Optimal Balance
Chapter 5/?
By: Lazuli
Surprise, another chapter. The plot is moving right along--*glances at notes and grimaces* Although it's deviated from my original intentions, I like this version much better. Actually has a plot. I hope that you're all enjoying this, I know I'm having fun writing it and seeing how it develops. Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me, but I do take credit for this story. Please enjoy!
Hisoka frowned to himself as he followed Tsuzuki through the streets, navigating through the crowd with ease. He hated the feeling of so many minds pressing down on at him, but it helped that they didn't realize he was really there. It was like they would consciously avoid him, but without the realization that he was actually beside them. It was rather disconcerting.
They had been in the area for what seemed like forever before they finally hit on a lead. So that's what they were doing—making haste through the streets of Fukuoka, hoping to catch the demon creature before it did any more damage. And ultimately hoping to save those souls that were already captured.
He was about to question Tsuzuki whether or not the demon seemed closed—he didn't have any experience in these matters, when he practically fell to the ground, the darker presence stretching across his senses with an almost painful intensity. His vision wavered for a moment as he struggled to find that spark of himself in the darkness. He never felt anything like it before.
"Tsu…Tsuzuki…" He managed to get out, the older man immediately beside him, eyes staring into his, the concern a welcome relief against the darkness that sat outside the edge of his senses. "It's…close."
Tsuzuki immediately straightened up, one hand supporting Hisoka as he looked around, gaze sharp. "Do you know where it's coming from?" He asked quietly. If the creature was anywhere remotely close, he didn't want to take the chance that they would be overheard, but if it was as clever as it had shown to be before, it could very possibly sense their presence.
Frowning, Hisoka concentrated on the source of that perverted pleasure, the sick enjoyment in the slow pain that was being inflicted on some soul. He attempted to stand on his own, determined to not lean on anyone's strength but his own. It was hard, but he finally managed to feel the source of the power, but he pulled away just as he found it, face paling at the enormity of what he felt. He managed to point out the general direction, mind still dazed from the contact.
Tsuzuki's gaze grew sharp, and he seemed to come to some type of conclusion. He gently pulled Hisoka to the side. "You stay here." He said firmly, eyes completely serious. "I don't want you getting hurt, and I'm positive that I can handle this on my own."
Hisoka opened his mouth to protest. The thing was too strong for someone like Tsuzuki to handle alone. Tsuzuki stopped him before he could voice his anger at the suggestion, brown hair falling into his eyes as he shook his head.
"I know you don't like it, Hisoka—but I'm not going to risk you when I've just got you back with me." The stubborn look on his face was almost a match for Hisoka's own, but Hisoka had a sinking feeling that he was going to be outclassed. He couldn't exactly compete with seventy plus years of practice at being stubborn. Or eyes that could rival a beaten puppy for pleading.
While he was still trying to think of suitable, brain trying to override a pleading that he didn't know could be possible in a human being, Tsuzuki vanished—even from his sight. But he can't hide from my empathy. He growled to himself. Or that damnable presence from our 'case.'
So even though the strength of the distorted emotions, every sense of his screaming out how wrong it was, he moved ahead, following the pain like a signal. He wondered vaguely how Tsuzuki got so far ahead of him, when he realized he was already there. They were in what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse, but Hisoka felt the faint tinge of 'Tsuzuki' magic around it, and he wondered just what the illusion covered. He swallowed and ducked back in time so he wouldn't be seen, but the demon seemed to have all of her attention focused on Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki was grim faced, anger radiating off of him as he faced the demon. It was something he didn't know that the man could really feel—and he was rather surprised to be feeling his emotions so clearly. He possessed seriousness and self-confidence that previously Hisoka wouldn't have thought him capable of. Not that I know him that well. He reminded himself, eyes trained on the scene, mind working out a way to help matters.
The demon almost glided towards Tsuzuki, brushing long fingers down his cheek. "Such a soul." It murmured in delight. "Normally I go for the younger ones—but yours…" Its voice was almost seductive, but the undertones grated across Hisoka's senses painfully.
It went on, circling Tsuzuki, who didn't relax his stance, eyes watching the creature warily. "I could make you a deal, shinigami. I know what you're after—and I'll make a deal with you. If I returned all these souls, would you give me yours in return?" It gestured and gave Tsuzuki a knowing smile. "It would be a shame if anything else happened, wouldn't it?"
