Optimal Balance
Chapter 7/?
By: Lazuli
Ah, the authors notes. First off, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I've been using my roommates computer for typing, and she's rather busy with doing her reports for school and such. So that means I don't have a large amount of time to type it up. I want to thank all that has reviewed so far on this story, it means a lot to me. ^_^ Thanks also goes to chibi_yuriko for her hard work in editing this chapter. Great job and it makes me realize my grammar is rather…ah…lacking. But kudos to her because I think it flows a great deal better thanks to her input. As usual, Yami No Matsuei does not belong to me, nor will it ever. ^_^ Enjoy!
Hisoka stared at him for a few moments, not quite believing what he'd said; sure that he must have misunderstood something. But there was something there, something that flickered at the edges of his empathy, barely visible enough for him to detect, but there—it was important, relating back to that intense feeling of self-loathing that he had noticed earlier.
He tried to play it off as if it wasn't a big deal, even if part of him knew how important it was, even if he didn't remember why it was so important. "But Tsuzuki…" he said slowly, brows drawing in. "You are human." His voice was plain, matter-of-fact, but Tsuzuki stared at him, incredulous. "I can feel that, Tsuzuki, and …and from what I've seen of you…you seem human. Why do you think you're not?"
Tsuzuki gave a soft laugh, shaking his head. "Without even meaning to, you reassure me with words you've used before." Tilting his head to the side, he observed Hisoka's bewildered expression and explained. "About a year ago, things were…different." His words were carefully guarded. "Someone pointed out various, indisputable facts about me, and it brought back some very unpleasant memories. I…I was hurting, but you—"Then his expression turned calm, peaceful. "You were there, reassuring me that I wasn't what I feared I was."
"You thought you weren't human?" Hisoka's voice rose without meaning to. "Tsuzuki—I don't know what happened to you when you were alive, but …that's different now. What happened to you when you were alive is over, isn't it?" His expression was fierce, as if some part of him that held the memories spoke. "It's over for me—with what my family did, with how…how I died. And your past is behind you now, too." The look on his face faltered slightly, as he didn't remember what happened.
Tsuzuki blinked and came back to himself, eyes clearing from that expression and a brighter expression appeared on his face. Hisoka didn't buy it for a moment, but he was too busy getting over his embarrassment of being so touchy. He was actually reaching out to someone when he had never done anything of the sort before. "You're right, Hisoka." Tsuzuki practically chirped. "It's all in the past."
There was no real empathetic weight behind the words, but Hisoka already learned that this was Tsuzuki's way. He hid his real emotions, anything that might potentially hurt or annoy anyone else. He wasn't the type of person to share his burdens with anyone. He was more likely to shoulder his, and then everyone else's on top of it.
Hisoka let it go, not wanting to push things. He never liked when people pried into what he wanted kept secret. He hated feeling other people's emotions—he should be grateful that Tsuzuki went through such an effort to hide his from him. But how can I change the subject?
Tsuzuki took the choice away from him, practically jumping to his feet. "Hisoka, are you hungry?" He asked, eyes brightening. "I am…a little." He said wistfully, almost as if he shouldn't say that he wanted anything. His entire posture was a display of uncertainty that Hisoka was sure couldn't have been there before. He cursed his inability to remember, so that this man wouldn't be hurting more inside than what was already deeply rooted in him. And this was Tsuzuki and food. He had already seen that much—how Tsuzuki was a glutton for all sorts of food—but mainly sweets.
"Tsuzuki—" Hisoka sighed, wanting to erase the kicked puppy expression and keep it away. "I'm not going to yell at you because you're hungry, so stop cringing!" He realized a moment later he raised his voice and winced. Just after I said I wasn't going to yell at him. "You were working in the garden, weren't you? You're probably hungry and need something to eat." He crossed his arms over his chest. "So go eat something, I'm certainly not going to stop you."
Tsuzuki looked at him in amazement. "You're…you're not?" he asked incredulously. "You're not going to say it's a waste of time and I should be working on reports instead of stuffing my face?" He started to grin a little and he reached out to ruffle Hisoka's hair. "I like that. Keep that up even when you do remember."
Hisoka gaped at him. He actually berated the man for…of course. He probably ate at every inopportune moment, when he should have been working. "Tsuzuki…are you supposed to be working now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I don't recall Tatsumi-san giving either of us a break."
