Perfect Sacrifice ~hotsleekeyz~

Chapter 1

Disguise

MP3 song of choice : My Immortal by Evanescence [from after the journal entry onwards]

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***March 29

"Subtle Hysteric : Dulce et Decorum est Pro Amor Mori"

You. . . A creature who unintentionally devoured my senses dry of my own emotions. . . A human who's culpable of my depleted ego. . . A person who molded sense out of obscurity. . .

I hate you. . . my entity filled with your sarcasm and ignorance purges the life out of my life. I was deprived of an identity that you shattered into smithereens. The contradiction of your emotions with mine is too vivid to reject knowing because you faced me with this reality, yet I accept by will without regard to reason.

Because it's you. . . years built the link between us two. Your paradoxical notion towards life, living it halfway, and immortality, bonded two worlds together---yours and mine.

Do I complain in satiety? I don't. It's because I don't complain at all.

It's because you're my companion, intimate friend, and associate. Six years of absorption of each other made me convulse inside, agitating in the time lest I might not be able to contain our friendship much longer. We've gone through a labyrinthine road of ups and downs, though I reckoned we take it nice and slow. But we didn't. You're still beside me, not desiring to leave me alone.

One fateful day came a sudden squall and I was caught unattended. You liked me. . .you wanted me, more of me. . . more than being friends. For I was demented to think I was right, I went away. I avoided you by all ways and means I could. I felt so violated. I never expected you to feel that way towards me.

But was I really violated? Did you break my private barriers and stepped into my territory without my consent? In the first place, did I build any wall around me to secure myself from anything that could cause me to fall into a fit of paranoia? Did I? Is this life, identity, or whatever scholars would call it, mine? Do I own what you wanted from me?

I felt saturated of keeping myself out of your sight, shunning a shady past behind. At first I thought lies clouded that past---that it was engulfed into a lake of illusion and fiendish intentions. And I was wrong. Who cares for I am always wrong!

And now, it makes me suffer in unspoken words. . . My friend, a profession I must make without due restraint. The passion flooding through my being could not be held back much longer.

I love you. Though I reckon you would not understand, and never comprehend, I still insist that I not let go of this feeling.

This love is your frustration. This love is what you long beg prayed for. This love was never there when you were willingly offering it to me. This odious love was what you deserved, long, long before. It's only now it's revealed itself. . . and now is too late. Too late that it could take eternity for me to walk pass by it again.

But would you ever love me again the same way you did?

Oh no. . . please don't. I'm not worthy. If it couldn't equal this affection just never let it be. . .

My vow of love will never be broken. My vow of love will stand against the mightiest tempest. . .

I will live in remorseful narcosis, still in deliverance of my foolish pride into an abyss of distress, in submission of my gnarled quiescent of a once-abasing truth. . .

You loved me when I didn't, now I love you when you don't.

If demeaning me with all foul words and cuss can suffice this absurdity, take it all on me. I would most gladly accept. Just don't tell me you can't love me back anymore. You will only bring me into a misleading hallucination that will push me to try what we long wanted to do. . . Die. . .

Die in your arms. . . Die from your hands that I long wanted to be stained with your warm blood. It would be an honour, whichever way you see it, because we compromised with each other that we will die. . .Die together.

But it's such a shame. This one truth of my love for you has been forever concealed. . . and still I have not a plan of telling you. I'm a barren purpose that has met the deadline. . .

My friend, my love, I'm dying. Could I just wish my last? Wish that before I leave, I could hear your usual harsh, tactless words telling me otherwise that you loved me, and that you never stopped?. . .

Point taken? Cease to expect possibility.

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Hermione shut close her diary after the last mark she did that day. Harry, Ron, and Ginny were eagerly taking in some space in their tummies. She stared wearily at the food in front of her and slumped her back even more as she stared blankly at the table.

"Are you alright Mione?" asked Ginny in a gentle voice.

Hermione slowly looked up to Ginny and gave her a faint smile. "Reckon so. I don't feel like eating anything tonight". She resumed to bowing her head back down as Harry took an arm over her shoulder.

"Want to talk about it? You don't look too good. You're pale and sickly", Harry said, with his emerald eyes wandering curiously through Hermione's.

"I reckon not Harry. Pardon me but if by chance I do have a problem right now, I'd manage it myself. Thanks for the offer anyway."

"---Then you do have a problem! . . .I didn't mention anything about it and you just did." Harry appeared as if he was right again in a question in Potions given by Snape...which was least likely to happen.

Slightly irritated, Hermione said controllably, "Harry, I think this is not the right time to talk about it. Maybe soon. . ."

"Uh, well okay. If you say so." Harry simply shrugged and went back to eating.

Harry was spooning down some chow when Draco walk past the Gryffindor table and glared intently at Hermione. Hermione, on the other hand, was ogling at the table and didn't see who just passed by her, apparently caused by the disturbing entry she had just written.

Draco stopped at once and stood majestically behind Hermione. The students started to look towards their direction, a number whispering to each other, with some trying to finish their food at once just in case anything happens again between Harry's company and Draco's cronies.

The white blonde-haired Slytherin Quidditch Captain put a firm hand over Hermione's numb shoulder when Ron suddenly revolted from his seat and spat furiously, "Hey! Don't touch her Malfoy!" Ron's face matched the red of his hair.