Horrified, Hisoka realized that the source of the pain, the terror, was stronger than ever and something that looked like a writhing mass of…something, appeared behind the demon. It was the trapped souls—he felt like he was going to be sick at the sight of it all. It shook him to see that something like that could be done to your soul, that what always seemed eternal was in danger of being annihilated, tortured—mutilated or scarred beyond comprehension.
And what made it worse, it seemed that Tsuzuki was actually considering the offer, violet eyes narrowed in thought. Hisoka could practically see the wheels turning in the man's head—weighing his worth against so many trapped souls. No, you idiot! He wanted to yell. You can't do something like that!
There was an intense pause, one that Hisoka felt went on too long, about to interfere, about to do something that would at least make something of a difference; something to make sure Tsuzuki didn't make a fatal mistake.
Finally shaking his head in negation, all of his contemplation of the matter gone. "I don't think so." He murmured softly. "My soul wouldn't be good for your little feasting." His eyes hardened. "Now, free those souls before you really piss me off."
"I don't think so, sweetie." The demon moved swiftly, dark magic restraining Tsuzuki before he could move to counteract it. "That was a one time offer—and a one way offer as well. I get you—the souls go free. I don't get you, I get to keep the souls and most likely keep you captive while you watch me devour them." The smile was anything but pleasant. "Now, have you changed your mind at all? Just think—I could let you go after I eat the souls, letting you live with the fact that you could have saved them. After all, what is your soul weighed against all these innocents?"
Hisoka didn't know exactly what was going on with the demon's particular mental attack, but he saw too clearly the effect that it was having on Tsuzuki. The man was visibly wilting, and he caught waves of self-loathing, and a strong belief in the demon's words. He wavered, and Hisoka knew that he had to risk all to save him. He didn't bother examining his reasoning, he just reacted.
Throwing himself at the creature, he managed to offset its concentration enough where Tsuzuki was able to break free, panting slightly. Staring blankly for a moment, he didn't seem to realize right away that he was free, but Hisoka didn't have time to fix the wrongs in Tsuzuki's head—he needed the man's strength now, he wasn't able to battle the demon alone.
"Tsuzuki—do something!" He demanded, face twisted in pain as the demon managed to get the upper hand and pinned him to the ground, claws trying to slice through him. Its face was dark with fury, eyes smoldering.
"How dare you interfere!" It hissed out. "You are not part of my plans." Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that Tsuzuki had some type of trick up his sleeve to counteract the demon. He vaguely heard Tsuzuki murmuring, power building up at a rapid rate until the very air seemed to shimmer with it. Hisoka barely had enough time to send a quick thank you for Tsuzuki shaking off his daze long enough to do something when he was blown backwards by a scorching wind, crashing into the wall. He was quite out of the way of the demon and the battle that was taking place.
His unfocused gaze watched as something that resembled a phoenix hovered over the demon, fury written on the 'face', screeching out her anger. Tsuzuki's eyes were half closed in concentration, but he made another gesture, eyes opening and focusing on the firebird. "Burn." He whispered. It was over so quickly at that point, that Hisoka wondered just why the hell that Tsuzuki didn't do that from the beginning.
He wasn't able to demand that question of the older man, though. Before he could do much more than stagger towards Tsuzuki, the floor seemed to lurch underneath his feet and he only registered Tsuzuki's guilt and concern before he fell into blissful unconsciousness.
~
"Just what were you thinking, Tsuzuki?" A harsh voice demanded. "You barely—and I stress barely managed to save those souls with this case—involving a shikigami in such a public area—do you know the memory distortions that we're going to have to do for this? Do you know how many people saw those fireworks that you so obligingly showed off?"
Hisoka groaned and struggled to open his eyes. The room was slightly unfocused for a moment, and uncomfortably bright. He gave his eyes a moment to adjust, looking around. He was in the infirmary, and he wondered just how he got there—
"But Tatsumi—I did save them. I couldn't do anything else but call Suzaku. The creature was going to eat those souls—and…" He swallowed. "It hurt Hisoka, too—because…"
"That's another thing!" The secretary shouted. "You put your partner in danger! I don't care about your excuses about him getting in the way or you trying to dissuade him from coming with you. You shouldn't have left him alone. What if it had been a trap?"
