Disclaimer:  Layven and Kira just happen to have taken up residence in my head.  I don't own anything; Mercedes Lackey does.

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Chapter 8: Mental Torment

            :Layven, STOP!:  The power in that mental voice pierced the Companion's frantic mind and jarred all thought and movement to a bone-wrenching halt.

            Rolan paced forward to stare into his eyes.  :We cannot help you when you act this way, Layven,: he said slowly, each word heavy with mental force to keep Layven from returning to his berserk state.  :Tell us what happened.:

            The response came in a mental scream, the anguish it conveyed strong enough that some of the Companions stumbled back from it.  :She's trying to break our bond!:

            Rolan lowered his head.  He'd hoped that there might be some other reason for Layven's behavior, but he'd been afraid all along that this was the cause.  A Companion repudiating her Herald and breaking their bond had happened only once in the history of Valdemar; the Chosen rejecting the Companion was just as rare.  The bond was too powerful and life-altering for anyone to give it up without serious reason.  And Rolan had seen what he didn't think anyone else had yet noticed: the bond between Layven and Kira was not just a normal Herald-Companion bond – they were lifebonded.

            She will kill him.  The thought was not without anger; the Grove-born could scarcely bear to see this happen to one of his Companions, and the girl was an easy target.  But he knew that it must be as hard on her as it was on Layven, and that knowledge forced anger to take second place to confusion.  Why had she done this?  Why, when she had to be in as much pain as her Companion, wasn't she back here, trying to fix it?  :Why?:

            :I don't know!:  The mental wail caused even Rolan to shudder from the force of Layven's emotions.  :She heard the Bell and then she just… left!:

            Rolan hated himself for what he had to say next, but he said it anyway.  :Layven…  The Chosen must be willing, or it is no Choice.:

            Predictably, Layven exploded.  :NO!:  He coupled the mental shout with a physical one that pinned the surrounding Companions' ears back.  He stared at the Grove-born with aggression written in every line of his body.  :I am not giving her up!:

            As Monarch's Own Companion, Rolan was capable of surviving the breaking of his bond to his Herald, but for Layven, especially since he was lifebonded to Kira, that was not possible.  He would die of heartbreak before too long.  As the only one in the Field who had been through the loss of his Chosen, Rolan had some idea of the pain Layven was experiencing, but in his mind, the other Companion would only make it harder on himself if he held on to hope after his Chosen had definitively decided to leave.  He knew that he wouldn't be heeded, but he tried to warn Layven nonetheless.  :By denying it, you are only allowing yourself to be hurt worse.:

            At least it broke Layven from his maniacal depression.  Now he was furious, advancing on the Grove-born with teeth bared.  :She is my Chosen, and she is hurting, and I am not going to leave her!:

            Rolan sighed.  :It is your choice.:

            :Yes,: Layven hissed.  :She is my Choice, and I will not take it back.  I do not regret it!:

            Rolan drew himself up to his full height, his stature as Grove-born causing him to tower over the other inhabitants of the Field.  :That is your right.  But it is my right and responsibility to see that you do not harm yourself or others by this choice.:

            For a moment, it seemed as if Layven would actually attack the Grove-born, an unheard-of confrontation.  But then he relaxed and bowed his head.  :You need not fear that,: he said.  An edge of resentment still colored his voice, but he turned and walked carefully toward the river, the Companions parting to let him through.

            The circle slowly broke up, Companions wandering away in groups, discussing the events in low Mindvoices.  Rolan stood still and watched Layven stop on the edge of the Field, staring morosely off into space.  He wished he could comfort the young Companion; after all, he was the only other one on the Field who had a hint of what he was going through.  But the things he had said would separate them for some time.  The Grove-born sighed, knowing that there had been no other way to stop Layven's berserk reaction before he hurt someone, but hating the necessity all the same.

