Me: *wipes sweat off forehead* Phew, got rid of that evil ulna. Okay, Fiona's dead so she can't maim me for killing Mokuba, beheading Joey and Tristan, making Yami and Yami Bakura go fan-pleasing, and for dragging Legolas into all this. *blinks, screams* WAIT, FIONA'S DEAD?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!
Fiona's ghost: I don't know, but you better hurry up and get me back. 'Cause in case you hadn't noticed, the ghosts of mental patients generally aren't that friendly.
Me: *blinks, faints*
House on Haunted Hill
By FekketC
Chapter 6
When the Going Gets Tough, the Harder I Fall (Medabots quote)
Yami Bakura: Let's make this a battle to go down in fanfiction history!
Yami: DARK MAGICIAN, DARK MAGIC ATTACK!
Dark Magician: *raises hand, air vibrates with the force of the magic*
Darkness: *absorbs the dark energy* Mmmm, just like Mom made it! More, more!
Dark Magician and Yami: *sweatdrop*
(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when the Dark Magician sweatdrops.)
Yami Bakura: Well DUH it would like dark energy, you twit!
(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when Yami Bakura says "duh".)
Yami Bakura: Out of the way, half-pint, I'll take care of this.
Yami: Half pint?!
(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when Yami actually cares when Yami Bakura insults him.)
Yami and Yami Bakura: CUT THAT OUT!
(Author's Note: Jeesh.)
Yami Bakura: MONSTER REBORN!
Yami: But no monsters have been sent to the graveyard yet.
Yami Bakura: One has!
Fiona: *appears* *blinks* What the *goes into long bleep*...
Yami: Why'd you bring her back?
Yami Bakura: Because she has the power to end this duel!
Fiona: *blinks* Oh, you mean the thing with the cookies?
Yami Bakura: Do your thing!
Fiona: Right! *disappears*
Yami: Okay, now I'm really confused.
Yami Bakura: Not to worry, puny liliputian pharoah man.
Yami: *anime evil face* Grr, STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! I RULED YOUR ASS IN ANCIENT EGYPT AND I STILL RULE IT!!!
Yami Bakura: *sigh* Moron. All will be revealed soon enough. And I'm guessing 'soon enough' means just as soon as the authoress feels like it.
Yami: Now what? That darkness looks hungry!
Yami Bakura: Maybe if you keep feeding it dark energy using the Dark Magician, it will grow full and explode!
Yami: Sounds like a plan!
Yami Bakura: And while you're carrying out your plan, I'll carry out mine.
Yami: And what's that?
Yami Bakura: To get the *bleep* out of here! *turns and runs after Seto and the others*
Yami: *blink* I think I like his plan more. *runs after him, the darkness chasing behind*
~the two run through the halls and after a moment find the staircase that leads to the second floor. As they dash up the stairs they catch up with Joey's and Tristan's heads and Seto and Tea *_* Why they were lollygagging around, I have no idea.~
Darkness: *as it reaches the bottom of the stairs* Seto!
Seto: *freezes, looks back* M-Mokuba?
Darkness: *suddenly something starts to pull from it, and Mokuba's blackened face and hand can be seen* Seto, you have to stay so we can have my party!
Seto: Oh, okay. *starts to turn and go back down the stairs*
Dead Mokuba: *blink* Seto, it was meant to be dramatic. You're supposed to be disgusted and terrified.
Seto: Ah, sorry. Oh, my God! *starts running up the staircase*
Joey: *hopping up each step one at a time* Mokuba's the only one that's died, right?
Tristan's head: *hopping in the same manner* Him and the annoying landlady girl.
Fiona: *appears out of thin air, grabs both the heads like footballs and bolts up the stairs* I think you guys'll be grateful to this annoying landlady girl! *reaches top of the staircase, where Tristan's and Joey's bodies are waiting, plunks the heads down on the necks* There!
Tristan: Cool, you got our bodies back! *blinks* Uh, I can't move.
Fiona: *slaps forehead* Damnit, forgot to do the neurosurgery to reattach your brains to your bodies. *takes out scalpel*
Joey: NEVER MIND THAT, RUN!!!
Fiona: *looks back at the approaching darkness* HOLY *bleep*!!! *grabs the heads and runs, leaving the bodies standing there looking stupid until they are swallowed by the darkness*
Yami Bakura: I sent you to get the you-know-what, not those idiots' bodies!
Fiona: So sue me, hair-boy! I ain't touching that gross stuff!
Tea: What are you two talking about?