Hisoka frowned at the lecture, feeling vaguely wrong that Tsuzuki was getting so berated when he didn't really deserve the lecture. Well, he does deserve some of it. He mentally conceded.
"Stop yelling at Tsuzuki." He said irritably. Only I'm allowed to do that. He ignored that thought and tried to sit up without hurting himself. "He did want he obviously thought was best, even I figured out that he'll rarely think with his head if someone's in danger." He snorted. "That man is pure emotion sometimes."
All heads turned towards him at the sound of his voice, Watari rushing over to his side immediately, shaking his head over Hisoka's condition. "You're awake!" He said in relief, eyes losing some of the worry as he examined Hisoka. "We didn't think you would for awhile—you were healing with the speed of a mortal for some reason and it's rather distressing."
Hisoka blinked at that implication, and seized upon it. Here was his chance to go home. Somehow that thought wasn't as desperate as before, but he was too stubborn to give it up completely. "Maybe you have the wrong person." He suggested. "Maybe I just look like the Hisoka you knew." His own mind was taunting him at the ridiculousness of the statement.
"Nice try, Bon. But I said you were. It was only before you just woke up that you resumed the normal speed of a shinigami. Good thing, too." He frowned. "You had some rather nasty wounds and the only thing I can surmise about that slow healing was that some part of you thought like a mortal, and let your body heal accordingly to that."
Tsuzuki frowned at the both of them, pouting a little. "Hisoka's so mean!" He protested. "I thought plenty for that case—I don't treat them like they're nothing, Hisoka." His eyes flicked up to Tatsumi for a moment. "I just get involved, that's all. I don't let it overrule everything."
"You—you almost let that creature eat you!" Hisoka said incredulously, the pain receding the more his head cleared. "It said something to you that made you crumple—I thought that you were going to give in."
Tsuzuki avoided his gaze, finding the view out the window infinitely more fascinating than Hisoka's penetrating look. "But thank to you, I didn't." He said calmly. He let his gaze move back briefly to give Hisoka a warm smile before it switched again. "That's what partners are for. They back each other up like that, help save them when they get into stupid situations like I did."
Hisoka snorted, disbelieving. "Why am I not overly convinced that even with someone to watch over you, that you still managed to get into situations like that." He raised an eyebrow, daring Tsuzuki to refute his accusation.
"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki whined. "That's not fair!" He sat up straighter, eyes filling with tears. "I'm just trying to tell you how often we were there for each other—I wasn't always messing up." He muttered rebelliously, face set in a pout that rivaled a small child's.
Tatsumi sighed, rolling his eyes at the change in attitude. "You're not getting any type of bonus because of this, you realize." He said finally. Tsuzuki's eyes went wide and his eyes seemed to get bigger and more pathetic looking. "In fact, I'm thinking about docking your pay for the carelessness you displayed. You can't be so reckless, Tsuzuki."
He wasn't just frustrated for financial reasons—although that did figure in a great deal—but he was frustrated over the lack of concern Tsuzuki still seemed to hold for himself. He thought that there was a chance of that changing when Hisoka came back, but something had to have happened to set him off again.
"Tsuzuki, we will discuss this at length later, once you have finished filling out your reports on what transpired. I expect the full details by the end of the day today." He pushed up his glasses with one finger. "No excuses." He handed Tsuzuki a large folder and a pen, a small smile on his face.
Paperwork, why shouldn't I be surprised? Hisoka thought, shaking his head. I guess Tsuzuki's comment about being a detective wasn't too far off the mark. It seems that we do everything a 'mortal' detective force would do, with a few exceptions. Next they'll be telling me there's coffee and donuts in the break room.
"Oh, and Hisoka—once you feel up to it, I want to see your report on this as well." Tatsumi gave him a daunting look, and Hisoka blinked at it, startled for a moment. "There is a desk for you in the main office, and I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable."
Hisoka nodded hesitantly, looking over the folder that was the twin to Tsuzuki's. It seemed that they were already fitting him right into the environment, not thinking that he was still needing to adjust. They already saw him as a working part of the office. Which I have been to the rest of them. He looked down at the folder again and sighed. It shouldn't be too hard. But not exactly what I thought my afterlife would be like.
~
The next few days passed by uneventfully, no cases coming up in their district. Tatsumi remarked at one point that KyuShu was the throwaway sector, the bottom of the line for a shinigami. "Nothing happens in KyuShu that often, Kurosaki-san, but when it does, it's rather… spectacular."
