A/N: I know this isn't my most polished of works and that I'm probably lowering the bar for myself, but I can't restrain the typing. Please don't think less of me. Still, flames seem fitting for this story, so feel free to UNLEASH THE RAGE!!!

Flight to the Ford

            Bobby found the forests beyond the Shire to be an enchanting place. He spent much of his time talking with its various creatures. They gave him many useful tips, like arraying himself in twigs and berries so as not to draw attention to himself and commonsense things like licking the trees and spinning around ten times before resting under them. Why? Bobby never really questioned the purple and pink striped cat with the vanishing body. Bobby knew he was wise. Occasionally, his forest friends would send him news about things from beyond as well as things from behind.

            It was from them he found out that he was being pursued by those in the Shire who would seek to imprison him again. Not the least of them being that evil serpent, Frodo and that crazy old Gandalf.

            As he stopped to rest he recalled the first time he had met with Gandalf. It was back before the days of the Hillside Hobbit House.

            It was lovely summer afternoon and people had gathered from across the Shire to partake of the summer's festival. Bilbo was telling more of his lies to the little hobbits and Frodo was doing a strange chicken dance, no doubt it was some sort of evil incantation against him. "Come on Bobby!" he cried. "Join the party!"

            But Bobby knew better. It was then that he saw the old man's arrival. Tall was he, and his features hidden under a massive beard and a wide brimmed hat. Clever, thought Bobby. Very clever.

            "He does not fool you, does he Bobby?" asked the flower by his side.

            "No he certainly does not. A sorcerer is he. Evil and wicked."

            "You should burn him, Bobby! Burn him!"

            "That's your solution to everything, isn't it?" replied Bobby exasperated.

            "Have you a better idea?" asked the flower knowingly.

            "Well no…I guess not." And so Bobby proceeded toward the wizard with courage that is found only in the insane.

            "Why what have we here," spoke the treacherous wizard with an evil smile. "Young Bobby Baggins, is it not?"

            "No, no!" cried Bobby as he covered his ears. "Do not speak my name you will put a spell on it!" The wizard then reached out to him with a hand, meaning to choke him, for sure.

            "Calm down little one. There's no need for that. Bilbo!" he called turning aside to where Bilbo sat corrupting the youth. "I believe your nephew needs a bit of calming." But as he turned back to meet Bobby, he was met with a cool splash of ale being thrown in his face.

            "What the!? What is the meaning of this?" But before Gandalf could react further, Bobby heroically thrust a lit torch in his face, setting his long beard ablaze.

            "Whahahahahah!!...." laughed Bobby. "I have smote you demon! Now burn to your doom!!" Bobby was ecstatic in his success. All the other Shirelings swarmed about him joining in the frenzy. "Burn!! BURN!!"

            A yes, thought Bilbo returning to the present, that was a summer to remember. Unfortunately he had underestimated the wizard's power and the next day he had found the whole town bewitched by his spell. And Bobby was forever banished to the Hillside House.

            "We will not underestimate him again, will we Bobby?" the flower prodded in that familiar, sinister voice he oh so loved.

            "No my friend. We will not. But enough lingering here, Flower. Gather together the pink bunnies and the purple squirrels and do not forget the elephants, we will need many allies in our upcoming war. We will make our way to Rivendell—land of the elves. And there we will make many new alliances and cast out all evil from the world."

            "Oh Bobby, you are very wise."

            "Yes. I am very wise."

            "And very noble."

            "Yes. Very noble."

            "And handsome too…"

            "Very handsome…"

Braving the unknown, Bobby perilously made his way across the many obstacles of Middle Earth. On a mighty quest was he. Surely there would be sung many a fair song about the journeying of Bobby 'the insane' Baggins.

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"Come quickly Frodo. Your cousin moves swiftly," Gandalf urged as they neared the town of Bree. Along the way they had met up with our three other loveable hobbits. Why they came along you ask? Well, why not? The more the merrier. Besides, they needed someone to carry the bags and certainly a wizard could not be expected to clomp his own coconuts.

"Gandalf?" asked Sam. "Wouldn't it be a lot easier to just take real horses? Using these coconuts seems a bit silly."

"It is insane, I know," replied Gandalf. "But we are tracking a very unusual hobbit. One that is not quite right in the mind. We must think like him."

"You mean crazy?" asked Merry skeptically.

"Precisely!" he replied.

"But--," protested Pippin.

"Silence, hobbits! Do not question the ways of wizards. Quickly now." They continued for a moment. "I don't hear any clomping," said the wizard in a warning tone.

"Oh right, sorry Gandalf," Sam replied as they all began clomping the coconuts once again.

"This is so stupid," whispered Merry to the others. But he was quickly silenced by a harsh look from Gandalf.

They had come to the Inn of the Prancing Pony and there they decided to rest for the night. With the hobbits all safely tucked in, Gandalf lingered near the bar to speak with his friend Butterbur, the owner.

"For many days now we have been tracking a strange hobbit. I believe he may have passed through Bree. Tell me have you seen anyone so unusual?"

"Many strange folk pass through these parts, Master Gandalf." The wizard sighed as if defeated.

"I fear that I have lost his trail," he said sadly.

"Although," remembered Butterbur, "A few nights ago there was talk of a strange little hobbit hiding amongst the shadows of the streets. They say he was up all the night spooking the horses and muttering fanciful things to himself. Acting very peculiar."

"That must be him! Any idea where he has gone?"

"None, sir. He just up and disappeared one night." Gandalf was crestfallen once more. "Thank you for your time, my friend." Butterbur nodded and left the wizard to his own brooding.

"Somehow I did not expect to see you here, Gandalf," spoke a familiar voice from behind. Gandalf turned to meet the ranger.

"Strider, it is in these parts, is it not?" Gandalf asked the cloaked figure.

Strider nodded. "We have much news to discuss, Gandalf, but we shouldn't do it here. Come, let us go to my room." And Strider led the way upstairs where they were soon trading information concerning the rumored return of the ring of power.

Having lost the path of Bobby, Gandalf, Strider, and the four hobbits decided that the best course would be to seek the council of Elrond. Thus they set their path toward Rivendell, where all great adventures must begin. 

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A/N: I know I'm not the only one out there with a pent up, twisted, imagination directed toward the bringing of chaos and doom to the peoples of M.E. Share with me your visions fellow psychotics…review…