Chapter 1: Mysteries of the Past

Harry sat at the Gryffindor breakfast table reading his pornographic fan mail as owls fluttered around his head. It was a week before the start of term, as Harry pondered the events of the summer...

The Dursleys had been as foul as ever, ignoring Harry at all costs; Harry smiled at the memory of Dudley bringing home a girl and the look on aunt Petunia's face. Lorna was a tall, anorexic blond with a pale, sad appearance. Harry almost felt sorry for her when Dudley, in all his boxing champion glory, dragged her through the door. Harry himself found her pretty unattractive. She had a skinny face with very prominent cheek bones and a long scrawny neck – not unlike aunt Petunia in fact – and she looked miserable (plus the fact that she was the most flat-chested girl he had ever seen). However, his opinion soon changed to a feeling of loathing when she pushed him out of her way with considerable force. On the other hand, she and Dudley had done him a good turn by getting him sent back to Hogwarts early.

It was about a week ago, when Dudley and Lorna were having a rather intimate moment in Dudley's bedroom. The loud grunts from upstairs had caused aunt Petunia and uncle Vernon to nearly hit the ceiling in rage – uncle Vernon's face turning more and more blackberry-coloured by the second. They had been furious, of course, with Harry. "Dinky Duddydums wouldn't make those disguising noises" aunt Petunia had crooned, and Harry had given up protesting. After an immense row and the involvement of Albus Dumbledore, Harry had ended up back at Hogwarts, with only his porn to keep him company.

On the other hand, that wasn't really a problem, he thought to himself, looking at a particularly good photo. Melons he thought, astounded by what he was seeing. He was looking forward to the weekend when Ron and Hermione would arrive so that Hermione could do all of his home work for him and Ron could enjoy is fan mail with him! Just then, a voice interrupted his musings and he was surprised to see the long crooked nose of professor Dumbledore. Panicking, Harry rushed to cover the photos spread out over the table, knocking over the milk jug in his haste; some of them were rather indecent...

"It's quite alright Harry, I won't look. We all have our own personal interests." Dumbledore said with a glint in his deep blue eyes. Speechless, Harry gaped at the headmaster.

"What I really came to talk to you about was your well being in the castle. I know your friends will be arriving soon, but I still wish you to take care – don't stray out of the boundaries of the school without permission and leave the forest well alone – I believe Grawp and his... err... lady friend maybe rather busy, as I discovered to my cost the other night. Now onto the subject of your lessons-"

"What?! I have to do lessons? But professor it's the holidays!" Harry interrupted, outraged.

"Yes Harry, you need to know how to defend yourself, something I don't think professor Umbridge taught you very much about last year. I will be tutoring you myself in defensive magic and...err... other matters connected with wand work."

"Err... right, thank you professor, but seeing as it's not the beginning of term yet, please could I be excused form homework. I have some other, more pressing matters to attend to."

"Oh very well then. Your first lesson will be tomorrow morning at 10.00. Oh, and Harry?"

"Yes professor?"

"Do put those away before professor McGonagall arrives," he said, glancing at the letter and photos Harry was still half clutching, "otherwise I don't think she'll agree to you sitting at the staff table with us. I will see you tomorrow afternoon up in my office, don't be late. The password is toffee melons." And with that he disappeared out of the entrance hall in the swish of a cloak, his long legs carrying him to attend to other matters, specifically to speak to Hagrid about concealing his latest and largest venture.

Harry sat back in his chair, surprised how understanding the headmaster was. Carefully, he piled up his photos, letters and everything else his fans had sent him to take them up to his dormitory. On his way along a third floor corridor he was caught unawares by peeves.

"Ooh look, it's Potty-wee-Potter! What's Potty doing with all that porn? Potty will get a detention for sure if he leaves that lying around!" said the poltergeist and with a wicked grin he grabbed Harry's mail and scattered it everywhere! Laughing gleefully, Peeves skipped off and vanished through a wall.

Infuriated, Harry grabbed at the papers, but before he knew it they had scattered. Thoughtfully Harry contemplated using magic. It was still the holidays, but he was in school. He would be using it tomorrow anyway. Oh well, here goes, he thought, "Accio fan mail." The paper flew into his hands. "Accio, accio, accio!" Eventually there was no more to summon – Harry seemed to be summoning random suits of armour and such like now – so he stopped. Plotting his revenge on Peeves, he stormed on up the stairs.

Up in his dorm, which looked very empty without his friends, he stuffed his mail under his pillow, preparing for a good night. Glancing around the room, he caught sight of his firebolt and decided to do some quiddich practise. The ghosts of Hogwarts seemed very interested in Harry's return to school, as Harry saw a least five of them on his way to the quiddich pitch. He gave the snitch a 10 second head start and then soared into the air. Circling the pitch, eyes searching for a small glint of gold, Harry began to think of the possibilities of being alone in school. There was so much he could set up – Fred and George might be gone but he was going to do his father and Sirius proud. The others weren't going to know what had hit them! Slightly bored by the lack of players, Harry decided to practise some dives. After performing the Wronski feint about four times he caught sight of that familiar glint of gold. As his finger wrapped around its struggling wings he soared down, with a sense of triumph, even though no one was watching.

He made his way down to the great hall in time for dinner, where he found professors McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick and Dumbledore seated at the staff table.

"Do sit down Harry" said professor Dumbledore, indicating a seat to his right.

"Thanks professor" Harry replied gratefully, moving into the seat on the left of the headmaster.

Harry was making his way upstairs after a delicious supper, when he noticed a letter lying on the stone floor. Thinking it was probably a piece of run away fan mail, he grabbed it immediately, but on closer inspection, the letter appeared to be something completely different. Unfolding the parchment, he began to read:

"Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's secret stash of mischief-making tricks. To find –"

To his disappointment Harry realised that the parchment was torn and no more was legible. Intrigued, Harry poked around the nearby antiques in the corridor. However, when the suit of armour, the old writing desk and several portraits proved very unhelpful he decided to give up for now. He had to find that rest of the note. Would it tell him where to find the stash? But surely James and Sirius wouldn't have made it that easy for people to find. He had a feeling he might need Hermione's logic no this one. Desperate once again to see her (and not just for the sake of picking up pretty girls...) and Ron he decided to put it to the back of his mind for now. Folding up the note, he tucked it into his pocket.