Optimal Balance
Chapter 6/?
PG-13
Lazuli
Hisoka/Tsuzuki (not yet)
The only problem in going to Tsuzuki's home was finding out where it was. He certainly didn't remember where the man lived, and he had been too concerned about getting away from Watari to ask him any questions. He finally decided on Tatsumi. After all, the intimidating secretary kept tabs on everyone, and there seemed to be some type of close friendship between those two. Even if nothing was really said out loud, the emotions were thick enough to read.
He met up with him in the break room, as the other man was getting a mug of coffee. He was suddenly unsure of the whole thing. Watari didn't seem to intent on giving him a great deal of information, who was to say that Tatsumi would provide him with anymore, especially with something so private as to where Tsuzuki lived? Tatsumi surprised him, though.
"You do not remember where Tsuzuki-san lives?" Tatsumi regarded Hisoka carefully, pushing up the lenses of his glasses with one finger, holding a mug of coffee with the other hand. "I shouldn't be surprised—but if you're that eager to talk to Tsuzuki-san, Kurosaki-san—" His voice trailed off for a moment as he set the cup down and retrieved a scrap of paper and a pen, writing down something quickly, handing it to Hisoka. "Here is his address, I trust that you will be able to find it."
Hisoka nodded slowly, frowning a little as he read the careful instructions. It gave a general direction to start out in—strange, it was opposite from his own house, and far enough away from the main building. He gave his thanks, hesitating only for a moment. Tatsumi simply nodded, giving him a faint smile. "You're good for our Tsuzuki-san." He said calmly. "I hope that you continue to be so."
~
Hisoka paused in front of the set of apartments, slightly unsure if he should go on or not. Maybe it was too soon to be confronting Tsuzuki on home territory. He had rather shooed the man away the other day, making it clear that he didn't want to talk. But now—he wanted to talk. Everyone kept saying that Tsuzuki knew him best, and he was getting increasingly annoyed at the now obvious gaps in his memories.
Part of him still didn't want to know—it would be so much easier to just ignore that he 'lived' here for the past three years. It would be so much easier to pretend that he was here fresh, that the person he was before never existed. To start out on a clean slate, as it were. It was a pity that everyone else knew him, though. That they expected him to know certain things, for him to have a certain working knowledge of how it was up here, of who people were. And to keep on coming up blank made him feel inferior. He hated that feeling.
The choice was taken out of his hands, when an older lady stepped out of the main entrance of the apartment buildings, her eyes lighting up when she saw Hisoka. "Hisoka-san! I haven't seen you for quite some time—come in, come in—Tsuzuki is out in the garden as usual." Her smile broadened, not catching the slightly bewildered look on Hisoka's face. "He's just doing some weeding and a little bit of planting. You know how he is outdoors."
Hisoka managed a small nod, slightly taken away by the flow of conversation, at how quickly control was taken out of his hands as the woman led him through a rather nice building until she came to a back door, small and almost hidden in the wall. "I'll just leave you and Tsuzuki alone. I'm sure that he'll be just delighted to see you visiting him again---I'll even bring out some tea for the both of you."
With that said, she left him alone, and he pushed open the door carefully. He didn't figure Tsuzuki really for the type that took care of plants—from the way he displayed himself at the office, he didn't seem to be the type of person that would concentrate too much on something. Actually working on a case—that was different. He was a completely different person, but now—
Hisoka mentally shrugged it off. Everyone had different sides they displayed to the world. He wasn't any different, and he took this time to observe Tsuzuki, wondering if he dared to probe the man's emotions. He wouldn't likely to get the chance to examine them again, his shielding was too good otherwise. Tsuzuki was the only person he couldn't read, and it frustrated him that the truth about the man was so elusive. He's my partner, and I've worked with him for the past three years. We're supposed to trust each other, but I don't know anything! I can't trust him now if I can't read him and know what's true and what's false.
