Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Do you hear?  NOTHING!  All hail the great Mercedes Lackey, who owns it all.  *bows humbly at the great author's feet*

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Chapter 7: Memories

            Shandi grinned as Siera turned to Kira, who was eating her lunch quickly and apparently paying no attention to the conversation going on around her.

            "So, Kira, what's your home like?" her tall, redheaded friend queried, trying to sound casual.  Kira glanced up at her, not quite meeting Siera's lively green eyes, before dropping her gaze back to her plate – a typical reaction, they had all learned in the past week.

            "Hot, like here," Kira replied.  Shandi almost laughed at the frustration evident on Siera's pretty face.

            One of the other Trainees at their table groaned.  "It is far too hot here," she complained.  "At home, if it ever got this hot, we'd spend all our time in the water, not in weapons' practice!"

            "I thought I was going to die out there yesterday," another girl agreed.  "And today's going to be even worse."

            As the discussion – or complaints – continued, Kira finished her vegetables, of which she ate an inordinate amount, and drifted away from the table so quietly that Shandi wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't been sitting right next to her.  Shandi waited until the girl had left the crowded dining hall before grinning mockingly across the table at Siera.

            "If we were all quiet, I'm sure she'd feel pressured into saying something more," her volatile friend growled, glaring down the table indiscriminately.

            "But who's going to cooperate and let you win all that money?" Shandi teased.  Siera had been the one to start the bet that she would be the first to get Kira to say ten consecutive words, but it had spread to most of the Collegium in the past week.  Now, Shandi knew, the wagers had quite a bit of money hanging on them, even though as Kira's best friend, she was banned from taking part.

            Best friend indeed, she thought with a touch of exasperation.  That means I get seven words out of her instead of three; not very impressive at all.  It bothered her; she'd been able to make friends with just about everyone she'd met, until now.

            Siera was practically grinding her teeth in frustration.  "Why doesn't she talk?  She doesn't know about the bet, does she?"

            "I don't think so," Shandi replied, although she had no idea how she'd be able to tell if Kira did know.

            "She never talks in class unless the teachers force her to, she eats twice as fast as the rest of us, and any other time she just disappears!  She never hangs out with anyone! Where does she go all the time?"

            "I'm going to find out," Kaleb announced from his seat beside Siera.  He grabbed a last piece of bread and stood.  "Maybe she'll talk to me and I'll win the bet."

            He only grinned under Siera's glare.  Shandi simply smiled at him.  "Good luck – you'll need it.  If you can find her, she'll probably be just as quiet as always."

            "It's worth a try," he shrugged.  "Anyway, it's better than sitting here and listening to you girls babble."  His eyes twinkled at Siera's offended reaction.  He turned away.  "See you at Weapons."

*          *          *

            Where did she go?  Kaleb's flippant attitude had given way to frustration resembling Siera's.  He'd taken tracking classes as a Blue; they'd been one of his favorite electives.  He shouldn't have been able to loose her so easily!

            He closed his eyes momentarily to retrace what had happened.  I thought she was coming out to Companion's Field, so I took a short cut.  I saw her just coming into these trees – here, I'm sure of it.  Then I stopped to say Hi to Alphia, and when I looked up, she was gone.  No problem.  I should be able to track her from where I saw her last.  So why can't I?

            As he opened his eyes and looked about once more for any marks of her passage, he hated to admit the obvious answer.  She's better at hiding her tracks than I am at finding them.  Tannor's going to tease me to death.

            He straightened and tried to decide what to do next.  If he went back and told everyone what had happened, he'd be teased immensely.  But he couldn't just lie and say that he and Kira had talked … or could he?

            If I say she said something she never said, she'll have to speak up and contradict me.  Maybe that would be a way to win the bet!

            Or maybe not.  He really didn't understand Kira; the girl was a total enigma to him.  Why was she so quiet all of the time?  He'd been told, often enough, that it would require a gag to shut him up for half a mark.  He couldn't figure why anyone wouldn't talk.  That was another reason he wanted to speak with her; it would be nice to understand something about why she acted the way she did.

