Chapter 3. Oh grow up.
It is late at night. Buffy is on her own patrolling tonight. She and Spike have sort of made up, but things are still tense, and he's still not home. She hasn't told him about the visit with the Slayer so she can't explain why she's been acting the way she has, and they haven't discussed the words that passed between them. She goes out patrolling, hoping for a few hours to take her mind off things.
Buffy: While she is patrolling she sees a vamp, in the grave yard. She's about to stake him, but she pauses for a second. You don't by any chance play kitten poker, do you?
Vamp: (Giving her the oddest look.) Kitten poker? Are you serious? That sounds like a stupid game.
Buffy: (To vamp.) See that's what I said but he insists on playing anyway.
Vamp: Who insists on playing?
Buffy: Oh, my husband Spike.
Vamp: That's a weird name for a human. Spike?
Buffy: Oh he's not human. He's a vampire. Still I suppose that's a strange name for a vampire too.
Vamp: And you're a vampire slayer?
Buffy: Yeah hun.
Vamp: (Scratches head.) Must make things tricky at home?
Buffy: See that's exactly it. We got into this big argument about me killing his friends. He said he understood my job, but now I'm not so sure, then there's this whole thing about me being descended from Slayer's, and as it turns out they're incarnated from the same darkness that makes vampires. For some reason I can't tell him about this, every time I just freeze up. I mean what's he going to think, and what are other's going to think once they know? I can't even tell my old Watcher. His name's Giles he moved away to England. Then there's the money problem. I slay seven days a week, well 5 now. Spike helps with patrolling. He's so sweet with things like that. But I'm still going to have to get yet another real daytime job soon. (She sits adjacent to the vamp who has taken a seat on one of the grave sites. Listening to her woos.)
Vamp: So why not just tell him. Come out and say it. Life's too short. Well not always, look what happened to me. But weather you're living or dead it's about the moments, and once they pass they don't always come back. Wish I'd told my wife and kids how much I loved them, before getting turned vamp.
Buffy: You know. You're right. Thanks for all the help, and for sitting and listening.
Vamp: Hey no problem. You probably have other vamps that you have to dust, we should probably get back to the thing.
Buffy: The thing?
Vamp: Points to stake in her hand.
Buffy: Oh yeah that's right. Don't take it the wrong way. I really like you. You seem like a nice vamp. But it's just, it's my job.
Vamp: Hey no need to apologize we all go to make a living. Sides wasn't sure what I was going to do for the next hundred years or so. I was a salesman before I got bit. Went to the wrong house and here I am. Sides if I live for a thousand years, don't think I'll find anything as interesting as a vampire slayer married to a vampire.
Buffy: Thanks for understanding, you've been really nice about the whole thing. (She points, her stake into him.)
Vamp: NO, proble... (He turns to dust and desolves around her.)
Buffy: (Talking to herself.) Yeah this is my job. He's right. So what if Spike doesn't like it. (Thinking to herself, as she walks off.) You meet some of the nicest vampires in graveyards. (Stake in hand she goes threw the grave yard, and gets ready for night of slaying. Once finished she puts her stake away and gets ready to go home, feeling good.)
At the Bronze. Spikes is looking to make some clean cash.
Spike: So let me get this straight. All I have to do is walk around looking all non conspicuous like and I see anything happening and I put a stop to it?
Demo: Yeah that's right. The Bronze is a great little hang out spot, but as part of our new license agreement, we agreed to have bouncers in the joint. Now nobody wants to see bouncers hanging round the place, so this is what you do. You just walk around, plain cloths should be fine, what you're wearing blends in just fine with the place. There's been talk about regulars going missing. People just stop coming, but there is talk that people go missing from here under strange circumstances. Plus everyone in a while we get these weird customers and the place gets trashed. It's been remodeled several times over the last few years. That kind of things bad for business so were gonna try it and see how things go.
Spike: Yeah sounds good. So I just walk around looking all non conspicuous and your gonna pay me money?
Demo: That's the gist of it. (Walks over to Spike and puts his hand on his shoulder.) Now I don't want this to put you off from the job, but we've gotten some weird reports. People with odd looking faces, and all kinds of black magic stuff going on. Personally I think it's just good old fashioned drug use, but there are some people that will tell ya. (He laughs in a conspiratal manner.) Some people will tell ya, they have seen ...get this. Vampires at the Bronze.
