* * * * *
Months went by. The scars were starting to pile up, my arms and legs lined with rows of pale and plastic tissue. Some were short and tidy, others looked like I'd hacked myself with a machete. They hadn't healed cleanly, despite my careful bandaging, because I scratched at them sometimes too.
I hid the scars well, although Robin gave me occasional odd looks and I began to worry he might catch me. The thought of the uproar that would ensue was almost enough to make me reach for the scalpel.
I never expected...I didn't think about what would happen when I got a call from the JLA.
They only call me for emergencies, so I don't head to the Watchtower expecting a walk in the park. But we were on our way to the outer reaches of the solar system before I'd even gotten a briefing.
I was along to solve the mystery of an abandoned spaceship and its strange contents, both hurtling toward Earth. When those contents proved to be gigantic furry creatures in stasis, which awoke and attacked us, we all jumped to the obvious conclusion.
After all, it often seems the universe is populated solely by beings who wish to invade Earth.
I fought my way to the control center, engaged in hand-to-hand combat in narrow passageways; the ship had to be turned away. Perhaps if Lantern had been there...but he wasn't.
The creatures were ungodly strong and even the powers of my colleagues were barely holding back the attacks as I struggled with the ship's computer. If the creatures had had any sense of coordination, we'd have been lost through sheer numbers.
I could hear shouting through my comm, but I blocked it out, forcing myself to concentrate on the screen in front of me.
"On the left!" Wonder Woman called, her voice sounding strained.
If the orange circles represented conduits...
Flash yelled, "They're here!"
Push this to make the power flow there...
"No!" J'onn said.
That was it! It was working; I could knock out the power to the ship, disable it. That would give us enough time to figure out a better solution while the crew fixed the ship.
**Stop!** J'onn called in our minds.
"What?" I said aloud. "The engines are going to blow. We need--"
An alarm screeched and blue lights flashed in the floor panels.
J'onn sounded frantic. "They're children, Batman. Their minds are hard to read, but I've managed to get through and they're definitely children."
Flash appeared in front of me and before I could react, he'd carried me to the Javelin.
"We must stop whatever you've done," J'onn said, slipping up through the floor. "They can't fix this. They only fought us because they were frightened."
"I can't stop it," I said as Superman and Wonder Woman arrived, slamming the hatch closed behind them. We stared at each other for a long moment, listening to the alarm blaring.
Superman recovered first. "Then we'd better go find someone to fix it."
"But we can't..." Wonder Woman made an abortive move back to the alien ship.
J'onn held her arm. "In their minds, we're invaders. They're too frightened to let us help. We must leave and find another way."
Most of the ride back to Earth was spent transmitting all the data I'd accumulated, tracking down the materials and manpower to fix what I'd done.
I felt my colleagues' eyes on me as I worked. I shamelessly used the cover of my costume and the fear I knew I inspired to keep them all away. Even Superman couldn't bring himself to bother me, so strongly was I projecting 'leave me alone.'
There was no time to get back to the Cave. If I didn't do something, I was going to explode long before I reached the transporter and got past the reception committee waiting at home to be certain I was okay.
I would *not* lose control. I would not lash out at my teammates or those waiting for me on Earth. I tried deep breathing, but every time I closed my eyes I saw the creatures, the children of a distant race, those I'd nearly killed by acting without sufficient knowledge.
I imagined their panicked cries as the power systems drained. Bile gathered in my throat, acrid, burning, and not nearly enough pain to soothe me. There was nothing more I could do. I'd done quite enough harm for one day.
Wonder Woman tried to say something when we reached the Watchtower, but I brushed past, stifling the urge to hit her and wipe off the pity I saw. Flash whispered something and they let me go.
I strode to my quarters, where I keep a first aid kit for times when I want to avoid the infirmary. Even that didn't seem unusual to anyone. It's amazing how years of habits can add up.
It was...odd. Despite my occasional efforts, the rooms remained distressingly bright and, even with their size and light, being in outer space made me feel trapped in a way the Cave never had.
I hesitated, but the pull--the feeling I was going to explode--was too strong. I left my cowl on, but stripped my gloves and the top half of the suit to get to my right arm. The waiting was killing me and I put up the strongest mental shield I could conjure.
