A/N : So, I guess you guys weren't expecting that little plot twist, huh? I have to admit this fic has kinda run away from me. In the original idea there was no sex and definitely no injured Spikey but what can I say my imagination just goes crazy sometimes! Thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter; SweetBitter, uandme4eternity, Rachel, Spikesgirl2626, aphelant, Leanne8582, SouthernRain, Courtney37 . And yes, I know Joyce and Giles were very understanding about their kids getting it on, but I figure they love them so much they would try to understand, plus they got together in dodgy circumstances too. Anyway, here's the new chapter...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 21 - Holding On To Love

We're in the car on the way to the hospital. Spike isn't dead, just injured. The police officer couldn't tell us how badly, just that he was unconscious after the crash and that he'd been rushed to Sunnydale General along with several other victims. I hate that word - victim. He was a victim before he even boarded that bus, he suffered inside because of me. I can't believe the way I acted, I was so selfish and if this bus crash had been worse, I might never have got the chance to make things right. I only hope it's not too late...

Joyce drove her family towards the hospital, her husband beside her, too shocked and upset to say a word nevermind drive a car. In the back Willow cried and Buffy stared straight ahead, eyes unseeing and her mind in over-drive after the many events of the past twenty-four hours.

"We're here" Joyce announced as she pulled up in the parking lot and unbuckled her seatbelt. Giles was out of the car in seconds, not waiting for his family as he rushed into the hospital. Willow climbed out of the back seat, still sniffling as Joyce helped the stunned Buffy out of the other side.

A nurse was just showing Giles the way to his son's room when the three females entered the building and they all followed down the corridors to the place where Spike lay.

"Oh my God" Buffy gasped, fresh tears falling from her eyes as she saw him through the perspex window, almost motionless save for his chest rising and falling with every breath. If not for that, he might have appeared dead.

"What happened exactly?" Joyce asked the nurse as her husband and daughters stared helplessly at the injured young man, "The police didn't tell us much"

"Witnesses say the driver of the bus lost control" the woman bearing name tag saying she was Nurse Claire Stanmore told Mrs Giles, "it was actually through no fault of his own, he had a heart-attack you see. Anyway, many passengers were bumped around inside the bus as it swerved and crashed, young William here was thrown out of his seat and struck his head"

"He'll be okay, won't he?" Willow asked with a shaky voice. Nurse Claire smiled slightly as she replied.

"We hope so sweetheart" she said kindly, "the doctors rushed him straight in for a brain scan and as far as we can tell there's no major damage, of course it's impossible to be absolutely sure until he wakes up"

"When will that be?" Giles asked in monotone, eyes fixed on his son always.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that" Claire sympathised with the poor families of so many of the patients she cared for. She would love to tell them all that she could fix their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, but the reality was she couldn't. Sometimes there was bad news to be imparted. It was her that had to tell a young man and woman that their father, the driver of the bus, was not only dead, but that his death triggered other fatalities and injuries too.

Now she stood watching four people as their very hearts broke at the idea of losing a treasured member of their family. She had no idea that Buffy felt ten times worse than most people ever could, because she was blaming herself for this.

"You can sit with him if you want to, though it's one at a time I'm afraid" Claire told them and Giles nodded silently as he made for the door to the room, letting himself in and moving to sit with his only son, a boy he should have treated so much better than he had...

Buffy, Willow, and Joyce watched through the screen as Giles openly cried into Spike's arm. The young man's injuries were not half so bad as one might expect. A bandage was tied around his head with much cotton padding above his left eye, presumably at the point where he'd been struck during the crash. Cuts and bruises were the only other injuries he had, no broken limbs or anything. But he was so deathly pale and still, it was absolutely petrifying to watch him breathe, wondering if this intake of air might be the last, since there was no other sign of life at all.

* * * * *

An hour passed, Giles finally left his son's side at Joyce's request. She knew how much the girls wanted to be closer to Spike. Knowing there was nothing he could do and thinking for a moment about his daughters instead of himself and his boy, Giles allowed his wife to manoeuvre him out of the room.

"One of you girls should go in now" Joyce told Willow and Buffy a they sat on chairs outside the room, "I'm going to take your father to get a cup of coffee" she explained as she led the emotionally drained man away.

"You go" Buffy said softly to her sister.

"It should be you" the red-head replied, not only for Buffy's sake but also for her own. She was so afraid of what could happen, she thought perhaps if she just sat here perfectly still, willing Spike to wake up he might. If she got up and went closer to him, she might break the spell.

"You're his sister, Will" the blonde sniffed, putting a hand on Willows and looking over at her until she looked up, "You should see him first. Besides I need another minute before I...I can't yet" she finished uneasily, retracting her hand and watching her fingers as they laced together in her lap.

Silently Willow nodded and went into the room to sit by her brother. She didn't want to argue with Buffy, she just couldn't, not right now. She cared so much for her 'sister' and she'd come to love Spike in such a short time. It confused her that they didn't feel the same sibling type affection for each other, but she couldn't deny that it was real. She would not judge them, only love them, and hope that they could get past all their problems and be happy. Of course, before any of that happened, Spike had to wake up.