Spike: (Gets a real uncomfortable look on his face.) Vampires you don't say?
Demo: Now I told you not to let it scare you off, we all know that kind of stuff is just nonsense, but just to keep the regulars happy, you see anything weird you check it out. (Laughs again.) Can you believe how stupid some people are? Yeah Dracula's gonna come to the bar and ask for a Miller light.
Spike: Actually he drinks Heineken.
Demo: (Gives him an odd look. Then breaks out into laughter.) That's a good one, "actually he drinks Heineken." I can see were gonna get along just fine. Remember you see anything that goes bump in the night, you check it out.
Spike: That's me, creature of the night here. Putting a stop to all manner of unpleasant beasties.
Demo: That's the spirit. Now you said you could start right away.
Spike: Pays by the hour doesn't it?
Demo: Yeah!
Spike: Then I'm your guy.
Demo: We'll start you out with three days a week and see how things go from there. Welcome aboard. Remember anything scary in the place you're the guy.
Spike: Yeah that's me grrr arrgghh.
Demo: Just kills me with that sense of humor. (Walks off to go see about other happenings in the club.)
Spike: Bet I could kill ya a lot better with these. (He vamps out for a second. Then goes back to his normal face.) Oh well it's a job. Forgot to ask if free beer comes with, that would be a plus.
At a table in the Bronze by herself. Tara sits and eats some pretzels.
Xander: Hey you all by yourself there?
Tara: Yeah. Um, pull up a chair make yourself comfortable.
Xander: So what brings you here? Thought you'd be all busy hitting the books or something like that?
Tara: I pretty much finished with my semester. I'm pre-preparing for next semester and some summer courses. How bout you? What brings you here?
Xander: Had to get out of the house. Driving me crazy there by myself.
Tara: Why where's Anya?
Xander: You haven't heard? She packed up and left me. Just freaked out on me, packed her bags, and as it turns out she's staying with Buffy.
Tara: No I hadn't heard. I haven't been keeping up. I've been busy.
Xander: Yeah, I saw Willow. Said you'd been busy. Haven't really seen ya much since the wedding.
Tara: Haven't really been around much.
Xander: I hear you. Uncomfortable right?
Tara: Sometimes. Me and Willow are ok. But it's hard sometimes. (She sounds a little sad too.) But what ya gonna do right. It's all part of growing up.
Xander: Know what you mean. (Thinks about his fight with Anya.) All part of growing up. (Sees Spike walking by their table.) Hey what are you doing here?
Spike: Working.
Xander: What do you mean working?
Spike: Just what I said working.
Xander: Standing around, lurking, doing nothing, you call that working?
Spike: Yeah. And I get paid for it too.
Xander: You get paid to stand around here and do nothing?
Spike: I don't just do nothing, I hang out, look for big bads and smash heads.
Xander. Things you would be doing any way?
Spike: Yeah, but this way I get paid.
Xander: Where was I when this job was being handed out?
Spike: Guess the early bird catches the worm.
Xander: You are not an early bird., cause then you would be all dusty, and big pile of dusty. If you were an early bird.
Spike: (Sees Tara.) Hey Tara. How you doing?
Tara: Doing good, how have things been going since the wedding?
Spike: Going good. I'm a married and working man now.
Tara: So I heard. How'd you land this gig?
Spike: Over heard some guy talking bout an opening. Cash under the table. No id. Required. No uniform. Just my usual relaxed self. Hanging, chilling.
Tara: That sounds cool. So what does Buffy think of all this?
Spike: She doesn't know yet. I just started today. Plus don't want her knowing till I see how it goes. Don't want her going all crazy on me again. For-what-ever reason.
Xander: You too? Having problems? The old home fire not as hot as it was a few weeks ago? Pull up a chair do tell. (Sounds excited and happy bout Spike's misery.)
Tara: Xander stop being so mean. Spike pull up a chair, fill us in on what happened. Xander was just telling me about Anya. So what's happening with you and Buffy?
Spike: (He sits down.) Well for starters. She tried to kill me.
Xander: You too?
