Chapter One: The Deflowering of Friendship
"The clock goes tick..."
*********************************************************
The clock struck five as I lain sprawled about upon the green settee. Time seemed to waste away as I laid on top of his lustful form. I hated it. He always did this, kept me here with him behind closed doors. Kissed me, used me...my friend...
I used to protest greatly, but nowadays I let it happen. And now I was lying across him as he played with my hair. What was wrong with me? I was the captain of the kendo team! The vice president of the ... but he was the president. Strings of red loomed down from his brow and a few slid into my face.
"Aren't you going to bite it?"
"What?"
"My hair, you always chew on hair," he grinned.
I shrugged and turned my face. I never understood him. He had everyone. Every girl he could ever dream of. But why did he want to lie here with me? His hand slid across my cheek and parted the seams of my blazer, button by button.
"No, Touga. Stop it!" I jerked away.
All he could do was grin and slide his hand up to my chin, pulling me upwards for a kiss. I let him do what he wished, but the kiss burned inside me and I turned away again, flopping back onto his chest.
"Why do you do this Touga?"
"Why do you think?" he replied keenly.
"I wouldn't have asked if I already knew! Forget it."
His hands continued to slide long my body: my back, my hair, my face...it all seemed to be his at the moment. I felt more like a bride then a duelist. Every girl, any girl...but why? I could remember the first time he became so affectionate with me. It was about the time when young boys become young men, when the urge is strong. He became quite popular, before I ever did and got the girls right away. But the there was something more I suppose...some lust that could not be fulfilled with all of those meaningless girls. Something in me...
"Touga...how do you feel?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You always do this and, well, I just wondered how you felt..." everything paused, "what is it?"
"Nothing. I'm not thinking anything."
"What is it? You know I don't like not knowing things! Tell me."
"It's nothing. What were you saying?"
"How do you feel?"
"About what?"
"About me?"
"You," he grinned, "how do you think I feel about you?"
"I don't know!"
"We're friends my dear Saionji."
"Friends don't lay like this together."
"Sometimes friends can be lovers...," he whispered into my ear.
"Stop it," I pulled back, " just answer me."
"I like you Saionji," he grinned even deeper, "it's true though..."
His arms slid around me and pulled him towards him closely. His lips dove towards my own and locked them in a deep kiss. Something inside of me forced my arms around him as well, but I promptly pushed him off and gasped for air.
"No Touga! I hate you!"
"Why?"
"I can't tell you...I don't trust you."
I knew inside what the problem was. I knew deep inside that I was in love with my best friend. I also knew that: 1) it would destroy what little friendship we had, 2) he didn't feel the same, and 3) I could never trust Touga with my deepest emotions. He continued to seduce me with his wandering hands.
"Touga, don't do this!"
I knew I wanted it, but not this way. Not as his toy. Not as his puppet. But as his love. But these things did not exist. There is no such thing as friendship, nor is there true love. His hand caressed the skin of my face and ran through the green locks upon my scalp. He loved hair, that's all he ever did was run his fingers through peoples' hair, and I was no exception. I wasn't anything special to him...just a toy. But somewhere, though I do regret the feeling, I loved him. Every flaw in his body...some how I loved it. But I could never tell him...never.
"How do you feel," I found myself whisper to him.
"I care for you."
It hurt; the pang of an unrequited passion beat in my heart. I pushed off of him and laid on the other end of the settee upon my stomach. I felt him coming towards me as he knelt down upon my back. His nostrils crept along my neck as his hands undid the buckle of my belt and pulled my pants down just below my hips. I froze and screamed out into the empty estate, the Kiryuu residence. His arms embraced my waste and I felt his self behind me.
"NO! TOUGA! STOP! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! TOUGA NO! TOUGAAAA!" I screamed unanswered as he plunged forward. The pain was both embarrassing and immense. I tried to pull away and in my struggling I managed to fall from the settee and onto the floor. I laid there, my head upon my own shoes near the front hallway.
"Saionji...are you okay?" he whispered sweetly.
I was speechless. How could I hope to get a word out after that? Though it had only lasted a few brief moments, the trauma still loomed in my brain. I pulled my underwear and pants back up. Finally, I was able to speak again.
"I hate you! How could you do that? Why do you do this stuff to me? Why Touga?" I cried.
"I care for you...and it is true though...friends can be lovers," he grinned his sick grin.
I turned my face back to the floor and cried. Though it really is nothing like me to do so, I didn't really know who I was anymore. Touga slid over my weary figure and kissed my face and neck. His tongue soon emerged and licked up to my ear, where he nibbled a bit. I hated myself for liking it, for wanting it...
"Stop it! I hate you!" I yelled!