Tsuzuki was digging in a somewhat weedy part of the garden, almost completely turned away from Hisoka, but the expression in his eyes was far away, his hands working on what was in front of him, but it seemed that his mind was somewhere else. Hisoka carefully probed the emotions, and still got mostly a surface skimming of what had to be hiding inside. There was a deep sadness, some almost wistful that lay along the top of his thoughts. Something that dealt with the past—he read that easily enough. He caught a more powerful emotion, and it almost hurt at the painful intensity of it. Sister…he's thinking about his sister?
Until then, he didn't think of Tsuzuki ever having a family like he had. Well, not exactly like Hisoka had, but Tsuzuki was simply Tsuzuki and it didn't seem normal to connect the dots as him having been actually alive once. Everyone said he worked as a shinigami for over seventy years. But the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Tsuzuki would have had some type of family growing up when he was alive.
Hisoka didn't expect such a powerful emotion attached to the thought. But it seemed that touching on that emotion conjured another, and Hisoka was suddenly caught in a deeper level on Tsuzuki's emotions, the strength of it nearly sucking him in. There was guilt, and sadness—loathing—more guilt. Black, thick—it swallowed everything in a haze of self-loathing. And what was truly startling was that none of this pain was visible on the outside. There was still that same soft smile, the far away look in his eyes. The only clue there was to anything inside was Tsuzuki's hand tightening on the handle of the spade he held.
Hisoka gasped and nearly swayed, and if that one small sound alerted his presence to Tsuzuki, the man's head snapped around and the emotions cut off abruptly, but not before Hisoka felt another wave of guilt for what Tsuzuki had inadvertently did to him.
"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki jumped up and supported him, eyes darkened with worry at Hisoka's appearance. "I'm so glad that you came to visit—I was sure that you wanted to be left alone for a while or else I would have invited you over a while ago—" He started babbling, all the while leading Hisoka over to a chair so that he could recover easier. He was acting as if nothing was wrong with him. That it was the depth of his emotions was what caused Hisoka to pale in the way he did.
Hisoka waved off his concern irritably. He felt a little shaken, but more annoyed that he hadn't been able to read this before, that something in the man's demeanor should have given him away. But why do I care? He thought, brow furrowed. I don't really know him and I hate getting close to people. His emotions and how he feels should be nothing of my concern. But for some reason it irked him that Tsuzuki felt this way inside and didn't show it outwardly, that whatever bothered him built up. Watari's words about how Tsuzuki would talk to him, Hisoka about his problems….
"I'm fine, Tsuzuki." He almost snapped. "I'm not a child." His entire stance was almost haughty at the same time. "I was just momentarily overwhelmed by something." He saw the fear flash across Tsuzuki's eyes and the brief flare of emotion before everything was tamped down again more tightly than ever. "I came over because I wanted to talk."
The silence was uncomfortable for a moment, then Tsuzuki tilted his head inquisitively. "What did you want to talk about, Hisoka?" The small on his face grew slightly teasing, a new layer of personality overshadowing what seemed to be the real one earlier, and Hisoka took a moment to be amazed at how well he could act. "We have a lot to catch up on."
Hisoka rolled his eyes. "Yes, that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about. Everyone says that you know me the best—so I would like for you to tell me what it was…like." His voice trailed off uncomfortably. He wasn't sure how phrase it, he wasn't good with anything that really dealt with his own emotions or what he wanted. He simply never cared before and it bothered him that he did now.
Tsuzuki blinked, and then seemed to put together some of the pieces for himself. "You want to know what it was like for us to be partners?" He questioned carefully, his voice tentative as if he expected Hisoka to yell at him the next moment. At Hisoka's nod, his expression grew more relaxed, slightly less guarded. Hisoka made a mental note to later ask Tsuzuki what he originally thought Hisoka was going to ask.
Hisoka was about to start questioning him, when the lady came out again, smiling both at Hisoka and Tsuzuki and setting down a tray of tea and pastries on the table next to them. "There—now I know you both like these deserts—" She gave Hisoka a warm smile. "Even Tsuzuki has you liking these." She dusted off her hands and winked at Tsuzuki. "I'll leave you alone with your friend, now."
