Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews so far. This chapter is a sad peek into Steve's past, growing up with kids that can be cruel. ...(something I personally can relate to) I hope you get something out of this...whichever type of kid you were in school.
"Understanding Steven"
~Chapter Two~
Steve changes his shirt and goes to work behind the control desk, where he's been stationed for the past year and a half, except for the time he got to ride with Faith and on the rare occasion when they ask him to do a sketch. His job has been answering phones and filing reports that the other officers fill out. Tomorrow, he will be filling them out himself. Tomorrow he will have his own partner.
He loves the very essence of the word...Partner. It could mean girlfriend, wife, soul mate, buddy, friend, "best" friend...a partner. All of these things, he's never had...and always wanted.
Steve is the only child of Stanley and Stella Gusler. For the first nine years of their marriage, the Guslers tried desperately to have a baby. But because of Stanley's low sperm count, it just never happened. The couple resigned to the idea of adoption instead. After another two and a half years of waiting, their name came up on the list and then...Stella found out that she was pregnant. Pregnant with what she called her 'miracle baby'.
Stella took extra measures during her pregnancy, to ensure that there would be no complications. They bought and read every pre-natal care book there was, and followed them to the letter. She spent the last four months of her term in bed, being waited on diligently by her dutiful husband.
Even so, Steven Stanley Gusler, was born three weeks early and with a low birth weight. Stella watched over him cautiously from those first moments of his life until the day he announced that he was entering the academy. That announcement just about killed her. He remembers so clearly the day he told her, the day he made his first decision on his own, without her input.
She tried every ploy to talk him out of it. "That is absolutely out of the question...(Matronly) That job is too dangerous for you...(Through tears) You are not brave enough or strong enough to be a policeman...(Angrily) I forbid it...(Forcefully) Do you hear me Steven? I forbid it."
"Did you hear me Steve?"
Gusler looked up from his memory to find Faith standing at the control desk.
"Is everything ok?" She can see that he is deep in thought.
"Yah...everything is great. I was just thinken about what the Lieutenant told me. You know when he called me into his office." He drops a hint for her to ask him about it.
"You didn't get yourself into any trouble did ya?" She asks in a teasing way.
"No...Lieu wanted to ask me something...he needs my help."
"Ahh...well...that's good for you, huh? So...can I have the accident sheets I asked for?"
"Oh...sure." As he searches for them under the counter, he tries to tell her his good news, but Bosco walks up and interrupts. Asshole...always in Steve's way when he tries to talk to Faith. Like he owns her.
"Faith...get another ticket book too. And don't stand around talking, I'm gonna be waiting for you in the car."
Gusler gives her the supplies she needs and then says, "So do you wanna know what the Lieutenant told me?"
"Can ya tell me later Steve? You heard him...Bosco's waiting. Later...when I get back to the house you can tell me...ok?"
"Oh you bet. We'll talk when you get back then."
Through out the day, he listened intently to the police dispatch, waiting to hear that 55 David was coming back to the house.
********
It was a few hours into the shift when a pair of detectives came back to the precinct and told the Lieutenant that they heard a news bulletin about another shooting at a school somewhere in the mid west. Lieu and the men hurried into the debriefing room and turned the TV on to CNN. Steve followed them in and watched from behind the men, as the anchor man repeated the story in a stone somber voice over live Aerial footage of the school, surrounded by emergency vehicles.
"...to repeat the breaking news...thirteen are believed dead and another nine seriously hurt today in Corey Hill Wisconsin when two gunmen opened fire on the high school football team while they practiced on the field. Lets switch back to Leslie who is live on the scene...Leslie...what else can you tell us?"
"Thank you Dan...the police have taken two boys into custody a short while ago. The boys are believed to be students of this school. One boy 'laid in wait' in the bleachers, as the team practiced on the field. He then opened fire on the them. The unofficial count from the first gunman is sixteen boys...shot, as they tried to run to safety. The second gunman was waiting in the locker room in ambush, and he also opened fire on the team as they tried to get inside the building for cover. It is believed that the second boy shot an additional six people. The coach is believed to be among the fatally wounded...Dan..."
"Thank you Leslie...we're going to switch now to the footage taken just a few moments ago, of the police bringing the boys into custody..."
