the future funniness of the storyline.
CHAPTER 6 – EVIL UBERNESS AND ITS WAYS
Though this could be considered completely irrelevant, I will say it anyway...
In Austin, Texas, in the year 2004, the Security Administrators of a small banking firm were having major problem analyzing the building networks. They finally created a computerized tool which could help them and used it each day from that day forward, unto the ending of the world.
That device was called the Security Administrators Tool for Analyzing Networks...
Since it was such a long name for such a small tool, it was reverted into an acronym.
If one were more philosophical, one would've realized who's really created the Security Administrators Tool for Analyzing Networks...think about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Might I ask where we're going exactly?
"Me no tll u now!!1!!" said the croaking voice with amazing enthusiasm. For good measure it added "OMG!" about a second later.
"It would really be nice to know." Grumbled Voldo, who was actually starting to enjoy all of the strange thoughts coursing through his brain.
"WE R HER!!!LOL1!!!!1!!!one!!!!1!!!one!"
Despite being "there," it still took half an hour for Taki, Mitsurugi, and Voldo to recover from the devastating effects of the toads deafening bellow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taki's eyes shot open very suddenly when a sound that was almost as loud (but not half as painful) as the yellow toad croaking. It sounded vaguely like a hellish bullhorn that was being held right beside her ear, which wasn't very pleasant to hear. The ninja jumped up, accidentally following through with a flawless triple somersault before landing on one leg.
Somewhere in the shadows of the room she was in, someone held up a sign that said "9.8." Usually, signs don't say anything, since they're inanimate objects, but this sign was very talkative.
From behind her, Taki heard and eerie noise...which was only magnified in eeriness when she turned around.
She wasn't sure at first what she saw standing, or quite possibly floating, behind her. She was very sure it wasn't a yellow toad, considering the pure and unmitigated blackness that was fairly radiating from it. It was not large at all. Actually, if Taki's eyes hadn't taken to lying to their owner, the shadowy figure was barely half her size. He was plenty ominous, creepy, scary, freaky, and other stuff, but still not very tall.
"Glad to see you're awake." said a voice from within the floating shadow.
"Umm...yeah...Who exactly are-"
"I have a lot of names. Honestly, I don't think you're entirely capable of memorizing them all. I can't even pronounce a good third of them...and those are just the human ones."
"Just give me a general idea." Said the ninja glumly.
The shadow sighed a very evil sigh and began.
"You can call me Pluto, Beelzebub, Huitzupochtli, Hades, Jormungand, Surter, Morthaur, Amatsu Mikaboshi, Ulupoka, Chu Jong, Skatha, Morrigan, Kali, Ereshkigal, Tiamat, Satan, Lucifer, or even Old Horny (if you're from West Virginia)."
Taki considered for a long and painful moment while the shadow twiddled its shadowy thumbs.
"So...you're the devil?" She asked, getting straight to the point.
"Of course not," replied the shadow calmly, "Those are just names I've been given. I'm, more specifically, the incarnation of all evil on this planet. People often seek to find names for that evil, hence all the titles. You should hear some of things animals call me. I jaguar once stubbed its toe and called that the ultimate evil, so one of my less well known names is actually 'Stubbed Toe' in jaguarspeak."
"That's...very interesting, I suppose. Why am I here? Why are you here?"
"It's a very long and complicated story...Would you like to hear it?" said the shadow eagerly.
"Fine." grumbled the ninja, sitting on a chair which wasn't really there.
"Alright, I'll start from the beginning...Ok, it's not really the beginning, but I've always wanted to say that. You see, I am this world's view of all true evil; the evilest evil there is. There are a lot of lesser evils, like the evil of a bad hair day or the evil of a rabid lemur. I am over all these evils, they are all a small part of me. There is one evil, though, that has become a greater, more powerful part of me. That evil is the evil that has overtaken this world right now."
"You mean Voldo's fashion sense and the pink?"
"Yes, that. Very perceptive, you are. Alright, on with the story then. This evil is the evil that is part of the Euro-Evil Corps, Greek Division, Olympian Pantheon, Sub-Division Alpha, Section 5.8986376. She is the Deity of Pink, Fuzzy, Cute Evil; The kind of evil that flows through you when you see a rabbit that is just too cute to be good, and therefore must be an agent of evil."
"Ok, I think I follow you."
"Don't follow me. Stalking is evil, that's my department. Point is, this evil, which goes by the name of Jenny, has come by an incredible amount of power. Usually, I would be fine with some evil deity becoming all-powerful, but her evil is evil even for me, the ultimate evil. Pink isn't really evil, it's just wrong, sick and wrong. None of the countless evils of the universe like Jenny, for obvious reasons."
