Disclaimer: not mine blah blah blah

A/N: Ok I know some people aren't gonna be happy with some of this chapter but remember I do nothing without a reason so please bear with me and don't hate me too much! This chapter is definitely R rated so no reading if your not supposed to...everyone else – enjoy! Love you all!

Chapter 21: Saying 'I love you'

Spike hadn't moved for three days. He hadn't eaten and he hadn't slept. All he did was think...which it turns out is a dangerous pastime. He hadn't been able to face going back to his cold empty crypt, which reminded him of just how alone he was once more. So he'd come back here with Dawn. She'd understood, she'd left him alone; she knew something of how he felt because she was feeling it herself.

Xander had protested of course, but only minimally, even he could see how much pain the vampire was in. Of course the other Scooby's had been reluctant to let him stay in the house with Dawn as well, he'd seen it in their faces. Xander was simply the only one bold enough to speak out directly. Dawn had stepped in in the end, saying she wanted him there, that Buffy would have wanted him there. Eventually they had reached some kind of agreement. Spike would be allowed to stay as long as Willow and Tara moved in as well to keep an eye on things.

Spike hadn't been involved in these discussions of course. They had all gone on around him. He'd just absorbed whatever snippets of information had floated up from the living room. Had he been able to muster the energy to contribute he would have made some snarky comment about them trying to make him move if that's what they decided. He didn't have the energy. So instead he just lay still, on Buffy's bed and remembered...

It had been a very long couple of days for everyone. First Glory brain sucks Tara, and then she finds out about Dawn forcing them all to go on the run in a Winnebago of all things. At least the Scooby's had agreed to put their Spike hostility on hold while there were more pressing issues to be dealt with. As it turned out going on the run didn't last too long. After those creepy knights attacked them they'd been holed up in that gas station for quite a while. When Ben showed up to help an injured Giles they'd never expected him to turn into Glory and take Dawn, and they certainly hadn't figured on the slayers mental shut down. Willow had come through with that spell though, and now Buffy was on the warpath!

"You get the weapons from the living room." Buffy instructed as she and Spike arrived as her house. "I'll get the ones from my room."

"Right." Spike replied, this was no time for bantering. "Just a couple of good axes should do us. Don't want to be weighed down."

Buffy had stopped by the foot of the stairs when he had started to speak and was just watching him as he handled the weapons with practiced ease, testing them for their suitability. She watched him as he prepared to follow her into battle, as he'd always claimed he would. She knew at that moment that he would die for her...but she still had to ask.

"You know we're not all going to make it." She said simply. It wasn't a question, just an unfortunate fact.

"I know." Spike replied quietly, still studying the weapons intently, when he did turn to her it was with a barest of smiles. "Always knew I'd go down fighting!"

He was trying to make this easier for her, to let her know that whatever happened he had done it of his own free will.

"I'm counting on you." She told him. "To protect her."

"Till the end of the world." He insisted. There was no hint of uncertainty in his voice. He meant what he was saying, and it was just what she had wanted to hear. "Even if that happens to be tonight." He added with a hint of his usual smirk.

It was that phrase that struck Buffy; 'if that happens to be tonight'. She looked at this man before and saw everything he had done for her, everything he had become. He was her best friend, he was her most trusted confidant...and he was the man she loved. She decided in that instant that if the world did end tonight, she wanted to die knowing that he had known how much she loved him. "Come with me Spike," She asked quietly, turning and walking up the stairs towards her room. She didn't look behind to check that Spike was following; she knew he would be.

Spike stopped in the doorway of Buffy's room, unsure what was happening. She was standing in the centre of the room, looking around, taking everything in as if trying to memorise it.

"Luv?" He asked softly, "What's going on?"

Buffy turned to him then, a look of resolve on her face. "Spike, I love you."

Spike smiled uncertainly. "I know that Buffy, and you know I love you."