The TV shows a shaky picture of the police escorting two young boys in handcuffs, to a waiting police car. Both boys are short and thin, one wearing glasses and the other with red hair and braces. Microphones are being shoved in their faces and reporters are screaming questions as the police push them away. They looked to be about only twelve years old. Neither boy looks regretful.
"What the hell would make a couple of kids do that?" one of the detectives says.
"Bullies." Gusler answers quietly behind him.
All three men turned to look at Steve, unaware that he was even in the room.
"They didn't look like bullies." The detective said turning back to the screen.
Gusler didn't bother to explain that he was referring to the victims. He was sure that it would be inconceivable to him, with his linebacker build, that the football players had most likely provoked the attack in the first place.
Steve can understand. Not that he believes in what they did, but he can picture those two boys, with their twelve year old physiques, trying to take gym class with those huge football players. He can imagine the wedgies in the locker room. The unconscionable attacks in the shower...scrubbing them with scruff pads until the skin was raw, being locked in the locker, or having half the class hold them down while the biggest of them put his used jock over the boys faces.
Steve can picture the attacks in the cafeteria, pants-ing them in front of everyone. Flushing their heads in the urinal in the boy's bathroom. Pissing on the boy's books through the vents in their lockers. Frightening them to tears in the schoolyard. Hanging them out the second story window in the science lab...making their high school years a living hell of fear and humiliation. He could understand them...what he didn't understand was where did they find guns to carry out their act of revenge. That's what Steve couldn't figure out.
*****[An hour later]*****
Steve finally heard what he had been waiting to hear for hours. 55 David was on their way back to the house having apprehended a couple of perps. Steve waits anxiously for their arrival. About fifteen minutes later Steve sees Bosco walk in with a young man in handcuffs. Faith is right behind him, with a second guy, and she is covered head to toe in a white powder.
"What the hell happened to you?" The Lieutenant asks with a smile.
"I chased the wrong idiot." She barks at him.
Bosco, grinning from ear to ear, fills them in. "We see these two geniuses smoken weed in an alleyway. So we walk towards them. The minute they see us they both take off runnen. One guy runs down the alley...I chase him...and the second guy goes in a door...Faith chases him. The next time I see her, she is covered with this white shit, and madder than hell." He starts laughing and can hardly continue. "Man...it was in her face, in her hair...I made her clean up a little before I would let her get back in the car."
"Well...what the hell is it?" The Lieutenant asks, now laughing himself.
"Fire extinguisher...the bastard ambushed me with a fire extinguisher!" Her voice rises as she gets mad all over again. "But he didn't just blast and run...I fell when he hosed me, and before I could get up, he emptied it out on me. I must have inhaled a ton of it." Everyone is laughing now. She grabs the kid by the hair. "You think this is funny? This is assault on an officer you moron. When I get done with this report, you'll need Johnny Cochran to get you out."
Bosco grabs both guys. "I'll take them both back to lock up... before my partner kills you." He grabs the one kid by the back of the neck. "You'll be lucky to get out by Christmas of two thousand ten."
"I have to go shower...get this chemical off of me." She walks away leaving Gusler standing there. She forgot that she promised to hear his story, and after she gets cleaned up, her and Bosco go back on patrol. Steve, disappointed, watches her leave.
*****[The end of the shift]*****
Steve walks into the locker room and finds all the officers standing together talking. Faith is combing her hair in the mirror and Sully is sitting on a bench facing her. Davis is standing next to him and Bosco has just walked up and joined the group, suggesting that they all go out for some cool down before they go home. Faith turns away from the mirror, facing the group and Sully stands up, completing the circle. Davis says he'd like to get something to eat, and they are all discussing where they should go.
Gusler usually waits until the other officers are through in the locker room before he goes in to change...a habit he started in high school. He thought they had all left, and when he walks in and sees them, he feels this sudden uneasiness for having walked into their discussion. His first thought was to turn and run back out. He feels this weird embarrassment, like he just walked into the ladies room by mistake. Then he decides, no...he belongs here just as much as they do, and tomorrow he may even be part of this little band of partners.
As he walks around them to get to his locker, he half expects...hopes...one of them will ask if he'd like to join them. But they don't. Neither of them acknowledge him. He glances back at them but quickly turns his attention to his locker pretending to be very busy getting changed...pretending that he doesn't notice them there. He has a sudden pang of 'Da ja vous'.