Tsuzuki looked away, a sheepish expression on his face. "Well, there were some reports from some general work around the office…" He said slowly. "But it's not that important and it wasn't going to take me very long!" He finished explaining in a rush. "Working in the garden was so relaxing and it was such a beautiful day, Hisoka…." His voice trailed off wistfully. "Its winter in Chijou, though—isn't that strange?" He murmured half to himself. "Even after all this time—"
Hisoka blinked. "It's…winter?" He mentally counted the time he was up here, and tallied it with the time he had been 'in school' when Tsuzuki had come to get him. "But…" He said in surprise.
Tsuzuki laughed. "The world is almost opposite in Chijou, Hisoka. If it's summer here, it's winter there. If it's raining here—which it barely does, by the way—it will be sunny there." He paused when Hisoka gave him an incredulous look, one eyebrow rising at the rationality of that statement. "But these things don't always follow the rules." He gave a soft smile. "We don't have that many visible seasons here, but people have different perceptions of heaven."
Hisoka was startled at that, but shrugged. "Everyone's notion of the afterlife is different," he said blankly. "I can't ever remember really having any thoughts on the matter, except that…" His brow furrowed as an unexpected emotion rose to the surface, some slip of a memory. Want…want to die, need to die, hurts…He gasped, caught off guard, and it took him a few moments to recover, Tsuzuki's concern hovering at the edges of his senses. "Well, I certainly never expected that there were jobs handed out to people after they died." He finished briskly. "Did you ever expect to do this when you died?"
Tsuzuki laughed and shook his head, hair falling into his eyes again. "No…not at all." He looked speculative for a moment. "It was a lot different back then, too." He said thoughtfully. "We adapt as time going by—developing into what modern detectives do, with a few exceptions." He grinned slightly. "Our equipment seems terribly old at times, but nothing too behind." He pointed to his mobile phone lying nearby. "We all have those—" His eyes lit up. "You should have seen our faces when those things first appeared."
Hisoka felt a spark of real interest here—something that Tsuzuki didn't mind talking about and he seized on it. This was a chance to get to know his partner better—to get him talking and displaying real emotions. And it will be interesting to see what this place was like oh... fifty or more years ago, he told himself. "Tell me about what it was like?" He asked tentatively. "What things were like when you first came here—and how you all reacted to new things?" Items that are so commonplace now—but had to be startling to someone that grew up in the time that Tsuzuki did.
Looking puzzled for a moment, Tsuzuki seemed to think that over. "It would be just like anything you saw…" His voice trailed off as his eyes lit with some inner understanding. "It's weird to think of it sometimes, but think of the old temples in Kyoto, or the things you learned in history class. That's just the way life was. We lived in our ways, but western culture had taken a rapid hold in the busier sections of Japan, and Meifu reflected that change. When I came up here—I was stunned." He looked a little sheepish. "I was just some dirt poor village child all my life—"
He rubbed the back of his head and tried to explain further. "Well—you know that the Meiji era really started the trading with the Western countries, right?" He asked tentatively. "Before that—we didn't have what is common place now. Chocolate—coffee—various types of clothing." He looked considerate for a moment. "Well—that was a little more common by the time I was born. I personally didn't have any of it until after. It was for people that had more money than we did in our village."
Hisoka nodded, trying to hide his impatience. He did study history, he knew about how new Western items and ideas starting to slowly take root in Japanese culture, that the trading port was at Yokohama, someplace that would have been almost impossibly far away for someone of low means—as Tsuzuki said he was.
Encouraged, Tsuzuki continued. "Well, we were used to copying things by hand—" He smiled faintly. "When we saw typewriters—you should have seen our secretary at the time. He was ecstatic, and the rest of us were pretty happy, too. That was less work for us when we had to do reports." He grimaced. "It was still a lot of typing—a great deal of mistakes, because none of us had really used the machines before." He grinned. "When we got a new shinigami who was used to the technology on Chijou, and grew up using it, we used to pummel him or her for information."
Hisoka found himself amused by the image—a bunch of dead people slowly having to adjust to something new like that—it was like seeing senior citizens frowning over how fast cars were going or how different or strange things like computers or digital clocks were. Things that were normal offset them; they had to adjust a lifetime of thinking one way.
Tsuzuki looked off for a moment. "Then more people came that were used to the technology, people that had been around for a long time finally 'retired', rested and went on to the next stage of their afterlife. When Tatsumi appeared, it was clear that he was used to being in charge, having people under his command and listening to him." He paused. "Although he still refuses to tell any of us when he was born—and swore to cook the Gushoushin for dinner if they reveal his age."
