Chapter Five

Faced with such an accusation Aoshi did the only thing he felt he could do: He burst into tears.

Which served to do two things: First, it frustrated Aoshi to the point where they weren't stress tears any longer and they turned into tears of rage. The second thing was that Sagara, in some misplaced notion of heroism, had placed himself firmly between the two hindering Aoshi's strike ability.

"Shinomori, I don't recall you being so pathetic. Even as a woman you shouldn't be so weepy."

He was dead. That was all there was to it.

What Aoshi wanted to come out of his mouth was the cool and rational explanation that he couldn't have bothered the man's family. He was with Misao and Kamiya most of the day. Then with the jackass and finally Sagara. Instead he leveled a death glare daring the man to dig himself deeper.

The psycho cop gladly obliged.

"Even so, if you cannot control your weasel and that raccoon girl in public, don't take them out."

Since when was he their keeper? The girls were old enough to take care of themselves. They didn't need him to baby sit. He wouldn't have gone along if Himura hadn't so gleefully volunteered him. That, and he didn't want to be stuck wearing Takani's clothing forever.

"Hey, you need to shut up." Sagara bristled.

The lean, dangerous man coolly appraised the youth, "Roosters are worse."

"What'd you say? Say it again, I dare you!"

Aoshi almost shoved the dumbo aside to dish out some personal revenge. Rather than be hasty he calmly watched… with his fists clenched so hard the knuckles were white.

"I don't have time for you Moron." Saitoh said dismissively and flicked his smoking butt to the ground. He turned toward Aoshi with a serious look, "You however have something I want."

"What do you require? If it will make you go away I believe I may be able to provide it."

There was that smirk again. It just seemed that everything was rubbing him the wrong way this evening. Shoot, what good was twenty-five years of building impenetrable self-control when it all was shot to pieces in one night?

"'Ey, Boss, cheatin' is all well 'n' good, but really!" Chou remarked limping out. He only made it half way through his next sentence. "She's goo' lookin' 'n' all-."

FWAP.

Aoshi felt satisfaction like never before.

"You're not usually so volatile." Saitoh remarked maliciously still watching with those creepy, golden eyes. Aoshi decided no man should have yellow eyes. It bothered him.

"What do you require?"

"My wife wants a formal apology from you, the weasel, and that raccoon girl." He smirked again, "It's fairly painless."

"Then I require an apology from your child."

Saitoh's eyes narrowed, "I never said this was bargaining business. You will apologize to my wife, and to my son also. For threatening to eat him."

"He would not taste pleasant in any case." Aoshi shrugged dismissively and turned to leave. Over his shoulder he asked, "And if I refuse?"

The question seemed to hang in the air before Saitoh's hand snaked out and grabbed that twice-cursed ponytail. Okay, that was going to be hacked off the moment he got back. Again, the slight stress brought the most unexpected result.

"Stop making her cry, you jerk!" Sagara snarled and tried to disengage the ex-Shinsengumi. He received a dizzying blow for his trouble.

And while Saitoh was distracted for the slightest little bit Aoshi lashed out. His palm slammed the taller man right in between the eyes. There was a muffled pop before those yellow eyes rolled back in the man's head and he collapsed.

"You… you…" Sagara sputtered, "You knocked him out! Oh this is rich. Wait until I tell Ken- eep, why are you looking at me like that?"

"Shut up."

"Will do." Sagara whimpered.

"Now help me bind his arms and toss him in the canal."

Sagara twitched nervously and Aoshi blinked. Had he really just said he was going to throw Saitoh in the canal? Maybe a visit to a doctor was in order. These mood swings were far more psychotic than even he was used to.

"Hehe, you were kidding… right? I mean, he's a jerk…"

"We are going home."

Sagara gave a skittish glance at his face and paled. Apparently there was some common sense buried under all that stupidity and bravado. Maybe Takani had more power over him than anyone every supposed. Not to mention that Aoshi now knew why so many husbands seemed out of sorts and meek on occasion. Women were scary, hostile creatures.

"But first take care of that thing." Aoshi directed, point to Chou. They couldn't leave the pig sitting on the gambling hall's door seat. Someone might trip over his prone body and get hurt. One could only hope anyway.

"Okay, what are you going to do?"

Flat stares always seemed to work before, but Sagara took off dragging the unconscious man at record speed.