            But it looked like it wasn't likely to happen today.  With a sigh, he turned back toward the Collegium.

*          *          *

            Kira watched carefully from her vantage point above Kaleb.  She was not in the tree she'd initially climbed, of course, but she'd uncharacteristically stayed close enough that she could see what he was doing.  She wasn't too worried about being seen; she'd learned, early enough, that boys rarely looked up.  And the pine's thick branches were enough to shield her from a casual glance.

            As he wandered around, she wondered once again what she was doing up there.  Why hadn't she just taken the tree road far away and relaxed?

            The answer was in the big white patch she could just see through the screening trees.  When she'd complained to Layven the other day about everyone always talking to her – setting her up to bear the brunt of a joke or insult, the way her Clan had – they'd come close to having an argument.  Once again, he'd insisted that no one here would act that way.  She found that impossible to believe.  She had her whole life as evidence against it.

            And yet, it was Layven, who she trusted more than any being on the planet, who told her this.  So today, when she realized that someone was following her, she'd hung around to see what he'd do, rather than taking off.  If she proved to Layven that not every Trainee could be as perfect as he said, maybe he'd stop nagging her.

            :And if I prove to you that they don't really want to hurt you?:

            She didn't want to try to answer that question.

            :He doesn't, you know.  Climb down and see.:

            Kira exerted stern control on her thoughts to keep from shouting, Are you insane?  Other than being alone, Kaleb was acting exactly like any boy she had ever known who was looking for amusement, and she had no desire to be that amusement, whatever Layven said.

            :I swear, I won't let him touch you.:  Layven's Mindvoice was fierce.  :I would pound him into paste before I would let him lay a finger on you.  There are reasons I'm shaped like a horse, love; you don't want to be on the receiving end of a Companion's anger.:

            That was actually rather convincing; as overtones to that statement, Kira received impressions of exactly what Companions had done to people who had hurt their Chosen in the past.  It wasn't pretty.

            :Please?: Layven wheedled.  :Just try it.  I'll be right behind you.:

            The unconditional love she sensed from him was enough to make her want to do anything he asked.  :All right,: she acquiesced, still a little fearful.  Careful not to make a sound, she swung herself down the pine and dropped lightly to the ground behind Kaleb.

            As she landed, he sighed and turned around.

*          *          *

            Kaleb's mind stopped functioning momentarily when he saw Kira staring him in the face.  What the…  How in…  Where on earth did she come from?

            He stared at her blankly for a long moment.  She simply stood there silently.  At last he recollected his thoughts and blurted, "Um, hi, Kira."

            "Hi."  Her voice was flat.  She reached out to lay an arm across the withers of the Companion who paced up to stand beside her.

            Kaleb tried frantically to remember Kira's Companion's name.  "Hello, err, Layven?"  A regal nod informed him that he had guessed correctly.  He reached out for his own Companion.  "This is Alphia."

            "Hello, Alphia," Kira greeted.  The two Companions shared a long look, and Kaleb wondered what they were discussing.  He wished that he could Mindspeak Alphia, but their bond wasn't tight enough yet.  All he could sense was vague feelings when they were very close together.

            Another awkward silence descended.  Kaleb, feeling tongue-tied, an unusual sensation for him, wondered why on earth he had wanted to talk to her alone.  It was impossible to carry on a conversation when only one person interacted.

            Well, maybe not.  He'd been told often enough that he could talk someone's ear off.  Maybe he should just start talking and see what happened.

            "How are you liking the Collegium?  I'm really enjoying it, but then, I basically grew up here.  And my parents are right here, so I can see them often.  It must be harder for you.  I bet you miss your mom."

            Kira didn't want him to go on about that.  "She's dead," she informed him flatly, willing him to simply change the subject.

            He looked horrified.  "Oh, I'm sorry!  What a stupid thing to say.  I'm so sorry."

            The sympathy in his eyes was coming too close to opening up the secret memories she had of her mother, the few things she remembered from the three years they'd been together.  She didn't want to remember, not now; she couldn't or she'd be distracted from watching him.  "She was kallis," she told him, closing the subject.