He continued and soon whispered into my ear, "Let me." His voice became intoxicating, though I was unclear about what he meant until I felt a small tug at my belt. But before I could get away, one arm had already gripped around my waste. I pulled and struggled to get away, but my friend had beaten me, and taken me once more. Once the pace seemed to come to a stand still, I pulled myself forward. However, he yanked me back into another round of torture...of rape.
Afterwards, he got up and fixed his clothes before sitting back upon the settee with no acknowledgement of what had just occurred. I sat up and stared at the white carpet. My shadow staining its ivory color. But his shadow lurched far past mine from atop the green settee. He ran his fingers through his hair as he left me sitting upon the floor in a bed of tears.
"I hate you."
"Then why don't you leave?"
"Because...that is why I hate myself far more, for staying here with you all of these days. And in all of this I mean nothing to you."
"Of course you do. You are my dearest frien..."
"Shut up Touga! Tell me. What ever happened to my Exchange Dairy? The one I gave you to hold safe upon my return."
"I told you, it was stolen."
"By who Touga?"
"I don't know who stole it," he laid back comfortably.
"You're lying to me. I can tell. Just tell me the truth."
"I'm not lying to you."
"Yes you are! Tell me what happened to the diary!"
"I told you it was..."
"You threw it away didn't you?"
"No, Saionji, I wouldn't do that. Listen, it was stolen from me and burned."
"What? But how would you know that?!"
"Someone told me."
"That doesn't make any sense Touga! Your stories got too many wholes! I can't trust you at all!"
"Come now, my friend," just then the phone rang and he sprang up to answer the call. I stood and walked to a tall window that reached the floor. The drapes were green, the same as that dreaded settee and the curtains were a white flushed scrim. I felt a presence behind me as Touga pulled me from the curtain, out of sight from any passersby.
"Won't you sit with me? Friends do sit together, don't they?"
"Fine," I reluctantly followed.
He walked me into another room, this one much more lavish in décor then the former. But what did I care? None of it appealed to me. Nothing was of the slightest interest to me. The sofa was large with curled armrests, hand carved legs and layers of pillows with matching tassels. He sat down as I stood there next to the couch. His jacket was opened and his hair a mess from the crown of his brow. A grin reached his pinkish lips as he stared deeply with those blue eyes.
"How do you feel about Nanami?" I asked though I am not sure why.
"How do you think I-"
"I don't know how you feel! That's why I asked you dammit! Now tell me!"
"Just as any brother would feel towards his little sister."
"Just as any brother, or you?" I replied sharply.
"Well, there you go. You must know how I feel if you challenge me that way."
"Shut up Touga!" I snarled, "what about...what about Utena?"
"Ah, Utena, she is a fine woman, isn't she?"
"Just answer me."
He leaned back on the couch and let out a small moan at the thought of Utena.
"Well...answer!"
"What do you mean 'answer'? What do you think?"
"Do you...do you love her?"
"What do you think?" he grinned, sighing and moaning once more.
I turned away from him, clutching my fists tightly together. I knew it; however, there was a sense of surprise eating away at my soul. Both Anthy and he had fallen into the grasp of the "girl-prince". What was I to do? I felt a hand upon my own as he pulled me to sit onto the couch.
"What's wrong Saionji? You can tell me."
"No I can't! You'd use it against me!"
"I'd never do that. I'm your friend."
"True friendship doesn't exist. And I don't trust you."
"Come now, Saionji. Tell me what's the matter?"
Even now I do not know what made me slip, but the feeling of his hand caressing my face pulled me apart, unhinged me at the seems.
"Touga, don't do this," I whispered as he smoothed his fingers along my cheek and as his words whispered out between his lips and into my ears.
"You can trust me. Just tell me what's wrong."
"I...I...I love you Touga," I cried out.
Never had I felt so vulnerable, foolish, and relieved at the same instant. I turned away and buried my face in my hands. All I could hear were taunting chuckles surfacing from my friend's lips.
"What? Why are you laughing?"
"That's it? That's you big secret? Heh, well, how are we supposed to be friends if you're in love with me?"
"But, but Touga..."
"Oh, my poor Saionji..." he teased.
"I hate you."
"No, I thought you said you loved me?" again he began to laugh.
Though I did not cry, I felt it deep inside, but I sat up stoically trying my best not to crack. Just then, he leant over to me and kissed my lips aggressively. His fingers moving through my hair and tongue snaking into my mouth. I pushed him back, gasping for air and pleaded.
"But, Touga! Don't do this! You don't love me!"
"But I do, my Saionji. I'm your prince," he said just before diving in for another kiss and sliding his hand down my chest.
I pushed him back a second time, "Then tell me! Tell me what happened to my exchange diary!"
He froze and sat back, speechless.
"I told you."
"NO! Tell me the truth!"
"I got rid of it. I burned it."
"But...but why?"
"Because...
*****************************************************
"...and the clock goes tock."