Hisoka was completely baffled at the look that had been exchanged, and the slight blush on Tsuzuki's face. He stared off at the lady long after she vanished, turning his puzzled look on Tsuzuki. At least he knew the first question he was going to ask.
"Did…did I really come over here a lot?" He asked, brows drawing together. It would mean that he actively sought out another company. Even if they were partners, it didn't necessarily follow that they would meet after working hours.
Tsuzuki's smile broadened at that, and he nodded, already going for one of the pastries. "Sure did, Hisoka. After—after awhile, it almost seemed routine for us to visit each other's houses." There was no hint of sadness, anything of the emotions that had flavored Watari's words when he spoke of something like that. It was just simple enjoyment, contentment—
"And…you enjoyed having me over?" That came out more questioning than he intended. Someone wanted his company…He swallowed and turned questioning eyes up at Tsuzuki. At the older man's confirming nod, he relaxed vaguely. "We were friends?"
Tsuzuki looked so astonished that he wished he could take back his words. Putting down his food, Tsuzuki sighed softly. "Is it so hard to imagine that you would be friends with someone like me?" He asked gently. "I know I'm a lot different from you, Hisoka—but—even if it's a little—we have some things in common." He paused and his words faltered slightly. "And adversity can even bring together the most opposite of personalities."
Hisoka sat up straight, frowning at the tone that crept into Tsuzuki's voice. "Now just wait a minute here! I didn't say that so you could doubt yourself, Tsuzuki. I was never sought out by anybody as a friend—not even in school." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I doubt exactly have a warm personality." He waited for Tsuzuki to contradict him, for him to give platitudes that of course Hisoka was a warm person, that he had plenty of friends, he was such a good person…He winced in anticipation.
"Well, that's true enough." Tsuzuki said slowly. "You didn't have many friends, but that's just because you're like me—you've been hurt too often to really trust anyone to be a friend. You've been isolated most of your life, so how would you know to make friends?"
Hisoka gaped at him in astonishment. From what he could feel of things, it was the absolute truth—Tsuzuki certainly didn't feel like holding anything back in that respect. He was still talking though, explaining more of what he said.
"But slowly, Hisoka—you learned to open a little more. Nothing overdone or against your personality…you just did it in little ways. You're not as tough as you seem on the outside—that's your protection. I know you don't want to get hurt, that you don't trust. But you learned to trust me—" His eyes softened at the thought. "Which meant a great deal to me. If something was bothering, more often than not you'd lock it away—but sometimes—" His voice trailed off.
"You're one to talk about keeping things locked up inside." Hisoka scoffed, face tinting with a blush that Tsuzuki was able to read him so well, know his reasons. It didn't frighten him, but it felt oddly right. "You keep more locked inside than anyone else."
Tsuzuki looked uncomfortable, fiddling with his cup. "Yes…well, I do that so no one gets bothered by my problems. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, Hisoka. I'm…you know what I mean." His smile was wistful. "Although sometimes…sometimes you'd listen to my complaining without much more than a muttered 'idiot' directed my way."
"Watari said that," Hisoka said into the sudden silence that sprang up. "That I'd listen to you—that I was the only one you'd open up to…" He didn't really believe it, but some part of him wanted to hear that it was true. That he…impossible as it seemed…was good for someone else.
"You and my shikigami." Tsuzuki's eyes brightened. "Although with you it was better it a lot of ways. You understood why I did certain things, Hisoka. Although you did get annoyed at me a great deal." He grinned and ruffled Hisoka's hair. "That's why I got so many idiot comments from you."
"What sort of things?" Hisoka pounced on that immediately. "Was it something that happened during one of our cases?" Somehow this seemed right, that it was the correct course to follow to get answers.
Tsuzuki looked startled and he stared down at his cup for several moments. "Well, yes—things that happened on our cases served to bring us closer together. We found out a lot about each other."