            Unfortunately, he didn't seem to realize that.  "Kallis?  What's that?"

            Kira cursed herself.  She'd forgotten that he was kallis as well and wouldn't understand the Clan's way of ignoring those who were not of themselves.  How was she supposed to explain this?  It wasn't worth it.

            :The Valdemaran phrase is "Never mind,": Layven told her.  :It means that whatever you were saying wasn't important and isn't worth talking about anymore.:

            "Never mind," she repeated obediently.  She could tell that Kaleb was still curious, but the bell's toll interrupted him before he could continue asking her or change the subject.

            "Oh, no!  Weapons!" Kaleb cried.  "We'd better hurry or we'll be late!"

            :I'll give you a lift,: Layven offered.  Instantly, Kira swung herself up onto his back.  Kaleb and Alphia mimicked them.  As soon as the Trainees were settled, the Companions broke into a gallop.

            Kira clung on tightly, fearing and loving the sensation at the same time.  It was over far too quickly; it took next to no time for the Companions to bring them up to the Salle.  Kira and Kaleb scrambled down to meet their class, just in time.  To Kira's relief, there was no opportunity for further conversation.

*          *          *

            :I'll never understand Valdemarans,: Kira informed Layven as she got out of her bath after Weapons.  The girls around her were all soaking in tubs of steaming hot water and didn't look like they planned to move for the next century.  The thought of being immersed in anything at that temperature made Kira shudder.  She kept to her tradition of quick baths in cool water.  It was enough to get the dirt and sweat off, and it left her more time to work – and to be with Layven.

            :Maybe it's something you have to grow up with,: Layven offered.  :It makes sense to me, but then, I'm Valdemaran.:

            Kira shook her head as she pulled on her uniform.  :I've simply given up.  I'm not going to bother trying to figure them out anymore,: she insisted as she rebraided her hair.

            :Like Kaleb?: Layven inquired, with a hint of smugness to his tone.

            Kira sighed mentally.  :All right, he didn't attack me… but that doesn't prove anything!  It could've just been because I surprised him, or because he didn't have anyone to back him up.:

            She sensed Layven shaking his head as she headed for her room.  :Whatever.:

            Grateful that he'd stopped trying to convince her that everyone here simply wanted to be her best friend, she went to her desk to gather up her books.

            Let's see, I have to read 10 pages out of this, write a…

            Her thoughts were interrupted by the deep tones of a bell.  She dropped the books, clutching her head in her hands at the physical force of the sound.  Death…  Death… the bell tolled, the deep noise making the whole building vibrate.

            Herald Wrynne, she sensed faintly from Layven.  He seemed far away from her; she realized that he had drawn closer to the other Companions in their mutual grief.

            The bell's peals echoed through her mind.  A kaleidoscope of memories played in her head: Herald Wrynne, teaching her, patiently, explaining things when she would have expected anyone to give up in frustration, praising her when she least expected it.  Somehow the memories mixed with those of her mother, and she wept, as she had not since she was a child.

            It's my fault.  The thought, crystallized out of the swirl of memory, seemed to come out of nowhere.  Why?  She struggled to understand what made her so certain.  Abruptly, she realized that she did not want to understand, that it would be painful, but it was too late.  She pushed through to the memory that had lain buried for the past few weeks.

            This pain was far, far worse than that inspired by her memories and the bell; it drove her to her knees.  Rkuchnentu?  How could it be?  And yet she knew it was true.  She was a hungry ghost-devil, and she had killed Herald Wrynne.  Her evil had consumed the Herald's life force, devouring her spirit until she could no longer survive.  She huddled on the ground in torment.  How could she have done this?

            :Kira?:  Layven's voice was faint, but she could hear his worry.  Instinctively, she shoved him away, made stronger by her grief.  In that instant, she realized what she had to do.

            I won't kill him too.  It was hard – she loved him more than she had ever thought possible – but she had to keep him away from her.  The alternative was too terrible to contemplate.

