A/N: This chapter is narrated in 1st person by Caroline.
Thank you.
*
Caroline's POV
I can't think straight at all. I just can't…! Not only because of the stupid baby feelings, but also everything else! Sirius left. James tried to die. That's what I've heard. No one will answer my calls or owls. They won't see me or talk to me. And I'm stuck with this freakin' kid in my swollen uterus. Life sucks.
Its really gross being pregnant. For the first few months when you don't really show you just look fat, and can't wear decent clothes or high heels. And you eat all the time. Eat, cry, and then throw up. That's been my everyday itinerary for about 2 months now. This whole baby thing is making me a neurotic psychotic. I can't even bear to go out of the flat for kicks; only for food.
And I think I might even enjoy the whole barfing and pregnant gig if someone were here to help me. Sure, I've got friends, but I don't live with them. And I really need help now…I'm 15 weeks along. And after what I did, I don't expect James to ever forgive me, let alone help me, but at least he could talk to me. O, well.
And Sirius. Christ, Sirius is probably going to be the worst father. He drinks; he lies, and doesn't do much else except look really hot. But that's not the point. I need help. I don't know if I can do this alone. This is serious. Another human life. I know men and woman raise kids on their own all the time. But I'm not that strong. At this moment; I hate to say it, but I'm weak. And no one will help me. My parents, being the religious weirdoes they are, won't talk to me because I am having this kid and I'm not married to anyone.
This is my pathetic excuse for existence. Talking to no one. Yet.
So the baby is doing fine, they tell me. The doctors say it's a beautiful little baby with a healthy heart and brain. At least, when my kid is born it'll be healthy…
My work partner at the model agency drops by now and then…since I am on maternity leave I still get paid for the next three months. I have a lot saved up, but I don't know how to get money once I've used all that up. I might have to go back to work. That's my solution. Tomorrow, I go back to work as a maternal model. I don't care how humiliating it is. I need the money.
And I need some more doughnuts, too. I hate yogurt.
~*~ next day…(this would be about one week from Lily and Sven's wedding day)
So I am now a model for "Pregnant Witches."
Wow. At least the salary is nice, if not better than before…
At least, when this baby comes I'll have a good and clean home, and some money for it. I think it'll be okay. I mean; there are some really nice mothers in this flat arena. They said they'd be willing to help me anytime. And plus, they know what its like. Some of them have 3 kids and the warlock of the family ran off. Those scumbags. EERR! But the mothers seem genuinely happy. And I hope I can be like them. Happy, I mean.
I hope they know what the men put their girls through.
So, here I sit. By the window after a long day of fitting for the fashion run next week. I can hardly scarf down the doughnuts fast enough. I should eat more yogurt…o, screw it. You eat well and exercise well and still die. Might as well enjoy the "bad" foods and be happy. But, I'm not. I am not happy or peaceful. I can't be. My James is out there alone right now. And I hate every moment of not being with him. I can't even read the Prophet without seeing his face on it with NEAR DEATH ACCIDENT under it.
They don't know it was a suicide attempt.
And without James, I think I want to give what he did a try.
Maybe someone would help me then.
Help.
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Yes, its SUPPOSED TO BE SHORT!! NO GRIPING! ITS 10:30 PM AND I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW! SO PLEASE. TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE THIS NOT HOW YOU HATE THE LENGTH…!!!
Okey Dokie! Thanks to:
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From another very late night at my computer,
Blondemomo