A long slice, exquisite pain, and I fell to my knees, almost crying out. It was so intense, I forgot where I was.
Which was why I was so surprised to hear J'onn's voice. "Batman!"
How the--
Nobody, not even J'onn, should be able to sneak up on me. All my senses scanned the area, checking for other intruders. Nobody. But J'onn...
I found my voice. "Go away." I had a hand over the most recent cut, but I knew it wasn't covering all the scars. I had to get away.
"But you--"
"I'm fine. I'll bandage this and go home."
J'onn's hand covered mine before I could move. "No." I had seen him in a great many situations, but rarely had he sounded so uncompromising.
"Go. Away." I refused to struggle--it was undignified--but I wanted him off me, away from me. This was not his concern.
"Yes, it is. It is my concern if one of my friends is hurt."
"Get out of my mind!" I jumped to my feet, forgetting my determination not to struggle. J'onn let me go, his expression sad as I backed away.
"Bruce--"
"I'm Batman here, you know that."
J'onn looked lost. You wouldn't think he could still be surprised after so many years as a telepath on Earth; perhaps it was just that it was me. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to read you, but you are projecting. Strongly. It was...I was worried."
He took a step toward me and I backed away, running through every exercise I knew to block telepaths. J'onn winced, so it was obviously working.
"There is nothing to worry about." It's almost amusing that I could say that as blood dripped between my fingers onto the metal floor, splashing like a leaky faucet.
"Do not lie to me," J'onn said.
"I'm not."
"You're bleeding and I could feel your pain from three floors away. That was not only a lie, it was a clumsy lie."
I couldn't think. I needed to do something and he was standing there insulting me. "I neither need nor want your help." It was a struggle to keep my voice low, harder than usual to keep from shouting my irritation.
"Another clumsy lie. That worries me more than the blood."
I glared at him. "How many times must I tell you to leave me alone?"
"Until I believe you will not hurt yourself when I leave."
"You have no idea what I'm doing."
"But I know you need my help, even if you do not want it." He morphed into the shape of John Jones. "Would it be easier to talk to me in this form?"
I turned away, moving to the table with the first aid kit. There was a whisper of sound behind me, but J'onn stopped when I picked up a bandage and went to wash off my arm. My breathing was erratic, echoing in my ears.
I held my arm under the running water, turning the water as hot as it could go. J'onn made a strange noise, but he didn't try to stop me, so I ignored him, concentrating on the water, on how it burned. It wasn't as good as the cutting, but it worked, and my customary focus returned.
When I felt able to face the world, I turned off the water and bound my arm.
Still not looking at J'onn, I put the suit back on, not even wincing as it placed pressure on my new cut and the reddened skin around it. When I was fully armored, I raised my eyes to meet his, which were once again alien.
"Do *not* attempt to restrain me, or you will regret it."
Even J'onn can be cowed temporarily by the Batman and he bowed his head. I left the room and transported back to Earth. And if I felt a deliberate brush across my mind when I reappeared in the Cave, well, there was nothing more to be done then.
Alfred and Robin were waiting, with Nightwing, Huntress, and Oracle on the line, all eager to hear about the JLA's latest mission. I think they were disappointed by the brevity of my report, but I needed time to think, time to decide what to do about J'onn.
I knew him too well to believe that he would keep silent forever simply because I demanded it. But exactly what he would choose to do, that was more difficult to discern. In some ways, J'onn is more human than I, and in others, so alien I couldn't understand him in a lifetime of trying.
* * * * *
J'onn did nothing.
That was almost worse than any action I could imagine, because it left me waiting and planning. And wondering. A part of me wondered what he was up to, another wondered why he hadn't already taken action. A small voice asked if perhaps he didn't care, but I stifled that as irrelevant.
A week went by with no reaction from anyone. No Nightwing showing up on my doorstep, no Superman looking earnest and concerned, not even unusually worried stares from Robin.
Foolishly, I relaxed and resumed my routine. By this point, I was cutting myself at least once a week, and one early morning found me in the Cave, remembering...many things.