Hisoka swallowed a bit at the threat—it didn't sound entirely idle and he reminded himself not to ask the secretary that piece of information anytime soon, no matter how much his curiosity would bug him. "So I take it the office changed a bit after that?" He asked dryly.
Tsuzuki nodded and grinned. "We had been a little…laid back for awhile—we still did our work in an efficient matter, don't get me wrong—" He gestured hastily at Hisoka's skeptical look. "But when Tatsumi appeared, things were done…differently." His eyes were shadowed slightly. "We were partners when he first showed up—he was my third partner and he…" He shrugged slightly. "Well, he had his own problems and I made them a bit worse, so he helped me shape up in his own way, so what I felt wouldn't be a hindrance to the office."
"You were telling me how things were different—the technology and way of life." Hisoka said quickly, to get that dark look out of Tsuzuki's eyes, to distract him from whatever pain caused that shadow to cross his face. "Tell me more about that—about what it was like to meet so many different people."
Tsuzuki smiled at that, eyes lightning (lighting or lightening) up again. "It was amazing at times." He said eagerly. "To see things changing, to see these people that had such a different view on life—" He babbled on, but there was still that undercurrent of sadness there, easy for Hisoka to pick up and decipher. For all the time that Tsuzuki spent as a shinigami, he hated killing people, he hated that other people felt the need to become shinigami, to end others lives. That was part of the reason why he was going to let Hisoka alone; to let him stay in the life he thought was real.
But what would have happened when I never aged? He asked himself. When people moved on around me, but I was still in my sixteen-year-old body. Would I have wondered about it? Or would my mind have made up excuses the same way it did when I arrived in Nagasaki? It was a disturbing line of thought, and he realized now that he was grateful that Tsuzuki came to him, that he cared enough about him that he would consider Hisoka's feelings—but most of all, that he was wanted here. That Tsuzuki and the rest of the office wanted him with them.
He was vaguely aware that Tsuzuki was still talking, and his attention shifted back to him when he heard Watari's name mentioned.
"Watari had been an engineer when he was alive, and came to Meifu in '77. Things came to be a lot livelier after he appeared, turning the entire office upside down." Tsuzuki grinned. "His exuberance for experimenting—something he had never been allowed free rein of when he was alive. The promise that these bodies wouldn't die if a little explosion happened to occur was also positive." Tsuzuki shook his head at Hisoka's wide-eyed look.
"Within a year, we were completely and utterly in awe of him." Tsuzuki grinned. "And knew better then to sample anything that he cooked up in his lab." He grimaced. "Although that place was interesting enough to visit when he realized what he could do with pen and paper."
Hisoka was almost afraid to ask, but did anyway. "What can he do?" He asked suspiciously. Those smoking potions were bad enough—the warnings that he shouldn't eat or drink anything that had been in range of Watari. But the fact that even something so banal as pen and paper could be dangerous in is hands?
"He can bring objects to life…not just the stuff he draws, but he can give sentience to anything he chooses." Tsuzuki said with a grin. "He can access…worlds in a way." He looked a little confused. "I'm not sure what he did when he drew that picture of me to get me out of the Earl's book—" His voice trailed off for a moment, then he shook his head free of the thought. "But he can't draw." He said with a grin. "So you got the ugliest little creations running around everywhere in the office one day, nearly driving Tatsumi and the rest of us into early retirement."
Hisoka almost laughed at the image, but that brought up another interesting question. "Do we all have our strengths, then?" He asked, interested, "Talents that we gain or develop after we arrive here?"
Tsuzuki nodded, eyes still vibrant. "Even ones that don't seem like they have any." He grinned. "Tatsumi is a shadow master—he can manipulate shadows, use them as weapons, or in any manner that he chooses."
Hisoka shuddered at the image that his mind was all too eager to conjure up. "I don't ever want to get on his bad side." He said feverently. "He could attack you in your bed and you wouldn't notice…!" He shook that image away. "What about other people? Like…um, Kannuki-san?" He didn't really think of her having special powers—
But apparently he was wrong, because Tsuzuki was already nodding. "Wakaba-chan is a miko." He looked amused at the somewhat stunned look on Hisoka's face. "She can open the gates between Meifu and Gensoukai, and call on the Guardians of the gate."
Hisoka observed Tsuzuki. "And what about you? I know you can do stuff. You did some type of illusion and the phoenix that you called up. You can do strong magic—I felt it on that last case—" His voice was unsure.
Tsuzuki nodded. "The previous leader of KyuuShuu taught me fuda magic—everything he knew of it, and I didn't forget a thing. It seemed that I had a talent for it and he just trained me in it as best as they could." He smiled and then looked proud. "And I have my shikigami, of course."
