Chapter 2

I will be here, I will be strong, Face my fears, When the night is long, And still go on, I will be brave, I will be bold, Follow my faith, To a higher road, And I'm not there yet, But I will be

Lila McCann

I got shipped off to an orphanage the day after Dad's funeral by a lady who Mom sewed for often. I knew that she was aware of the real reason of Mom's death. Living in the apartment beside us, she would have heard all the fights, the pleas. Still, she seemed more upset over the loss of my father than my mother.

She attempted to act sympathetic when she talked to me, the orphan boy: "Oh, I'msosorryyoulostyourparents. IwouldtakecareofyoubutIdon'tlikechildren.Bye!" She greeted me, sympathized with me and ridded herself of me, all in one breath. What a nice old woman.

I tried to tell her about my Grandma in hopes of a loving family, but she wouldn't listen. Turns out she held a grudge against my Mom. As her child, anything I said was a lie. Dad never beat Mom. And Grandma didn't live in Timber. She had died before I was born, silly boy.

I wanted to hit her, but refused to give in to my violent upbringing. I would be different from my dad. He would have no influence on my person.

The lady waved at me as I climbed into a dark car. Reminded me of the car I rode in at both of my parents funerals. It fit, I thought. After all, they were being kind enough to burry my memories, sending me off to an obscure orphanage. Not letting me say good-bye to any of the friends I had made, or the places I visited. I wasn't allowed to say good-bye to my mother.

I tried to talk to the driver, but he sat, like a statue staring straight ahead. I asked his name, but he still refused to engage in conversation. So I named him.

"Your name is Bob." I stated, confidently.

That got a laugh out of him. "Bob, huh. Sounds good. What's your name?"

"Seifer."

He nodded his head, pulling back into his shell. Like a turtle.

"How are you going to get me to Centra?" I asked, not knowing anything about the continent.

Apparently, he enjoyed this subject. "I'm driving you to a town called Winhill. From there, you will take a boat to a town just south of the orphanage."

I sat back not wanting to talk anymore. I was being sent to the middle of nowhere. Out of sight, out of mind. I'd show them.

I hated to admit it, but the orphanage sounded like a nice place. It was a lighthouse by the sea. A stone cell located on a continent in Centra. The closest town was a day's walk. There would be less people to bother me. I didn't count on there being other children.

'Bob' left me at the sea side town, Moblitz. I was escorted by lady who was bringing supplies to the matron there. Reluctantly, I went with her.

At the orphanage, a pretty woman greeted me. She was of medium height and had long black hair. She reminded me so much of my mom I hated her. "Hi Seifer. You can call me Matron, Mom, Edea, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Let's go meet some of the other kids."

I held my breath, not entirely sure if I should be excited. I wanted to hate the whole orphanage experience, but if there were other kids to play with. . .

The six kids lined up in front of me, all anxious to return to playing in the Garden. Matron introduced them quickly. "Sefie, Irvy, Quisty, Zell, Ellie, and Squall."

I hated them all.

The lady from Moblitz and Matron went inside the building to arrange for the supplies. I continued to glare at all of the kids. They all stared at me, equally unfriendly.

Timidly, a brown haired girl stepped forward and grabbed my hand. "Hi. Your name is like mine. You can be Seifie too! Want to play? I have a castle in the flower garden."

She smiled brightly and began to tug me in the direction of the house.

Stupid boy. Why don't you go play with your dolls?

I gritted my teeth and shoved her away from me. She tumbled sideways and landed facedown on the ground.

Carefully, she pushed her self up and brought a trembling hand to her nose. She looked at the blood, then up at me. She didn't cry. She just looked at me with her big green eyes. I saw no hate, no fear. Just confusion.

Chaos ensued. Slowly I stepped back, glancing at the other kids. Matron came running out and was immediately ambushed by all the other kids who were scared, fearful, crying.

"He hit her. The new kid hit Sefie."

Matron picked Sefie up and carried her inside followed by one of the boys. A man came out a led me to an isolated room at the back of the orphanage.

"We can't have you picking fights. You must be punished."

No! Don't kill mommy! Wait don't. . .

"You will stay here for the rest of the night. Matron will bring you dinner later."

Shocked at the absence of a beating, I sat down and cried.

I was determined not to ever show such weakness again. I hit a girl. One who tried to be nice to me. Then I cried about it afterward. I would never do it again. I wanted to apologize; but that was another tell-tale sign of a wimp.

I spent most of my time in the bluffs that overhung the ocean or in the isolation room. I swear those kids were out to get me from the start. When I first got there, I know that I caused some trouble. I was determined to be a man and not a little boy like my father always saw me. I needed to prove my worth. And the only way to do that would be power. I'd show these punks who was the boss.

I had to start with Selphie. Cute, shy little Selphie. The only one who tried to be my friend, and the first girl I actually liked being around. Her presence was soothing and her bedtime stories were legend as far as Moblitz.

Selphie always had a fascination with flowers and butterflies and crap like that. To tell ya the truth, her stories and imaginary worlds fascinated me. Girl stuff. I couldn't stand the nagging voice in the back of my head, taunting me. So when she built her fairy gardens, I would crush them. When she built sand castles on the beach to house the water imps, I would smash them too. I tore the heads off her dolls and called her names, all the while hating the sunshine angel.

I did all I could to make her hate me, but I never got a rise out of her. Never once did she yell at me. Never once did she tell on me. She would look at me with her huge eyes as if asking why. Then she would leave, off to play in her land of fairy tales. Never did she seem to hate me. I loved her for that.