Head bowed, I held the scalpel over my thigh, below the tidy rolled hem of my sweats, panting breaths making it hard to hold the small object steady as I leaned against the wall. Just as the blade touched my leg, I sensed the presence I'd been waiting for. Whirling, I found J'onn hovering behind me, his face blank.
I found I was holding the scalpel between us, and I'd automatically dropped into a fighting stance. "What do you want? Are you here to stop me?"
"No. I am here to witness."
That surprised me enough to break through the haze over my mind. "What?"
"I've been doing research. I do not believe I can or should stop you. But I do not wish you to be alone, either."
I took a step back, my mind awhirl. The pain was still beating at me from behind the shield of Batman, demanding an outlet, but the habits of a lifetime warred with it.
"Get out of my home," I snarled.
J'onn didn't deign to respond. He knew that so long as he remained in his intangible state, there was very little I could do to him. Of course, there was always the chance that I might take one of those other options, one of the ways I knew to incapacitate a telepath or a Martian, but I wasn't that far gone. Yet.
I stood in unfamiliar indecision--he could follow anywhere I might go, no material would stop him, and he was equally as stubborn as I. Sitting in midair like a green Buddha, J'onn made no move to influence me.
Inside my mind, I screamed. J'onn knew damn well the thing I hated most was others witnessing my weakness; he was wrong if he thought that would stop me. I reminded myself that when you can make your weakness a strength, you will always win.
I stood tall, my expression undoubtedly at its stoniest. "If you want to watch, then watch."
I didn't bother to turn away, switching the scalpel over to the left hand, bracing my right hand on the wall and slicing with the left. I held J'onn's gaze and he didn't move, just watched me.
As I felt the warmth flow down my leg, the screaming in my mind subsided. I wondered if J'onn heard it, since I couldn't be sure of my ability to block. My pulse slowed and I went to apply a bandage to my leg, refusing to limp as I walked.
When I was done, I looked up at J'onn, who didn't appear to have moved.
"Well, are you satisfied?" My voice and mind were quieter.
"No. Are you?" Now he held *my* gaze. I was fairly certain he wasn't reading my mind, but I concentrated on blankness.
"I'm fine."
"You are far from fine." J'onn hesitated. "Please, Bruce, the pain, let me--"
"Quiet!"
He closed his eyes for a moment. "You are hurting yourself."
I crossed my arms and glared. That was a statement so obvious as to be unworthy of a response. I wanted to walk away, but was certain he would follow until he'd finished whatever he wanted to say.
"Bruce, I am concerned."
"There is nothing wrong."
"That you appear to believe this means that I have missed far too many warning signs. We *all* have. We've grown too accustomed to allowing you your secrecy. We have failed you and I am sorry."
I was almost incoherent with the hatred that welled up. "Sorry? You...how dare you...Stay out of my mind!"
J'onn sighed, sounding almost human. "I will leave now. Please try to think about what I've said."
He stretched and slipped through the ceiling of the Cave, leaving me alone with uncomfortable thoughts and worse memories.
* * * * *
J'onn didn't appear every time I cut myself. Even *he* couldn't possibly monitor me all the time, I suppose. I hated the idea that he was waiting, watching for an emotional spike that must have been a beacon fire to a telepath of his capacity.
But he came often enough. It was the same each time: He'd watch, try to talk to me, not try to stop me. I wondered when he would finally give up and tell one of the others, how they would react.
I began to obsess over it.
* * * * *
Another midnight in Gotham, another grimy alley and abandoned warehouse, another set of clues leading me to a mass murderer.
This time, it was a trap. An obvious trap, so obvious Robin tried to convince me not to go, his voice cracking as he argued with me. I couldn't be bothered to listen to his arguments, and he followed me in.
The click of a detonator is unmistakable to anyone who has heard it before. Instinctively, we both dove out of the way, but not fast enough.
Everything was on fire, shrapnel falling in flaming sheets; I crouched over Robin, using my cape to shield us. Oracle shouted in my ear, but I was too busy staring at Robin unconscious, burned, bleeding.
Blood streamed onto his shoulder and it took long moments for me to realize it came from me, until I could hardly hold my cape over us. I could hear Nightwing yelling on the line, but the words couldn't beat back the encroaching darkness.
Then the pain was gone and I let go.