Fiona: Those cookies I ate earlier? Turns out they gave me the power to jump around in time and space. Didn't you wonder how I always managed to be in the middle of the action in this damned fic?
Seto: Wait a minute, those cookies weren't made by Old Man Kaiba, were they?
Fiona: Some kind of vintage. *sticks tongue out and makes a face* I don't even WANT to know what kind of body parts gave me THIS power.
Yami Bakura: *whispers in her ear as they run*
Fiona: *shreiks* I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!!!
Darkness: *bursts out of the floor just behind her*
Fiona: *shreiks again* HOLY *BLEEP*ING *BLEEEEEP*!!!!!!
Yami: MAGIC DOORMAT! *throws card onto the hole in the floor, which turns into a doormat that holds the darkness back*
Seto: I didn't know there was such a card as Magic Doormat.
Yami: Neither did I. I found it on the floor, along with Winged Walrus and Annoying Pudding Boy.
Everyone else: *nervous sweatdrop*
Tea: Why are we standing in the same place instead of taking this golden opportunity to put distance between ourselves and the Darkness?
Tristan's head: AUGH, SHE'S BEING SMART AGAIN!!! SOMEONE STOP HER, I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!
Fiona: Who else feels like a game of Mousetrap?
Seto: What are you babbling about? In fact, WHAT IS EVERYONE BABBLING ABOUT?!
Fiona: It's this game my brother likes, where mice run around on a board and try not to get trapped, and they try and outwit the cat in order to get back to their hole!
Walrus boy: *sticks his head out of Yami's pocket where he put the cards* There's no cat, dimwit.
Fiona: *glares at him* I hate you.
Yami: *pushes walrus boy's head back down into his pocket* But where's the mousehole?
Fiona: *points at the ceiling* The attic! I time-morphed to the future and asked my future self where the third Willy Wonka lever was! She was a little freaked out, but she-
Other Fiona: *appears* *grabs Fiona by the shoulders* Where's the third Willy Wonka lever?! Do you know?!
First Fiona: HOLY *bleep*, YOU'RE ME!!! ONLY TEN MINUTES YOUNGER!!! Wow, I looked great back then. *sigh* Those were the days.
Other Fiona: Whatever! Now where's the third Willy Wonka lever?!
First Fiona: It's in the attic.
Second Fiona: Phew, thanks! *disappears*
Everyone else except Yami Bakura: *staring at Fiona*
Yami Bakura: Let's get running!
Magic Doormat: *dissintegrates, the Darkness creeps up through the hole*
~as everyone runs, Mousetrap Mousetrap starts playing, then grinds to a halt as Scary Spice walks up to the record player and replaces the record, then walks away~
Player: YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT, SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT-
Fiona: *running with Yami Bakura* *stops* I love this song!
Yami Bakura: Keep moving, you idiot!!!
Player: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT, SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT-
Yami: *running with Tea* You think this is Fiona's fault?
Tea: What?
Yami: I said, do you think this is Fiona's fault?
Tea: What? I can't hear you over the music!
Yami: I said- *runs headlong into wall* Oh, never mind. *collapses*
Player: I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGAZIG HA...
Seto: *running and carrying Joey's and Tristan's heads* I hate this song. What the hell does that last line MEAN, anyway?
Joey: I dunno, but it's pretty cool. And that Sexy Spice sure is-
Tristan: AUGH, RIGHT BEHIND US!!!
Joey: Sexy Spice?! *looks back* *long bleep*
Seto: Our Father in heaven, who is a CREEP FOR PUTTING US HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
Tristan: This is not the best time to become an atheist, Seto.
Seto: *muttering darkly*
Player: If you want my future, forget my past... if you wanna get with me, better make it fast...
Fiona and Yami Bakura: *running down a hall when suddenly spikes burst out of the walls*
Fiona: *long bleep*
Yami Bakura: Booby traps!
Fiona: *blink* You said booby.
Yami Bakura: *looks like he's going to kill Fiona* Keep running! The walls are closing in, and if we don't hurry we'll- *pricks finger on a spike, turns back into normal Bakura* Yowch! *blink* Okay, that was deux e machina.
Fiona: *hugs Bakura* Yay, nicey nicey Bakura is back!
Bakura: *looks around at spikes* Erm, where are we?
Fiona: SOMEWHERE WE SHOULDN'T BE!!! RUN!!! *as they run away* Say booby again.
Bakura: *stares at her*
Player: Now don't go wasting my precious time... Get your act together, we could be just fine...
