A/N: Who owns nothing? I own nothing.

WARNING: This chapter contains what we in the biz like to call extremely subtle sexual innuendoes. And, this chapter gets a bit saucy, but not the entertaining romance novel saucy, more like the feminist rant saucy. So, be prepared.

A/N 2: Again, to my favorite, and probably only, reader: take whatever you like, always. A/N 2 continued: Oh yeah, obscure reference note: in the movies, Sean Biggerstaff plays Oliver Wood. You can guess how funny I think this is. Oh yeah, so, I lied. There really isn't any character satire in here. It's basically just puns, but next week...

SUMMARY: The attempted abduction of Katie Bell, the saucy feminist Quiddich player, is riddled with problems. Least of which, is Oliver Wood.

Reviews, reviews the best brain food, the more I read, the more I...

Chapter 6: Katie Bell

Draco Malfoy and his minions—ah, hell--Draco Malfoy and his minions or goons or whatever you prefer strutted toward Pomegranate Pitch, their heads scanning back and forth, looking for suitable prey. Seas of wizards and witches attended the event. He thought that he could sort out at least a river and maybe a stream or two of exceptionally fine specimens. "Goyle, Crabbe, keep your eyes open for attractive silos in which I can sow my Death Eater oats," Draco commanded his minions or goons or whatever you prefer, in a menacing evil Death Eater Caribbean pirate kind of way.

Suddenly, Draco noticed an attractive Quiddich fan situated stilly by the stands. In a flash, Draco ordered Crabbe to nick the girl. Crabbe successfully secured the girl over his shoulder and waddled toward a particularly dense section of shrubbery. Draco waited patiently for his wife-to-be and considered what a great idea this had been. Draco surveyed several prospects and vowed to stay until he obtained a suitable wife.

Upon Crabbes arrival, Draco found that he recognized the girl; she had been on the Gryffindor Quiddich team. He remembered her as being quite saucy. "Aren't you...what is your name? You were a chaser for Gryffindor." Draco questioned.

"I know you, you, you, you cunning little trollop," the girl began while attempting to kick Crabbe. Draco reflected on being called a "trollop." It did have a nice ring to it, better than "harlot." Yet, he considered it quite strange that he was called a "trollop," but oddly arousing and only served to cement his notion of the girl's sauciness. "You're Draco Malfoy. And, what do you want with me," the girl continued.

"Hey, I ask the questions here, and I call people trollops not you, you trollop!" Draco attempted to affirm in very close to a menacing Death Eater growl. Draco reflected on his tone and decided that something good had come from his meeting with the Dark Lord, other than acquiring a pair of dark shaded green dragon skin trousers to better compliment the Sytherin Common Room couch. He had learned to growl more menacingly, and he thought the menacing Death Eater growl had sparked some amount of terror in the girl.

Things were looking up. He was going to finally terrorize and torture. This girl, whatever her name is, the trollop, would be his wife. Actually, deep down in places he didn't like to talk about, Draco liked the prospect of marriage with the saucy Gryffindor. Maybe, if he harassed her a bit, she would call him a trollop again.

"Girl, trollop, you should feel honored. I've chosen you to be my wife, trollop," Draco stated while poking the girl in the thigh with his wand.

"Oh for the love of Wizarding Wheezes, Malfoy. Your ego has expanded to the size of gigantic...Wood, how've you been?" the girl responded as she looked up and saw Oliver Wood in a clearing to the left of Malfoy.

"Katie, Katie Bell. Oi, it seems you're in a bit of a pickle. Need some help, there, do you?" Oliver Wood responded, charmingly. Just then, three girls gathered together behind Oliver Wood sighed, "Ah, he's so dreamy," in unison.

As Draco turned to see the body that belonged to the voice of Oliver Wood, he was surprised by the proximity of Wood. He looked to his left; Oliver wood stood directly along side Draco. In fact, he was so close that Draco could feel Wood against his leg.

"Do you mind," Draco began, "I'm trying to fulfill by duty to the Dark Lord and you're protruding, or no, interfering." Draco stated. He lost the menacing growl, and he actually sounded like he was pleading with Wood.

"Nope, I don't think I can do that, Malfoy. It looks like Katie needs a little assistance." The three girls behind Wood sighed, "Ah, he's so dreamy," in unison.

Draco could see that Wood was obviously prepared to stand hard and fast in is determination for the preservation of Katie's virginal situation.

"I'm not a virgin," Katie announced to no one in particular. Draco turned to her and poked her in the thigh, again, with his wand, while he spoke, "I knew you were a saucy little whore."