A memory drifts into his mind that he'd nearly forgotten. Four of his friends all standing in a circle on the playground playing catch while he stood to the side, glancing at them and quickly looking away, too intent on what he was doing to be able join them in their game.
He was in the first grade. They were seated five children to a table, and the teacher had them doing a spelling exercise. They each had a paper with lists of words, and the kids had to circle all the words that were spelled wrong. And the teacher said that as each table finished the exercise, they could go out to the playground early for recess.
Steve and his mother, had always been very proud of his spelling ability. Steve hurried through the words quickly, and was done. But the other kids at his table were talking and playing around. So he pointed out to them that he was done, hoping to encourage them to go faster. But mostly, he thought, they would all think he was really smart. And he really wished to impress them. They were the ones all the other kids liked the most.
He got his wish when Michelle asked if he would do her paper for her. He was so excited. Michelle wanted his help...and he came to her rescue. He switched papers with her and finished it up. Then John asked too, and soon he had done all of their papers and his group got to go out to the playground. They told him to hand in the papers to the teacher, while they went to the closet to get a kick ball for recess. He proudly went to the teachers desk. He felt important. And he just made some very important friends.
He went to join them outside, since they weren't waiting for him at the equipment closet. He looked out on the playground and they were nowhere to be found. They were not on the kick ball field. Not near the swings or by the girls playing jump rope. Steve walked through all the groups of children playing together, feeling a little embarrassed that he had lost his friends. It looked like he would spend another recess alone, watching the others play.
He walked towards the end of the building, and just briefly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone peek around a doorway, then duck back out of sight. He wandered slowly towards the door and as he approached he heard whispering. He smiled and stepped in front of the opening, and sure enough there they all were. His group...his new friends.
He was so excited to be playing with these kids, especially Michelle. Steve thought she was cute. She had long dirty blonde hair, that he described as the color of gold and her big brown eyes were even prettier than his mom's. Her last name was Feathers, and Steve thought that name was perfect for her. When she would get on the swings, her hair would blow back, looking like wings on a beautiful, gold bird. He had been wanting to be her friend, and now...like a dream come true... he finally is.
Marty was liked by all the other kids too. He was really good at kickball and baseball. He was also really fast. He always got picked first when they were making teams. And here he is...Steven Gusler... playing with Marty and Michelle. This is the best day of his life. Maybe tomorrow he will not be picked last...maybe he will be picked to be on his friend Marty's team.
They stepped out into the school yard, and Michelle tossed the big red ball to...Brad? Was that his name...? Who cares. He tossed the ball to Marty who never misses, and Marty throws to John, and he tosses back to Michelle. Steve is beaming. He has already decided that when he gets the ball, he is going to throw it to Michelle. And she will see that he is just as good as Marty. And maybe she will even throw it back to him.
He waits...holding his hands out, because it is really important that he catch it like Marty always does. He waits...as they toss it all around the circle...to each other.
"Throw me one." He says, holding his hands up anxiously. He can't contain his happiness. He is sporting a smile so big he can feel it in his ears.
But they don't throw it to him. They giggle as they continue tossing the ball around their circle.
"I didn't get one yet." His eyes brimming with anticipation. "Throw it here."
But they still don't throw it to him.
He steps towards the center and after a while, he tries to catch it when they throw it to Marty. They start throwing it higher so it's just out of his reach. Steve jumps as high as he can, his smile has turned into a nervous grin, as he pretends to be enjoying this game of keep away. But he hates it and he is starting to look a little silly. But at least he is playing with them. They never let him play before.
Suddenly Michelle stops the game, tucking the ball between her arm and her hip. Using the same tone that the teacher uses when she catches someone eating the paste, Michelle scolds him. "We don't want to play with you. Don't you get it? Now go and play somewhere else."
"But..." was all that he could say, as his face squeezed into a look of shock and sadness. He was crushed. Then his lip started quivering. Her words hit him like a fist, making his chest feel tight. He looked to each of the boys, hoping someone would stick up for him and tell her she was being mean. But they were all grinning. He felt the sting of being shunned. He wanted to cry but he didn't want them to see how bad he felt...so he didn't cry. And he didn't leave. He just stepped back to his spot in the circle, enduring the humiliation.