It seemed normal enough, Hisoka supposed. You work with someone long enough, and personal and professional lives cross. Maybe even more so here because of the nature of their work, of how they had to work together. The level of trust that was involved—
Hisoka stared down at the tea in his hands, silent again, not knowing what to say to that. He swallowed harshly for a moment, meeting Tsuzuki's eyes for a moment before drawing up the courage. After all, it's not like it's a terribly significant question, or prying into his personal life. "What type of cases did we have?" He asked carefully, still staring down at the contents of his cup as if it provided the answers and not Tsuzuki. "Like our first case…"
Tsuzuki immediately brightened, and there was a noticeable release of tension. "When we first met, you mean?" He shook his head sadly, but his eyes showed his amusement. "You disliked me from the start."
Hisoka found himself blushing, head jerking up to stare at Tsuzuki in astonishment. "I… you said that I didn't like anybody!" He protested. Crossing his arms over his chest, he forced himself to look away from the puppy-dog look Tsuzuki was currently treating him with.
Tsuzuki laughed. "Yeah, you didn't like a lot of people—but you didn't like that you got such an idiot for a partner." Irritation flashed across his face for a moment. "It didn't help that GuShoShin expounded on my many faults…and you had newly come over." He looked over at the garden briefly, gaze far away for a moment. "You were so cold, Hisoka—and so very determined to find out why you died, to find the person that killed you." Now his gaze turned slightly inward, unsure. "We thought you …vanished because that was all taken care of."
For some reason, hearing that reason come from Tsuzuki didn't seem as ludicrous as it had coming from Watari. He wanted to believe Tsuzuki, which was a frightening thought in itself. To trust someone, was not something he was used to. "Then…then I really was killed?" He asked. "I found out who did it?"
Hesitating only for a moment, Tsuzuki nodded. "We…we did, Hisoka." He stared down at his lap for several moments, obviously deciding whether or not he should continue. There was a tension in the air until he spoke again. "He…he actually showed up during our first case."
There was an uncomfortable stillness that hung in the air after those words, and it was silent for so long that he wondered if Tsuzuki was going to go on and explain as to who it was or what had happened. I have the right to know—it concerns me…
"That was when you started to trust me…a little, I think." Tsuzuki said softly, voice nearly inaudible. "You…you were so badly hurt, Hisoka." Even now, with all those years behind the event, the evidence of pain was still in Tsuzuki's voice. "You were surprised when…when I came…" He looked up at Hisoka, meeting his eyes. "After that, you shocked me by deciding to stay with me." A small smile formed on his face. "We surprised each other after that case."
Hisoka blinked. "I was your partner, wasn't I?" He asked, brows drawing in his confusion. "Am your partner, I mean." He hastily amended. "Why would I say that I wasn't going to stay your partner?" He tilted his head to the side. "Do we actually have a choice in the matter?" Something nagged at the back of his mind, something about Tsuzuki never keeping partners….
Tsuzuki gave a short laugh. "You have a choice, Hisoka. My partners never chose to stay with me for more than a couple of months. I suppose that…I drove them away with the way I acted." He ran a hand through his hair. "That's when I decided to keep my emotions to myself—it was better that way, I thought." He stood up, pacing slightly as he looked at the garden. "I was too much of a slacker, didn't work hard enough—felt too much…" He shrugged it off. "But you—even with all your insults and exasperation with me—you never left."
Hisoka was silent for a few moments after that statement, searching for some type of rationalization for his actions. "You must have done something to prove to me your worth, Tsuzuki." He said finally. "I don't…I don't give trust easily, but you must have won it somehow." He didn't smile, but his expression relaxed a trifle.
"Well, like I said—we've been through a lot together." Tsuzuki gave him a cheerful wink. "Maybe you were used to me and didn't want to bother with trying to deal with someone new."
Hisoka snorted. "If I thought you were a complete moron, I would have dumped you and found someone else, no matter how long it would have taken to get used to someone else." There was too much into Tsuzuki's teasing comment, a hurt that lay below the surface that he could barely feel, but it was there. "Plus, we were friends, weren't we?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "From what I know, friends don't leave each other."
Tsuzuki turned to look at him fully, smile broadening into something more real. "That we were, Hisoka. I hope that you'll become my friend again." He tilted his head to the side. "Now—I'm sure that you want to know more, hmm?"