Then there was Irvine. What a dork. He would always be there to try to protect darling Selphie from me. I was bigger and stronger than him but that didn't matter. He would still stand in my way, trying to buy his love another possible second in her dream land. I guess I admired him for that, but my hate went further than a dispute over Selphie.

His last name happened to be Kinnease. I figured the guy who killed my father must be his dad or uncle, or brother. Some type of relative. I wanted to shake his hand, but whenever Kinease got close to me, I started to shake and wanted to hit him. It confused me at first, but I wanted Dad back. The man who killed my mom. The man who taught me how to hate. The man who beat me if my dreams didn't turn out right. The man who taught me how to be a man. I wanted him back.

So what did I do? I punched him in the damn face every time I saw him. I hit him for my dad. And with every broken nose, every black eye, every bloodied lip, I was showing Dad up. I could say, "See, asshole, look what you turned me into." I know that doesn't justify any of the things I did, but still, it was right to me.

Zell. Cry baby Zell. From the first time I saw him, he and I forged a treaty of hate. I wanted to kick his ass and he wanted to get me into as much trouble as was mortally possible. He was so scrawny and nice. Just like a good momma's boy should be.

Honestly, I was always afraid of him getting adopted before me. That would make me somehow less of a man then him. I always thought of him as a brother, but he never did like me. Running around like a wuss. This is where that nickname came from. Chicken wuss. That's how we all pick on people we care about. Picking the thing that is the exact opposite of what they are and turning it into there being. Like calling someone fat who isn't. Like calling a pretty girl ugly. It's all the same.

Quistis. Hyne, she was beautiful even then. If Selphie was an angel, Quisty was a goddess. I wanted to bask in her glory, but she was always stuck on Leonhart. Either that or playing cards. She was the master. All she had was a tiny beat up deck of mismatched cards her dad gave her, but she could play. I never played her, but always watched, unseen. I never picked on her either. Perhaps because I saw resentment in her eyes every time she looked at me. I didn't need to make her hate me. She already did.

Squall and Ellone. Couldn't mention one without the other. I was told they where related, but no one knew how or why they were here. It was just one of those things. When Ellone went away, Squall was a broken little boy, like a baby who lost his bottle or cat who lost its tail. I saw my chance and moved in for a kill. I would push him and call him names. I loved Squall and wanted to be like him. Strong brave and great. Who had someone to look up to, someone to love. But I wasn't, couldn't, and never would be, so I beat the crap out of him.

He would take it for a while and then start hitting me back. I was ecstatic at the retaliation. Quistis would always break us up before things got to deep. She would help Squall up and glare at me with her beautiful blue eyes and I was able to I earned more hate from them both.

Every week or so, Matron would gather all six of us up and along with Cid, we would hike out to Moblitz to get food and other things we needed. Matron always gave us a few gil to get some candy. Quistis and I were elected 'leaders' because we were the oldest. We would march down the street to the candy shop and plunk our money down. Then pick out whatever we wanted. Many times I suspected we didn't have enough gil for what we picked out, but the shop keeper accepted our money that we handed him so seriously and sent us on our way.

I remember one time, when we came out of the shop with Quistis leading the way; an older boy was standing at the window.

He strutted up to and pushed Quistis.

"Whatcha got in the bag, girl?"

I stepped in front of her. "That is none of your business."

He had to have been at least ten and I was only six, but I still felt like I had to stand up to him. He punched me in the face and I retaliated as fast as I could and he found himself on his back with various bruises decorating his face. And wouldn't you know it; he started crying and drew a crowd.

Matron hurried over and tried to calm the boy, but he kept yelling, "He was picking on me! He said he would kill me! I'm so scared!"

I shook my head and tried to defend myself, but Cid grabbed my hand and started walking out of town. Soon Matron and the other kids caught up with us.

Matron sighed. "I apologized for Seifer, but I'm not sure it did any good. I was asked not to bring him in town any more."

Quistis stood up for me. "He wasn't picking on that boy, Matron."

Selphie jumped up and down. "Yeah! It was the other way 'round"

Matron sighed. "Yes, I know, but it's their town. We can't bother people. I'll just go by myself from now on."

Zell pouted. "Now we can't have no more candy. Thanks a lot, Seifer."

Matron stopped and faced Zell. "No, no, no Zell. Seifer was right to stand up for Quistis."

"But all it got him was kicked outa town and a black eye."

"Zell, if you don't stand up for yourself or other people, they will take advantage of you."

"But Matron, Quistis might not ever see him again."

Cid looked at Zell. "Listen, boy, she might not see him again, but if it's not that boy, it will just be someone else."

Matron smiled. "I'll still buy you kids candy."

Zell brightened considerably.

On days she went to market, Matron let me watch movies on her old television screen. I always picked movies about magic and knights. Noticing my fascination, she gave me a book about knights one day. I would lie on the bluffs and dream about becoming one. I never wanted anything more than to be strong enough to protect those I loved. If I became a knight, I could be strong enough to love. To protect my angel and my goddess. To protect my family.

But childhood dreams die and people move on. Sometimes people look back in regret and say I wish I had done that. I look back in regret and say I wish he didn't do that. I was proud to say that I never regret anything I did. It was never my fault. I see things differently now.

Moblitz was leveled by a strong storm one day. The orphanage was forced to close because of lack of funds and supplies. We all had to leave. Quistis and Zell got adopted. Selphie went to Tribia. Irvine went to Deling. Squall and I went to a garden in Balamb that, ironically, was financed by Cid, Matron's husband.

A whole bunch of new people to make hate me.

a/n - not my favorite chapter, but it gets better, promise!