Disclaimer: Not mine etc.

A/N: I'm afraid I have bad news. I've got a lot of RL work on for the next week so I'm afraid updates aren't going to be as regular for a few days – Don't worry too much though, I'm not going anywhere! Some of this dialogue is taken directly from Afterlife. Thanks for the reviews people – love you all!

Chapter 22: The high cost of living

It had been 147 days since Buffy had been gone. 147 fitful nights woken by nightmares. 147 days of watching over Dawn. 147 nights fighting side by side with the Scooby's. 147 times he'd had to convince himself not to take a day light stroll! It hadn't been this bad when Drusilla had gone. He tried to think of what he'd done to make the pain less at the time, then he remembered he'd had Buffy to make it better and that just made him feel worse. It had been Dawn who'd eventually managed to coax him out of Buffy's room to eat. He wouldn't have bothered himself but Dawn had broken down, yelling at him that she had lost everyone else and he wasn't allowed to leave her as well. So he'd pulled himself out of his stupor for her.

He'd eventually gone back to his crypt; it had eventually become too painful to be there. Not to mention the hateful glances Xander sent his way whenever they were unable to avoid each other. Spike had tried to stay silent and let the whelp think what he wanted. He didn't care if he had their acceptance and he'd never sought it...it had been what Buffy wanted and now she was gone. One day however he'd snapped, unable to help himself.

Xander had felt enough time had passed for the vampire to get over whatever fixation he'd had with the slayer and had told him to leave, to let Dawn grieve in peace. Spike hadn't bothered to point out that he'd been planning on going back to his crypt anyway; he'd just shrugged and gone to find Dawn to tell her he was going. Xander of course had of course though that he'd won some kind of victory over the vampire and had used it as an excuse to taunt him, telling Spike he'd turned into a wuss now his girlfriend wasn't around to stand up for him any more. That in its self hadn't bothered Spike so much. It had been the whispered comment under his breath about Spike only having wanted Buffy as a bodyguard that had sent Spike into a rage.

It had been pretty pathetic as far as rages went. He'd only hit Xander once, breaking his nose. But it had been enough for the Scooby's to withdraw any ground he might have gained with them. Spike tried to care but he couldn't muster the effort. He'd found it almost amusing that despite their obvious distrust and subtle hints that he should get out of Sunnydale they still looked to him to watch over Dawn and to patrol with them every night. Good enough to use as muscle but not good enough to love Buffy. He would have laughed if it hadn't been so tragic.

But now he wasn't miserable, he was furious. He'd ordered Dawn to stay safe inside when the gang of biker demons had come to won upon hearing of the slayers demise, but naturally she hadn't listened. She'd run off somewhere for God knows what reason and he was livid. He'd fought off the group that had been ravaging that neighbourhood and had returned to check on Dawn and she hadn't been there. He'd tried to follow her scent, killing everything in his path but he'd found himself going in circles winding up back at 1630 Revello.

"Dawn!" he yelled, coming through the door. "Dawn are you there?"

"I'm here." he heard her call and he breathed out a sigh of relief as he saw her coming down the stairs.

"Thank God!" Spike breathed unnecessarily. "You scared me half to death...well more to death. I could kill you!" It wasn't an exaggeration. He'd already lost two Summers women; he didn't want to loose the other one – unless he was the one who killed her for doing something foolish!

"Spike..." Dawn tried to interrupt to no avail, Spike was on a roll!

"I mean it!" he ranted, "I could rip your head off once handed and drink from the brain stem!"

Dawn winced at the imagery and held little doubt that he was serious. Spike rarely got angry with her and whenever he did it was serious. Fortunately she was pretty sure she had something that would calm him down this time. "Look." She instructed softly, indicating the figure that was slowly descending the stairs behind her.

Spike looked behind Dawn and instantly did a double take. Any anger he had been feeling suddenly disappeared, replaced with wonder and confusion. Walking towards him was none other than Buffy. Part of him wanted to run and grab her in his arms and never let go. Part of him screamed that this was some cruel nightmare and wanted to fall to the floor in a quivering heap. All he could do was watch her, an expression of overwhelming awe on his face.

"She's kind of erm..." Dawn began, unsure how to explain this more subdued Buffy. "She's been through a lot, with the death. But I think she's ok." Dawn looked back to spike to see his reaction, but he hadn't moved. He was simply staring at the impossible vision before him. "Spike, are you ok?" Dawn asked when the vampire had been silent and motionless for far too long.

"I am." He muttered quietly, not taking his eyes off Buffy. "What did you do?"

"Me?" Dawn squeaked, surprised. "Nothing!"

Letting his gaze drift to take all of her in, spike frowned. "Her hands." They were cut and bleeding. As soon as she heard him however. Buffy was quick to hide them from him.

"I was gonna fix them." Dawn insisted. "I don't know how they got like that."

"I do." Spike said quietly, not really speaking to anyone in particular. He knew what she had had to do and it made him feel sick to think about it. How could anyone have put her through that? "Clawed her way out of a coffin that's how! Isn't that right?"

"Yeah." Buffy mumbled, obviously uncomfortable. "That's what I had to do."