"You have a date with the canal." Aoshi remarked to the man who was just coming around. Deftly he tied several tight knots, being a ninja encouraged many interesting skills, and started to drag his captive towards the water.

When the cop tried to talk Aoshi calmly stuffed his obi in the man's mouth. At least there was a good use for that wretched thing.

He had just gotten to the canal when he started having those annoying second thoughts. And they wouldn't leave him alone!

Was drowning the man the best way to get rid of him? It wasn't a hard question. Sheesh. So why was he having those evil qualms? Maybe he should truss the man up like a pig and drop him on the police station's doorstep with a note that read, Dear Ms. Fujita and Son, shove it. And it was an ugly kimono anyway!

Unfortunately that sounds like a bit much. His body was already rippling with pain, which he ignored, and he felt a headache forming. He better not have been drugged because that wouldn't save anyone who dared to mess with him. Just like it wasn't going to save the cop. Only a miracle could save him…

Or Misao.

Stupid Sagara. He went and tattled. It was a wonder that psychobabble Himura didn't grace his plight. Maybe the man had finally understood that his warped logic was neither appreciated, nor was it wanted.

"Ai! You can't throw him in the canal, even if he is a no-good, dirty Wolf," Her eyes narrowed as she considered that and added under her breath, "And he's the one who pegged me Weasel." Loudly, "I changed my mind. Let me get you some heavy rocks to make sure he sinks Ai."

It might have actually gone that way too. If Aoshi hadn't come to. He was starting to get a slight inkling for what Himura dealt with. Except that he didn't have an alter ego, just some mad woman part of him fighting to get out. Wait… same thing?

"Do not ask for an apology again." Aoshi told the man who was glaring quite potently at him. He bent down to untie the knots. There was absolutely no reason for him to have gone off on the cop. They had a good track record, or at least better than the one he had with Hiko or Himura. They got along. They didn't get in each others' way. Dang, he'd almost killed off the only other human being he could stand occasionally.

He had almost undone the first knot when something solid and painful thumped him on the back of the head. Half turning he sighed when he looked at the woman with her eyes narrowed and mouth pinched. She was idly smacking her fan in the palm of her hand making a soft, rhythmic sound.

"Why are you tying my husband up?"

Aoshi straightened and turned around to face the woman from before. What could he say? Why should he say anything? He frowned. None of this was his fault. He didn't ASK to be turned into a girl. He didn't ASK to be driven into society. He didn't ASK to go shopping for ugly clothing. He didn't ASK for Saitoh to show up and top off his evening. And he didn't ASK for Misao to come back with some very heavy looking rocks.

"You will release my husband at once!" The woman remarked in a dangerous, no-nonsense tone that any child would recognize as a very irate mother. "Then leave and take your puppy with you." She pointed at Misao.

Somehow Saitoh had gotten the obi out of his mouth, yet he looked far from amused that his wife was staunchly defending him. Was that a look of fear?

Nope, there was the trademark smirk that made Aoshi's foot itch to kick, "Weasel."

The woman stared down at him in silence before pronouncing, "Your weasel then. Disgusting little creatures. It suits her well."

"Hey!" Sometimes Misao had difficulty doing two things at once. Currently screeching and hauling heavy rocks was a bad combination. "Ouch!"

Saitoh's wife ignored her outburst primly and demanded. "After the apology for you disgraceful behavior. Both in public this morning and for this evening as well."

Misao, still holding her foot, muttered resentfully, "Make me you old biddy."

"Children are so very rude and ill-mannered these days." This was accompanied by a hurtful-sounding smack with that blasted fan. "You have been raised in an appalling manner. Not only do you act like you are merely six years old, but you also dress like a boy" Sniff. "No decent woman would run around showing such legs! It makes you look like a want-to-be hussy. If you were my daughter…"

Saitoh not only had the guts to snicker, but he actually laughed. It was a strange sound to be hearing and Aoshi, for one instant, realized that he had witnessed a miracle. Maybe the man was happy his wife was tearing into someone else for a change.

Before Aoshi could stop her Misao had started to stomp off. Unfortunately, she was still carrying a goodly amount of heavy rocks. And she tripped.

Aoshi fancifully considered the fact that it was probably on purpose before he gave a mental curse and dove in the canal after the bound Wolf.