~all the teams come together in one spot at the stairs leading to the attic~
Tea: *Yami slung over her shoulders* Are you guys okay?
Bakura: Great Scot, what happened to Yami?
Tea: Hmm? Oh, him, he ran into a wall. Uh, very heroically and self-sacrificially. I think. The memory's sort of fuzzy.
Fiona: Hey, guys, guess who me and Bakura got to help us!
Spike from Cowboy Bebop: *walks up* Hi.
Seto: Oh, and guys, I've become Jewish.
Everyone: *stare at Tea, stare at Seto, stare at Spike, stare at Tea, stare at Seto, stare at Spike*
Fiona: I went forward in time to 2071 and picked him up. He was just about to die, too, full of bullet holes, but Bakura used some potions and healed him.
Bakura: This isn't a role-playing game.
Fiona: Oh. Then, how'd you heal him?
Bakura: *blink, wistful expression* You know, I'm not sure.
Tea: And now Seto's Jewish?
Joey: You should've seen him, he went from Christian to atheist to Muslim to Christian again to voodoo to Oprahism to Judaism. It was freaky to watch.
Fiona: Was it as freaky as... THAT?! *points dramatically*
~everyone turns to see Legolas standing there looking around~
Legolas: The Darkness said it didn't like elves.
Fiona: Hmph. Terrible taste. When they're not trying to KILL me, I personally love elves. *eyes widen* NOT TO EAT!!! Jees, I've had enough of eating body parts, human or otherwise.
Spike: It's fine, Elfy, come over here and join the Unusually Tall Guys Team.
Legolas: Call me Elfy and die.
(Legolas fangirls: *nod eagerly*
Spike fangirls: *annoyed glares at the Legolas fangirls*)
Tristan: Hey, how many teams are there, anyway?
Fiona: *counts* We have nine people-
Joey: But Yugi and Bakura count as two people each, since they have Yami and Evil Bakura!
Fiona: Then we have eleven. And you two count as one person since you're pretty useless at the moment.
Tristan and Joey: Oh...
Fiona: So then I get to be on the green team! You guys can be the red- Wait a second.
~long pause~
Fiona: *blink* WHAT THE *bleep* AM I TALKING ABOUT?! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!
Tea: Yeah! *as she runs up the stairs she bangs Yami's head against the top of the doorpost*
Yami: *eyes open slightly* Huh? *wakes up all the way* What the *bleep*?!
Tea: *puts Yami down* There, you're all better!
Yami: *rubbing head* Do you think this is Fiona's fault?
Everyone but Fiona: YES!!!
Fiona: ME?!?!? *points at Seto* IT'S HIS FAULT!!! HE ARRANGED THIS WHOLE THING!!!
Seto: No, it's Yami's fault! All kinds of weird stuff happens around him, I mean, he's a freaking pharoah for crying out loud!
Yami: It's Yami Bakura's fault! He probably made a human sacrifice to the Darkness and made it angry!
Yami Bakura: Don't look at me, you midgeted excuse for a mummy!
Bakura: Get back in there this instant!
Yami Bakura: You don't tell me what to do, mortal!
Bakura: I do when we're supposed to be running away! *runs up the attic stairs, still arguing with his other half*
Everyone else: *shrugs, follows him up*
~um, just picture a normal attic with crap lying around, and a bunch of pulleys and levers and stuff~
Fiona: Everyone, pull those levers! Push those buttons! Crank those handles! Jimmy those... Jimmies!
Yami: Most of these levers are jammed!
Bakura: *pushing buttons in a flurry* I still say you're evil and you can find somebody else to be your vessel!
Yami Bakura: No chance, halfwit!
Bakura: You're a halfwit, not me!
Legolas: You know, I know someone named Gollum who also has a split-personality problem-
Yami Bakura and Bakura: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!!
Spike: *shooting random machines* When you shoot things, they work!
Fiona: *beating random machines with a baseball bat* When you hit things, they work!
Seto: *pulls random lever, all the Willy Wonka slices begin to slide up and away* When you pull the lever marked "Get me the *bleep* out of here", things work.
Fiona: Ooh, does it really say that-
Everyone: *rushes for the door*
Legolas: Stop!
Everyone: *opens the door*
Darkness: *on the other side of the door* Yummy!
Everyone: *blinks* *closes the door*
Legolas: Told you.
Fiona: THE WINDOW!!! GET TO THE ROOF!!!
~everyone rushes for the window just as the darkness bursts down the door~
Spike: *suddenly looks up* Hey, Fiona's up there!
