Existence, chapter 4

By Carolyn, Carolyn984@aol.com

"And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

All I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

'Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight. . ." –Goo Goo Dolls

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As if the heavens bore witness to the disastrous events that had just taken place, the sky began to darken ominously. Heavy black clouds thickened the previously light air, and thunder crackled in the near distance. It would not be long now.

She has collapsed onto the ground, her eyes wide with unmistakable fear and disbelief. I can tell by the way she is looking back and forth so rapidly that she is trying to think of something to do. If only there was something.

"No. . . Jesse. He can't be. . . not again. . . no, please," she murmurs almost incoherently. This is becoming painful for me to watch. . . seeing my Susannah so crushed, when just moments earlier, she was talking and joking with me. I realize that this must be like when I was forced away that once before. She had to deal with this once already. Now, again, she will be broken.

I almost cannot stand to watch, but I cannot leave her. I could never leave her.

Even if she cannot see me.

Suddenly, she looks up and gasps. For an instant, I am filled with hope that maybe whatever curse Paul Slater had created was broken, but when she continues to stare straight ahead, I realize that she is still seeing through me. Only it appears she has become conscious of something. She crawls to her feet.

"You. . . you're still here. He. . . he said you were still here! Jesse! Please! Let me know you're still here!"

"Querida. . . Susannah, I've tried," I say despondently, although I know she cannot hear me. This is excruciating for me—I don't know what to do.

Lightning crackles outside, and rain begins to pour down in heavy sheets.

"Jesse! Let me know you're here! Please!" her voice shakes with fear and sadness. She reaches out her hand. With a shuddering breath and a tear- stained face, she pleads, "Show me you're here. . ."

I reach out to take her hand. As before, it passes through.

But at the same moment my ghostly hand touched hers, I saw something in her eyes. Recognition. She felt it, somehow.

"Yes. . . that was you, wasn't it? I felt it. . . it was just. . ." she appears as if she does not want to say. Instantly, she looks crestfallen. ". . . it was just. . . cold."

Cold. . .

Then, as if to be sure, she runs over to the window and slams it shut, forcing out the wild, damp winds that were trespassing. Then she walks over to where she was before, wiping endless tears from her stunning eyes.

"Again," she says, extending her hand slightly. "Do it again. I need to know that was you, and. . . and not the wind."

I oblige. Her breath catches. She felt it.

And instantly, she bursts into tears. Susannah falls to the floor once again, her whole body shaking with uncontrollable sobs. As if the whole world had just broken before her eyes.

Thunder crashes after a brilliant bolt of lightning, and suddenly we are shrouded in darkness. Now that the electricity has shorted out, the only sounds are that of the raindrops pounding the roof, and the voice of her stepbrother stating the obvious.

I vaguely hear him, Brad, shuffle down the hallway saying, "Hey, the power went out," when Susannah abruptly stands up. She looks fanatical and distraught. She dashes over to the window, this time hauling it open again. In between sobs that make it difficult to understand her, she says, "Jesse, come with me," and climbs out onto the porch roof. Lightning illuminates her long shimmering hair, dampened with the first drops of precipitation, and Susannah leaps off onto the puddled ground.

I don't know what she is doing, but I have no choice but to follow her. I put my hand on her shoulder so she knows I am there, but with all the rain pounding around her, I don't know if she feels me.

"Come with me," she cries again, and begins to run.

I wouldn't have thought to do otherwise. Doesn't she know I will always come with her? No matter what?

I am unsure now, however. I do not know what is happening—what I am sure will happen—but I do know that it cannot end happily. Not for Susannah.

And this thought hurts the most.

She is tearing down the empty streets, paying no mind to the sporadic unlucky souls who were outside enjoying the day before the storm hit, and who were now frantically rushing home, shielding their heads with whatever they could find.

Susannah does not bother. The rain, it seems, is the least of her worries.

Finally, we reach the pale sand of the Carmel shore, clumping up in tannish masses due to the moisture. Tiny indents freckle the ground where the raindrops hit, giving the sand a mottled appearance. It is dark now, from the ominous clouds. So dark. . .

There is no one left on the beach. Everyone has deserted it. Except us.

"Jesse," she breathes, her voice wavering. "Jesse. . . wh-what happened to us. . .?"

I wish I could answer her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and kiss her tears away.

But I cannot.

And it is a horrible pain to think it. I never will. Never again.

How can we make this right again? Is it possible?

No. . . even if there was some way I could return, we could never be safe again. Dangers would always lurk in the shadows, waiting to tear us apart again. . .

It seems there was always some force working against us. But we always found our way back. What makes this any different?

The rain is falling harder now, so heavily that it is difficult to see more than an arm's length in front of me. I step closer to her, so I can see her face, the face that made my existence worthwhile. It is soaked, but her tears are as prime a candidate for its wetness as is the falling rain.

I reach out and touch her chin, the tips of my fingers crossing through her skin. She draws a shaky, sorrowful breath, and whispers my name.

That is all. Just my name.

And the sound of it, the tone, crushes every nerve in my body.

I lean in, and gently kiss her perfect lips. Her eyes blink with both heartache and muted happiness as she senses it, and her lids close, covering her glorious emerald irises. If only I could dry her tears. . .

Suddenly I feel that pulling sensation again, and I know that it is time.

No, I want to say. Por favor. . . un momento mas. . .

That is all I have. One moment. . . one moment with the woman I love. . .

And it hits me. I never told her.

I am sure she knows, but. . . I never told her. How could I have not told her?!

Tears pour from her eyes when she opens them again, and they immediately go wide. I did not realize then why, though. She gasps and steps back in shock.

"Jesse!"

Then I know. She is looking at me—in my eyes! She sees me!

"Susannah! Querida. . ." She throws her arms around me, and for an instant, I think the spell is broken.

And then I feel the pull again. I am being torn away. . .

I don't have much time left.

I lift her face, sobbing, from my shoulder, and look deep into her magnificent eyes. "Susannah, listen to me. . ." She is shaking all over. "Susannah, I. . . I love you."

I did not say it alone, however. She said it, those three simple, earth- shattering words, at the same time as I did.

I pull her in and kiss her again, this time my lips actually touching hers. I feel the pull again. . .

It is like I am a candle, flickering out with the passing wind. . .

The rain has slowed, and it has left a horizon of glorious color in its wake.

"I love you," I say again. "Te amo. . ."

And then, I am gone.

The next thing I know, I am above her, watching her. She is crouched in the sand, tears streaming from her face. Her wails echo throughout the darkening evening sky, but only the crashing waves and swaying tree branches bear witness to the shattering of her vibrant spirit.

I wish I could stop them. . .

But I cannot. All I can do is watch her. Be her guardian.

Just as I have always been.

I thought that once I passed on, I would no longer exist. Now, however, I see that is not true. I am still very much real, but only in one place.

Her heart.

And that is the only place that matters.

She is still my existence.

Just as she has always been.

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"Kiss the rain, whenever you need me

Kiss the rain, whenever I'm gone too long

If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, kiss the rain

And wait for the dawn

Keep in mind we're under the same sky

And the nights are as empty for me as for you

If you feel you can't wait 'til morning

Kiss the rain. . ." –Billie Myers

Questions/Comments/Requests for tissues?

Send them to me at Carolyn984@aol.com!

2004 by Carolyn