He was vaguely aware of the screeching from the banks of both women. Of course, they were upset for different reasons.

"You evil girl, look what you did to my husband! No wonder you are such a wild disgrace. You must shame your family!"

"Ai, get out of there. You'll catch cold! And then Megumi will yell at me, or worse, she'll tease me!"

"I demand retribution!" The wife snarled as the flopped both of them on the bank. Why was Saitoh so dang heavy? It wasn't like he ate anything. It was a nasty side effect off those gross cigarettes. Why the man couldn't just find a stress ball was beyond Aoshi.

Aoshi slashed through the ropes taking pity on the poor man. At least if Misao decided to do something then Saitoh could defend himself. Then again, that might just mean Aoshi would end up in the canal again. Misao wasn't too good a swimmer.

"Take him and go home. You'll get your retribution next time he decides to come and harass me at my temple." Aoshi hated being bothered at his temple. Well, at the moment he hated a lot of things. But if he hadn't been dragged into public in the first place this nightmare wouldn't have happened.

As polite (cold) as his tone was he must have said something wrong because the wife puffed up and turned red with anger.

"I KNEW it! You're cheating on me, aren't you?" She hissed, "I just never thought it would be another woman. I can't believe you would go for some…" There was a brief bout of sputtering, "Cold fish of a girl. At least you could have slept with someone of standing and breeding and respectability! Not some cheap trash you picked up outside a gambling hall!"

How'd she know? Aoshi thought to himself with lazy sarcasm. He wisely refrained from saying it out loud. His crazy emotions seemed to have stabilized some.

Saitoh ignored the tirading tyrant of a wife and started casually lighting a smoke. Or he was trying. His matches were soaked, his hands were soaked, and his tobacco was ruined. He might as well have shoved the thing in his mouth and chewed because that was the only way he was going to get his release.

"Tokio-."

"Don't you TOKIO me!" She snapped and made a move to smack him over the head with the fan. He caught it and tossed it in the canal behind them saying something about crappy political marriages and bossy women.

With one swift motion the pack of cigarettes were following the fan to a watery grave.

"I think we should go back Ai." Misao remarked in a strangely subdued voice. Aoshi felt this odd impulse to comfort and console her. What the heck was going on?

Once back at the Aoiya he made an unsettling discovery.

Blood, and lots of it. The kimono he was wearing was dark enough to hide the unsightly mess, but he was perplexed. Saitoh didn't get a hit in, did he…?

Naturally he didn't want to share this information with the whole Aoiya. In fact, people who felt the need to over share every little thing made him want to puke. Or throttle them. Or both. Wait, when he thought throttle there was no mental accompaniment. Maybe he was getting over whatever weird mood that had possession of his soul just earlier that day?

But then the blood wouldn't stop. And it seemed different… Not only could he not locate a wound, but it was different. He couldn't put his finger on it.

Unfortunately that meant one thing: He would have to go find Takani.

As loathed as he was to do it. He wanted to limit his human contact, yet here he was seeking people out! That kami would pay somehow, someway.

His choice was taken from him when the woman walked around the corner. Of course, she was in the company of a certain gambler. Apparently Chou had woken up while Sagara was dragging him away. A pity. Who for Aoshi wasn't sure.

"Ouch, dang it."

"Ohoho, sweeping doesn't agree with you, does it Rooster head?"

"You should've seen the other guy." Sagara muttered and 'ouched' again.

"Ai, you should have kept this idiot out of trouble! Encourage such behavior will only end up having him come see me."

"I apologize."

Sagara gave the pair of them a dirty look and wandered off muttering about testy women wanting to limit a man's fun.

"You look like you want to see me Shinomori." Takani remarked with a sly glance from the corner of her eye. He didn't like that. Not one bit.

How to put this? I think I'm dying because I seem to have an internal wound and it will not stop bleeding. Or maybe, this is new to me, but do all women bleed so dang much when injured?

So they stood there. And stood there. And stood there some more.

"If you don't need me I'll go back inside and patch up the Rooster. He ran off without letting me tie off the bandages." Takani offered finally, but made no move to leave.

"I… seem to be injured. When I tried to throw a dangerous man in a cana-."

"Saitoh deserved it." Takani sniffed. "That man had caused quite a bit of trouble for Sir Ken."