Spike: Buffy tried to kill you? Maybe it's some kind of weird Slayer gets married goes all crazy thing like that Angelus spell.
Xander: NO not Buffy. Anya tried to kill me.
Spike: Oh see that I believe. That bird of yours is crazy. But she tells great stories.
Xander: Why don't we go back to your story. (Positions himself more comfortably and looks interested.) So Buffy tried to kill ya hun. Already? (Sounds consolatory.) Come on and tell uncle Xander all about it., and don't leave out any of the juicy details.
Spike: More like dusty details. (Turns to face Tara, ignoring Xander.) She tried to turn me into a big dusty pile.
Tara: How'd she do that? (Sounds concerned.)
Spike: Pushed me outside in the middle of the bleeding day.
Xander: Yeah that will do it every time.
Spike: (Gives Xander a look, then continues.) Then she goes bizarre about me not liking her job, and I made the mistake of mentioning Dru.
Tara: (She and Xander in unison) Oh. (With pained expressions.) That will do it every time.
Spike: Yeah but I didn't mean to. Next thing I know saw the white light and my undead life almost flashing before me.
Xander: Women, they are tricky creatures. (Sees Tara.) No offense.
Tara: Hey none taken. Know what you mean.
Xander: For me it was the "W" word, and that did it. Rolling pin straight to the head.
Tara: (Her and Spike in unison, with shocked expressions on their faces.) Anya owns a rolling pin?
Spike: Didn't think she cooked.
Xander: She doesn't. It's mine. I use it to make these cute little pies she likes so much. It came as a matching set with the apron. (Sees them both looking at him.) What?
Tara: Hey as bad as I feel for you both, I top the list. Mine played with my mind literally. Erased my memories. Twice. At least your women let you keep yours.
Spike: See what you mean. Red acts all quite, but I bet she's got quite the temper when she's ready.
Tara: Well she is kinda feisty at times, but that can be a good thing at times if ya know what I mean? (She raises her eye brows at the guys.)
Spike: So that's how it is. Don't think I've seen this side of you before.
Xander: I haven't either. That last image so, so trying to get it out of my mind. But it oddly doesn't want to go.
Tara: Oh please. I make one little comment, and you blush. What about you and Anya all the time?
Xander: What we don't go on that much.
Spike: Oh please. (Does his high pitched Anya voice) Xander lets go have sex now. Xander tell them where we had sex last night, Xander tell them about how many times we...
Xander: (Cuts him off.) Ok maybe a little bit. But what's all this talk I hear about you and Buffy, and all the great sex you have?
Spike: Not from me ya didn't. She uses the word great? (He smiles proudly.)
Xander: Oh yeah you missed an afternoon of girl talk. Just me Anya, Willow, Buffy, and you the topic of conversation. I can see why though with your, bulging arms and intense eyes and...
Spike: (Gives Xander an odd look and moves closer to Tara.)
Xander: I've been spending way too much time in the company of women, I so need some good old fashioned male bonding that does not have Spike as the topic of conversation. Besides.... I've been without Anya's good old fashioned loving for well over a week now. She practically living with you and Buffy. If I don't get some soon, I'm going to... (Looks over at Tara, and see the inquiring smirk on her face.) I'm going to run out of cold water really soon.
Spike: Know what you mean. Since she tried to kill me. I've been back at the crypt. We made up and stuff, but I'm sassing stuff out, been going by everyday to check up on stuff, but we haven't you know ...made up in that other way.
Xander: So I'm not the only one on a dry spell?
Tara: Is it guys only, or can I join the club? (They both nod. She holds up a glass to toast. They hold up their bottles.) To the dry spell club.
Xander: May it be broken soon and I mean soon. (Has that antsy look on his face again.) I'm so in the mood for some of Anya's (Sees them both looking at him.) Let's just call it home cooking shall we, and I do mean sex if ya missed it.
Spike: Well we know you didn't mean cooking, cause your bird doesn't cook. Sides I know she misses you. She's acting more wonky than when you're round the house. A couple soft words from you and she'd melt like butter.
Xander: Do ya really think so?
Spike: Know it for a fact. Sides soft words don't work, try torture, use to work with Dru like a charm.
Xander: I'll keep that in mind. Tara how bout you and Willow, I know she misses you like crazy.
