It wasn't about the sex.

Don't get me wrong...the sex was good. hell, better then good. Sex with Buffy was great...those slayer skills really come in handy..

Getting off-topic. It wasn't the fact that we had sex that made me lose my soul. I don't understand why people assume that. My happiness, that one moment where I forgot my soul, my guilt, my path for redemption- that one moment when all I could think about was something else...it wasn't the sex.

It was her. It was that incredible girl-woman actually- that is her. She has this light about her you know, this light that manages to outshine everything yet include everyone in its glow. She can walk into the room and everything manages to just gravitate around her. Its not just the fact that she's a Slayer, it's the person she is. Not many women can handle what she has. Sure, all the other slayers fight demons and get hurt, but none of them could handle the responsibilities she does. Its like she feels she's responsible for the life of everyone on earth.

And her friends. There's a big reasons slayers don't have friends, and it's the fear of losing them. But Buffy takes that chance, she would rather die protecting them then die without them. That takes an incredible amount of courage and love.

It's the way she manages to actually LIVE in this world. She can't cut it out, no matter how hard she tries. Shes so full of life that when I'm with her...I'm living again. When we kiss, Its like shes giving me her breath. When we made love...I almost could feel the blood coursing through my undead veins. She made human for a blissful short amount of time, and that was my undoing.

It's the way she still loves me. Even though I'm a vampire, shes a slayer, even though she's sworn to kill my kind, even though she knows of what I've done, seen what I could do, she still loves me. She still manages to love me, and care about me.

When we made love, it was like she was letting me in on her own little world. Like she was giving me some of her glow, giving me something she had never given anyone else. I was her world for a second, I was the person who set the weight of the world off her shoulders. I love her so much, all I ever wanted to do was make her forget, make her rest and just be human for just a little bit. But, she did that to me instead. I felt like a man with her, a man loved by an incredible woman, and I was never meant for that.

So it wasn't the sex. It wasn't that point of pure pleasure, the height of ectasy. I can't even pinpoint the exact moment I lost my soul, but it wasn't during sex. It was after. holding her in my arms, and seeing the woman I loved so vunerable and trusting, It just felt right .I felt at peace. and She was all I could think about, she surrounded me. She still does. But for that split second, she dominated my thoughts so completely that any thoughts of my soul or my guilt disappeared.

She sent me to hell, I know. But I understood. Her determination and loyalty to this world and her duty outweighed even her love for me. I don't fool myself in thinking she didn't suffer for it. I know she loves me, not in the same eternal way I'll always love her, but I know in her heart, I'm the one who dominates her thoughts the way she dominates mine.

I can never make love to her without the risk of losing my soul. Because its not the sex

It's the afterglow.