Fiona: *looks up* Hey, that's Future Me!
Future Fiona: *holds up giant tank of leek soup, tips it and pours the soup all over everyone*
Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHH-
Leek soup: *SPLOOSH!!! all over everyone*
Future Fiona: Hey, don't worry! *disappears*
Everyone but Fiona: *dripping, glare at Fiona*
Fiona: *dripping wet, pulls a leek out of her hair* What? How am I supposed to know why I do things in the future? I don't even know why I do things now! *hitting herself* See? Completely random!
Darkness: *leaps forward and swallows Spike, Legolas and Bakura*
Fiona: BAKURA!!!!! *pout* Why'd it have to get all my friends in one go?
Seto: LOOK OUT! *shoves her out of the way just as the Darkness pounces*
Darkness: Oh well. *swallows Seto and Joey's and Tristan's heads*
Fiona: GET OUT THE WINDOW!!! HURRY, I'LL HOLD IT BACK! *turns* Okay, mister, you ain't swallowing me! *starts covering herself in magic sutras* No darkness will touch me while I'm wearing these!
Darkness: *makes very strong wind which blows away the sutras*
Fiona: Crap. Again.
Darkness: *swallows her*
Yami: Hurry and get out the window, Tea!
Tea: *already out the window, standing on the ledge outside* Hurry!
Yami: *running for the window*
Darkness: *reaches up, Spike's blackened hand holding a gun appears out of it and shoots a rope near the ceiling*
Willy Wonka device: *crashes back down, closing Yami in and Tea out*
Yami: Oh no! *turns back to the darkness*
Darkness: *face of Old Man Kaiba appears* Well, Yugi, it looks like- *blinks* You're not Yugi.
Yami: No, you moron, I'm Yugi's great great great great great great great great great-
Old Man Kaiba: How long will this take?
Yami: Um, how many greats are there in five thousand years?
Old Man Kaiba: A helluva lot.
Yami: Well, I am his helluva-lot-of-greats-grandfather. So, since this is below me on the family tree, I really don't deserve any kind of punishment.
Old Man Kaiba: Hmm, no, I suppose you don't. Erm, could I speak to Yugi?
Yami: Sure. *turns back into Yugi, who presses against the wall*
Old Man Kaiba: Now, as I was saying, Yugi, it's your turn to join the others.
Yugi: But, but, I have nothing to do with this, either! I'm, um, adopted!
Yami: You... are?
Yugi: Yeah!
Yami: *slow blink* So, you're not my great great great great- whatever... grandson?!
Yugi: Nope.
Yami: But those times I took you fishing and gave you the Birds and the Bees speech and told you about the good ol' days, and the whole time you weren't even my grandson?!?! *starting to cry*
Yugi: *really nervous* Well, yeah, yeah, I am! Quit crying, yeah, I'm not adopted, but the Darkness doesn't have to know that!
Old Man Kaiba: I'm standing right here.
Yugi and Yami: Eep.
Old Man Kaiba: *holds up Wacky Mallet* Prepare to die.
Yugi and Yami: *clutching each other a la Abbott and Costello* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Voice from the Darkness: STAND BACK, I'M GONNA SPEW!!!
Old Man Kaiba: Ick, not in here! *grabs rope and pulls, the window behind Yami/Yugi opens and he/they roll out onto the ledge*
Voice (which sounds like the walrus boy): I HATE LEEK SOUP!!! *spewing sounds, Spike, Legolas, Fiona, Seto, Joey's and Tristan's heads, Joey's and Tristan's bodies, Fiona and Bakura all come sailing out the window and grab onto the edge of the ledge just as the window slams shut once again*
Fiona: *hanging onto Legolas' legs, climbs up over him onto the ledge* WE'RE ALIVE!!!
Bakura: *as everyone climbs up after her* Great Ceaser's Ghost, but that was a close one!
Fiona: *folds her arms over her chest proudly* Thank you very much. Leek soup was the answer!
Yami Bakura: Told you.
~everyone climbs up and sits in a looooong row on the ledge~
Seto: Everyone got out safe.
Tea: What about Mokuba?
Seto: *looks like he's gonna cry*
Window: *opens, body parts get thrown out, topped by Mokuba's head* *slams shut*
Tristan: Hey, another member of the Decapitated Club!
Mokuba: Hey, guys!
Fiona: *sighs, starts peicing together legs and arms while Seto hugs Mokuba's head*
Seto: Now everyone got out safe.