Hisoka nodded, eyes catching Tsuzuki's. So far the older man didn't seem to really be holding back with his information. If he just asked the right questions, avoiding those that held such a high emotional residue that it would pain Tsuzuki to talk about them—Those can come later…
"Then why don't we go inside?" He ruffled Hisoka's hair, grinning more widely when Hisoka jerked away and scowled at him. "I assure you it's perfectly safe." His eyes were still teasing, and Hisoka found himself blushing at that look.
He nodded stiffly, standing up and holding his cup loosely in one hand. "As long as…as you explain to me, Tsuzuki. I want to know…" His expression turned almost pleading. "About me… about our partnership…" His voice trailed off, and then had a sudden idea. "And about how we're alike!" He said triumphantly. "We have to have something in common."
Smiling, Tsuzuki nodded and gestured for Hisoka to follow him into the complex, grabbing the tray as he went in. With a quick word to the landlady, Tsuzuki pointed Hisoka up to the second floor, where his small apartment was. At first glance, the apartment seemed smaller than Hisoka's house was—and it was—but there were so many plants around that it didn't occur to him that the place could be smaller. It was obviously well cared for, if a little messy.
On the walls hung several old pictures, blank and white—fading. There was a wall scroll and hanging plants that reminded Hisoka vaguely of the one at his house. It suddenly hit him that Tsuzuki was probably the one that donated the plant and took care of it while Hisoka was…gone. There was a bookshelf in the corner, where there were several old looking books and some scattered files. There was a photo of the office group that Hisoka met sitting on top of the bookshelf. He was slightly startled to see himself in the picture, scowling slightly.
Tsuzuki caught his gaze and grinned. "You hated getting that picture taken." He picked it up. "This was soon after you came to us—we usually have a group picture every decade or so, usually around the time we get a new shinigami in our division." He pointed towards a photo album that Hisoka didn't notice before, sitting by itself on the bottom of the bookshelf. "The rest of my pictures are in there."
Hisoka was vaguely interested in looking through there, but since Tsuzuki didn't offer, he didn't ask. It may very well be private photos, from a time before Hisoka even existed, memories that were none of his business to pry in.
Tsuzuki placed the photo back down and sat down rather heavily on the couch, and Hisoka winced at the groan that issued from the faded piece of furniture. "So you wanted to know how we're alike, Hisoka?" He grinned and raised an eyebrow at Hisoka. "I knew you couldn't resist asking about me eventually."
The blush was creeping over his face again, and Hisoka scowled to hide his embarrassment. "Idiot! I was just curious, nothing else. We can't be as opposite as you claim. There has to be some common ground or else I never would have stuck with you."
Tsuzuki blinked and laughed. "Well, yes—but our common ground is hardly pleasant." He shook his head. "For one—although it's hardly an important factor—we both died in the hospital over a prolonged period of time." His gaze was heavily shadowed there. "Might have even been the same place." He forced a cheerful note in his voice, although Hisoka felt the strain he was under from saying just that.
He decided it was prudent to change it to another topic. "What…what else?" He asked. "I…I don't want to be reminded of that." He saw the relief wash over Tsuzuki's face, and he knew he made the right decision.
"Well—" Tsuzuki frowned a little. "We were never accepted for who we were." He murmured. "Both…hurt over it." He shrugged that off rather quickly. "And we hide our true feelings behind masks." He clasped his hands together. "You're the only person besides Tatsumi or Konoe—that knows a little of what I'm really like." Hisoka caught the tone of self-loathing, even without the emotion to back it up.
"You're right that they're not very cheerful." Hisoka made a face. "But I gather that neither of us had a really happy childhood." He looked startled after a moment of thought. "But did any shinigami ever have a really happy life? Aren't there reasons for us becoming what we are?" He looked at Tsuzuki, who was suddenly looking a little uncomfortable. "You told me what mine was—why did you become one?"
Tsuzuki met his gaze, but his expression and emotions were unreadable. "To be accepted for something I never was in life. To be human."