Draco smirked at Ron's defensive stance and shrugged the presence of the Redhead off. "Granger, are you alright?", Draco asked in a rather nonchalant voice. . . which was loads better than having a hint of malice in it.

Hermione woke from her trance by Draco's touch. "Who do you think you are to ask me that?", Hermione spat at once.

"Well I'm Draco Malfoy, if you weren't informed", Draco replied as he took his hand off. Ginny watched Draco from her seat, trying to convince herself there was nothing else than disgust in Draco's voice.

Harry stood as well and he managed to push Draco roughly---who was around three, four inches taller than he was. "Get away from her Malfoy, or I'll--- "

Draco saw the anger steaming inside Harry but he thought nothing of touching a spot more on Harry. He wasn't his goal for that day. . . It was Hermione. "You'll what?" Draco threatened with an evil smirk. "You can't do anything foolish on me whilst I'm on school grounds. . ." Draco sighed then resumed to looking at Hermione. "Err, Granger, I'd really like to know what's bothering you."

Hermione glared behind her, at Draco, and snapped, "You wouldn't care about me! I'm the mudblood of your sickening existence and you have not a right to go meddling in my affairs. If you'll excuse me, I want to be left alone". Hermione with great loathing, stood as well and started to scamper away without a thought that she left her things behind. . .

"Granger, come back here!", Draco yelled as he tried to keep pace with Hermione's strides. Ron was about to go after them but Ginny held him back. "No brother. Let them be", Ginny said.

Ron glared at his sister as if she was some lunatic. "WHAT? You want me to let Malfoy go after her? What if he does something?"

"Well Ron, it's not for you to decide whether or not Hermione would talk to him or not. Besides, they're enemies. It's just like that", replied Ginny rather calmly.

"JUST-LIKE-THAT? Ginny, enemies aren't SUPPOSED to be checking on each other like THAT!" Ron yelled as he turned a deep shade of red.

"No arguments here but I'd rather you stay." Ginny took a sip of her pumpkin juice as he glanced over the rim of her goblet to see if Ron was staying or what.

Ron slumped back to his seat, with his lips pouting like a little child, witnessing Harry going over Hermione's diary.

Harry was so keen into reading when Ginny tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to jolt from where he sat.

"Err, Harry, I suppose you shouldn't be reading THAT", reminded Ginny as she pointed to Hermione's diary that was resting above the table.

Harry gave her a confused look. "I know Gin. . . but---but, the problem Hermione has right now is him. . .", muttered Harry as his voice faltered.

"Who?", Ron asked stupidly, still worrying what could happen to his best friend and love interest in case Draco did really run after her.

"N-nothing. . .it's just--- strange", Harry mumbled to himself, almost not audible to anyone else on the table.

Ginny knew what Harry was talking about and only Ron was caught unaware.

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"Granger, wait up!" Draco ran faster to keep up with Hermione.

"Could you just leave me alone?", Hermione spat, her blood rising to the temples of her already-flushed cheeks.

"No", replied Draco simply. He had just put himself to a stop.

Hermione stopped at once and turned her face at him. "You almost revealed our secret friendship back at the hall! What were you thinking?!"

Draco didn't change the expression on his face. It was still rather blank. "I was thinking about you, actually."

Hermione stomped her foot against the floor rather childishly while her knuckles met the side of her hips. "You should've asked me after dinner when I'm alone!"

"But I couldn't help it seeing you like that!" Draco's arms suddenly flailed around in his suppressed rage.

Hermione's eyes had turned to slits and she as already pale in seething anger. Her hands were trembling and her teeth were almost chattering. Involuntarily, a firm finger pointed towards Draco, as she tried to make her point. "WELL, you'd better condition yourself seeing me like this because from this moment on, I'll be like this!"

Draco tried to come nearer only to be stopped by Hermione's palm up against him in midair. "For what reason? Hermione Granger, I couldn't fathom your complex mind!", said Draco in defense, eyes wide in shock of such behavior.

"So can't I." Hermione said simply. She turned her heels to the opposite direction and started to run for it again. . . her tears that welled up in her eyes escaped the constraints of her strained brown orbs. . .

. . . and Draco knew well it wasn't the right time for them to talk, that he went back to his dormitory without going back to the Great Hall for Crabbe and Goyle.

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Hermione sunk herself beside her bed silently, wanting to drown herself in the disturbing silence. Her heart beat and irregular rhythm, too bizarre for her other systems to comprehend. . . hands were clammy and cold. . . eyes shut in remorse---in utmost emotional pain. . . of mental strain. . . of a love forbidden. . .

//Oh Draco. . . you shouldn't know about this!. . . This is not right! I can't love you now, or ever. It's going to destroy us both! You have already shunned your memories of loving and you aren't willing to meddle with it again. What if I told you that I love you? I can't imagine how life would be if I did tell you that I love you. . . no, it can't be. . . I can't tell you. . .

Oh Merlin! Help me! He's my friend, don't make me lose him right now! I need him. . . I need him too damn much. . . he is the only one I could talk about this yet he is the one I am talking about. . . no, kill me now. . . not like this. This is all too confusing. . .It's too painful to bear . . .//

With one deep breath, eyes still shut, her body failed her and she fell onto the floor like an old ragged doll---unconscious . . .

~Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns characters, setting, etc. Except: the plot is mine.~

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Here is the edited version. I find this much better than the first. I'll go to the next chapter and edit! Yay!

***For now, tulaloo! (and oh, as usual, READ AND REVIEW!)Ü