            Not knowing what to do, she followed her instincts.  In her mind, she built a wall between them, stone by stone, focusing only on the individual rocks.  It hurt like nothing she had ever imagined.  Ever since she'd met him, she'd realized how much she needed him.  She relied only on him; he was everything to her.  And now she was cutting herself off from the strength that kept her going.  The temptation to give up, to allow him to touch her mind and comfort her, was overwhelming, but she resisted.  With all the power of her love for him, she cut the ties that bound them.

            She didn't know how long she laid long the floor, caught in the anguishing mental battle.  At long last, her awareness returned to her body.  She felt hollow, empty, but at least she was numbed to the pain.  It made it harder to think, but it also made it possible for her to go on.  As she struggled to her feet, she realized dimly that there was one more thing she had to do, if she could only remember what it was …

            Leave.  That was it.  She had to go away.  If she remained at the Collegium, she would kill all of them.  She might be rkuchnentu, but she had no desire to kill all of these people.  She couldn't stay and let them die.

            She forced herself to her feet, almost staggering as she exited the room.  She concentrated only on putting one foot in front of the other.  She had no destination; she was only trying to get away.  Hazily, she thought that if she got somewhere with no people, she could live without hurting anyone else.  For now, she just had to leave, to save them all.

*          *          *

            Shandi had just gotten out of the tub when the Death Bell rang.  The older Trainees explained to her what it meant as they joined the Heralds in Companion's Field.

            She stood alone, feeling numb.  The idea that one of her teachers had died was not penetrating her brain very well.  She was caught up in the heavy blanket of grief covering the crowd, unable to think clearly.

            At last she decided to move away from the center of the Field, where the sorrow was getting oppressive.  Without thinking about it, she walked toward the front of the Collegium, near the outer gate.  In the distance she saw a figure moving slowly across the lawn.  Something was wrong; she had no idea how she knew, but the certainty penetrated her soul.  She broke into a run toward the other person.

            "Kira!" she cried in surprise when she recognized the figure.  Kira didn't respond; she didn't even seem to have heard the call.

            Shandi moved up beside her, the sense of something horribly not-right growing.  She grabbed her friend's arm.  "Kira!  What's the matter?"

            She fell back a page as Kira turned to face her.  Her friend's grey-blue eyes were lifeless, completely blank.  "Let me go," she said in an expressionless voice.

            Without knowing why, Shandi tightened her grip.  "No.  Stop a minute and tell me what's wrong.  Let me help."

            For a moment, something flickered in Kira's eyes.  Was it hope?  Shandi couldn't tell; it was immediately replaced by fear.  "Leave me alone!"

            Kira wrenched free of her hold, but Shandi had expected that.  Hooking her foot around her friend's ankle, she tripped her, sending her flat on her face.  "I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's wrong!"

            They struggled for several minutes.  Shandi was sure now that something was terribly awry; beyond everything else, she could never have managed to hold her friend back if she had been fighting with her usual skill.  At last, however, something within Kira snapped.  "I can't!" she screamed, sending Shandi stumbling back with the force of her self-loathing.  With a single blow, she knocked the older girl unconscious.

            For a moment, Kira stood still, swaying, looking down at her friend.  "I'm sorry…" she whispered.  But the urge to leave still held her.  She turned and half-ran, half-staggered away.

*          *          *

            It took Talia far too long to recognize the inordinate amount of grief she sensed.  She had surrounded herself with those of Wrynne's closest friends who were at the Collegium, helping them through the grief, fear, and self-recrimination the death of a loved one caused.  It hadn't taken too long, but she was already tired when she realized that she was sensing more sorrow, pain that was not being eased.  It took her a moment to realize that it was not simply coming from the Heralds surrounding her, but someone farther away.  As she cast about with her Gift to find the sufferer, she was startled by the wave of suicidal despair that hit her.  Who could be feeling that way, and why hadn't she sensed it before?  Shaking her head to clear it as she strengthened her shields slightly, she moved to the outskirts of the crowd, following the sensation of pain to its source.