He took a quick look over his shoulder to see if anyone had heard those words she spoke. He felt ashamed of himself. Looking down at the ground, he began nudging a stick with his toe, and pretended that he was doing something important with it. Pretended that it was more important to him, than playing catch with them. And he blinked quickly to keep the tears from coming out and revealing his hurt.
He would roll his eyes up occasionally to sneak a peek at them. He kept hoping that it was just another game and any minute now they would tell him they were kidding. And he hoped with all of his heart that no one else could see his disappointment when they didn't.
After a while, Brad...or what ever the hell his name was, said, "I don't know why you're still standing there. We're just gonna ignore you."
"That's right. You should just leave." Michelle adds snidely. "Go play with someone else!" And then she missed the ball.
It bounced behind her and Steve ran as fast as he could, and got to it first. He picked it up and started to run. He didn't even look back, but he could hear them chattering complaints behind him as he ran. And as he ran, he actually hoped that they would run after him so it would look to everyone else, like they were playing with him. But they didn't. They would rather give up the ball than play with him.
Steve took the ball inside the empty classroom and hid in the equipment closet. He took a pencil and stabbed the ball with it. He squeezed the ball as hard as he could to let the air out of it. He squeezed until his arms shook, and the ball was just a rubber wad in his hands. Steve finally cried. Sitting all alone there in the dark closet where nobody could see him.
"Steve?"
"Huh?" He looked up out of his trance to see that all the officers were looking at him.
Then Bosco said, "Well?"
"Umm, I really should get right home." Steve says shyly.
"Who the hell cares?" Bosco says in his smart ass way. "We said goodnight."
Steve just stared for a second, totally embarrassed...once again...and didn't know what to say now. He hadn't heard what they said to him, and he assumed that they had invited him to go out with them...and obviously they didn't.
But that is ok...because he had already promised himself, that day on the playground, that he would never be suckered again into believing that people were his friends when he knew damn well they were not. He had already planned to decline the invite, but something inside of him, still wished to be included. And again, that feeling came back to him, all the way from that playground years ago, and he felt the pang of humiliation.
Faith bailed him out. "Are you sure you have to go right home? Why don't you come and have just one with us Steve?" She said it as sincere as she could, and slapped Bosco on the shoulder when he tried to voice his disapproval.
"No I can't. I gotta get home." And he wasn't sure, but he thought he heard them all laugh as they walked out.
********
"Understanding Steven"
~Chapter Two~
Steve changes his shirt and goes to work behind the control desk, where he's been stationed for the past year and a half, except for the time he got to ride with Faith and on the rare occasion when they ask him to do a sketch. His job has been answering phones and filing reports that the other officers fill out. Tomorrow, he will be filling them out himself. Tomorrow he will have his own partner.
He loves the very essence of the word...Partner. It could mean girlfriend, wife, soul mate, buddy, friend, "best" friend...a partner. All of these things, he's never had...and always wanted.
Steve is the only child of Stanley and Stella Gusler. For the first nine years of their marriage, the Guslers tried desperately to have a baby. But because of Stanley's low sperm count, it just never happened. The couple resigned to the idea of adoption instead. After another two and a half years of waiting, their name came up on the list and then...Stella found out that she was pregnant. Pregnant with what she called her 'miracle baby'.
Stella took extra measures during her pregnancy, to ensure that there would be no complications. They bought and read every pre-natal care book there was, and followed them to the letter. She spent the last four months of her term in bed, being waited on diligently by her dutiful husband.
Even so, Steven Stanley Gusler, was born three weeks early and with a low birth weight. Stella watched over him cautiously from those first moments of his life until the day he announced that he was entering the academy. That announcement just about killed her. He remembers so clearly the day he told her, the day he made his first decision on his own, without her input.
She tried every ploy to talk him out of it. "That is absolutely out of the question...(Matronly) That job is too dangerous for you...(Through tears) You are not brave enough or strong enough to be a policeman...(Angrily) I forbid it...(Forcefully) Do you hear me Steven? I forbid it."
"Did you hear me Steve?"
Gusler looked up from his memory to find Faith standing at the control desk.
"Is everything ok?" She can see that he is deep in thought.
"Yah...everything is great. I was just thinken about what the Lieutenant told me. You know when he called me into his office." He drops a hint for her to ask him about it.
"You didn't get yourself into any trouble did ya?" She asks in a teasing way.
"No...Lieu wanted to ask me something...he needs my help."