Tara: It's just really complicated, she violated my trust, and I'm not sure I trust that she wouldn't do that again. But I do miss her too. I miss being no more than friends. (Sounds a little sad.)
Spike: Well I know Buffy misses me, guess the question is what we gonna do, bout all this missing and no loving? I think we should... (Just then they are interrupted by some pretty hungry customers.)
Tara: Uh...Uh...Uh... Va-vampires. Two o'clock.
Spike: (Goes into action. He starts punching, kicking and dusting some vamp butt.) Hey none of that in here. I work here now, can't have all that free blood sampling going on.
Xander: (Gets into the action as well.) Yeah it's not free blood and beer night you dolts.
Tara: (Smashing her glass over the head of one vamp.) Yeah it's free pretzels, not free sample night. I hope you all see your insect reflections, and die.
Spike: (He and Xander stop fighting for a sec and they both give Tara the oddest look.)
Tara: What? You both got to say something witty, so I wanted to say something witty too. (Then they all go back to fighting.)
Spike: (He continues to fight. He then gets thrown back into a pole, as he pulls back his hand to punch a vamp, he accidentally hits one of the regulars of the club with his elbow, and he gets his signature headache.)
Xander: That's what you get for hitting a human. See the chip is still fully working. Amazing work those initiative guys did.
Spike: Thanks for the sympathy. (He recovers and dusts the two vamps closest to him.) They pay me for this, and I get a free beer a night, and they say all dogs don't go to heaven.
Xander: (Punches one onto the floor, and Tara stakes it. She carries a stake from all the time she's spent hanging out with the Scoobies.)
Tara: Hey can we split the cash? I just dusted one.
Spike: No but I'll buy you a beer. (Feels good about what they just did, as he watches the rest of the vamps run off.) Fact beers on me for the rest of the night.
Demo: No my friend. Make that beers on me for the rest of the night, for you and your friends here. I saw what you did out there. You had those punks quivering in their boots. I saw the way they took off, why they were practically quaking, and turning to jelly in their boots.
Tara: Actually it was more like dust.
Demo: More like dust. (Then he laughs.) Oh that's another vampire joke. You kids crack me up.
Xander: But they were va.. (Sees Spike shaking his head.) Very jelly like. Vamps, who ever heard of such a thing. Why we'd probably all be quaking in our boots if we were around vamps.
Spike: Yeah, I know I'd be. I mean quaking that is.
Tara: (Doesn't sound convincing.) Yeah me too, except they don't exist ...right.
Demo: Kid, I like what you did out there. How bout we move ya from temporary status to a regular gig. We'll iron out the details later, but anything you need, just let me know.
Spike: Well... You think I could get an advance.
Demo: Got some woman you want to impress hun?
Spike: Actually two of them. (Remembers Anya.) Well actually three of them.
Demo: (Laughs.) The boy can't even keep count. Knew I was going to like you. Tell ya what, stop by my office, end of your shift. See what I can do. (He goes to leave. Turns back. Remember kids don't let the bogey man bite.)
Xander: Actually he doesn't bite, he's more like to be invisible, and just suck the life out of you. Hangs round children wards at hospitals, kinda looks like Freddy.
Demo: Where do you kids come up with this stuff. Laughs and walks away.
After he leaves they all settle down again. What no one saw was the guy lurking in the corner who over heard their earlier conversation about Spike's chip. Warren leaves sneaks out of the Bronze a lot happier than when he came in.
Tara: What's his story? I mean with the whole denial thing. He must have seen at least one of those vamps turning to dust?
Xander: People see what they want to see. Things are invisible to them if they want it to be. Guess he see a bunch of street punks who ran off scared.
Spike: Plus a huge disbelief in vamps. Guess people can fit the script to whatever, their beliefs are. Sides it's not like when you all kept forgetting that Ben was Glory, and Glory Ben.
Tara: (Her and Xander in unison.) Ben was glory?
Spike: (Shakes and holds down his head.)
Xander: (He and Tara exchange amused glances.)
They hang out a little longer then each makes there way home to their destinations. Spike a little richer. Xander feeling a little better, and Tara feeling a little more included again.
The next day.
