This short story was written in a half hour, if you're wondering. Where'd I get the idea? A mis-read title. Yes, I read it too fast, and came up with 'Shaving'. I may re-write it if I come back like a month later and realize what crap it is, but until then, read and review! SEND ME YOUR LOVE!
I don't own Final Fantasy, never did, and hopefully in the future, will.
Shaving
'Right, time to get to shaving. Time to shave. Good ol' shavin'.' He sighed outwardly. He really wasn't in the mood. 'Come on Wakka! How many kisses would ya get looking like a Yeti?' he knew the answer. It was why there was only one Yeti…He took out the familiar sharp blade, Sharky, as he called it. A wood handled razor, on which he'd cut his palm so often he had a permanent reminder of his not-so-good handling of knives. Except today there was a surprise. A loud shriek was heard throughout Besaid, echoing with agony. Toucans flew from their homes by the houses, merchants kept silent for a moment, the market place was soundless, even the crickets and children were hushed for a moment. A blunt blade! After everything he and Sharky had been through…ah the memories…
His first shave
12 year old Wakka: My first shave!
His second shave
Wakka: My second shave!
But he remembered a freaky old man telling him his blade would break…
FLASHBACK
Old Man: Your blade will break…
And he remembered being told to use it well…
FLASHBACK
Old Man: Use it well…
And then he remembered being told to mop the floor…
FLASHBACK
Random Lady: Mop the floor!
But that might not have been directed at him. And he wasn't sure what it had to do with his Sharky…Ah, but of the good times, also came bad memories. Luckily at the age of 16 he experienced a severe memory lapse and decided to forget all that, so never mind. He now had a mission for the day, and if things got complicated, two days. Yes, he was committed.
"I swear Sharky, I will have you sharpened! And when I do…I'll shave, ya!" he really had no idea why he had such a thing out loud; nobody was in the hut to hear him. He just liked to hear himself talk. So anyway, away he went strutting out the door with his blunt blade, and making a dramatic pose. The blunt blade even shined in the light! So bright that it made that bright sound, like "zzssiiiiiing!" if you know what I mean. No, not the sharp sound, the sharp sound is "Sching!" it didn't make that sound. But the brightness sound caught his neighbors -who just happened to be Lulu- attention. She was sweeping her front porch. No, I'm not sure why, it is a DIRT path after all. Perhaps she likes her dirt clean, nobody knows for sure. But anyway, Lulu stared at him. And moved her eyes down low. And kept them there for some time. And although it took Wakka some time, he eventually did notice her staring.
"Lu, what are you starin' at?" he asked her angrily. He didn't like staring. He stared at people, but he didn't like them staring at him. It was just plain rude.
"…Um…perhaps you should put some pants on…"
A blush crept up his brown cheeks. But he hid it well, with his remarkable deep voice thing.
"BOXERS are all I need."
"Well the rest of our eyes need a rest, so PUT ON SOME PANTS!"
And so he meekly sulked back into his hut.
Well, it had taken some time, but he had at last come to an old mans shanty. The first time, without pants. The second time, he'd remembered, and actually decided to slip some on. Then he had to return home, take off his pants, put on some underwear and put on his pants again. He came to the shanty, and then he thought things would be easier with a belt, and left to buy a belt. After that he'd had to pee, and the nearest isolated tree was across the river, so he had to swim across pee while maneuvering around a tree to avoid some randomly naked bathing women who would get the wrong idea from seeing him, and swam back across. Then he found he left Sharky back at home, so he returned and had to walk all the way back to the shanty. Then he decided he was a little sweaty, so he went home to have a shower and came back. Now, finally, he was here. He rapped his knuckles against the door, but since it was actually a cheap-ass sheet, he accidentally pushed open the door.
"Hey, didn't anyone teach you to knock before entering?" An old, smelly man remarked angrily from a dark corner.
"Tried, but it's a cloth." The old man made some strange noise, something between a radish squeezing between two vinyl couches and a birthing north Bevelleian pure bred wheelbarrow rolling down a bitumen slide. Yes, Wakka is very accurate with these things.
"Why couldn't you try the tree?"
Wakka thought for a moment.
"It may disturb the termites or a nest of angry Toucans, ya?" he was quite proud of his answer.
"Well couldn't ya give me some warning?"
"I tried, ya? But you're cloth door was more cloth-y than those in west Besaid."
"Oh? Well then why- - OH FOR YEVONS SAKE! What kind of a conversation is this?" the old man finally realized his and his visitor's stupidity, and went on to crawl out of the shadows. With his hands. Yes, he was a legless old man. Born on the day of leglessness, although now denounced by Yuna, conqueror of evil Yevon who announced the funny, and the sad days. Normally, mothers would've held out on the day of leglessness, but his was a die hard Yevonite and was going to birth her son on a special day, and have his legs specially cut off! AT THE TENDER AGE OF 0.24567893ths OF A SECOND! Evil whore.
"Not sure. But anyway, could you sharpen my blade? I really need to shave."