--continued in part 3--
Months went by. The scars were starting to pile up, my arms and legs lined with rows of pale and plastic tissue. Some were short and tidy, others looked like I'd hacked myself with a machete. They hadn't healed cleanly, despite my careful bandaging, because I scratched at them sometimes too.
I hid the scars well, although Robin gave me occasional odd looks and I began to worry he might catch me. The thought of the uproar that would ensue was almost enough to make me reach for the scalpel.
I never expected...I didn't think about what would happen when I got a call from the JLA.
They only call me for emergencies, so I don't head to the Watchtower expecting a walk in the park. But we were on our way to the outer reaches of the solar system before I'd even gotten a briefing.
I was along to solve the mystery of an abandoned spaceship and its strange contents, both hurtling toward Earth. When those contents proved to be gigantic furry creatures in stasis, which awoke and attacked us, we all jumped to the obvious conclusion.
After all, it often seems the universe is populated solely by beings who wish to invade Earth.
I fought my way to the control center, engaged in hand-to-hand combat in narrow passageways; the ship had to be turned away. Perhaps if Lantern had been there...but he wasn't.
The creatures were ungodly strong and even the powers of my colleagues were barely holding back the attacks as I struggled with the ship's computer. If the creatures had had any sense of coordination, we'd have been lost through sheer numbers.
I could hear shouting through my comm, but I blocked it out, forcing myself to concentrate on the screen in front of me.
"On the left!" Wonder Woman called, her voice sounding strained.
If the orange circles represented conduits...
Flash yelled, "They're here!"
Push this to make the power flow there...
"No!" J'onn said.
That was it! It was working; I could knock out the power to the ship, disable it. That would give us enough time to figure out a better solution while the crew fixed the ship.
**Stop!** J'onn called in our minds.
"What?" I said aloud. "The engines are going to blow. We need--"
An alarm screeched and blue lights flashed in the floor panels.
J'onn sounded frantic. "They're children, Batman. Their minds are hard to read, but I've managed to get through and they're definitely children."
Flash appeared in front of me and before I could react, he'd carried me to the Javelin.
"We must stop whatever you've done," J'onn said, slipping up through the floor. "They can't fix this. They only fought us because they were frightened."
"I can't stop it," I said as Superman and Wonder Woman arrived, slamming the hatch closed behind them. We stared at each other for a long moment, listening to the alarm blaring.
Superman recovered first. "Then we'd better go find someone to fix it."
"But we can't..." Wonder Woman made an abortive move back to the alien ship.
J'onn held her arm. "In their minds, we're invaders. They're too frightened to let us help. We must leave and find another way."
Most of the ride back to Earth was spent transmitting all the data I'd accumulated, tracking down the materials and manpower to fix what I'd done.
I felt my colleagues' eyes on me as I worked. I shamelessly used the cover of my costume and the fear I knew I inspired to keep them all away. Even Superman couldn't bring himself to bother me, so strongly was I projecting 'leave me alone.'
There was no time to get back to the Cave. If I didn't do something, I was going to explode long before I reached the transporter and got past the reception committee waiting at home to be certain I was okay.
I would *not* lose control. I would not lash out at my teammates or those waiting for me on Earth. I tried deep breathing, but every time I closed my eyes I saw the creatures, the children of a distant race, those I'd nearly killed by acting without sufficient knowledge.
I imagined their panicked cries as the power systems drained. Bile gathered in my throat, acrid, burning, and not nearly enough pain to soothe me. There was nothing more I could do. I'd done quite enough harm for one day.
Wonder Woman tried to say something when we reached the Watchtower, but I brushed past, stifling the urge to hit her and wipe off the pity I saw. Flash whispered something and they let me go.
I strode to my quarters, where I keep a first aid kit for times when I want to avoid the infirmary. Even that didn't seem unusual to anyone. It's amazing how years of habits can add up.
It was...odd. Despite my occasional efforts, the rooms remained distressingly bright and, even with their size and light, being in outer space made me feel trapped in a way the Cave never had.
I hesitated, but the pull--the feeling I was going to explode--was too strong. I left my cowl on, but stripped my gloves and the top half of the suit to get to my right arm. The waiting was killing me and I put up the strongest mental shield I could conjure.
