Hello, everyone. This is my first B/S fanfic. Yes, there are major spoilers. Spike was never chipped, but he joined the gang anyway, Buffy never loved Angel, Willow is still with Oz, he never left, and she never kissed Xander. Xander is paired with Anya, because I didn't like X/C together. Yes, there is a Dawn in this piece, and Buffy does die to save her. The whole abandoned house sex-capade did happen, but then it veers off into a plot of my own making.
Disclaimers: I own none of these characters, JW takes all of the glory for their making, I am just torturing them for a bit. Thank you, please r&r. ************************************************************************** ****************** What do you think it is like, being caught in a trap of your own making? What is it that causes us to seek the darkness hidden within our deepest subconscious? Is it that we crave the pleasure-pain it gives us to give in to our darkest desires? Is it the adrenaline rush we receive in the throes of that darkness?
We keep that darkness hidden behind a well-maintained façade during the daylight hours, and then at night, we rip the masks off and let that darkness loose. It becomes addictive, unleashing that darkness. We revel in the feelings we receive, because it is a release of the tension you get when maintaining the façade of daylight.
This is what I realized when I gave into that seductive pull. The danger, the pain, the pleasure, and later, the shame of what I had done, with no thought to anyone else, had become like a drug to me: my own personal dark secret, which I had to keep to myself at any cost.
That first night, in the abandoned house, I knew immediately that what I had done was wrong, but I couldn't help but keep coming back for more. It was the only thing keeping me sane, as absurd as it seems. Spike was the only thing keeping me sane, he was the only one who truly understands me, although I cannot comprehend it.
I had always thought that all vampires were evil, soulless creatures, whose only thought was blood and death. Then, I met Spike, and I admired his loyalty to the one he loved, even if she was insane. He started to slowly change my perceptions, made me see beyond the black and white to the gray that is in between.
I knew it then, but I didn't want to admit to it. After all, I was supposed to be in love with Angel. So, I slept with him, thinking that that would put an end to these feelings inside of me. Instead, it brought out what was to become my worst nightmare. Angelus, the Scourge of Europe, the most feared of all vampire kind.
Even then, Spike showed extreme loyalty, even to the one who had abandoned him for his sire. That loyalty was deep enough that he made a deal with me, his enemy.
After he left with Drusilla, it was a while before he came back. Even after I had run, though I was loath to admit it, I missed him. He had added a bit of spice in my life, and I missed it.
It was to become later that he became my greatest ally, and my best friend, and my deepest, darkest desire.