Chapter Two: The Color of Jealousy
"Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posies........."
**********************************************************
"Because you fool, I was jealous!"
"Jealous?"
"Yes! Of you and...and Anthy!"
"Touga? Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"You aren't lying?"
"No, my dear Saionji. I love you," his words were quick and eased, almost without thought. He lurched forward and grabbed me connecting his lips to my own, but something was wrong. I could feel something was wrong!
"Touga," I gasped, pushing him away, "are you sure? How do I know you aren't lying?"
"Trust me. I love you."
"But...but...I can't trust you," I squirmed from his grasp, "if you loved me then why...why are you doing this? Love isn't only about sex Touga!"
"It's the only way I know how to express myself. So please...let me," he whispered, again kissing along my weary neck.
I pushed away at his advances and was finally able to release myself. I dashed to the other side of the room lined with windows. It was fine and elegant, curtains dipped in gold and tassels painted in crimson. Though the previous rain had dulled the sky, each window seemed to capture its own specific beauty.
"It's funny really," I snickered, "how everything turns out. All so very ironic."
"It's not literature, and this isn't a classroom. I don't feel like studying Saionji," he smiled at his place upon the couch.
"No, no, no. You misconstrue. If a young lady were to run away from you, well of course you would chase her. But here I go, your best friend nearly in tears, and the noble Touga Kiryuu, President of the Student Council and playboy extraordinaire, won't even stand up."
He lingered his way over and stood by me as I looked out the window of his estate.
"Well, I'm here now. So now what?" he smiled.
"No, Touga...not that. I just don't know if I can trust you yet. Tell me: Why do you make love to all of those random women. Use them, leave them, and toss them to the side."
"To fulfill that simple need that every man has built inside of them. That drive is natural. Some ignore it. Some get rid of it by their own personal needs. But me, I get rid of it another way."
"But don't you ever feel remorse?"
"Do you ever feel remorse for putting your wrist through such a repetitive and stressful movement?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Let us not be secretive on such matters my dear Saionji. The two of us are young men, seniors, on the verge of the most thrilling adventure...life! I would assume that both you and I have, at the very least, once relieved ourselves...alone. Wouldn't you agree?"
"You assume that I am going to answer you on that matter?"
"Yes, my Saionji, I do," he whispered into my ear, sliding and arm around my waist, "because I remember that even though you act strong-willed, you've already let your secret go. You love me."
"You said it too!" I wined.
"Ah, but you think that I am lying."
"So after all of those women, everyday...why Touga? Why did you do what you did?" I quickly changed the subject.
"Why? What a good question. The women filled that void, gave me a release. None of them really mattered. None of them matter now. Just a different substitute for a hand or some cold water. And even though the regular lust was fulfilled, there was still something more that I couldn't grasp. Our bickering, our fights in the kendo room, our fights in the dueling arena...our everything was and is filled with a tension I have never been able to describe. But in everything we think or do together in this friendship, there is always this strong feeling of competition. When we spare, it's all hateful competition, most of the time I win and every once in a while you win."
"More than that!"
"See, competition," he chuckled as he stepped back to the lavish sofa and sat down.
"I remember when all of the dueling started," I whispered as I held up my ring, "I remember you winning the Bride right away and duel after duel, I tried to win her. But just as in kendo class...you won. You always won. Until that fateful day when I won the Rose Bride from you! You were gone from the campus for the next few days and I am the only one who knows why. Too proud and ashamed, my dear Touga?"
"Fuck you."
"See, competition. And I also remember the day I got my ring. We were sparing and I finally beat you three days in a row, but the next day you returned with a ring, this Rose Signet ring. And you beat me again and again and again. But in a dream, a prince came to me and told me that the key to beating you was in a ring. And when I woke up, there it was...on my finger."
"Yes, I do remember that. I remember everything. I also remember sliding that ring upon your finger."
"What?!" I yelled as I dashed to the sofa and sat down, eyes wide.
"The prince, Akio or Dios—which ever you prefer—ordered me to. So at night I came to your room and slid the ring onto your finger. Did you think it was magic?"
"At the time...I sort of did."
"Well then, now you know the truth," Touga grinned and sat back stretching his arm over his head then behind his neck, "But I want to know some truth too. Why do you love the Rose Bride? You speak of her constantly and when you don't have her you go crazy. Is that the sign of a man who is in love...with someone else?"