Hisoka pondered on that as he moved through the office, people greeting him cheerfully as he went by, calling him by name as if they were old friends. Which they are. That was still hard to accept at times. His mind was still a blank as to how he fit in here. Even with working on that case with Tsuzuki—finishing the man's paperwork just to save him the headache of another whining session—he still didn't quite fit in. There was too much unsaid, too much that he forgot.
The mystery of how he forgot everything was still unsolved. He lived a different lifestyle than the one he was used to. People treated him differently. There was no mocking, no cringing or running from him. They spoke to him like they had regular conversations with him before, as if he hadn't always been closed off. He kept people away from him for several reasons, and it baffled him to see the actions of other people contradicting that.
He moved outside, nothing really pressing keeping him in the office. Tsuzuki was off somewhere—he didn't remember where he said he had to go, only that it was important and for Hisoka not to worry. Hisoka had only rolled his eyes, saying that he wasn't his nursemaid, and was quite sure that the man could take care of himself. But still—he felt like it was important to reassure Tsuzuki that he wouldn't mind, that it would ease some part of Tsuzuki's mind. He's been quiet ever since that case.
Pausing in the sakura grove, he let his thoughts turn to that, on how he saw people now, how different it had obviously been with Tsuzuki. And he couldn't figure out why.
I never get close to people, because I don't want to get hurt. I hurt people because they'll hurt me eventually. I can always feel what their intentions are, their loathing and their mockery of me—but it's so different here. He stared up at the branches of a tree, recalling that was how he first spotted Tsuzuki spying on the school.
He wondered vaguely what would have happened if he never confronted Tsuzuki on that matter, then shrugged it off. It happened, and there wasn't anything he was able to do to change it. He was dead—that was an irrevocable fact. It would have eventually come back to his point, anyway. He did still wonder what ever made him leave in the first place, what caused him to forget. And if I can't remember on my own, it's time that I started asking questions.
~
The first person he decided to corner was Watari. Not out of any real preference, just the fact that the scientist seemed less busy than anyone else, except for the fact that he was locked in his lab, smoke drifting out from behind the door. He opened it readily enough to Hisoka, though, practically beaming at him. Hisoka was seriously reconsidering this visit, ready to make up an excuse to get him out, but Watari took the choice right out of his hands.
"Bon! What a pleasant surprise." He moved papers and a few books from a chair that looked like it had seemed too many explosions, creaking ominously as Hisoka sat down. The lab/office was just as disorganized as it was before, papers falling off the table, something that looked like pond liquid sitting in a beaker on a smoking Bunsen burner.
"I…I wanted to talk." Hisoka's brows drew in as he warily eyed the concoction, apprehensive of getting to close to over-heated glass. "Isn't that dangerous?" He felt obliged to point out, as much for his safety as Watari's. "I don't think that it should be smoking like that."
Watari's attention shifted from his and he gasped, grabbing an equally ancient pair of tongs and lifted the beaker, waving one hand at the smoke. "Ugh, I really need to get some of that new stuff that they're using in Chijou." He grimaced at the burner. "Tatsumi's too tightfisted with expenses to lend me just a little more than my normal spending limit." Giving a dramatic sigh, he poured the contents of the beaker into another container. "No one has respect for science anymore."
Hisoka cleared his throat and tried to look interested, but he needed to have answers. "Watari—" He cleared his throat. "I wanted to ask you a few questions about…about me." At Watari's confused look, he clarified his meaning. "About how I was like before."
Watari blinked, setting aside his experiment for the moment, giving Hisoka a thoughtful look. "Pretty much the same way you are now, Bon. Maybe a little more open than you are now—but when you first came to us, you weren't exactly social." He smiled faintly. "But it wasn't as if you were completely different, Bon. You can't change your inherent nature."
Hisoka gave a nearly inaudible sigh of relief. He was afraid that he was going to be told that he was open and cheerful—something that he couldn't imagine being. He rather liked his solitude, and never had much cause to really smile, much less be the cheerful creature that Tsuzuki or Watari seemed to be.
"But people look at me sometimes like they expect me to be acting different." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't like showing my emotions." He said stiffly. "Yet whenever I'm around Tsuzuki or Wakaba-chan, they look at me like they expect me to smile or do something else…I don't know what they expect."