A long slice, exquisite pain, and I fell to my knees, almost crying out. It was so intense, I forgot where I was.
Which was why I was so surprised to hear J'onn's voice. "Batman!"
How the--
Nobody, not even J'onn, should be able to sneak up on me. All my senses scanned the area, checking for other intruders. Nobody. But J'onn...
I found my voice. "Go away." I had a hand over the most recent cut, but I knew it wasn't covering all the scars. I had to get away.
"But you--"
"I'm fine. I'll bandage this and go home."
J'onn's hand covered mine before I could move. "No." I had seen him in a great many situations, but rarely had he sounded so uncompromising.
"Go. Away." I refused to struggle--it was undignified--but I wanted him off me, away from me. This was not his concern.
"Yes, it is. It is my concern if one of my friends is hurt."
"Get out of my mind!" I jumped to my feet, forgetting my determination not to struggle. J'onn let me go, his expression sad as I backed away.
"Bruce--"
"I'm Batman here, you know that."
J'onn looked lost. You wouldn't think he could still be surprised after so many years as a telepath on Earth; perhaps it was just that it was me. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to read you, but you are projecting. Strongly. It was...I was worried."
He took a step toward me and I backed away, running through every exercise I knew to block telepaths. J'onn winced, so it was obviously working.
"There is nothing to worry about." It's almost amusing that I could say that as blood dripped between my fingers onto the metal floor, splashing like a leaky faucet.
"Do not lie to me," J'onn said.
"I'm not."
"You're bleeding and I could feel your pain from three floors away. That was not only a lie, it was a clumsy lie."
I couldn't think. I needed to do something and he was standing there insulting me. "I neither need nor want your help." It was a struggle to keep my voice low, harder than usual to keep from shouting my irritation.
"Another clumsy lie. That worries me more than the blood."
I glared at him. "How many times must I tell you to leave me alone?"
"Until I believe you will not hurt yourself when I leave."
"You have no idea what I'm doing."
"But I know you need my help, even if you do not want it." He morphed into the shape of John Jones. "Would it be easier to talk to me in this form?"
I turned away, moving to the table with the first aid kit. There was a whisper of sound behind me, but J'onn stopped when I picked up a bandage and went to wash off my arm. My breathing was erratic, echoing in my ears.
I held my arm under the running water, turning the water as hot as it could go. J'onn made a strange noise, but he didn't try to stop me, so I ignored him, concentrating on the water, on how it burned. It wasn't as good as the cutting, but it worked, and my customary focus returned.
When I felt able to face the world, I turned off the water and bound my arm.
Still not looking at J'onn, I put the suit back on, not even wincing as it placed pressure on my new cut and the reddened skin around it. When I was fully armored, I raised my eyes to meet his, which were once again alien.
"Do *not* attempt to restrain me, or you will regret it."
Even J'onn can be cowed temporarily by the Batman and he bowed his head. I left the room and transported back to Earth. And if I felt a deliberate brush across my mind when I reappeared in the Cave, well, there was nothing more to be done then.
Alfred and Robin were waiting, with Nightwing, Huntress, and Oracle on the line, all eager to hear about the JLA's latest mission. I think they were disappointed by the brevity of my report, but I needed time to think, time to decide what to do about J'onn.
I knew him too well to believe that he would keep silent forever simply because I demanded it. But exactly what he would choose to do, that was more difficult to discern. In some ways, J'onn is more human than I, and in others, so alien I couldn't understand him in a lifetime of trying.
* * * * *
J'onn did nothing.
That was almost worse than any action I could imagine, because it left me waiting and planning. And wondering. A part of me wondered what he was up to, another wondered why he hadn't already taken action. A small voice asked if perhaps he didn't care, but I stifled that as irrelevant.
A week went by with no reaction from anyone. No Nightwing showing up on my doorstep, no Superman looking earnest and concerned, not even unusually worried stares from Robin.
Foolishly, I relaxed and resumed my routine. By this point, I was cutting myself at least once a week, and one early morning found me in the Cave, remembering...many things.