            Duty cares not for our loving or hating.  Duty simply exists to be done.  The echo of a voice from a past life carried both comfort and reprimand.  With one last sigh, Rolan turned away from regarding the other Companion and reached out for his Chosen's mind.  There was yet duty to be done.

*          *          *

            Some small part of Layven's mind knew that Rolan was right and he would have hurt someone if he'd continued acting the way he had been, but he was resolutely ignoring that part.  :Who does he think he is?  I know what I'm doing.  He doesn't have to come barging in and tell me what to do.  You'd think I was a foolish colt.  What does he know, anyway?:

            Not caring that he was muttering to himself in Mindspeech, he continued ranting at the Grove-born.  :"Why?": he mimicked.  :He acts like this is something out of the Chronicles to be studied!  "Let's just ask questions and think about this reasonably, and surely we'll all come to the conclusion that I should just forget about her."  Maybe he could do that; he has to go through several Chosen, so he probably doesn't really care about them that much.:  He knew that he was being unreasonable, but he didn't particularly care.  :He has no idea what I'm going through, the idiot!:

            :Ahem.:  The mental throat-clearing startled Layven and he whipped his head around to see who had snuck up on him.  For an instant, he thought it might be Rolan, and he was torn between fear that the Grove-born had overheard him, and hope that he had.  It's all true.  Serves him right.

            However, it was not Rolan behind him, but a mare.  It took a moment of squinting into the sun for him to recognize Lerienne, an older Companion who had not yet Chosen.  They weren't close friends, but they knew each other fairly well.

            :Sounds like you could use some company,: she commented, stepping up beside him.  :Someone to listen to you, at least, so that you're not talking to yourself.:

            :Sounds like I need a Chosen,: he replied bitterly.  He half-expected her to be angry; Companion protocol was very strict on not talking about how wonderful having a Chosen was to those who had never felt their Call, and Leri had shown in the past that her temper was not the longest in the Field.

            But she neither replied nor walked away; on the contrary, she moved closer.  They stood in silence for a moment.

            :What do you want?: he asked at last.  Bitterness tinged his Sending; he was still angry with the world.

            She Sent the equivalent of a shrug.  :I don't want you to be alone.:

            She continued before he could decide how to respond to that statement.  :I remember a little of my last time around.  My Companion died in childbirth, and I was still alive.  I remember… it was worst when I was alone.:

            Layven pondered this revelation for a moment, wondering why she'd survived her Companion's death.  But he couldn't ask.  Companions didn't often talk about their past lives, and to pry would be leagues beyond rude.  And she might not even know, either; to be honest, most Companions didn't remember that much about their other times around.  It was easier that way, less potential to get distracted from the task at hand.  But sometimes it could give you insight, to remember something.  And she was right in this case; he had to admit, much as he disliked it, that he did feel better to have someone there.  But it just wasn't the same!

            :No, it's not the same,: Leri agreed, and Layven winced as he realized that he'd been broadcasting his thoughts.  :But as I said, at least you don't have to talk to yourself this way.  Shall we return to disparaging the Grove-born?:

            There was a definite overtone of a chuckle in her last sentence, despite the sympathy he felt from her, and Layven had to admit that what he'd been doing was a little absurd.  But he was angry, and he had to be angry with someone!

            :It's not really Rolan you're angry with, is it?: she inquired in an eerie echo of his own thoughts.

            He didn't want to consider that.  Turning his head away, he swished his tail irritably, ostentatiously ignoring her.

            She didn't buy it.  :I remember, Layven.  I was angry with everyone: with the other Heralds, for having their Companions, with the gods, for taking her away… but the worst was that I even hated her, for leaving me.:

            The wall he'd built up against any negative thoughts about his Chosen burst; words came welling out.  :How could she do this to me?  I've done everything for her, been there for her through everything; how could she just throw me aside like I was worthless?  She's everything to me, Leri; wasn't I the same to her?  Or was this all one-sided?  Did she ever really care?  When I was so happy to be with her, was she always indifferent?:  And then, the most hateful question of all, :Was it something I did?  Was I not there for her when she needed me?  What did I do wrong?  It wasn't supposed to turn out this way!  What happened?:

            Lerienne pressed herself close to him, offering physical support as well as mental as he poured out his anguish.