Fiona: Well, I have work to do. I'm gonna go get the leek soup and do my thing. *disappears*
Yugi: *looks over the ledge* Um, guys, we're twelve stories up. How are we gonna get down?
Yami Bakura: *looks to either side at the close packed people, looks at camera, holds up scythe* No witnesses.
Fiona: *reappears* Done! *sees scythe* Give me thaaaaat! *grabs scythe* Hey, you know, there's something I've always wanted to do but never had a scythe and an elf-girl handy. FEKKET, GET OVER HERE!!!
~mantra sounds, suddenly Fekket dressed in a genie costume appears, sitting on a floating cloud in a meditation position~
Fekket: You called, oh Guru of Violence and aaaaaah, where'd you get thaaaat?!
Fiona: *stands up, swings the scythe at Fekket, who scooches back so that she's out of range* Get us down from here!
Fekket: Um, um, quick!!!
THE END
Fekket: There, past the end I have no more authoress powers. *genie costume and floating cloud disappear* Uh oh. *plummets towards the ground*
Fiona: I hate elves.
Legolas: But I'm an elf!
Fiona: *glares at him, pushes him over the edge* WHO'S NEXT?!?!?
Walrus boy: I am!
Everyone: *looks at him, screams and jumps off*
REALLY THE END
Fekket: Are you SURE?!?!
YEP
Fekket: Damnit!!! Okay, well, that was certainly
a strange one. Eh, heh heh, okay, I'm an idiot. Anyway, this one is Fanfic Numbuh
2 in my ongoing series of horror movie anime parodies (for you boobs who don't
know me, Fanfic Numbuh 1 was 'Space Predator' featuring the gang from Yu Yu
Hakusho. Go to my profile to go read it). Anyway, what's my next project?
Calypso: Hi.
Fekket: Ah, you're just in time!
Calypso: I... am?
Fekket: How's Fi doing?
Calypso: In stable condition. They're letting her out in a week.
Fekket: *takes out map of the world* What is the farthest place from here?
Calypso: *points randomly* There.
Fekket: And what does it say?
Calypso: *blushes* You tell me, Ms. Oh-I'm-So-Literate-And-Smarter-Than-Thou!
Fekket: *wonders for a second what 'thou' means, shakes head* You pointed to
Rome, Italy.
Calypso: So I did. Just testing you.
Fekket: Then that's where I'll be in a week. *shakes head* Well, folks, I'm
going to take a rest for a while and then upload my incredibly short and ASS...
-Y...
Calypso: Assinine?
Fekket: Uh, yeah... Yu Gi Oh! fic 'Running From Me'. It's only three short chapters
and is probably a waste of everyone's time, but I liked a few of the parts so
I'm uploading anyway.
Calypso: Wait, isn't this the one that you got the inspiration while shoveling
manure for your dad's garden?
Fekket: Yep!
Calypso: Weee, let's tell the town. So, who's in it?
Fekket: Um, Joey. And he dies.
Calypso: Yay. I'm so excited. Wheee.
Fekket: *evil grin* And Sesshomaru's in it.
Calypso: *big blink* YOU BETTER NOT KILL HIM BAKANA NINGEN MUSUME!!!
Fekket: Two things. One, I am not a stupid human girl, I am an insane elf-girl...
Calypso: Forgive me. KYUTEKINA SENNYU MUSUME!!!
Fekket: Arigatou. And second I lied and Sesshomaru isn't in it.
Calypso: You're dead.
Fekket: *sigh* Well, here are my priorities as far as posting goes:
1) Start posting 'Running From Me'
2) Finish posting 'Space Predator'
3) Finish posting 'Eyesight to the Blind'
Fekket: Long term stuff to post includes a serious Yu Yu Hakusho fic about Hiei
and Kurama going back in time to Hiroshima, and beyond that one of my favorite
fics, the Cowboy Bebop Age of Empires Tournament. And I've got some other stuff
to write, too, including my stupid Egypt thing for school, but I don't want
to bend your ear over that-
Calypso: Please don't-
Fekket: Where this woman named Raza is married to this insane pharaoh but falls
in love with a theif who is nothing like YB because he's actually pretty nice
and his problems started when his family died in this war, and now I'm up to
the part where the pharaoh is trying to kill everyone-
Calypso: *feels ears* My ears are thuroughly bent.
Fekket: No respect, no respect at all. Well, I'll take a break and then start
updating again. For now, keep those eyeballs open-
Calypso: And never go anywhere alone!
Fekket, Calypso and Walrus Boy: Buh-Bye now!