"Shiki…?" Hisoka questioned. "Was that the phoenix thing I saw when we fought the demon?" He was curious about that, but never got the chance to get an explanation for it. Tsuzuki was always avoiding him and Tatsumi always found some type of excuse to load him down with some type of work that would 'help him remember' what it was like before.
Tsuzuki nodded eagerly. "That was 'nee-san—Suzaku." He explained. "I have eleven others." He seemed to regard this as something that was rather matter of fact, instead of something that should have been extraordinary.
"You have twelve shikigami?" He choked out, eyeing the man with a new respect for the power that it must take to have twelve of the divine creatures under contract with him. And one of them was Suzaku. He wasn't a complete simpleton when it came to esoteric studies. He knew legends of the creators of the world, and Tsuzuki commanded twelve creatures on that level? "May I ask…?"
Tsuzuki looked confused for a second, then nodded. "I have Sohryruu, Genbu, Byakko and Suzaku—" He smiled fondly, like talking of old friends. "Touda, and…" He stopped at the way Hisoka froze at the mention of Touda.
"Hisoka…is something wrong?" He asked softly. "I didn't even get to finish naming all of my shikigami yet." He teased lightly. He was trying to play it off—it was painfully obvious, but Hisoka couldn't dislodge the uneasiness that crept up around him at the name Touda. Something about it evoked fire and pain and sadness…
Hisoka looked up when Tsuzuki's hand rested on his shoulder, meeting the older man's eyes. There was an understanding there that went beyond his comprehension, something indefinable…
"You don't remember, but some things can't be erased, can they?" Tsuzuki asked softly. "Some part of you remembers Touda, even if you can't bring the memory to the surface of your mind." He looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to Hisoka's. "Touda is one of my shikigami, but one that I hardly ever call on because of how strong he is—he is capable of killing even a shinigami."
Hisoka's eyes widened as more emotions came tumbling to the surface, a flicker of an image dancing behind his eyes. Fire…terrible fire—black flames that surrounded him. "Tsuzuki…" He whispered, staring at him in shock. "You…"
He didn't even get the chance to complete the sentence, but Tsuzuki shrugged. "It doesn't matter, hmm? All in the past." He asked softly, eyes almost pleading with Hisoka to not bring it up yet, to let it go—somewhat of a vague promise that later everything would be explained, but not now.
Hisoka bridled at hearing his words used against him like that. That Tsuzuki would take his words of comfort and turn it around so that he could get away from whatever horrible image hovered at the edges of Hisoka's memory. He realized with a shock that it was a piece of a memory. "Tsuzuki…" He began warningly.
"You're not ready." Tsuzuki's voice stopped him in mid-sentence. There was something about that pleading tone that begged him not to go any further, to just let the matter rest. But he was getting annoyed at 'not being ready'. That he needed to know more before he was allowed to remember what he did recall something of.
"Give me one good reason why, Tsuzuki." He said warningly. "I don't like being pushed away like that. I remember something, and I think it's pretty hypocritical of you to say you want me to remember, yet deny me any confirmation of what's going through my head!" his voice rising, until he was almost yelling.
Tsuzuki cringed, eyes lowering. "I don't want you to hate me, Hisoka." He whispered. "If you remember Touda, you're going to hate me—if you remember all of that without remembering how we grew as partners before that." He played with the fraying edge of a cushion, unable to meet Hisoka's eyes. "What happened with Touda…was painful, Hisoka. I don't…I can't…" He whimpered, and Hisoka felt like a heel for the black emotion that rose to the surface again when he had been trying so hard to suppress it.
"Tsuzuki…" He sighed, hands resting limply on his thighs. "I won't hate you—I just want to know, I'm tired of being lost. I want confirmation for what I do see, for what my emotions are telling me." He forced Tsuzuki's face up to meet his. "I'm trusting you to tell me if it's true or not, if I'm going crazy. If it's something that I remember, and not just something my mind is supplying to placate me."
Tsuzuki's gaze was startled and hurt all at once, and he ran a hand through his hair. "I…I understand." He said softly. "I wasn't thinking, Hisoka. I'm sorry." His eyes were over bright, but he there were no tears—just an intense emotion that hovered in the air, a tension that desperately needed to be released. "What do you see?"