Somewhere in another part of town, the Troika have recently returned to town. They have been hiding out since the passing away of Warrens girlfriend Katrina. They have made a brief return to Sunny dale.
Warren: I have a theory. I've been reading all the data that I have on the computer from last time, when Spike wanted to know if the chip was working. I can see what the signal does, but I don't know what happens if we change the feed. Manipulate it a bit. Play with the input and output. Here is what I discovered. At the club Xander mentioned something called the initiative. Couldn't find any mention of it anywhere. So I did some research through some top secret government files, which I hacked into. This is what I discovered. They were operating out of Sunnydale a couple years ago. Some secret Government project designed to control the demon population of Sunnydale. Everything went wrong, and they nuked the lab, and cemented it.
Jonathan: Ok, I still don't see what this has to do with us?
Andrew: Unless they were doing experiments and were going to have super mutants like X-men or something. (Looks hopeful.)
Warren: Don't make me hit you. NO this pertains to us because according to this, one of the hostiles they did this experiment on got loose and is still residing in Sunnydale.
Andrew: Are they invisible, like the invisible man, or like that ray gun we invented? Is that why they never got caught?
Warren: NO but you do know him. He's right here residing in Sunnydale. Says that before Hostile 17 escaped, according to these files they put a little chip in his head. Seems it doesn't allow him to hurt any living creature without intense neurological pain. Can't hunt, can't feed. Basically a defanged puppy. Know who hostile 17 is?
Jonathan: Spike?
Warren: Give the man a cookie. That's right, very good. (He pats him on the back.) So they aren't really very clear with the particulars and it gives a lot of room for interpretation, but this is what I theorize.
Andrew: Oh good now we get to hear your theory. After that long villenous lead in. I would have gone to the good stuff first.
Warren: Any way. What I theorize is, the chip works by picking up chemical reactions in the brain. Now our bodies know when we wanna hurt someone, it does this through chemicals that get released.
Jonathan: (Interrupting.) But you said he could hurt those vamps.
Warren: Yeah I'm getting to that. Apparently he can hurt vamps, demons, dead things, along that line.
Andrew: But you said he hit that guy, and got hurt. How does he know if he's hitting a vamp or a demon?
Warren: That's the beauty of it. He doesn't.
Jonathan: (He and Andrew both look lost.) Hun?
Warren: (Explaining.) He doesn't but his body does. See he can't consciously tell vamp from demon all the time, but his body can. Subconsciously. We are all sending out and receiving chemicals all the time, pheromones and other things. All sorts of stuff, we don't even know about, even though he's dead, or maybe especially cause he's dead his body is constantly picking up on these signals, weather he knows it or not. Probably part of the hunting instincts. We do the same thing, but probably to a lesser degree.
Jonathan: So his body knows human from demon, even if he consciously doesn't?
Warren: Exactly! So that's why he could for example point a knife at me have a violent intent towards me and get a headache. Does the same thing with a demon no headache, cause his body knows the difference. Also as long as he's got no violent intent to harm, he could say spank Andrew here. As long as it was just for fun, with no harmful intent.
Jonathan: So he could pin ya to the floor as long as it's him showing or demonstrating a wrestling move?
Warren: Exactly. Now keep in mind the theory is a work in progress, but with a lot of variables and room for interpretation. So I know what it does, pretty sure I know how it works, and I have all the components of the signals from when he ah, (smirks here. Tries to do Spikes voice.) Had me look at his chip.
Andrew: If that's some kind of British slang, cause we are not ga...
Warren: Would you relax. So now the question is what are we, what am I going to do with all this info? (Grins and rubs his hands together.)
Jonathan: Well if he can't hurt us, we don't have to be afraid anymore.
Warren: Come on think bigger. Let's have some fun with it.
Andrew: What do you have in mind? I hope it's nothing too bad.
Warren: What if we could trick the signal into thinking he wanted to hurt people anytime we wanted? The signal picks up on his undead body's chemistry, which he still has. The brain sends out signals still and receives that's why he can drink and get drunk. If we can find a way to manipulate and trick the signal, we could give him a headache anytime we wanted to. Think we could have some fun with that.
Andrew: But that sounds kind of mean. I had a head ache once and...
Warren: Would you stop your whining, we're suppose to be Super Villains. You can't think about nice and not nice. We're just out to have some fun .