"Ahh...well...that's good for you, huh? So...can I have the accident sheets I asked for?"
"Oh...sure." As he searches for them under the counter, he tries to tell her his good news, but Bosco walks up and interrupts. Asshole...always in Steve's way when he tries to talk to Faith. Like he owns her.
"Faith...get another ticket book too. And don't stand around talking, I'm gonna be waiting for you in the car."
Gusler gives her the supplies she needs and then says, "So do you wanna know what the Lieutenant told me?"
"Can ya tell me later Steve? You heard him...Bosco's waiting. Later...when I get back to the house you can tell me...ok?"
"Oh you bet. We'll talk when you get back then."
Through out the day, he listened intently to the police dispatch, waiting to hear that 55 David was coming back to the house.
********
It was a few hours into the shift when a pair of detectives came back to the precinct and told the Lieutenant that they heard a news bulletin about another shooting at a school somewhere in the mid west. Lieu and the men hurried into the debriefing room and turned the TV on to CNN. Steve followed them in and watched from behind the men, as the anchor man repeated the story in a stone somber voice over live Aerial footage of the school, surrounded by emergency vehicles.
"...to repeat the breaking news...thirteen are believed dead and another nine seriously hurt today in Corey Hill Wisconsin when two gunmen opened fire on the high school football team while they practiced on the field. Lets switch back to Leslie who is live on the scene...Leslie...what else can you tell us?"
"Thank you Dan...the police have taken two boys into custody a short while ago. The boys are believed to be students of this school. One boy 'laid in wait' in the bleachers, as the team practiced on the field. He then opened fire on the them. The unofficial count from the first gunman is sixteen boys...shot, as they tried to run to safety. The second gunman was waiting in the locker room in ambush, and he also opened fire on the team as they tried to get inside the building for cover. It is believed that the second boy shot an additional six people. The coach is believed to be among the fatally wounded...Dan..."
"Thank you Leslie...we're going to switch now to the footage taken just a few moments ago, of the police bringing the boys into custody..."
The TV shows a shaky picture of the police escorting two young boys in handcuffs, to a waiting police car. Both boys are short and thin, one wearing glasses and the other with red hair and braces. Microphones are being shoved in their faces and reporters are screaming questions as the police push them away. They looked to be about only twelve years old. Neither boy looks regretful.
"What the hell would make a couple of kids do that?" one of the detectives says.
"Bullies." Gusler answers quietly behind him.
All three men turned to look at Steve, unaware that he was even in the room.
"They didn't look like bullies." The detective said turning back to the screen.
Gusler didn't bother to explain that he was referring to the victims. He was sure that it would be inconceivable to him, with his linebacker build, that the football players had most likely provoked the attack in the first place.
Steve can understand. Not that he believes in what they did, but he can picture those two boys, with their twelve year old physiques, trying to take gym class with those huge football players. He can imagine the wedgies in the locker room. The unconscionable attacks in the shower...scrubbing them with scruff pads until the skin was raw, being locked in the locker, or having half the class hold them down while the biggest of them put his used jock over the boys faces.
Steve can picture the attacks in the cafeteria, pants-ing them in front of everyone. Flushing their heads in the urinal in the boy's bathroom. Pissing on the boy's books through the vents in their lockers. Frightening them to tears in the schoolyard. Hanging them out the second story window in the science lab...making their high school years a living hell of fear and humiliation. He could understand them...what he didn't understand was where did they find guns to carry out their act of revenge. That's what Steve couldn't figure out.
*****[An hour later]*****
Steve finally heard what he had been waiting to hear for hours. 55 David was on their way back to the house having apprehended a couple of perps. Steve waits anxiously for their arrival. About fifteen minutes later Steve sees Bosco walk in with a young man in handcuffs. Faith is right behind him, with a second guy, and she is covered head to toe in a white powder.
"What the hell happened to you?" The Lieutenant asks with a smile.
"I chased the wrong idiot." She barks at him.
Bosco, grinning from ear to ear, fills them in. "We see these two geniuses smoken weed in an alleyway. So we walk towards them. The minute they see us they both take off runnen. One guy runs down the alley...I chase him...and the second guy goes in a door...Faith chases him. The next time I see her, she is covered with this white shit, and madder than hell." He starts laughing and can hardly continue. "Man...it was in her face, in her hair...I made her clean up a little before I would let her get back in the car."