"Hey Spike" Willow whispered to her unconscious brother, picking up his large hand in both her small ones, "I don't know if you can hear me...I don't even know what to say if you can, except I love you and, and I'm sorry..." here she stopped as tears ran down her cheeks and emotion stole her voice for a few moments, "If I'd have run after you instead of staying with Buffy..." she began again, "you might not have been on that bus and...well, I just want you to be okay" she told him, trying to be strong as she knew she would want him to.

They'd got to know each other so well these past few days. Less than two weeks, and maybe it was because they were blood brother and sister but Willow felt she knew Spike inside-out and was sure he'd say the same of her.

"I want you to know" she said after a few moments of silence, "that what you and Buffy feel and what you did, it's okay y'know" she assured the man that could not answer her, that might not even have heard her at all, "she feels so bad, she doesn't want to hurt anyone, I know you don't either...please Spike just wake up" she ended in tears, her strength all fading as she willed him to move or speak or just open his eyes. Of course, he remained still and oblivious.

Outside, Buffy stood by the window again looking in at her sister and a man that should have been her brother. But he wasn't her brother and he never could be. She loved him, was in love with him and all she wanted to do was tell him, show him. She wanted to apologise for behaving the way she had this morning. The moment for that apology was now, as Willow rose from the seat by the bed and came back to the door where Buffy waited.

"I don't know if he can hear us" the red-head sniffed, holding the door open for her sister to go through, "but I know you have stuff to say, so go on" she urged. Buffy hugged the girl that would always be her sister, no matter what happened, silently thanking her both for understanding and for giving her this opportunity to explain to Spike all that she felt, even if it was kind of pointless, he probably wouldn't hear a word.

Sitting down beside him, Buffy forced back further tears that wanted to fall. She knew if she started crying again she'd never stop and she needed to say these things to him, even if he wouldn't know when he woke up that she'd spoken at all.

"Spike, it's me, Buffy" she said softly, holding onto his hand much like Willow had done, "Mom and Dad and Willow, they all know about us, about what happened last night. I'm so sorry that I reacted badly but I was scared...not scared of you, but of what I felt for you. Mostly it was because I never expected to love you this way. I mean, I loved you before you even arrived here, I thought I'd always love you just like I love Willow, as my brother like she was my sister, even if it would never be by blood. When I saw you, everything changed. It's not just physical, it's everything, you drew me in and I didn't know how to stop it. I fought it for a while there but I knew in my heart I would break eventually. Last night you made me feel things I never knew were possible, and waking up in your arms was the best thing in the world...I'm so sorry that I spoilt it all, but I want you to know that I've learnt my lesson, and things are going to be different. We can be together for real, if you still want to..." by now the tears were running freely down her cheeks again as she waited for him to answer her, something she knew was not going to happen. At a loss to know what else to say or do, her head fell into her arms on the edge of the bed as she cried all over the man she loved.

* * * *

There was a key in the lock and the door swung open to reveal him standing there. She stood before him, tear stains on her face, but a smile on her lips.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered and he winced as he saw more salt-water roll from her eyes.

"Come here" he whispered back, opening his arms to her, which she willingly ran into. Holding each other close, it was the only place they wanted to be.

"I love you" she told him sincerely, "and I really am so sorry"

He pulled away enough to see her face, but she looked down. Lifting her chin with his fingers, he smiled as he moved to wipe away her tears.

"I love you too" he told her, "and you've apologised enough now. I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to be happy"

"I am" she nodded, "Now you're here, I am definitely happy"

He lowered his head to kiss her then, and just as their lips met...

"Buffy!" a voice shattered the illusion of her dream as a hand gently rocked her shoulder. Blinking hard to clear her vision, the young blonde saw her mother standing over her, vaguely heard her say something about falling asleep and how Giles and Willow wanted their turn to see Spike again.

Looking over at his still form, Buffy realised sadly that it had all been a dream...

For a few seconds I really thought it hadn't happened. The bus crash and everything, there in my subconscious it had never occurred. Spike had come straight back to me and forgiven me and everything had been perfect. But it wasn't real, and in reality I still feel this terrible guilt that will not lift until he wakes and tells me it's all okay, which I'm praying to God he will very soon. And now I'm standing here, watching through the screen as the man I call my father cries over his son that he feels so guilty about. There's been too much guilt and pain in our family, in one way or another. It stops here. Not if Spike wakes up, but when he does, I'm going to make my apologies all over again and hope that he'll forgive me. I'm holding onto that dream of mine, because we were so happy there, and we will be again soon, all of us, we just have to be...

To Be Continued...

[Edited to add : There is a poll at my fic archive 'Sparkling Eternity' so you guys can help me choose which Spuffy fic I should write next out of the five ideas I have! URL is on my profile page]