            :I love her so much, Leri!  I thought she felt the same, but if she feels the way I do, how could she have done this?  She couldn't have cared about me.  I was deluding myself the whole time.:  Crystalline tears welled up in his deep blue eyes.  :I must have been a bad Companion; otherwise she wouldn't have left.  She would have told me what was wrong and let me help her if I'd really been supportive.  I must have been too short with her, too determined to force her to fit the Valdemaran mold, too lighthearted and joking when she needed me!  But I thought that was what she wanted!  I was trying, Leri, truly I was!  How could she do this to me?  It's killing me, and she doesn't even care!:

            He was shaking so hard that in some corner of his mind he was surprised he was still on his feet.  Leri just stood close to him, an emotional bulwark.  She didn't try to argue him out of his self-doubt or his doubt of Kira; she merely listened, and extended a slight feeling of comfort and willingness to hear him out, all she had to give.

            It was exactly what he needed.  In her sympathetic ear he poured out all of his heartbreak, his hatred of his Chosen, the gods, himself, and the situation that they'd been forced into.  Even when he no longer had words to express his feelings and was silent, she didn't say anything, and she didn't leave him.  Marks later, when, emotionally spent, he nodded off into an uneasy sleep, she was still there, and she stayed with him through the night.

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            Kira awoke to blackness and a strange emptiness.  It took a moment for her to trace the feeling that something was missing, but then memory hit.  Layven

            She couldn't find words to describe the feeling of having her Companion gone; she only knew that it hurt, just as much as it had when she'd first made the decision to leave.

            I had to, she told herself firmly.  He would have died if I hadn't!  But the knowledge didn't stop the anguish welling up inside her.

            Taking a deep breath, she forced her mind away from him.  For all she knew, as rkuchnentu, simply thinking about him could sap his life-force, and she had no intention of doing that.  In an attempt to distract herself, she looked around.  Only a few faint lines of light made their way into the room; from their placement, she guessed that they came from a window and a door.  Where am I?  Not that it really mattered, but she had to think about something.  The last thing she remembered was wandering, lost, through the streets of the city.  How had she ended up here?

            :So, you are awake at last,: a voice said in her head.  Kira sat bolt upright.  She knew from the first word that this could not be Layven; not only was the feeling of the mind colder, but compared to her communication with the Companion, this mental voice had almost no mental overtones.  It was simply there, a flat statement that could have been made aloud.

            But who else would be speaking to her mentally?  And why?

            :I am here to help you,: the voice told her.  :I brought you here so that your evil could not harm anyone else.:

            She had to bite back a sob upon hearing another person put into words the guilt she was living with.  Concentrate on something else, she told herself once again.  "Are you a Priest?" she asked aloud, wondering how he expected to keep her evil contained.

            :I am a Mage,: the voice replied, rather evasively in her opinion.  As soon as she formed that idea in her mind, a white-hot lance of pain arched through her body.

            :Children do not judge their elders,: the Mage chastised her sternly.  :You were taught better than that.:

            As quickly as the pain had come, it subsided.  Kira straightened, gasping for breath.  The Mage was right, she thought; she had known better than to question an adult.  Had being in Valdemar for so short a time changed her so drastically?  Or was it Valdemar?  Even with the Clan, my thoughts were – she cut off that line of reasoning before more pain could hit her.  Of course her thoughts had to be controlled.  Thoughts led to words and actions, and wrong words and actions had to be punished.  He makes it easier; he cuts off evil thoughts before they become words.

            Did it matter anymore?  She was cursed, a demon, rkuchnentu; what did it matter whether she bothered to be good or not?  Despair swept over her again.  She was lost anyway.  All that remained for her was an eternity of wandering, consuming everything she touched.