Jonathan: (Sounds upset and worried.) Fun? Like what happened with Katrina?
Warren: I told you that was an accident. Besides. I can't believe you're still bringing that up.
Jonathan: You tried to frame Buffy for it and you don't seem to really care.
Warren: Of course I care she was my girlfriend.
Andrew: Yeah I just don't want anyone to get hurt again.
Warren: Not gonna happen. Sides Spike is evil. Who cares what happens to him?
Jonathan: Ah. Buffy might. She already wants to kick our butts if she finds us.
Andrew: That's right cause, we're her arch nemesis.
Jonathan: Also. I heard that, while we were out of town hiding. You might want to sit down for this one. I heard that he and Buffy got married.
Warren: You can't be serious. I know he has a thing for her. God knows he made me build a Buffybot, but married? He must have fallen in love and married the Buffybot.
Andrew: That's just sick and wrong. It's like marrying the blow up doll, Jonathan keeps in the closet.
Jonathan: That blow up doll is for study purposes: Besides the bot was destroyed.
Warren: How are you hearing all this any way?
Jonathan: (Looks a little embarrassed.) Well this girl I like, she has a sister and her and her sister go to school with this guy, who goes to school with this girl, who know Buffy's sister. And that's how I know all this.
Andrew: You like a girl? And she goes to high school with Buffy's sister? That's gross.
Jonathan: "NO it's not, she's eighteen, almost nineteen. She was out for a year for back surgery, and some eye condition which is clearing up nicely.
Warren: Like I said, we're just going to have some fun.
Andrew: (Sounding sad again.) Promise not like what happened with Katrina?
Warren: I'm tired of telling you nothing is going to go wrong this time.
Jonathan: How can you be so sure? What if someone dies. I don't want anyone else to die.
Warren: Would you stop sounding like such a girl. NO ones going to die.
Andrew: You tried to kill Buffy with the invisible gun. That's wasn't very nice. And I still think we should have gone to the police.
Warren: What's wrong with you, are you crazy? Go to the police. You know what they'd do to you? After they locked us all up and threw away the keys. You would be put in some prison cell and be sweet meant for guys named butch. You and Jonathan. Now is that what you want?
Jonathan: No. But I just don't want to see anyone else get hurt. Especially not Buffy.
Warren: I told you guys no police. Now I'm tired of having this discussion with you. We're super villains right? Start acting like it.
Jonathan: Well you know what Warren, we're getting sick of listening to you. And doing everything you say. You should grow up.
Andrew: (He stays quite, but nods in agreement.)
Jonathan: Another thing, I don't even think I want to do this anymore. I'm not sure I want to be a super villain. I think I want to be on the side of good. Know why?
Warren: NO. But enlighten me.
Jonathan: Cause all evil needs is for good men to do nothing.
Warren: What's that like the quote of the day? What'd you read that off the back of a cereal box or something?
Jonathan: NO. I got it off some bumper sticker that was stuck above the video game I was playing.
Andrew: What game were you playing?
Jonathan: (Sounds embarrassed.) Sailor Moon.
Andrew: (Giggles.)
Jonathan: Don't laugh. I almost got high score. Well seventh, but I made the top ten.
Warren: Oh yeah that's a goal to work for.
Andrew: Ever notice how hot that sailor Venus is? She just make me want to...
Warren: We're talking about a video game here. Besides sailor Uranus is the hottest.
Andrew: (Giggles again.) Uranus.
Warren: Sides Jonathan. You wanna fight for the side of good now? You think the side of good is going to want you, after what we've done?
Jonathan: I haven't done anything.
Warren: Do you really think they'll see it that way? Do you think Buffy will see it that way? Face it you leave here and your done for. Sides what are we talking about evil here? Come on guys you know me. Sides where are you gonna go? It's one for all and all for one. So you with me or not?
Andrew: (Kind of wanting to keep the group together.) Well I've always liked the musketeers.
Jonathan: Yeah pathos was the best. (Looks at them.) I guess I'm still in. But no one gets hurt.
Warren: See I knew you'd see things my way. No one's gonna get hurt. And besides, Aramis was the best musketeer.
They continue to argue, and converse about several other Troika, topics of conversation.
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