"The clock goes tick..."
*********************************************************
The clock struck five as I lain sprawled about upon the green settee. Time seemed to waste away as I laid on top of his lustful form. I hated it. He always did this, kept me here with him behind closed doors. Kissed me, used me...my friend...
I used to protest greatly, but nowadays I let it happen. And now I was lying across him as he played with my hair. What was wrong with me? I was the captain of the kendo team! The vice president of the ... but he was the president. Strings of red loomed down from his brow and a few slid into my face.
"Aren't you going to bite it?"
"What?"
"My hair, you always chew on hair," he grinned.
I shrugged and turned my face. I never understood him. He had everyone. Every girl he could ever dream of. But why did he want to lie here with me? His hand slid across my cheek and parted the seams of my blazer, button by button.
"No, Touga. Stop it!" I jerked away.
All he could do was grin and slide his hand up to my chin, pulling me upwards for a kiss. I let him do what he wished, but the kiss burned inside me and I turned away again, flopping back onto his chest.
"Why do you do this Touga?"
"Why do you think?" he replied keenly.
"I wouldn't have asked if I already knew! Forget it."
His hands continued to slide long my body: my back, my hair, my face...it all seemed to be his at the moment. I felt more like a bride then a duelist. Every girl, any girl...but why? I could remember the first time he became so affectionate with me. It was about the time when young boys become young men, when the urge is strong. He became quite popular, before I ever did and got the girls right away. But the there was something more I suppose...some lust that could not be fulfilled with all of those meaningless girls. Something in me...
"Touga...how do you feel?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You always do this and, well, I just wondered how you felt..." everything paused, "what is it?"
"Nothing. I'm not thinking anything."
"What is it? You know I don't like not knowing things! Tell me."
"It's nothing. What were you saying?"
"How do you feel?"
"About what?"
"About me?"
"You," he grinned, "how do you think I feel about you?"
"I don't know!"
"We're friends my dear Saionji."
"Friends don't lay like this together."
"Sometimes friends can be lovers...," he whispered into my ear.
"Stop it," I pulled back, " just answer me."
"I like you Saionji," he grinned even deeper, "it's true though..."
His arms slid around me and pulled him towards him closely. His lips dove towards my own and locked them in a deep kiss. Something inside of me forced my arms around him as well, but I promptly pushed him off and gasped for air.
"No Touga! I hate you!"
"Why?"
"I can't tell you...I don't trust you."
I knew inside what the problem was. I knew deep inside that I was in love with my best friend. I also knew that: 1) it would destroy what little friendship we had, 2) he didn't feel the same, and 3) I could never trust Touga with my deepest emotions. He continued to seduce me with his wandering hands.
"Touga, don't do this!"
I knew I wanted it, but not this way. Not as his toy. Not as his puppet. But as his love. But these things did not exist. There is no such thing as friendship, nor is there true love. His hand caressed the skin of my face and ran through the green locks upon my scalp. He loved hair, that's all he ever did was run his fingers through peoples' hair, and I was no exception. I wasn't anything special to him...just a toy. But somewhere, though I do regret the feeling, I loved him. Every flaw in his body...some how I loved it. But I could never tell him...never.
"How do you feel," I found myself whisper to him.
"I care for you."
It hurt; the pang of an unrequited passion beat in my heart. I pushed off of him and laid on the other end of the settee upon my stomach. I felt him coming towards me as he knelt down upon my back. His nostrils crept along my neck as his hands undid the buckle of my belt and pulled my pants down just below my hips. I froze and screamed out into the empty estate, the Kiryuu residence. His arms embraced my waste and I felt his self behind me.
"NO! TOUGA! STOP! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! TOUGA NO! TOUGAAAA!" I screamed unanswered as he plunged forward. The pain was both embarrassing and immense. I tried to pull away and in my struggling I managed to fall from the settee and onto the floor. I laid there, my head upon my own shoes near the front hallway.
"Saionji...are you okay?" he whispered sweetly.
I was speechless. How could I hope to get a word out after that? Though it had only lasted a few brief moments, the trauma still loomed in my brain. I pulled my underwear and pants back up. Finally, I was able to speak again.
"I hate you! How could you do that? Why do you do this stuff to me? Why Touga?" I cried.
"I care for you...and it is true though...friends can be lovers," he grinned his sick grin.
I turned my face back to the floor and cried. Though it really is nothing like me to do so, I didn't really know who I was anymore. Touga slid over my weary figure and kissed my face and neck. His tongue soon emerged and licked up to my ear, where he nibbled a bit. I hated myself for liking it, for wanting it...
"Stop it! I hate you!" I yelled!
