Disclaimer: Nothing is mine dammit!

A/N: Right, the song in this chapter is behind blue eyes. You can say I pilfered it from either limp bizkit or The Who (they're essentially the same except the who version had more verses!). I think I was listening to the limp bizkit one at the time though. OK this chapter is told in alternating points of view – Buffy and Spike obviously. I know it's different but I'm in one of those moods!

Chapter 23: Making a decision

It's quiet in the bronze tonight. I wouldn't have bothered coming except I knew Buffy was going to be here. She's over there dancing with the Whelp and demon girl. She knows I'm here – gave me one of her smiles when she spotted me, and I know she'll probably kiss me if I can get her on her own at some point. It's not as easy as I would like unfortunately. The Scooby's seem to surround her like the soddin' palace guard whenever I'm around.

She's been back for nearly a month now. She hasn't told any of her 'friends' (and I use the tern loosely) where she was yet. They're still happy in their delusion that they played the gallant hero's and pulled her out of some hell dimension. I just think they're in denial. Can't they tell how more subdued she is now than she was before? Can't they see the resentment towards them behind her eyes? I know she tries to hide it well; maybe I'm just that good at reading her…nah, I'm thinking it's denial!

The watcher came back. At least he noticed she wasn't quiet right. I don't think he's quite twigged yet either, but he had more of a clue than the Scooby's. I'd talk to him about it if I thought he would listen. But he's of the same opinion as the rest of them when it comes to my involvement with the slayer. I'm evil and soulless and they need to protect her from me.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Spike = Vampire = Dangerous. They're so narrow-minded! It doesn't seem to matter what the slayer wants as long as she's doing what they want her to do. She looks so beautiful tonight. I love it when she wears her leather pants! God I wish I could go over there and dance with her. It tears me apart to be this close and not be able to hold her in my arms. I've been doing that for her a lot recently, when the nightmares come or when the world just seems too much. She'll sneak away when the witches are asleep (Dawn's in the know of course) and come see me in the crypt. She says she prefers it there because all her memories from there are happy ones! We're definitely still 'a thing' as she calls it, but we're not telling the Scooby's this time.


No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

We don't want another repeat of last times fiasco. We're happy, Dawn's happy – that's all that matters. Buffy has enough on her mind without dealing with their petty minded arguments. The whelp came to see me the day after she came back to warn me not to start up my 'obsession' again now she was back. Wanker! No matter how many times I told him how much I loved her before she left and over the summer he wouldn't believe a word of it, said I was just playing mind games with her. I might have gotten to her before she died because she was vulnerable but I wasn't getting near her this time – they were going to make sure of it! Damn fine job they've been doing during the day. They've even tried to do patrols with her but she always ditches them in the end and then it's just the two of us.


But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be


Of course I really don't care what the Scooby's think…but sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if we could be together openly, if Buffy didn't have to worry about loosing people she cares about because of her feelings. When we're together though, it's as if the rest of the world melts away and all there is, is us. Nothing else matters. Even if we're just lying together in silence we're happy.


I have hours; only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free


God the hours I've spent plotting the horrible hideous deaths of those Scooby's. It gives me something to do when I can't get to Buffy. She says they can't know yet, that they're not strong enough to handle that news yet. I say bollocks! If they were strong enough to do the magic they're strong enough to deal with the consequences of their actions. Oh she's coming over to the bar now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

It's hard work to keep this smile plastered on my face, to make them think that everything is ok, that I don't sometimes wish I could just shake them and say 'do you know what you've done to me?' Spike thinks I should tell them. He thinks it'll help me heal. Maybe he's right. But I can't handle all the tears and guilt trips that will come with it. It's bad enough that they watch me all the time to try and keep Spike away from me, what will they be like if they think they have to worry about me slitting my wrists all the time. Oh I thought about it for a few hours, until I saw Spike again.



No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

It takes all of my restraint not to slap Xander when he makes those snide comments to Spike or about him. I tell him to shut up and remind him of all the good things Spike has done…but the second the words leave my mouth they get uber protective all over again! Now they know his chip has gone they're even more wary of him than they were before. When I didn't leap into his arms the second I was out of the coffin they assumed I was over him and they want to keep it that way. I know they've been threatening Spike too. I've heard Willow and Xander talking about a spell they can use against him since Xander and Giles can't take advantage of the chip anymore.


But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I think I should feel bad about lying to these people who have been my friends for years but I don't. They think they did this wonderful thing by bringing me back, and now they're trying to keep me away from the one thing that makes being alive worth while. I think that's the only thing I missed while I was in heaven. Spike. And the closest I come to heaven now I'm here is when I'm with Spike. When I'm in that state where I'm not completely asleep but I'm not quite awake either and I'm in his arms, I feel warm, safe, and loved. Sounds a lot like heaven to me! So why should I feel bad about not telling them some stuff when I know they'd try and take it away from me?


I have hours; only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

I'm gonna go over to the bar and talk to him. None of the others have spotted him yet. I've been away from him for too long. He smiles at me when I get there. One of those special Spike smiles reserved just for me. He takes my hand and lifts it to his lips, those oh so soft lips. Suddenly it seems a travesty that I haven't taken him to bed yet. Yes we've slept together since I got back but we haven't slept together. If he can bring me heaven by holding me imagine what he can do when other body parts besides arms are involved! Screw the Scooby's and their 'lets be happy at the bronze' party, I'm going to do what I want to do tonight and I don't care who knows! I give him that smile that tells him exactly what is going to happen. His eyes get a fraction wider until the surprise wears off and is replaced by his sexy smirk. I don't resist when he grabs my hand and starts pulling me out of the bronze and towards his crypt, I don't notice if anyone knows I've just left without saying a word…and right now I don't really care.


 
A/N: Meh…I'm very tired right now…will write nice smutty spuffyness when I've slept…don't forget to review! Love you all!