AN: this feels kind of unfinished…but it's all I seemed inspired to write. Sorry it took me so long to update, but my OC muses (as well as most of my others) seemed to have taken a holiday and left me in the care of several Harry Potter plot bunnies *shrug* So anyway, without further rambling-Ryan's thoughts (mostly about Marissa) at bed time:
Ryan
******************
I found silence in this space
An on and off again attraction
I need such amazing grace
Heaven sweep me away
But oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby
Oh how I wish you could own me
******************
I watch her as she lies down beside me. She moves like it's the hardest thing in the world just to bend a knee, an elbow.
I know what happened in the little radio waves of her cell phone, the reason why even breathing seems too hard to do. And I want to say something, tell her anything to make some of that pain disappear. Instead, I bite my lip till it bleeds, the metallic tang sharp in my mouth.
She's hurt.
I'd give anything just to reach out and hold her. But I'm afraid I'll break her if I do.
She's fragile, transparent--and watching her like this is like watching an angel roll in the dirt.
She deserves more than what she's got. She deserves a father who hasn't embezzled millions, a mother who actually gives a damn, and a boyfriend that isn't a 'water polo bitch.' See, just like I know her parents are divorcing, I know that she's given herself away to Luke. And I know that there's no way that he understands what she's sacrificed to him.
I do.
I understand because…
Well because I've sacrificed myself as well. Maybe not the same way, but in Chino, innocence and purity are the first things to go. I understand Marissa because my parents are no where near June and Ward Cleaver and not even close to Kirsten and Sandy Cohen.
Marissa might've had the money, but our lives are becoming parallel.
For her, a few weeks ago everything was fine - now it's all falling apart. I know about falling apart. I've lived 'falling apart' for the last decade of my life. Things have started to get better for me lately, just as things for her have started to get worse. So while she's falling, I'm rising-and just like she and Seth were there for me during the whole model house thing, I want to be there for her.
Looking over at her, she looks like she's asleep, only I know she's not…
It should be the easiest thing in the world to reach over and touch her shoulder, let her know that she's not as alone as she thinks.
But I can't.