Uh-huh. Not to mention someone else.

"In any case," He broke in, just in case she felt like going on a little rant about stupid men and their fights, "I seem to be bleeding excessively."

"Where?" Business as last. It was amazing how fast she could switch from righteous to professional.

He stared at her. If he were the type to be bashful or blushing he'd probably have fainted from the blood rushing to his head. Instead he stared.

"Well? I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"Could we go somewhere private?"

"So its that sort of problem. I don't advocate abortion, just to let you know. I believe no child should be deprived of life in such a fashion." She preached. He stared blankly at the back of her head. What in the world was she going on about now? He wasn't planning on killing any children. He never had.

Once they were locked in a room—he had insisted they lock the door—she peered at him expectantly. He stared.

"We're not doing this again. Whatever it is, I'm a doctor! I can handle it, trust me." She said finally.

There was dead silence.

"Well, the good news is: you're not dying."

He raised an eyebrow.

"The bad news is: your memory loss seems to be extremely eccentric. I've never heard of a woman forgetting about her monthly flow."

Monthly what…? Was that some obscure Zen reference?

"I don't suppose you are even prepared. Your mother should have taught you these things when you were a girl. It's most unusual that you don't remember that." She said. There was that sly look again as she pulled out something things.

"My childhood was… difficult for a female." He replied vaguely.

"Ohohoho, I see. Too many male, ninja role models I suppose."

Before he could catch himself he nodded. Crap.

"And being employed by a drug dealer was certainly no position for a young woman."

Okay, two things were so wrong with this. One: she was still ticked to heck at him for that. It was his job! He got paid to do it. Life's not fair; get over it! Two: more importantly, she knew he who he was.

His mind cross-referenced those two thoughts and did something most unexpected. He screamed. Whole-heartedly screamed.

She tittered behind her hand.

"You were a bit slow this time Shinomori." She said devilishly.

"How long."

"Since Ai couldn't properly tie "her" obi. You have a most interesting way of atonement."

"I will take my leave now." He replied mildly praying she'd let him go. Of course, wishful thinking rarely manifested.

"You haven't asked me how to deal with your problem." She said from behind him. He resisted the urge to run and hide with only the most supreme effort.

"I have another solution."

"Do you? You'll bleed for at least another two days." She warned, but he had wrestled open the door and was gone into the night. He was going to bust some chops.

The night was actually quite nice, but he ignored it all. He ignored the light breeze, the moonlight, and the three lechers he nailed on his way to the temple.

"Come out here right now so I can hang you up by your little trotters!" He screamed once he got there. Aoshi was a calm, self-contained man. He would never stoop so low as to scream at a pig in daylight. However, the night belonged to the ninja most of all. Not to mention all the monks were asleep.

There was a slight noise and a black shadow detached from the walls. The little porker glanced up with bleary, seedy eyes. She rubbed her face with a foot and yawned showing blunt teeth.

"Change me back!" He demanded. "Being a woman is not desirable."

"I never said it was. I wonder what it is like to be female?"

He didn't comment that she sure looked and sounded female to him. That wasn't the point.

She yawned again and slumped, "I was sleeping. What do you want stupid mortal? If I wasn't so sleepy I'd-." Another jaw-cracking jaw, "Turn you into a truffle for your insolence. Then I would feed you to my pets."

"Do it." He hissed.

She blinked rapidly and snorted, "Do what?"

"Change me back into a man."

"Well, if you thought you were that before…" She shook her head in a patronizing fashion, "But I can't."

He gripped his side and wished for a sharp, pointy object.

"Why not."

"Take a look in a pond or something. You humans are a selfish, oblivious bunch. No consideration for the fact that night is for sleeping. If you wish to continue this inane conversation tomorrow morning at a decent hour… Well, too bad for you maggot. You still annoy me."

There was a small pond in the corner of the courtyard. All the fish were sleeping. He stared down at them. What the heck was he looking for in a pond? His sharp eyes noticed that the pond need to be cleaned, that one of the fish was missing a fin, that that leaf right there looked like a fox… crap. He refused to go back until she had changed him back!

He slumped down against a wall in defeat.

And woke up to Misao's loud, screechy voice right in his ear.

"Aoshi-sama, you fell asleep up here again! Sleeping outside isn't too good for you, you know?"