"Now, Malfoy, the Virgin or the Whore, right?" Katie began while sighing and drawing a great deal of breath. She continued with another sigh, "Do you know how sexist the word "whore" is? I mean, just because a girl understands her sexuality, enjoys sex and is unwilling to commit herself to marriage or a patriarchal idea of a relationship, she is a whore? Boys are expected to sow their oats, Death Eater or otherwise, but girls are expected to be responsible? Girls have every right to experiment sexually, to dress as they please and to dance on tables if they like. Am I easy? Maybe I am, but who says I am supposed to play hard to get? I know what I want, I know who I am and I have power and control. I wont allow your social constrictions to rule my behavior or life. I do not live in your gender binary construct. If that makes me a whore, then I am a whore. And, I wear the label proudly."

Draco stared at Katie in awe. Yes, he definitely wanted to be called a trollop by her again. In fact, he wanted to do more than be called a "trollop." Draco admired her sense of self. "Maybe," he thought, "we can be happy together, if Wood would just disappear."

"Could you push off or something," Draco turned to Wood. Wood, apparently, had the same thought, as he stared with his mouth slightly open at Katie.

"Katie, I never knew that about you. I like it, I like that you know who you are. We should go out sometime," Wood spoke directly at Katie while totally ignoring Draco. The three girls behind Wood sighed, "Ah, he's so dreamy," in unison.

"Sure, Wood. If you could just kick this big boor or something, I can handle the rest," Katie responded.

"Excuse me. This is nice and all, but Katie, no the trollop I mean, is going to marry me," Draco interjected. He clearly had enough of Wood. Draco considered the situation and decided that leaving a witness would be a bad thing. He turned to Goyle and stated, "Nick Wood, too." All four of the boys cringed at the thought. "Never mind, I'll take care of him," Draco revised.

But, before Draco could raise his wand to Wood, Wood disappeared. "Has anyone seen Wood?" Draco asked the remaining six persons present. "I have," Katie responded. Just then, Draco felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find Wood.

"You'll have to do better than that, Malfoy," Wood laughed. The three girls behind Wood sighed, "Ah, he's so dreamy," in unison. Goyle, to everyone's surprise, jumped toward Wood, gripped him hard and proudly announced, "I've got Wood." Katie giggled and Draco smirked.

"What's so funny?" Wood asked. "It's not like my last name is Biggerstaff." The three girls behind Wood sighed, "Ah, he's so dreamy," in unison.

"That's true," Draco said and everyone nodded, including the three girls, in agreement. Then, without much struggle, Wood broke free from Goyle's grip. He turned to Draco and pointed his wand at Draco's nose.

"Let her go," Wood stated. The three girls—"and will you lot get lost?" Wood shouted at the three girls behind him. "Ah, he's so dreamy," they whispered as they walked away.

Draco turned to Crabbe, "Just drop her." Draco desperately wanted to fight for the trollop. He wanted this trollop, but that scared him, and frankly, Wood is quite dashing. She seemed a little adventurous and said herself that she was easy, damn Wood. But, how could he torture someone who he liked, someone who would call him trollop and probably bite him while breeding Death Eaters. Still, Katie's power and control intimidated him, sexist. "That was good, Wood!" Katie screamed breathlessly as Crabbe let her fall to the ground. Wood rushed to her side.

"You deserve each other, dramatic show-offs. Have fun with Wood," Draco stated as he stormed off.

"Oh, I will, trollop" Draco heard Katie respond. His heart ached for a moment. Being called "trollop" was just as good, well almost he imagined, as being bitten.

"Well," he thought as he walked back toward the pitch, "I liked her, and we would have no problem breeding Death Eaters if it wasn't for Wood." The oddity of the statement escaped Draco as he walked along sulkily. He was starting to lose his sense of menace, his wit and his cutting comebacks. The incident with the Dark Lord and then this incident with Wood really affected his confidence.

He really had been through quite a lot, what with the abductions and the Dark Lord and Wood and all. He considered just returning to Hogwarts and admitting defeat. He could marry Parkinson and still torture her. But, was torture what he really wanted? He knew he wanted to be bitten and now, to be called a trollop, but did he want to torture? Plus, he began to rationalize; he still had years of muggle and mudblood torture ahead of him. This was just turning out to be more trouble than it was worth. He decided to return to Hogwarts and give up trying to be bitten. So, with his head down, in quite defeat, he returned to his quest in the Halls of Hogwarts.