Hisoka took his chance while it was there, not wasting the rare opportunity that Tsuzuki offered him. Still, as horrible as the images were, it was even harder to voice them, to try and describe what he felt, and what called up such strong images. "Fire." He said, shuddering. "Horrible black fire—surrounding me—choking…" He shook his head to clear it. "I…I just remember…well, the emotions were of despair…"
He closed his eyes and tried to pull back those elusive emotions, the memory before it slipped away from him completely. He didn't really remember. It was like waking up from a dream and trying to piece together the details. "Sadness…need." He murmured. That emotion was the strongest of all; it overpowered almost everything else except the fear of loss. He looked over at Tsuzuki, waiting.
Tsuzuki took in a shuddering breath, arms wrapping around his sides in a futile gesture of comforting himself. "I know…it was horrible… I'm sorry, Hisoka…" Tears slipped down Tsuzuki's face, and one arm unwrapped from his middle to reach out to Hisoka. "That…that's not something I wanted you to remember first off…" He managed a tremulous smile. "There were happier times…"
Hisoka shook his head, trying to dislodge the almost painfully sharp emotions now, the images that wanted to overpower his sense of now, giving him something else to watch and view as if it was happening at the moment. "You tried to kill yourself?" That was one of the clear parts in his mind; that at the center of that inferno was Tsuzuki; that he had caused it in some way, but for what reason?
Tsuzuki looked even more ashamed than ever, nodding. "It was the ultimate means to an end, Hisoka. I couldn't… I just… it was too much for me. I…" He shook his head again. "I was just so tired." Even those it had been obvious time or some other contributing factor helped Tsuzuki through that particular destructive phase in his life, he was fast slipping back. He was becoming trapped by his own memories and emotions of the time. Hisoka knew that he couldn't allow that to happen.
He leaned forward and gripped Tsuzuki's hands, trying not to wince at the pain that rolled across his senses. He caused this; he brought up this bad memory, and it was something Tsuzuki had obviously wanted to forget until Hisoka had brought it up. There had to be some part of that night that was positive, or else Tsuzuki wouldn't be here now.
"Tsuzuki!" He whispered urgently. "Hey, that's over now. Aren't I your partner? Didn't you want to be with me, stay with me?" He had no idea where these words were coming from, but since they seemed to be having a positive effect, he went on. "Didn't you promise you would live for me?" A dark blush spread across his face at his words, and he wondered how he ever could have come to mean that much to someone, where he became their lifeline to the world.
Tsuzuki's gaze met his, the blankness, the pain receding until sense flooded back. Hisoka let out a relieved sigh, hands tightening on Tsuzuki's for a moment longer before releasing them. "You…you're right." He said in wonder. "You made me promise… you wanted me to live for you…" He gave a small smile. "I didn't think you'd remember that…"
Hisoka blushed fiercely, looking away. "I don't really remember." He muttered. "But I know you were important to me—you had to be." He said stiffly. "I wasn't just going to let you go." He avoided looking at Tsuzuki. "So don't go trying to think it's okay to do something like that again."
He felt, rather than saw, Tsuzuki's smile. "Aa, Hisoka. I promise that I won't do that again." A hand ruffled his hair. "With you to keep me in line, how can I act any different?"
Hisoka felt his blush getting darker, and he rubbed the back of his neck self- consciously. "Remember that." He said tartly. "Now—how about that dinner that you said you so desperately needed?" Even if he didn't remember yet, he would soon enough—he was sure of it. He just had to take it one step at a time. And the next step after this one was to find out how he became worthy of such trust—and put that same amount of trust in someone else.
Day by day—he would find out what had gone on for the past three years, even if he had to retrace his memories, and Tsuzuki's, backwards to do it. The only thing really left from that intense memory were the emotions, and the intense need to be there for Tsuzuki. To make sure that he didn't lose him, without really knowing why he needed to do it. There was nothing solid to back up the emotion, but it was too strong to be denied. And it did give him an added incentive to find out all that he could, as quickly as possible. His mind wouldn't be at rest until he did.
He wanted to find out how he died, why he died. How he got to be Tsuzuki's partner, actually remember their first case together. To recall the emotions that he must have felt at just becoming a shinigami, to be presented with a partner that everyone proclaimed was a lazy idiot, but almost unbelievably strong and caring. He wanted to remember it all, not just being told what went on.
He let Tsuzuki babble on about dinner and the best places to go, if Hisoka had any money because he was just a little behind on paying some other bills and didn't really have the money to spend at the moment…
Hisoka sighed inwardly, letting Tsuzuki lead him away, mind already working on what he could do to regain his past. It would be a long, hard fight—but he was never one to give up if the odds were even remotely possible. This would be a battle he would win.