"Done it myself." Spike told her, the barest hit of a smile on his lips. Spike sent Dawn off to get bandages and cream for her hands while he led Buffy into the living room. He knew just from looking at her that something was very wrong. Before she had been gone, whenever he walked into a room she would greet him with a smile and a kiss. She was bubbly and full of life. This girl now sitting opposite him barely even seemed to recognise him. He was desperate to grab her in his arms and tell her how much he had missed her, how happy he was that she was back, how much he still loved her...but he got the feeling it wouldn't help to hear that right now. But he'd tell her as soon as she was more like her old self.

Gently he lifted her hands to inspect them more closely, he was really gonna kill whoever had put her through this!

"How long was I gone?" She asked suddenly, startling Spike out of his thoughts.

"147 days yesterday, 148 today." He answered quickly, not even needing to think about it. "Except this morning doesn't count does it?"

Before either of them could say anything else, Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara ran through the door as Dawn came back with handfuls of bandages. Suddenly there seemed to be a hundred voices speaking at once.

"Is she here?"

"She's here!"

"You're here!"

"We didn't know where you were!"

"You ran away!"

"Buffy!"

"Are you ok?"

Spike felt like snorting at the last one. *Does she bloody well look ok? * he thought to himself. Instead of voicing his opinion and adding to the noise of the room however, he simply stood up and moved to the doorway, giving her more space.

"You knew she was back?" Dawn asked the assembled Scooby's. She was answered by a series of head nods. "How did you know?"

Spike didn't have to wait for the answer to that one. He knew exactly how they knew. He was glad he'd moved away else somebody would have been dead. He knew they didn't trust him, but even after he had worked beside them all summer they hadn't told him what they were planning. They knew how much he had grieved for her and they had kept this from him! "We did a spell." Willow informed Dawn.

"You're not a zombie are you?"

"ANYA!"

"Are you in pain?"

"What do you remember?"

"What do you know about what happened?"

Spike growled at this latest round of questions. He could see Buffy shrinking back into the couch. This powerful girl seemed so intimidated right then by the humans surrounding her.

"Back off!" He ordered. Couldn't they see what a state she was in? Xander sneered at Spike and looked as if he was about to come up with a comeback when he was cut off by Dawn.

"He's right guys. Give her some room!" Xander reluctantly nodded. "Is she going to be ok?"

"I'm ok." Buffy mumbled but none of the Scooby's seemed to hear her, too busy wrapped up in their questions to actually hear the answers. Buffy glanced over to where Spike stood leaning against the doorframe, his anger coming off him in waves. Buffy gave him a pleading look and he nodded imperceptibly, knowing what she meant without having to ask. He slipped out of the door unnoticed by everyone else...

Spike sat on his newly acquired motorbike and waited. He didn't have to wait long. Soon he glanced towards the house and saw Buffy climbing out of her bedroom window having made her escape. She quickly ran over to where Spike was and jumped on the back of the bike, wrapping her arms around him. Spike started the bike and headed away from Revello. He didn't tell her where they were going and she didn't ask. All she wanted was to be somewhere else.

Some time later Spike brought them to a stop along the hills over looking Sunnydale. He came up here sometimes to think. There was a beautiful view on clear nights like tonight. You could see the whole town. For the longest time neither of them spoke, just sat and looked at the world in front of them. Both were silent for their own reasons.

"Spike?" Buffy spoke at last.

"Yeah pet?"

"If I ask you something will you promise to tell me the truth?" She asked quietly.

"I haven't been able to lie to you for a long time Buffy." He reminded her. She nodded, accepting this as truth. She took a deep breath before asking her question, and Spike knew that whatever she was going to ask was important. He only hoped he could give her the right answer.

"Were you involved in bringing me back?" She asked, her tone serious. "Did you have anything to do with it?"

"No." he replied. "I didn't know a thing about it until I saw you tonight."

"Good." She replied quietly. "I don't think I could handle having to balme you as well."

Spike was puzzled. "What do you mean Buffy?"

When she looked at him there were tears in her eyes. "I was happy Spike. I was in heaven and they pulled me out of there!"

"Oh God." Spike choked, the sick feeling from earlier coming back tenfold. The happiest day of his life was the worst day of hers. The worst part was that as much as he tried, he couldn't force himself to be sorry that she was back and he felt terrible for it.

They sat in silence for a long time after that, both lost in their own thoughts. Eventually however, the sunrise came close enough to force Spike to find shelter. As he dropped Buffy off out side of her house on his way back to his crypt he could stay silent no longer. He felt so selfish for asking yet not doing so was tearing him apart.

"Buffy," he began quietly. "Do you..." Before he could finish however, Buffy silenced him with a finger against his lips.

"Yes Spike," she told him, knowing what he was going to ask, "I do still love you. But things can't just go back to the way they were before. I need..." She trailed off, unsure how to explain.

"Time?" Spike suggested.

Buffy nodded. "Wait for me?"

Spike smiled softly. "Forever if I have to."

Buffy smiled back. "It wont be forever." She told him.

"However long you need." Spike reassured her. "I love you, I always will."

With a last squeeze of his hand Buffy leaned forward she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and headed back to the house.

A/N: Hope that wasn't too crap! I was fighting writers block for ages! Ah well – more Spuffy soon!