            As she moved back toward the Collegium, the feeling began to dwindle into the distance.  Cursing under her breath, she moved into a run.  Intent upon what her Empathic Gift was telling her, she almost stumbled over the Trainee lying on the ground.

            Stopping, she bent over the girl – Shandi, she remembered the name vaguely.  She stirred, a hand rising to the bruise just beginning to form on her jaw.  She rubbed her eyes and opened them, then sat upright in surprise at seeing the Queen's Own crouched beside her.

            "What happened?" Talia asked urgently.

            Shandi shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut, in an attempt to clear it.  Suddenly her eyes flew open again.  "Kira!  Where did she go?"

            "Kira?"  Talia groaned.  She'd been told when the girl arrived that she was going to need to be there for her, but the Council had been going crazy the past week and there just hadn't been a good time…  I should have made time, she told herself, but it was too late now.  She'd thought that there would be plenty of time when Layven's block started to dissolve.  Apparently, she'd thought wrong.  Now it looked like it might be too late.

            "What happened?" she asked the Trainee again.

            "I saw Kira walking this way, and I ran to catch up with her.  She was… weird.  She looked," Shandi gulped, "like a zombie.  She didn't even notice me when I called to her.  I could tell something was wrong.  I tried to make her stop, to make her tell me what was going on, but she wouldn't.  Then," she fingered the bruise again, "I guess she knocked me down so she could get away."

            Talia closed her eyes momentarily.  Now what?  Well, they had to find Kira, first of all.  Worry about the rest later.  She reached out for Rolan, but he scarcely paid any attention to her.  Frowning, she settled herself into a light trance and reached out again.  The shock of what she saw through his eyes drove her back to awareness at once.  A berserk Companion?  Was that possible?  The Companion – she assumed it was Kira's Companion, Layven – was frantic, running around wildly.  The other Companions were surrounding him, trying to force him to calm down and tell them what was going on.

            "What's wrong?"  Shandi's voice broke Talia's concentration.

            "We have to find her."  Talia's voice was firm, betraying no hint of her inner confusion.  She rose to her feet.

            Shandi scrambled up beside her.  "Can I help?  She's my friend," she added defensively when Talia looked at her questioningly.  "I have to do something."

            Talia nodded.  "Come on, then."

            Suddenly, the Queen's Own froze.  Shandi looked up at her, worried.  "Now what?"

            Talia looked around anxiously.  "I – how can this be?  It's gone!"

            "What?" Shandi demanded impatiently.

            "I could sense her."  Talia glanced at the girl.  "My Gift is Empathy.  I could sense her, because she was so upset.  But now it's gone!  As if she suddenly learned how to shield…"  She turned to run back to the Field, Shandi close on her heels.

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A/N:  Wow, two chapters in three days!  This is an attempt to make up for not posting for so long.  I'm really sorry about that, but this next part should go faster.  I enjoy torturing Kira more than writing about her everyday life.  Next chapter introduces the Bad Guy of the story.

Reviewer Responses:

Dephanie:  Thanks for all of the compliments!  Don't worry, I'm not as bad as Kira at disbelieving compliments.  I believe some of them, at least.  And I appreciate all of them, even the ones I don't believe.  I hope this one is longer, too.  I tried.  And I hope we can talk soon and you can tell me what they're supposed to look like.

faeborn2930:  Yes, Kira and Layven are Kalira and Lavan from Brightly Burning, and I made the names similar so that readers would realize that.  It will play a big role later in the story.

badgerwolf:  Glad you liked Cap'n Kero!  I have trouble writing her, so I'm glad you thought it was in character.  I plan to make this story happier than their last lives, too.  I always cry in Brightly Burning, and I don't want to make this story that way.  Hopefully, everything will work out for them.

PrettyKittyOreo:  Here you go!

wizard116:  You didn't have to wait too long this time!  Thank Dephanie, my personal nagger.

katkitten:  Thanks!  I'm trying to make it original, but I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding.  Hopefully it'll get better as we meet the real dangers and evil characters of this story.  Next chapter!