The old man stared.
Why has this stupid, stupid man come to me? Why does he assume that I would have any knowledge on sharpening razors? What, did he just randomly pick a house?
"Did you randomly pick a house?"
"…perhaps…"
A new sound, only slightly resembling the sound between a radish squeezing between two vinyl couches and a birthing north Bevelleian pure bred wheelbarrow rolling down a bitumen slide was heard.
"You could be injured makin' dat noise, sir."
He had to run shortly after that, as a wild, ravenous wooden donkey flew towards his head.
"AH! DONKEY!"
And it was to get to be a harder day yet…for the donkey, I mean. For this donkey was to multiply, into thousand of billions of--- oh damn. I just gave away a potential twist, didn't I? Bloody hell. Oh well, these things happen. Hopefully I'll remember to come back and delete that.
As Wakka trudged on, having wasted 4 hours on running up and down to a random house, only to be rudely rejected with a wooden donkey (and the quite ravenous one too!), he was none too cheery. He was still his happy self, but not cheery. There is a difference. Really! If you want to argue the differences, then BRING IT ON! Yeah you wanna fight? Nah, I didn't think so. Yeah, keep readin', s'all ya can do. Punk.
"S'cuse me?"
Oh right, story. Sorry Wakka. I just need to think of an event…
"YEEHAW FOLKS! Come on down an' get a free ride on a polar bear, for only 86069 gil a day!" came the loud voice, obviously belonging to Cid. Of course, what attracted Wakka to the site was not the Polar Bear, rare as it is to see one on a tropical island, but rather the beautiful women in bikinis. Never mind the fact it is a snow theme, or anything like that. I mean, they don't even come into play in the long run. No way. No sir-ee.
"Hello, ladies." Wakka commented as he leaned on the Polar Bear. It seemed to tired (or dead) to stop him. "what're some beautiful girls like ya selves doin' here in Besaid, ya?" he tried his best to sound suave, but his island accent sort of prevented that. The blonde looked up first, before elbowing her friends and whispering something into their ears. Wakka hoped it was a compliment. Unless girls dun like shirtless guys anymore…he thought to himself. He wasn't really 'in' with the girl talk thing at the moment.
"Oh, um, looking for some hot Besaid guys with an accent…maybe orange hair? Some stubble…"
"Oh yeah, definitely some stubble." The brunette agreed.
"Bit like yours really." The red head giggled to him. He didn't get it.
"Oh. I'm the only guy I know 'round like dat. But, uh, I do have some friends wit' acc- ah!" he was stopped, promptly, by the large Cid, jumping from seemingly no where (even I don't know where) to surprise him.
"YEEHAAW! Yip yi yay, didn't scare ya now did I boy?" he promptly (yes, promptly again) swung a lasso wildly around his head, like the psychotic man he was.
"Yes."
"Good t' hear! Anyway, I'ma get straight to the point. I uncovered, this great Yevonite conspiracy, out to kill all us Al Bhed!" Cid forgot Wakka isn't an Al Bhed.
"Yeah they'll do that to ya."
"Glad to hear you're not into the whole Yevon scene anymore, by the way." Cid commented.
"The what?" Cid ignored Wakka's ignorance for the moment; after all, it was a three way trait shared between the three. The three being Wakka, Tidus and Cid, although I just added Cid because I wanted to say trio. TRIO! There. Done.
"So what I need you to do to stop it is…pay me 14098 gil, and then do a full price ride on this polar bear too! It'll save the Al Bhed race!" Wakka stared for a moment.
"And what do I get in return?"
Cid stared.
Wakka stared.
Cid stared.
Wakka grew angry with his staring, so stared harder.
Cid made a sound resembling the sound between a radish squeezing in between two vinyl couches and a birthing north Bevelleian pure bred wheelbarrow rolling down a bitumen slide
Wakka winced slightly. Didn't like that noise.
"You'd be uh…saving the Al Bhed race, Wakka." Cid said slowly.
"And…?" Wakka was quite the selfish, lonely, man.
"Oh far out, y'know those three women o' mine there? Yours for the night. Jesus almighty…" and away Cid walked mumbling something in Al Bhed.
"That's all?"
"See Rikku over there? They drugged her with extreme sugar. More than I usually give her. I mean seriously, just look at her!"
A while a ways stood, or rather jumped, Rikku. She jumped up and down on the spot, smiling, then frowning, smiling, then frowning, smiling then…well you get the idea. And the whole time she was saying,
"I'm happy AND ANGRY!!!" And occasionally roared and teared at the steel bars with her teeth.
Back to Wakka and Cid, and Wakka stood with the most confused look on his face.
"…the hell?"
"I take that as a yes. YEEHAAW! Come on down an' get a free ride on a polar bear, for only 86069 gil a day…"
It was to be long time before he could shave…
END CHAPTER 1
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YEEHAAW CMAMACHANA
ADIOS AMIGOS
That Cactuar Muse