            :Perhaps not,: the Mage told her.  :There might be a chance…:

            She looked up in sudden, painful hope, but prevented herself from saying anything.  It was not her place to demand; he would tell her what he meant when the time came.

            To her dismay, she felt his presence withdraw from her mind.  This was not the time, then.  The despair returned.  There might be a way out of this, but she had already killed an innocent woman.  How could she escape?  Her only chance was staying here, where she couldn't hurt anyone else.  Killing again was the last thing she wanted to do.

            Try as she might to concentrate on other things, in the back of her mind Kira couldn't stop wondering what Layven was doing.  Was he looking for her?  Or had he already Chosen someone else?  It was painful to think of him with another person, but it was the only way.  I love him too much to kill him.  So it has to be this way.  Still, the pain did not subside.

            Go to sleep, she ordered herself.  After all, if she was asleep she couldn't risk Layven by thinking about him.  Or could she?  Almost as soon as she closed her eyes, dreams swept up to haunt her.  Some were realistic, fragmented memories of the past; others were far more tantalizing.

            "A Companion will only Choose someone who is pure in heart," Herald Tamara explained.  "You were Chosen because you are needed."

            :You're … my other half,: Layven told her.  :The missing piece of me I've been waiting for.  I love you.:

            "Heralds will always help each other," Herald Wrynne told the class.  "Each of you is part of our Circle.  And between the entire Circle, we can handle just about any problem you come up with!"

            :Your Clan could be wrong, you know.:

            :Companions have powers, special abilities,: Layven tried to convince her.  :I can help you.  If this Mage can keep you from hurting anyone, so can I.  Trust me.  Let me help.:

            Kira awoke, trembling from the desire to return.  I didn't tell Layven goodbye.  I could just explain what happened, so that he knows to Choose someone else.  She knew the idea was absurd, but her reasonable objections that she'd only hurt him worse were overruled by the passionate longing to see him one more time that suffused her.

            Before she realized what she was doing, she pried the shutters off the window and slipped out.  She was in a forest somewhere.  She climbed the nearest tree.  Sure enough, off in the distance she could see lights.  If that wasn't Haven, at least she could get directions there.  She started toward it.

            She didn't get very far before she felt a chill run over her.  She recognized the renewed presence in her mind; the Mage had returned.  Abruptly the stupidity of her actions came clear, parting the fog of emotion that had prevented her from thinking.  He had brought her there to save others from her evil, and she had thrown away the only safe haven she had.  She dropped to her knees, balancing on the branch, and braced herself for the punitive pain.

            It didn't come immediately.  Only the voice spoke in her head.  :Trying to return?:  The words were cold and haughty.  :What makes you think that they would take you back, after what you've done?:

            She hadn't thought about that, either.  Instantly, however, memories of Layven's many declarations of love and support sprang to mind.  He wouldn't refuse to speak to her one last time – would he?

            The Mage replied before she could organize her thoughts into a response, or even decide if she should respond at all.  :It is easy enough to say something like that.   I could show you the opposite.:

            A figure appeared before her.  Kira squinted at it; it was familiar, but it took her a moment to register what she was seeing.  "Mommy?"  Her voice emerged as a shocked whisper.  Could it truly be her mother's ghost?  She reached out for the woman.

            Her mother stepped back, her mouth twisting with abhorrence.  "Rkuchnentu?  What have you done, unclean one?  Demon, you are no daughter of mine!  Rkuchnentu!"  Other figures stepped out of the shadows to join her, all shouting the same word.  "RkuchnentuRkuchnentu!"  Shandi was there, Herald Kerowyn and Herald Tamara, even Healer Deena joined the chorus.  But when Layven stepped out and looked at her with utter disgust, Kira could bear it no longer.  With a cry, she buried her face in her arms, withering under the attack.