Watari took off his glasses for a moment, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Much of that has to do with Tsuzuki, Bon—not just you. You already know that you were partners, you were the only partner to stick with him for so long." Putting his glasses back on, he gave Hisoka a direct look. "Tsuzuki has been working here for the last seventy plus years, he's been alive since nineteen hundred, and in all that time, no one has wanted to really keep him." He paused. "You were the only one, Hisoka. So of course people expect you to be more open around Tsuzuki, because that's the way it was. But don't force yourself, Bon."
Hisoka digested that thought, brows drawing in. "So how did I act around him?" He questioned after a few moments. "I mean, I hardly see him now—no matter that we're partners or not. He looks in on me to make sure I'm doing fine, then rushes off to some other task. You would think that he's trying to avoid me for some reason."
Watari winced. "All too accurate, Bon. Tsuzuki's just…strange sometimes and it hurts him after cases like the one he just did. Usually he creeps off to be alone—well—he used to. More recently he'd talk to you—" Another faint smile appeared. "You were very good for him, you know. You managed to convince that stubborn idiot that not everything that went wrong was because of an error he made."
"So why is he avoiding me now?" Hisoka demanded. He didn't quite believe that anyone would confide in him, that someone would find his words or his presence comforting. In a way, it was something that he and Tsuzuki had in common. No one wanted either of them.
"It's because you don't know him." Watari said simply. "He's afraid to confide his problems to you, doesn't want to burden you with anything. He knows that he's treading on thin ice around you, and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. It took almost three years for Tsuzuki to open up like that." His eyes were shadowed slightly. "Certain…events…helped that along."
"Events?" Now this sounded promising, something that offered information about what he was missing on his past. But Watari's emotions are really strange on this. He's apprehensive, sad—angry…I want to know but…
"Ah…I'm sure that it's something that Tsuzuki can tell you much better. After all, only the two of you knows exactly what went on at that time…I certainly wasn't privy to the conversation, just what happened beforehand." Before Hisoka could ask what that was, Watari held up a hand. "And it's not something that needs to be discussed right now. It wouldn't be anything that you'd be ready to accept, Hisoka." He smiled gently at him. "Trust me in this—wait until you're able to open up more, especially with Tsuzuki. That way when he tells you, you'll be able to understand."
Hisoka frowned, irritated at the way his question was being brushed off, and about to demand for Watari to give him more than just bits of information. "Can you tell me other things?" He asked grudgingly. "If I can't remember anything, maybe if you pass along some information, it will trigger something."
Watari looked thoughtful at that, tilting his head to the side. "Ask Tsuzuki." He said finally. "He knows you best, Hisoka. And whether or not you remember it, you know him best. Just act on your instincts, that's all I can say for right now." He grinned and ruffled Hisoka's hair. "And if the stubborn idiot doesn't cough up some information, I have the perfect potion…" His eyes gleamed as he turned them on Hisoka. "Or you could try it, Bon." Hisoka suddenly remembered Tsuzuki's warning not to take anything that was offered to him.
"Um…I'll talk to Tsuzuki." He said hurriedly, getting out of the chair, backing away to the door. "Thanks for what you told me, Watari. I think I should go see Tatsumi now in case he has something for me." He edged out of the office, ignoring Watari's protests that it was perfectly harmless, and nothing really bad would come of it. Well, nothing that wouldn't heal in time if things happened to go wrong.
Hisoka shut the lab door carefully behind him, shaking his head in frustration. He got some answers for what he asked, but it raised a whole new pile of questions in return, one that he would have to ask his elusive partner for. And that was the one person he wasn't sure how to act around, because he couldn't read him. The one that he felt like he should trust, but he didn't have the memories to back up that trust. I think this is going to be more difficult than I thought.
He almost wished for a case so he could see Tsuzuki and know just where he was and what he thought—but then again, the Tsuzuki that worked on cases didn't seem to be the same Tsuzuki that he met in the park. That Tsuzuki was even different from the Tsuzuki in the office, and he wondered just what the real one was like, or if the true personality was hidden under so many layers that not even Tsuzuki knew what was inherently he.
Wait…wouldn't Tsuzuki have a place to live when he wasn't at the office or working in Chijou? After all, Hisoka had his own place, it stood to reason that the older employee would have just such a place as well. He smiled to himself, and saw his chance to corner Tsuzuki and get the answers he needed.