"It was the competition. She was just something I needed. Something to remind me that I had beaten you; something that I had that you didn't; something special.... And at first, I thought she was something eternal. But, in order to fill a void in myself, I took her and afterwards I felt pathetic and empty. She just allowed it, even seemingly talked me into doing so. Almost as though she likes for those things to be done to her by any random Victor. It was sickening, both her and myself. I hated myself for using her like that, but I hated her for coaxing me on and acting the way she did. But something inside wanted to keep her close, to save her from herself. If she was only with me and I knew how she was then she was safe. I stopped casually making love to the Bride a long while ago. So she was safe."
"And the abuse?"
"Only because that behavior angered me. I was trying to save her, and still she would stray. I know inside that she always really hated me; she just couldn't express her feelings. And if you know women as well as one may think, then you'd know that no woman can be devoid of complete and total feeling."
"Yes. I do see that. But still, you love her."
"Touga, though it maybe true..."
"Shut up! Get away! Leave here now Saionji!" he yelled.
"Touga, it's different. I protect her, more so as a shameful big brother. Believe me! I love you."
He chuckled, completely changing his mood. The former was either an act...or an act of jealousy. But I could not tell at all....
"I also remember the day everything changed."
"What day?" he yawned.
"The day we were sparring, when it used to be fun. When you hurt my hand and didn't laugh at me like you do now, but nurtured me and dressed the wound. When we really were the best of friends. When everything was pure and happy. When I loved you undaunted and you loved me the same. When we would sneak a kiss here and there in the innocence of pre-adolescence. When I trusted you with all my heart. When I saw the truth of eternity in your eyes. When I found myself lost in the long strands of red hair. When our relationship was that of something to be proud of and open. When you too trusted in me to tell me that you and Nanami were "adopted" by Kiryuu-san and what happened to you after your hair had grown out."
He shuddered.
"Touga! Don't you remember when everything was perfect?! Don't you?! DON'T YOU?!" I cried to him, clinging to his chest.
"Yes..." he only whispered.
"And don't you remember the day that all ended, the day you dragged me into that stupid church! The day you became lost and disillusioned."
"That was the day I grew up Saionji. It just took you a lot longer."
"NO! That was the day you saw the girl in the coffin. That was the day you coaxed her out. And then we finally left, because you finally listened to my screams! You never ignored my cries like you did that day."
"She intrigued me."
"And when we were leaving, you stopped again and stared into that church wide-eyed! What did you do?! Show her something eternal?"
"No. I didn't show her anything. I only saw a prince that, with hardly any effort, changed her life someway, showed her something."
"What?"
"I could not see it."
"Well then, I suppose he did more than that."
"You are right my dear Saionji. He also changed me. From that moment on I have wanted to become a prince. I suppose that's another reason for all of those women. Princes make princesses, I suppose that is what I pretend to do."
"And that is where you became disillusioned."
"Why what do you mean?"
"You saw her, saw him, and immediately wanted nothing but to become a prince. But couldn't you tell? You already were!"
"What?"
"You've been trying since that day to be a hansom prince saving—and having—women. But couldn't you tell that even before that day Touga..." I began to cry, "you were saving me? You were always a prince! My prince!"
He was silenced and stiff. Only sitting back and breathing. I sat up and looked into his eyes just as I did when we were young. Tears were falling down his cheeks as he stared out into space. And then without warning, he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried. I held him close to me; a few whimpers seeped out through the cloth of my uniform jacket. His face was buried in the crook of my neck as I smoothed my fingers through his hair and rocked him back and forth. And then a whisper...
"Was I really your prince?"
"Yes Touga. And my only wish was that I could find eternity, to make the time when you were a prince eternal."
"Am I no longer a prince?"
"All of your princely qualities changed."
He continued to cry. Everything he had strived for was a mere nothing now.
"He tricked me! All of this a trick! Lies! I sold so much of my life for this! I even gave myself!"
"Touga? Did he?"
"Yes..." he cried. I only held him tighter. "Saionji! It's not far! I only wanted to be a prince. But I ruined it instead. I only thought you were weak and in the way of my goal...that's why I acted as I did. That's why I changed. I thought I grew up and you didn't."
"Tell me Touga: Did you love me then, when we were children? You were never able to tell me back then."
"Yes, I did Kyouichi," he smiled a bit in the fabric of my jacket, calling me my first name for the first time sense that day with the girl in the coffin.
"Now tell me: Do you love me now?"
"Of course I do."
"Yes or no please."
"Yes, I do Kyouichi."
I raised his face with my hand and kissed away the tears still welling up in his beautiful eyes and wiped his cheeks dry. And without notice, I pulled his chin up and kissed his sweet lips. Now it was innocent again. Love...pure and undaunted.
**********************************************************
".........ashes, ashes, we all fall down."
"Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posies........."
**********************************************************
"Because you fool, I was jealous!"
"Jealous?"
"Yes! Of you and...and Anthy!"
"Touga? Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"You aren't lying?"
"No, my dear Saionji. I love you," his words were quick and eased, almost without thought. He lurched forward and grabbed me connecting his lips to my own, but something was wrong. I could feel something was wrong!
"Touga," I gasped, pushing him away, "are you sure? How do I know you aren't lying?"
"Trust me. I love you."
"But...but...I can't trust you," I squirmed from his grasp, "if you loved me then why...why are you doing this? Love isn't only about sex Touga!"
"It's the only way I know how to express myself. So please...let me," he whispered, again kissing along my weary neck.
I pushed away at his advances and was finally able to release myself. I dashed to the other side of the room lined with windows. It was fine and elegant, curtains dipped in gold and tassels painted in crimson. Though the previous rain had dulled the sky, each window seemed to capture its own specific beauty.
"It's funny really," I snickered, "how everything turns out. All so very ironic."
"It's not literature, and this isn't a classroom. I don't feel like studying Saionji," he smiled at his place upon the couch.
"No, no, no. You misconstrue. If a young lady were to run away from you, well of course you would chase her. But here I go, your best friend nearly in tears, and the noble Touga Kiryuu, President of the Student Council and playboy extraordinaire, won't even stand up."
He lingered his way over and stood by me as I looked out the window of his estate.
"Well, I'm here now. So now what?" he smiled.
"No, Touga...not that. I just don't know if I can trust you yet. Tell me: Why do you make love to all of those random women. Use them, leave them, and toss them to the side."
"To fulfill that simple need that every man has built inside of them. That drive is natural. Some ignore it. Some get rid of it by their own personal needs. But me, I get rid of it another way."
"But don't you ever feel remorse?"
"Do you ever feel remorse for putting your wrist through such a repetitive and stressful movement?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Let us not be secretive on such matters my dear Saionji. The two of us are young men, seniors, on the verge of the most thrilling adventure...life! I would assume that both you and I have, at the very least, once relieved ourselves...alone. Wouldn't you agree?"
"You assume that I am going to answer you on that matter?"
"Yes, my Saionji, I do," he whispered into my ear, sliding and arm around my waist, "because I remember that even though you act strong-willed, you've already let your secret go. You love me."
"You said it too!" I wined.
"Ah, but you think that I am lying."
"So after all of those women, everyday...why Touga? Why did you do what you did?" I quickly changed the subject.
"Why? What a good question. The women filled that void, gave me a release. None of them really mattered. None of them matter now. Just a different substitute for a hand or some cold water. And even though the regular lust was fulfilled, there was still something more that I couldn't grasp. Our bickering, our fights in the kendo room, our fights in the dueling arena...our everything was and is filled with a tension I have never been able to describe. But in everything we think or do together in this friendship, there is always this strong feeling of competition. When we spare, it's all hateful competition, most of the time I win and every once in a while you win."
"More than that!"
"See, competition," he chuckled as he stepped back to the lavish sofa and sat down.
"I remember when all of the dueling started," I whispered as I held up my ring, "I remember you winning the Bride right away and duel after duel, I tried to win her. But just as in kendo class...you won. You always won. Until that fateful day when I won the Rose Bride from you! You were gone from the campus for the next few days and I am the only one who knows why. Too proud and ashamed, my dear Touga?"
"Fuck you."
"See, competition. And I also remember the day I got my ring. We were sparing and I finally beat you three days in a row, but the next day you returned with a ring, this Rose Signet ring. And you beat me again and again and again. But in a dream, a prince came to me and told me that the key to beating you was in a ring. And when I woke up, there it was...on my finger."
"Yes, I do remember that. I remember everything. I also remember sliding that ring upon your finger."
"What?!" I yelled as I dashed to the sofa and sat down, eyes wide.
"The prince, Akio or Dios—which ever you prefer—ordered me to. So at night I came to your room and slid the ring onto your finger. Did you think it was magic?"
"At the time...I sort of did."
"Well then, now you know the truth," Touga grinned and sat back stretching his arm over his head then behind his neck, "But I want to know some truth too. Why do you love the Rose Bride? You speak of her constantly and when you don't have her you go crazy. Is that the sign of a man who is in love...with someone else?"
