Marissa

***

I feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes

I've been changing – think it's funny how no one knows

We don't talk about – the little things that we do without

When that whole mad season comes around

***

I hate him I hate him I hate him…

God, I don't even know who I'm talking about.

My dad.

He's ruined everything.  Why did he have to be so stupid?  I don't want to be like Summer.  I don't want a stepmom or a stepdad.  I don't want a divorce.  I know we weren't a perfect family, but we were close enough.

Luke.

I can't believe I slept with him.  And he was happy about it.  He thought I loved him.  He shouldn't be so trusting.  He should know better.

Ryan.

Ever since he showed up, everything has been crazy.  I almost wish he would go back to Chino.  That he never came to Newport in the first place.  Then there wouldn't be any stupid model house and I wouldn't have found out about my dad.  Living in the dark is better.  And him and Seth's grandpa's girlfriend – I wouldn't have had sex with Luke.  I wouldn't have…I wouldn't have…

Oh God, it's my fault.

My fault.

I don't hate Luke or Ryan or even my dad -

I hate myself.