Head bowed, I held the scalpel over my thigh, below the tidy rolled hem of my sweats, panting breaths making it hard to hold the small object steady as I leaned against the wall. Just as the blade touched my leg, I sensed the presence I'd been waiting for. Whirling, I found J'onn hovering behind me, his face blank.
I found I was holding the scalpel between us, and I'd automatically dropped into a fighting stance. "What do you want? Are you here to stop me?"
"No. I am here to witness."
That surprised me enough to break through the haze over my mind. "What?"
"I've been doing research. I do not believe I can or should stop you. But I do not wish you to be alone, either."
I took a step back, my mind awhirl. The pain was still beating at me from behind the shield of Batman, demanding an outlet, but the habits of a lifetime warred with it.
"Get out of my home," I snarled.
J'onn didn't deign to respond. He knew that so long as he remained in his intangible state, there was very little I could do to him. Of course, there was always the chance that I might take one of those other options, one of the ways I knew to incapacitate a telepath or a Martian, but I wasn't that far gone. Yet.
I stood in unfamiliar indecision--he could follow anywhere I might go, no material would stop him, and he was equally as stubborn as I. Sitting in midair like a green Buddha, J'onn made no move to influence me.
Inside my mind, I screamed. J'onn knew damn well the thing I hated most was others witnessing my weakness; he was wrong if he thought that would stop me. I reminded myself that when you can make your weakness a strength, you will always win.
I stood tall, my expression undoubtedly at its stoniest. "If you want to watch, then watch."
I didn't bother to turn away, switching the scalpel over to the left hand, bracing my right hand on the wall and slicing with the left. I held J'onn's gaze and he didn't move, just watched me.
As I felt the warmth flow down my leg, the screaming in my mind subsided. I wondered if J'onn heard it, since I couldn't be sure of my ability to block. My pulse slowed and I went to apply a bandage to my leg, refusing to limp as I walked.
When I was done, I looked up at J'onn, who didn't appear to have moved.
"Well, are you satisfied?" My voice and mind were quieter.
"No. Are you?" Now he held *my* gaze. I was fairly certain he wasn't reading my mind, but I concentrated on blankness.
"I'm fine."
"You are far from fine." J'onn hesitated. "Please, Bruce, the pain, let me--"
"Quiet!"
He closed his eyes for a moment. "You are hurting yourself."
I crossed my arms and glared. That was a statement so obvious as to be unworthy of a response. I wanted to walk away, but was certain he would follow until he'd finished whatever he wanted to say.
"Bruce, I am concerned."
"There is nothing wrong."
"That you appear to believe this means that I have missed far too many warning signs. We *all* have. We've grown too accustomed to allowing you your secrecy. We have failed you and I am sorry."
I was almost incoherent with the hatred that welled up. "Sorry? You...how dare you...Stay out of my mind!"
J'onn sighed, sounding almost human. "I will leave now. Please try to think about what I've said."
He stretched and slipped through the ceiling of the Cave, leaving me alone with uncomfortable thoughts and worse memories.
* * * * *
J'onn didn't appear every time I cut myself. Even *he* couldn't possibly monitor me all the time, I suppose. I hated the idea that he was waiting, watching for an emotional spike that must have been a beacon fire to a telepath of his capacity.
But he came often enough. It was the same each time: He'd watch, try to talk to me, not try to stop me. I wondered when he would finally give up and tell one of the others, how they would react.
I began to obsess over it.
* * * * *
Another midnight in Gotham, another grimy alley and abandoned warehouse, another set of clues leading me to a mass murderer.
This time, it was a trap. An obvious trap, so obvious Robin tried to convince me not to go, his voice cracking as he argued with me. I couldn't be bothered to listen to his arguments, and he followed me in.
The click of a detonator is unmistakable to anyone who has heard it before. Instinctively, we both dove out of the way, but not fast enough.
Everything was on fire, shrapnel falling in flaming sheets; I crouched over Robin, using my cape to shield us. Oracle shouted in my ear, but I was too busy staring at Robin unconscious, burned, bleeding.
Blood streamed onto his shoulder and it took long moments for me to realize it came from me, until I could hardly hold my cape over us. I could hear Nightwing yelling on the line, but the words couldn't beat back the encroaching darkness.
Then the pain was gone and I let go.
--continued in part 3--