He blinked and looked at her in confusion. She had called him Aoshi. Did that mean…? He whirled and looked down at the pond's surface. Long bangs shielded normal blue eyes—no extra thick lashes or ridicules irises—and it was shorn in the back. He traced his sharp jaw and felt his chest. He probably looked ridicules feeling himself up, but he had to be certain.

"Aoshi-sama, we should get back. What kind of dream were you having? It looked like a nightmare. That's why I woke you up. You looked terrified. It was kind of creepy." Misao chattered.

A dream? A nightmare.

"And Aoshi-sama?"

"Yes Misao." He replied noticing his voice had dropped and his nails were blunt again.

"Why are you wearing a woman's kimono?"

Laughter echoed in the temple and then a pouty voice remarked into the breeze, "I should have turned you into a pig."

A/N: O__O *is sleep deprieved* It's done! It's 1 am. Unfortunately, I was playing the fun game of find interesting links and follow them. Shinsengumi-manga-related. But I'd like to thank some people. First off, J (fyyrrose) you slacked! You get no recognition. And I'm still mad at you for 18. There will be retribution! To my mother who helped me with the flow on the first chapter and helped me with some of the dialogue/pick up lines. To my Grandmother who patiently listened to me run some Aoshi/Megumi dialogue past her and actually found it funny. And to my Aunt who commented my humor is dark and very dry and that I'd like Ladykillers. Hope all y'all enjoyed it! *winces* BSR beckons. I can't chicken out of the big battle at the end.

MissBehavin: You know I have to bring the man in. He's essential for a humor fic. Does deranged and egotistical answer your question? Sano has his moments (actually, I felt bad for killing him ^^). Aoshi should just lock himself away from humanity. Look at the damage he's done being social! Tokio is a tyrant from hell *starts laughing*. Yes, it would. No wonder the poor man is so cynical and sadonic.

Trupana: Because only Saitoh could have a lil brat? It wasn't originally that, but then I was like, oh, good way to bring the psycho cop in. Tokio is a woman of many forms and personalities. I got tired of making her polite or wise or nice or considerate. I pick on everyone *grins* Misao doesn't bother me because she chatters X__X but I'd imagine it'd get tiresome. It was the table or someone's hand. That quote came directly from my mother *chokes*Or at least the first part. Aoshi would NEVER use such a sad pick up line. ONLY Sano could do something like that and pull it off ^^ Can you picture Kenshin saying something cheesy O.o;;

Ken: Er, the only thing your eyes... forgive me! Sano is making me do this! *gets whacked*... haven`t told me is... @_@ your name?

And, *chokes* does this chapter answer your question? Oh yes, messy. I wear dark pants. Yes, my mother is unconventional -__-' I blame her for my current state of mind.

Shimizu Hitomi: *whistles* Megumi had some payback in mind. Aoshi needs to learn to be a better actor(ess). Ki can't really be helped, but mannerisms can. I would love it if someone would do that! I, sadly, cannot draw people to save my life. Well, anything actually. I haven't worked on my artistic ability for almost half a year.

Fyyrrose: A little? Which idea for Saitoh? The canal was my idea through and through *chokes* Well, you can always buy a new monitor if you work. Take your musing. Let me finish BSR then we'll play with TTUH. I'll finish up to the point where we left off at lunch. No one ever dared to use them on me! I was reading psych and was like, okay, I've never a) received sexual looks b) or comments c) everyone still has body parts because no touches. I give off the mess with me and die aura I guess. Even stupid guys get it instinctively. SL made the comment that they were creepy, how close they looked. I said the creepy thing was that Susumu looked more like a woman than his sister did! Except the front you know. There, it's only 35 pages. Not too bad. I need to see 20! Not that I care about Suzu or Yoshida or Tetsu, but I've seen the rest so I have to see that too! Two words: pig drawings.

eriesalia: *shrugs* I'm *sweatdrop* a bit fearless with my writing in case you haven't noticed. Well, they both died. They both end up gay or het. Just think of it as a sign of favoritism ^__^ My brother commented I should just stick them together O____________O*snickers* I can't stand Misao or Kaoru in humor fics. I like Misao in BSR, but that's about it. Kaoru is like Yahiko. Who is she again? Oh yeah, that annoying character.