"Well...what the hell is it?" The Lieutenant asks, now laughing himself.
"Fire extinguisher...the bastard ambushed me with a fire extinguisher!" Her voice rises as she gets mad all over again. "But he didn't just blast and run...I fell when he hosed me, and before I could get up, he emptied it out on me. I must have inhaled a ton of it." Everyone is laughing now. She grabs the kid by the hair. "You think this is funny? This is assault on an officer you moron. When I get done with this report, you'll need Johnny Cochran to get you out."
Bosco grabs both guys. "I'll take them both back to lock up... before my partner kills you." He grabs the one kid by the back of the neck. "You'll be lucky to get out by Christmas of two thousand ten."
"I have to go shower...get this chemical off of me." She walks away leaving Gusler standing there. She forgot that she promised to hear his story, and after she gets cleaned up, her and Bosco go back on patrol. Steve, disappointed, watches her leave.
*****[The end of the shift]*****
Steve walks into the locker room and finds all the officers standing together talking. Faith is combing her hair in the mirror and Sully is sitting on a bench facing her. Davis is standing next to him and Bosco has just walked up and joined the group, suggesting that they all go out for some cool down before they go home. Faith turns away from the mirror, facing the group and Sully stands up, completing the circle. Davis says he'd like to get something to eat, and they are all discussing where they should go.
Gusler usually waits until the other officers are through in the locker room before he goes in to change...a habit he started in high school. He thought they had all left, and when he walks in and sees them, he feels this sudden uneasiness for having walked into their discussion. His first thought was to turn and run back out. He feels this weird embarrassment, like he just walked into the ladies room by mistake. Then he decides, no...he belongs here just as much as they do, and tomorrow he may even be part of this little band of partners.
As he walks around them to get to his locker, he half expects...hopes...one of them will ask if he'd like to join them. But they don't. Neither of them acknowledge him. He glances back at them but quickly turns his attention to his locker pretending to be very busy getting changed...pretending that he doesn't notice them there. He has a sudden pang of 'Da ja vous'.
A memory drifts into his mind that he'd nearly forgotten. Four of his friends all standing in a circle on the playground playing catch while he stood to the side, glancing at them and quickly looking away, too intent on what he was doing to be able join them in their game.
He was in the first grade. They were seated five children to a table, and the teacher had them doing a spelling exercise. They each had a paper with lists of words, and the kids had to circle all the words that were spelled wrong. And the teacher said that as each table finished the exercise, they could go out to the playground early for recess.
Steve and his mother, had always been very proud of his spelling ability. Steve hurried through the words quickly, and was done. But the other kids at his table were talking and playing around. So he pointed out to them that he was done, hoping to encourage them to go faster. But mostly, he thought, they would all think he was really smart. And he really wished to impress them. They were the ones all the other kids liked the most.
He got his wish when Michelle asked if he would do her paper for her. He was so excited. Michelle wanted his help...and he came to her rescue. He switched papers with her and finished it up. Then John asked too, and soon he had done all of their papers and his group got to go out to the playground. They told him to hand in the papers to the teacher, while they went to the closet to get a kick ball for recess. He proudly went to the teachers desk. He felt important. And he just made some very important friends.
He went to join them outside, since they weren't waiting for him at the equipment closet. He looked out on the playground and they were nowhere to be found. They were not on the kick ball field. Not near the swings or by the girls playing jump rope. Steve walked through all the groups of children playing together, feeling a little embarrassed that he had lost his friends. It looked like he would spend another recess alone, watching the others play.
He walked towards the end of the building, and just briefly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone peek around a doorway, then duck back out of sight. He wandered slowly towards the door and as he approached he heard whispering. He smiled and stepped in front of the opening, and sure enough there they all were. His group...his new friends.
He was so excited to be playing with these kids, especially Michelle. Steve thought she was cute. She had long dirty blonde hair, that he described as the color of gold and her big brown eyes were even prettier than his mom's. Her last name was Feathers, and Steve thought that name was perfect for her. When she would get on the swings, her hair would blow back, looking like wings on a beautiful, gold bird. He had been wanting to be her friend, and now...like a dream come true... he finally is.
Marty was liked by all the other kids too. He was really good at kickball and baseball. He was also really fast. He always got picked first when they were making teams. And here he is...Steven Gusler... playing with Marty and Michelle. This is the best day of his life. Maybe tomorrow he will not be picked last...maybe he will be picked to be on his friend Marty's team.