"Could you get to the point, please?"
"NEVER RUSH THE ULTIMATE EVIL!" roared the shadow, drawing itself up to its full height (which, incidentally, wasn't very tall), "AM I BORING YOU, HMM? WELL, GOOD! I'M EVIL AND BORINGNESS IS EVIL! UNDERSTAND?!"
Taki gulped and nodded. Even though the floating shadow was still smaller than her, it was pretty imposing when it spoke loudly.
"Ok, where was I? Oh yes, the countless evils of the universe. So, no evil likes Jenny, because of the pinkness and the cuteness. Now that she's taken over the world and plunged it into pinkness, it's the job of all other evils to get it back from her pink clutches and plunge it into darkness."
"So, that still doesn't explain why I'm here...wherever 'here' is."
"You're here because I had my yellow toad bring you, an your two 'companions.' One should know that the yellow toad spouting incomprehensible netspeak is the polar opposite of a rhyming pink bunny. That's why I sent him, to conquer that plot bunny that was about to do horrible, horrible (not evil, horrible) things to you."
"WHY AM I HERE? JUST TELL ME!"
The shadow grumbled silently and spoke again, "You're here because I need you and your brethren to do something for me. Evil deities cannot do anything on Earth, but we can get others to do it for us. I chose you, the mercenary, and the other...umm...person, to re-conquer the world for the side of true evil."
"What in hell makes you think I would agree to that?"
"Firstly, don't say 'hell,' it's an inaccurate derogatory term about my summer home which some idiot invented. Secondly, I know you won't agree to it. That's why I'm putting you three through merciless and rigorous Evil Uberness Training Classes for the next three weeks. You'll be molded into the perfect supervillain warriors of supreme and utter darkness after a few harsh lessons. Upon completion of the course, you will be my Trinity of Evil Uberness, wreaking havoc on the pinkness of the world. Sooo...that sound good to you?"
"Well, no, but I assume there's nothing I can do about it."
"Smart girl."
And the world went black, which was very, very relieving for Taki.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 7 – Of Pickles and Copyright Infringement, Coming Soon.
Note: In case people didn't figure it out, a majority of the spelling/grammatical errors in the last chapter were intentional...just making sure you got that.
Second Note: This chapter may not be as funny as other chapters, but that's because I need to get across a lot of information that will start molding the future funniness of the storyline.
CHAPTER 6 – EVIL UBERNESS AND ITS WAYS
Though this could be considered completely irrelevant, I will say it anyway...
In Austin, Texas, in the year 2004, the Security Administrators of a small banking firm were having major problem analyzing the building networks. They finally created a computerized tool which could help them and used it each day from that day forward, unto the ending of the world.
That device was called the Security Administrators Tool for Analyzing Networks...
Since it was such a long name for such a small tool, it was reverted into an acronym.
If one were more philosophical, one would've realized who's really created the Security Administrators Tool for Analyzing Networks...think about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Might I ask where we're going exactly?
"Me no tll u now!!1!!" said the croaking voice with amazing enthusiasm. For good measure it added "OMG!" about a second later.
"It would really be nice to know." Grumbled Voldo, who was actually starting to enjoy all of the strange thoughts coursing through his brain.
"WE R HER!!!LOL1!!!!1!!!one!!!!1!!!one!"
Despite being "there," it still took half an hour for Taki, Mitsurugi, and Voldo to recover from the devastating effects of the toads deafening bellow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taki's eyes shot open very suddenly when a sound that was almost as loud (but not half as painful) as the yellow toad croaking. It sounded vaguely like a hellish bullhorn that was being held right beside her ear, which wasn't very pleasant to hear. The ninja jumped up, accidentally following through with a flawless triple somersault before landing on one leg.
Somewhere in the shadows of the room she was in, someone held up a sign that said "9.8." Usually, signs don't say anything, since they're inanimate objects, but this sign was very talkative.
From behind her, Taki heard and eerie noise...which was only magnified in eeriness when she turned around.
She wasn't sure at first what she saw standing, or quite possibly floating, behind her. She was very sure it wasn't a yellow toad, considering the pure and unmitigated blackness that was fairly radiating from it. It was not large at all. Actually, if Taki's eyes hadn't taken to lying to their owner, the shadowy figure was barely half her size. He was plenty ominous, creepy, scary, freaky, and other stuff, but still not very tall.
"Glad to see you're awake." said a voice from within the floating shadow.