            Suddenly the noise stopped.  She peeked out to see that the group had vanished.  :Or perhaps you were right,: the Mage continued coolly, ignoring her sobs.  :Perhaps they would take you back.  What would happen then?:

            New images swam before her vision.  She shut her eyes tightly, but she could still see them.  Perhaps they were all in her mind, but they seemed so real!  A pox swept the Collegium.  Trainees and Heralds she knew broke out in spots, then weakened until they were confined to their beds.  In the space of a few moments, she saw almost everyone she knew there fall sick.  A stench rose from the building, for there was no one left well enough to tend to the ill or bury the dead.

            The scene changed.  Shandi and a group of her friends were riding along on their Companions, laughing and chattering as usual.  Suddenly, arrows arched out of the surrounding woodlands.  She watched, helpless, as bandits attacked, weapons slicing into the Trainees and Companions.  She could not hide as she saw Shandi's blood covering the forest floor, her bright eyes dimming in death.

            A new vision replaced that one. The Collegium was burning, a roaring inferno taller than the Palace engulfing it.  As she watched, Layven rushed into the building, trying to save her.  He dodged falling timbers, but sparks settled in his mane and coat.  As he slowed to slew around a corner, a wall collapsed over him.  Unbelievable, he pushed his way through the wreckage, but she could see the horrendous burns covering his body.  He looked imploringly at her, but she could not go to him as he died.

            This was far, far worse than the physical pain she had expected.  She pleaded voicelessly with the Mage to stop.  At last, the images disappeared, but the memories still tormented her, eating at her heart.

            :You knew this would happen,: he told her softly, but with no pity.  :You are rkuchnentu.  You knew what would happen if you went back, and yet you tried to do it anyway.  You wanted this to happen; if you hadn't, you would have stayed with me, where you wouldn't hurt anyone.  You wanted it.:

            Kira collapsed under the words.  They had to be true.  She had known she was rkuchnentu, had known what her evil would do, and yet she had still tried to go back to Haven.  She didn't care if people died, as long as she could be happy for a time.  Somewhere deep inside, she had even wanted their deaths.  The Clan was right to declare her rkuchnentu; she was completely evil.

            The Mage tried to say something, but she ignored him.  She didn't care if he punished her.  At the moment, she would welcome pain.  She deserved it.

            I wish I could die.  But she couldn't; she was rkuchnentu, doomed to wander the earth forever.  There was no escape for her, not even in death.  She was trapped in this world.  She writhed at the light that touched her.  She was unclean, and she was contaminating even the forest around her.  All she wanted right now was a place to hide.

            :Come with me.:  His voice was almost compassionate.  :I will give you a place to hide.:

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A/N:  I meant to get this chapter up over the weekend, but I went to the library.  Of course, all my writing time therefore turned into reading time.  But I did finish this chapter for you all, despite the temptation.  It was emotionally draining to write, too.  I hope you enjoyed it – and if you have any suggestions on how I can make it more expressive or just better, please tell me!

Reviewer Responses:

Queen's Own:  Thanks for pointing out that I hadn't mentioned the lifebond!  How foolish of me!  Well, now it's here.

Dephanie:  I almost had Layven go off and pound the Clan into gloop, or at least daydream about it, but he insisted on being angsty.  Oh, well, maybe later.  And yes, there's probably a bit of personal experience here *wry little smile*.  Bet you recognized it in this chapter, too.  I hope to start posting a chapter a week – please keep nagging!

oceanmate:  Did this help?  Probably not; I expect you want another chapter immediately.  It takes at least five chapters to start getting through all these problems, so don't expect resolution too soon!

badgerwolf:  I'm glad I wrote that well enough that you identified with Kira.  Is this one convincing and believable?

PrettyKittyOreo:  It's OK; I'm greedy too.  And I tried to get this one up quickly.  As I've said many times before, I try to write, but I forget unless I'm nagged, so thanks for the request!

wizard116:  Thanks!  Here you go!  I hope the upward trend continued.

Neko-Li:  Wow, thank you for the compliment!  And please do hound me if I stop posting.  You have my permission.