They stepped out into the school yard, and Michelle tossed the big red ball to...Brad? Was that his name...? Who cares. He tossed the ball to Marty who never misses, and Marty throws to John, and he tosses back to Michelle. Steve is beaming. He has already decided that when he gets the ball, he is going to throw it to Michelle. And she will see that he is just as good as Marty. And maybe she will even throw it back to him.
He waits...holding his hands out, because it is really important that he catch it like Marty always does. He waits...as they toss it all around the circle...to each other.
"Throw me one." He says, holding his hands up anxiously. He can't contain his happiness. He is sporting a smile so big he can feel it in his ears.
But they don't throw it to him. They giggle as they continue tossing the ball around their circle.
"I didn't get one yet." His eyes brimming with anticipation. "Throw it here."
But they still don't throw it to him.
He steps towards the center and after a while, he tries to catch it when they throw it to Marty. They start throwing it higher so it's just out of his reach. Steve jumps as high as he can, his smile has turned into a nervous grin, as he pretends to be enjoying this game of keep away. But he hates it and he is starting to look a little silly. But at least he is playing with them. They never let him play before.
Suddenly Michelle stops the game, tucking the ball between her arm and her hip. Using the same tone that the teacher uses when she catches someone eating the paste, Michelle scolds him. "We don't want to play with you. Don't you get it? Now go and play somewhere else."
"But..." was all that he could say, as his face squeezed into a look of shock and sadness. He was crushed. Then his lip started quivering. Her words hit him like a fist, making his chest feel tight. He looked to each of the boys, hoping someone would stick up for him and tell her she was being mean. But they were all grinning. He felt the sting of being shunned. He wanted to cry but he didn't want them to see how bad he felt...so he didn't cry. And he didn't leave. He just stepped back to his spot in the circle, enduring the humiliation.
He took a quick look over his shoulder to see if anyone had heard those words she spoke. He felt ashamed of himself. Looking down at the ground, he began nudging a stick with his toe, and pretended that he was doing something important with it. Pretended that it was more important to him, than playing catch with them. And he blinked quickly to keep the tears from coming out and revealing his hurt.
He would roll his eyes up occasionally to sneak a peek at them. He kept hoping that it was just another game and any minute now they would tell him they were kidding. And he hoped with all of his heart that no one else could see his disappointment when they didn't.
After a while, Brad...or what ever the hell his name was, said, "I don't know why you're still standing there. We're just gonna ignore you."
"That's right. You should just leave." Michelle adds snidely. "Go play with someone else!" And then she missed the ball.
It bounced behind her and Steve ran as fast as he could, and got to it first. He picked it up and started to run. He didn't even look back, but he could hear them chattering complaints behind him as he ran. And as he ran, he actually hoped that they would run after him so it would look to everyone else, like they were playing with him. But they didn't. They would rather give up the ball than play with him.
Steve took the ball inside the empty classroom and hid in the equipment closet. He took a pencil and stabbed the ball with it. He squeezed the ball as hard as he could to let the air out of it. He squeezed until his arms shook, and the ball was just a rubber wad in his hands. Steve finally cried. Sitting all alone there in the dark closet where nobody could see him.
"Steve?"
"Huh?" He looked up out of his trance to see that all the officers were looking at him.
Then Bosco said, "Well?"
"Umm, I really should get right home." Steve says shyly.
"Who the hell cares?" Bosco says in his smart ass way. "We said goodnight."
Steve just stared for a second, totally embarrassed...once again...and didn't know what to say now. He hadn't heard what they said to him, and he assumed that they had invited him to go out with them...and obviously they didn't.
But that is ok...because he had already promised himself, that day on the playground, that he would never be suckered again into believing that people were his friends when he knew damn well they were not. He had already planned to decline the invite, but something inside of him, still wished to be included. And again, that feeling came back to him, all the way from that playground years ago, and he felt the pang of humiliation.
Faith bailed him out. "Are you sure you have to go right home? Why don't you come and have just one with us Steve?" She said it as sincere as she could, and slapped Bosco on the shoulder when he tried to voice his disapproval.
"No I can't. I gotta get home." And he wasn't sure, but he thought he heard them all laugh as they walked out.
********