"It was the competition. She was just something I needed. Something to remind me that I had beaten you; something that I had that you didn't; something special.... And at first, I thought she was something eternal. But, in order to fill a void in myself, I took her and afterwards I felt pathetic and empty. She just allowed it, even seemingly talked me into doing so. Almost as though she likes for those things to be done to her by any random Victor. It was sickening, both her and myself. I hated myself for using her like that, but I hated her for coaxing me on and acting the way she did. But something inside wanted to keep her close, to save her from herself. If she was only with me and I knew how she was then she was safe. I stopped casually making love to the Bride a long while ago. So she was safe."
"And the abuse?"
"Only because that behavior angered me. I was trying to save her, and still she would stray. I know inside that she always really hated me; she just couldn't express her feelings. And if you know women as well as one may think, then you'd know that no woman can be devoid of complete and total feeling."
"Yes. I do see that. But still, you love her."
"Touga, though it maybe true..."
"Shut up! Get away! Leave here now Saionji!" he yelled.
"Touga, it's different. I protect her, more so as a shameful big brother. Believe me! I love you."
He chuckled, completely changing his mood. The former was either an act...or an act of jealousy. But I could not tell at all....
"I also remember the day everything changed."
"What day?" he yawned.
"The day we were sparring, when it used to be fun. When you hurt my hand and didn't laugh at me like you do now, but nurtured me and dressed the wound. When we really were the best of friends. When everything was pure and happy. When I loved you undaunted and you loved me the same. When we would sneak a kiss here and there in the innocence of pre-adolescence. When I trusted you with all my heart. When I saw the truth of eternity in your eyes. When I found myself lost in the long strands of red hair. When our relationship was that of something to be proud of and open. When you too trusted in me to tell me that you and Nanami were "adopted" by Kiryuu-san and what happened to you after your hair had grown out."
He shuddered.
"Touga! Don't you remember when everything was perfect?! Don't you?! DON'T YOU?!" I cried to him, clinging to his chest.
"Yes..." he only whispered.
"And don't you remember the day that all ended, the day you dragged me into that stupid church! The day you became lost and disillusioned."
"That was the day I grew up Saionji. It just took you a lot longer."
"NO! That was the day you saw the girl in the coffin. That was the day you coaxed her out. And then we finally left, because you finally listened to my screams! You never ignored my cries like you did that day."
"She intrigued me."
"And when we were leaving, you stopped again and stared into that church wide-eyed! What did you do?! Show her something eternal?"
"No. I didn't show her anything. I only saw a prince that, with hardly any effort, changed her life someway, showed her something."
"What?"
"I could not see it."
"Well then, I suppose he did more than that."
"You are right my dear Saionji. He also changed me. From that moment on I have wanted to become a prince. I suppose that's another reason for all of those women. Princes make princesses, I suppose that is what I pretend to do."
"And that is where you became disillusioned."
"Why what do you mean?"
"You saw her, saw him, and immediately wanted nothing but to become a prince. But couldn't you tell? You already were!"
"What?"
"You've been trying since that day to be a hansom prince saving—and having—women. But couldn't you tell that even before that day Touga..." I began to cry, "you were saving me? You were always a prince! My prince!"
He was silenced and stiff. Only sitting back and breathing. I sat up and looked into his eyes just as I did when we were young. Tears were falling down his cheeks as he stared out into space. And then without warning, he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried. I held him close to me; a few whimpers seeped out through the cloth of my uniform jacket. His face was buried in the crook of my neck as I smoothed my fingers through his hair and rocked him back and forth. And then a whisper...
"Was I really your prince?"
"Yes Touga. And my only wish was that I could find eternity, to make the time when you were a prince eternal."
"Am I no longer a prince?"
"All of your princely qualities changed."
He continued to cry. Everything he had strived for was a mere nothing now.
"He tricked me! All of this a trick! Lies! I sold so much of my life for this! I even gave myself!"
"Touga? Did he?"
"Yes..." he cried. I only held him tighter. "Saionji! It's not far! I only wanted to be a prince. But I ruined it instead. I only thought you were weak and in the way of my goal...that's why I acted as I did. That's why I changed. I thought I grew up and you didn't."
"Tell me Touga: Did you love me then, when we were children? You were never able to tell me back then."
"Yes, I did Kyouichi," he smiled a bit in the fabric of my jacket, calling me my first name for the first time sense that day with the girl in the coffin.
"Now tell me: Do you love me now?"
"Of course I do."
"Yes or no please."
"Yes, I do Kyouichi."
I raised his face with my hand and kissed away the tears still welling up in his beautiful eyes and wiped his cheeks dry. And without notice, I pulled his chin up and kissed his sweet lips. Now it was innocent again. Love...pure and undaunted.
**********************************************************
".........ashes, ashes, we all fall down."