"But I want to show you Spike, I want to show you how much I love you." She told him.

Spike didn't ask her what she meant, he didn't need to. It hadn't been a conscious decision not to take their relationship to this level before. It had been a mutual understanding that they both wanted to be ready. They knew that if they took this step there would be no going back, and they had both been hurt too many times in the past to risk themselves so quickly. He knew why she was doing this now. She was certain that either one or both of them wasn't going to make it home in the morning. She wanted to do this because she thought it was going to be their last chance.

"Buffy we don't have to..." He began, wanting to tell her there was no need to rush, that they would have all the time in the world...but all reassurances were stuck in his throat. He couldn't tell her what he was unsure of himself.

Buffy walked up to him, gently taking his head in her hands, locking her gaze with his. "Make love to me Spike." She whispered. He felt the warm brush of her breath against his lips and knew that he was lost. Closing his eyes, he brought his hand up and tangled it in Buffy's hair. He groaned when he felt her tongue dart out and touch his cool lips. Wrapping his arms around her, Spike pulled Buffy down on top of him onto the bed. Buffy felt Spike's cool hands under her shirt, causing her to shiver. Her movement, in turn, caused Spike to become even more aroused than he was due to kissing Buffy. Spike began to nip and lick at her neck, and then pushed her gently into a sitting position straddling his thighs so he could remove her top. He immediately put his mouth over one exposed nipple, suckling it.

Buffy thrust her hips in response to the pleasure Spike was creating. She ran her hands through his short hair, pressing him to her. Spike moved from one breast to the other, kissing and licking a path down one full, tanned globe and up the other. He lightly bit her nipple with his blunt teeth, tugging on it, making her rub her hips forward again. Her fingers tightened around the material of his tee shirt, and she moaned in the back of her throat. Spike licked up from her breast along the column of her throat until he reached her mouth. He plunged his tongue inside the moist cavern of her mouth, sweeping her into a desire-filled kiss.

Gently lifting Buffy off his lap, Spike laid her down before stripping off his shirt and shoes, giving Buffy the opportunity to remove the rest of her clothes as well. Leaning over her, still wearing his jeans, Spike began kissing Buffy again, running his hands up and down her body, loving the feel of her warm skin. He felt Buffy's hand on his back, scratching him lightly with her nails.

"Please," Buffy said breathlessly, arching up against Spike with her hips when he moved his lips to her neck.

Spike leaned back and looked into her desire filled eyes. "You sure, luv?" Buffy nodded and reached for the fastening of his jeans. "You are so beautiful," Spike told her once he was divested of his clothes, running his gaze over her naked form before leaning into kiss her once more.

He moved over her, into her, not once breaking the kiss. The love he held for her he tried to show with each thrust, with each sweep of his tongue against hers, with each tear that fell silently down his cheek at knowing this could be their one and only time together, the salty taste mingling with the kiss.

Finally, he raised his head to look down at her. Her fingers brushed the tears on his cheeks, the gentle touch causing him to have to choke back a sob. He quickly hid his face near her neck, and he felt her hands stroke the back of his hair. Shifting, his hand found her most sensitive spot and he brought her to a quiet climax, her whisper of his name on her lips. After he'd followed her into his own climax, she held his trembling body close to her.

"I love you."

...

When the Scooby's had left, Willow and Tara promising to be back as soon as they had packed a bag, Dawn slowly walked to Buffy's room. It was there that she found the quietly sobbing vampire curled around Buffy's pillow, lost in a grief Dawn couldn't imagine. She knew nothing she could say would make it better for either of them; she knew it wouldn't even help to try. Rather than try to find some inadequate words to soothe him, she moved to the edge of the bed and shuffled back so she rested against the headboard. If Spike was aware of her presence he didn't show it. Gently she pulled him closer to her until his head rested in her lap and stroked his hair, offering what little comfort she could.

A/N: Please don't hate me! Don't worry – you know she comes back!