"Umm...yeah...Who exactly are-"
"I have a lot of names. Honestly, I don't think you're entirely capable of memorizing them all. I can't even pronounce a good third of them...and those are just the human ones."
"Just give me a general idea." Said the ninja glumly.
The shadow sighed a very evil sigh and began.
"You can call me Pluto, Beelzebub, Huitzupochtli, Hades, Jormungand, Surter, Morthaur, Amatsu Mikaboshi, Ulupoka, Chu Jong, Skatha, Morrigan, Kali, Ereshkigal, Tiamat, Satan, Lucifer, or even Old Horny (if you're from West Virginia)."
Taki considered for a long and painful moment while the shadow twiddled its shadowy thumbs.
"So...you're the devil?" She asked, getting straight to the point.
"Of course not," replied the shadow calmly, "Those are just names I've been given. I'm, more specifically, the incarnation of all evil on this planet. People often seek to find names for that evil, hence all the titles. You should hear some of things animals call me. I jaguar once stubbed its toe and called that the ultimate evil, so one of my less well known names is actually 'Stubbed Toe' in jaguarspeak."
"That's...very interesting, I suppose. Why am I here? Why are you here?"
"It's a very long and complicated story...Would you like to hear it?" said the shadow eagerly.
"Fine." grumbled the ninja, sitting on a chair which wasn't really there.
"Alright, I'll start from the beginning...Ok, it's not really the beginning, but I've always wanted to say that. You see, I am this world's view of all true evil; the evilest evil there is. There are a lot of lesser evils, like the evil of a bad hair day or the evil of a rabid lemur. I am over all these evils, they are all a small part of me. There is one evil, though, that has become a greater, more powerful part of me. That evil is the evil that has overtaken this world right now."
"You mean Voldo's fashion sense and the pink?"
"Yes, that. Very perceptive, you are. Alright, on with the story then. This evil is the evil that is part of the Euro-Evil Corps, Greek Division, Olympian Pantheon, Sub-Division Alpha, Section 5.8986376. She is the Deity of Pink, Fuzzy, Cute Evil; The kind of evil that flows through you when you see a rabbit that is just too cute to be good, and therefore must be an agent of evil."
"Ok, I think I follow you."
"Don't follow me. Stalking is evil, that's my department. Point is, this evil, which goes by the name of Jenny, has come by an incredible amount of power. Usually, I would be fine with some evil deity becoming all-powerful, but her evil is evil even for me, the ultimate evil. Pink isn't really evil, it's just wrong, sick and wrong. None of the countless evils of the universe like Jenny, for obvious reasons."
"Could you get to the point, please?"
"NEVER RUSH THE ULTIMATE EVIL!" roared the shadow, drawing itself up to its full height (which, incidentally, wasn't very tall), "AM I BORING YOU, HMM? WELL, GOOD! I'M EVIL AND BORINGNESS IS EVIL! UNDERSTAND?!"
Taki gulped and nodded. Even though the floating shadow was still smaller than her, it was pretty imposing when it spoke loudly.
"Ok, where was I? Oh yes, the countless evils of the universe. So, no evil likes Jenny, because of the pinkness and the cuteness. Now that she's taken over the world and plunged it into pinkness, it's the job of all other evils to get it back from her pink clutches and plunge it into darkness."
"So, that still doesn't explain why I'm here...wherever 'here' is."
"You're here because I had my yellow toad bring you, an your two 'companions.' One should know that the yellow toad spouting incomprehensible netspeak is the polar opposite of a rhyming pink bunny. That's why I sent him, to conquer that plot bunny that was about to do horrible, horrible (not evil, horrible) things to you."
"WHY AM I HERE? JUST TELL ME!"
The shadow grumbled silently and spoke again, "You're here because I need you and your brethren to do something for me. Evil deities cannot do anything on Earth, but we can get others to do it for us. I chose you, the mercenary, and the other...umm...person, to re-conquer the world for the side of true evil."
"What in hell makes you think I would agree to that?"
"Firstly, don't say 'hell,' it's an inaccurate derogatory term about my summer home which some idiot invented. Secondly, I know you won't agree to it. That's why I'm putting you three through merciless and rigorous Evil Uberness Training Classes for the next three weeks. You'll be molded into the perfect supervillain warriors of supreme and utter darkness after a few harsh lessons. Upon completion of the course, you will be my Trinity of Evil Uberness, wreaking havoc on the pinkness of the world. Sooo...that sound good to you?"
"Well, no, but I assume there's nothing I can do about it."
"Smart girl."
And the world went black, which was very, very relieving for Taki.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 7 – Of Pickles and Copyright Infringement, Coming Soon.