He continued and soon whispered into my ear, "Let me." His voice became intoxicating, though I was unclear about what he meant until I felt a small tug at my belt. But before I could get away, one arm had already gripped around my waste. I pulled and struggled to get away, but my friend had beaten me, and taken me once more. Once the pace seemed to come to a stand still, I pulled myself forward. However, he yanked me back into another round of torture...of rape.
Afterwards, he got up and fixed his clothes before sitting back upon the settee with no acknowledgement of what had just occurred. I sat up and stared at the white carpet. My shadow staining its ivory color. But his shadow lurched far past mine from atop the green settee. He ran his fingers through his hair as he left me sitting upon the floor in a bed of tears.
"I hate you."
"Then why don't you leave?"
"Because...that is why I hate myself far more, for staying here with you all of these days. And in all of this I mean nothing to you."
"Of course you do. You are my dearest frien..."
"Shut up Touga! Tell me. What ever happened to my Exchange Dairy? The one I gave you to hold safe upon my return."
"I told you, it was stolen."
"By who Touga?"
"I don't know who stole it," he laid back comfortably.
"You're lying to me. I can tell. Just tell me the truth."
"I'm not lying to you."
"Yes you are! Tell me what happened to the diary!"
"I told you it was..."
"You threw it away didn't you?"
"No, Saionji, I wouldn't do that. Listen, it was stolen from me and burned."
"What? But how would you know that?!"
"Someone told me."
"That doesn't make any sense Touga! Your stories got too many wholes! I can't trust you at all!"
"Come now, my friend," just then the phone rang and he sprang up to answer the call. I stood and walked to a tall window that reached the floor. The drapes were green, the same as that dreaded settee and the curtains were a white flushed scrim. I felt a presence behind me as Touga pulled me from the curtain, out of sight from any passersby.
"Won't you sit with me? Friends do sit together, don't they?"
"Fine," I reluctantly followed.
He walked me into another room, this one much more lavish in décor then the former. But what did I care? None of it appealed to me. Nothing was of the slightest interest to me. The sofa was large with curled armrests, hand carved legs and layers of pillows with matching tassels. He sat down as I stood there next to the couch. His jacket was opened and his hair a mess from the crown of his brow. A grin reached his pinkish lips as he stared deeply with those blue eyes.
"How do you feel about Nanami?" I asked though I am not sure why.
"How do you think I-"
"I don't know how you feel! That's why I asked you dammit! Now tell me!"
"Just as any brother would feel towards his little sister."
"Just as any brother, or you?" I replied sharply.
"Well, there you go. You must know how I feel if you challenge me that way."
"Shut up Touga!" I snarled, "what about...what about Utena?"
"Ah, Utena, she is a fine woman, isn't she?"
"Just answer me."
He leaned back on the couch and let out a small moan at the thought of Utena.
"Well...answer!"
"What do you mean 'answer'? What do you think?"
"Do you...do you love her?"
"What do you think?" he grinned, sighing and moaning once more.
I turned away from him, clutching my fists tightly together. I knew it; however, there was a sense of surprise eating away at my soul. Both Anthy and he had fallen into the grasp of the "girl-prince". What was I to do? I felt a hand upon my own as he pulled me to sit onto the couch.
"What's wrong Saionji? You can tell me."
"No I can't! You'd use it against me!"
"I'd never do that. I'm your friend."
"True friendship doesn't exist. And I don't trust you."
"Come now, Saionji. Tell me what's the matter?"
Even now I do not know what made me slip, but the feeling of his hand caressing my face pulled me apart, unhinged me at the seems.
"Touga, don't do this," I whispered as he smoothed his fingers along my cheek and as his words whispered out between his lips and into my ears.
"You can trust me. Just tell me what's wrong."
"I...I...I love you Touga," I cried out.
Never had I felt so vulnerable, foolish, and relieved at the same instant. I turned away and buried my face in my hands. All I could hear were taunting chuckles surfacing from my friend's lips.
"What? Why are you laughing?"
"That's it? That's you big secret? Heh, well, how are we supposed to be friends if you're in love with me?"
"But, but Touga..."
"Oh, my poor Saionji..." he teased.
"I hate you."
"No, I thought you said you loved me?" again he began to laugh.
Though I did not cry, I felt it deep inside, but I sat up stoically trying my best not to crack. Just then, he leant over to me and kissed my lips aggressively. His fingers moving through my hair and tongue snaking into my mouth. I pushed him back, gasping for air and pleaded.
"But, Touga! Don't do this! You don't love me!"
"But I do, my Saionji. I'm your prince," he said just before diving in for another kiss and sliding his hand down my chest.
I pushed him back a second time, "Then tell me! Tell me what happened to my exchange diary!"
He froze and sat back, speechless.
"I told you."
"NO! Tell me the truth!"
"I got rid of it. I burned it."
"But...but why?"
"Because...
*****************************************************
"...and the clock goes tock."
